So, you had one too many drinks at happy hour and slipped and fell into a guy friend’s bed like the two of you were the stars of a low-budget rom-com. Whoops. It was like any other night, until somehow your usual bar conversation transitioned from whose turn it was to buy the next round into the two of you hanging out naked. Sure, you’ve always thought he was cute, and he’s the best karaoke partner you have, but you don’t see a future with each other in that way. And while things are usually so casual and easy between the two of you, the side hug as you left his room the next morning with your thong shoved in your purse wasn’t exactly a high point.
The aftermath of this kind of emotional, cocktail-induced tornado can be hard to navigate. How do you save a friendship that means a lot to both of you after the whole, “uh-oh, what did we do last night” moment? It won’t be easy at times, but if you’re both committed, there are a few ways you can get your Saturday afternoon cornhole buddy back without leaving scars.
Don’t Let History Repeat Itself
Very important: whatever you do, don’t sleep together again. It will make things even more complicated, and it’ll set a precedent that will be even harder to detach from. Leave it as a one night only thing and stick to your guns on that. Otherwise, the situation will only get weirder, and before you know it, you’ll be actively avoiding eye contact with each other and making the most awkward small talk of your life anytime you’re in the same vicinity. Not fun.
Give Each Other A Little Time To Process
You really think i care?
lmaooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooiactuallydoandyoujusthurtmyfeelings
— Polo (@drippedgucci) January 13, 2020
No matter how good a friend this guy is, once you sleep with someone, you enter a realm that’s decidedly past friendship. Waking up and acknowledging the insane thing the two of you did is a good idea, especially if you can add some humor in there (“wow, I had no idea you have a tattoo there” sort of stuff), but once you separate, take some space for yourself. If you give both of you some time to digest the situation, you’ll be better equipped to resolve it and leave it in the past.
Tell One Friend You Really Trust—And No One Else
This is a hard one, especially if you’re like the Gretchen Wieners of secret keeping (meaning you really, really suck at it). But, if everyone in your friend group knows what happened, it’ll be even harder to live it down. Tell one friend whose judgment you know you can depend on, and even more so, the friend you know won’t blab to anyone else. That way, you’ll get someone else’s perspective and advice in there in case your inner conscience is as hungover as the rest of you.
Recommit To Your Friendship
let’s be friends with benefits. the benefits? you get to be friends with me
— 𝔐𝔞𝔯𝔰 (@sailormarspimp) January 22, 2020
Things aren’t just automatically going to go back to normal because you both agree that what you did was totally stupid and never to be repeated no matter how many shots in you are. You’ve moved your friendship to a level previously unexplored, and that can be complicated for anyone. There might be a couple ups and downs, or more than a couple, before he starts to feel like the guy friend you can binge watch Gossip Girl reruns with instead of like the guy who last saw you naked. And, more importantly, that’s fine. It’s okay if there’s a little weirdness at first. But if you really care about each other as friends, you can’t give up on each other because of one semi-awkward brunch after the fact. The critical thing is to keep trying, little by little, and that will only work if you’re both fully committed to being best buddies again.
So, don’t panic if you see him the next day and all you can think about is how he helped you find your bra under his bed. Just do your best to act like you normally would, be transparent about how you’re feeling, and don’t forget to keep finding the humor in the situation. Because let’s face it, it’s a little funny that the guy who you’ve seen stick French fries up his nose has also seen your boobs. With that attitude, you’ll both get past the temporary shift in your friendship and things between the two of you will start to feel normal and comfortable again. Before you know it, you’ll be back to acting as his wing woman and high fiving him when he leaves the bar with the cute girl you talked him up to all night. That’s what are friends for, right?
Images: Becca Tapert / Unsplash; drippedgucci, sailormarspimp / Twitter
If you’re at a point where you’re totally ready to get into a serious relationship, it’s annoying when someone you’ve gone on date after date with ends up only having wanted to get into your pants. It’s understandable that experiencing this can make you want to flat-out ask the next person you date whether or not they want a relationship also, which Jared and Jordana discussed on the latest episode of the U Up? podcast when a listener asked after how many dates this is okay to do. If you do ask, you run the risk of scaring that person away, especially if you just met. It’s difficult to know when the right time to ask is, or if there is even a right time at all, but there are ways to take hints and find out on your own whether the person you’re dating is in it for the long haul.
1. They Open Up To You And Have ~Deep~ Conversations
Obviously people don’t just reveal everything to any random stranger they meet. If someone opens up to you about something that’s meaningful to them, it’s a pretty good indicator that they’ll be sticking around for a while. If they start conversations about deep topics, it’s because they look at you in a serious and important way, not just someone to talk about lighthearted, fun stuff with. I know I wouldn’t tell a guy about my crazy One Direction obsession unless I knew he was the real deal (and in too deep to become terrified of me and run away).
2. They Mention Future Plans That Involve You
If they talk about doing something together that would happen a considerable amount of time later, that means they want to still be in your life by then. Even something as simple as talking about going to a show that is a while away or that park that looks so beautiful when the leaves change color in the fall while it’s still summer. What seems like just subtle suggestions can actually tell you a lot about where their mind is. No one that consciously doesn’t expect, plan, or hope to move things further with you would hint at wanting to do something with you that would happen far enough into the future that they’d have to keep seeing you. They probably wouldn’t even be thinking of cute things they want to do with you at all.
3. They Make An Effort To Stay In Communication With You
Worrying about someone texting you first seems a little middle school, but if they are actually thinking about you and truly want to stay connected to you, they’ll initiate conversations. If you feel like you’re the one who has to do all the work in terms of communicating, you’re probably more into them than they’re into you, and they probably aren’t that serious about the potential for a relationship. Being a “bad texter” isn’t a good excuse, because if they really were excited to talk to you, they’d be all over it.
4. They Don’t Wait Too Long Before Trying To Plan Another Date With You
It’s probably a bad sign if the person you’ve gone on a few dates with doesn’t try to plan another one until a few weeks have gone by. This gives off the impression that they don’t really care to foster a stronger relationship with you and don’t put you high on their list of people they want to make plans with. On the other hand, you’re clearly on someone’s mind if they are eager to see you again, and they most likely want to keep moving things forward with you.
5. They Talk About Their Friends And Family With You
Friends and family are usually the ones people are closest to. If someone openly talks about the people in their life that mean the most and the potential of you meeting them, that is probably a good sign that you’re someone they could see themselves getting into a relationship with.
6. They Remember Small Details About You
If you’re ordering dessert and they ask why you’re getting the cheesecake and not the chocolate cake because they remember how much you love dark chocolate, that means they’re interested enough in you to pay attention to the little details you tell about yourself, which probably means you’re more than just a date for the night to them.
To hear Jared and Jordana’s thoughts on the question of after how many dates you can ask if someone wants a relationship, you can listen to the latest U Up? episode below.
Images: Relevante design / Unsplash Tumblr; Tenor (5)
Dear Betches,
I am suffering from some serious drunken regrets right now! I was casually seeing (regularly having sex, going on dates ~3x/week, talking every day, etc.) this guy for about 3-4 months. Naturally/unfortunately, I started to catch feelings and when I brought up how I felt and wanting to be a bit more serious, and he wasn’t on the same page, we decided to end things and left off on good terms about a month ago.
I usually pride myself in my ability to not drunk text, but I was especially wasted this weekend and texted him around midnight. I was out and he was at home sober, but I told him to come over and he did. Totally blacked out when he got there and woke up confused with him in my bed. Usually we’d get breakfast or something, but he told me I was so wasted the night before and being so weird, saying the stupidest things, etc., but he wouldn’t tell me what! He left shortly after and ever since I’ve been so embarrassed and can’t stop obsessing over what I must’ve been acting like. I know I shouldn’t care, we don’t have many mutual friends and he’s not someone I run into when I’m out, but still, I did have feelings for him and I don’t like that his opinion of me probably isn’t that great anymore.
Any tips on how I can get over the regret and embarrassment I’m feeling?
I love when people write into me like “How do I stop feeling sad over my ex?” or in this case “How do I stop feeling embarrassed?” The short answer is: you just fucking do it. I wish I could control other people’s feelings, but I can’t do that. If I could, I would use my superpowers for the greater good, i.e., getting Future to fall in love with me and not helping you overcome one slightly embarrassing moment. Just let it go/laugh it off. Everyone says dumb shit when they’re drunk at some point or another. Until I complete the final testing on my time machine, you can’t go back and un-say what you said to this guy. But for the record, when my time traveling device is complete I’m not sharing it with you bitches.
Dear Betch,
I dated my best friend and it ended terribly. He started seeing his ex again (primary reason for the break up) and I am absolutely psychotic and agreed to try and be friends (stupid) after a few tears were shed between the two of us. He informed me that his girlfriend doesn’t like me (not shit, I wouldn’t like me, either). I don’t want to be her friend and I don’t care whether or not she likes me but I am afraid that if I were to agree to be his friend: 1. she would turn him against me (she has already tried) and 2. that he just says he wants to be friends because he feels bad about what happened or wants me to tell him that what he did to me was okay and that as soon as I agree to be his friend again he will stop trying because he won’t feel bad about it anymore.
There is no way on his own that he would stop talking to me—I am his best friend and we used to be inseparable. But the friendship was already damaged by our breakup and he has known her for much longer than he has known me. He also obviously chose her over me and was he a true friend if he could use me when he was lonely and move on that easily? They jumped back into their relationship the same day he broke up with me.
I am currently not speaking to him and told him that it is not likely that we can ever be friends. Although I agreed that our relationship got boring (his fault, no doubt in my mind) I think it was because I was trying so hard to make him happy since I knew I was the only person who could. We were a lot better when we were just friends but I don’t know that he needs me now since he’s the type of person that drops his friends and only sees his girlfriend when he’s in a relationship.
I am considering two routes: not talking to him until they break up and he realizes how stupid he was for getting back together with her for the 38924th time or being a friend and talking to him. The main problem is that he really fucked up in a super serious way and I am the best person capable of understanding the situation. While it was frustrating to have to deal with everything with his problem, I know the best way for him to move on from it is by talking to me.
I don’t want to lose him as a friend but he really didn’t treat me like one by treating me so badly and getting back with his ex after he was well aware that I would not be able to accept that. She treated him so badly and it’s one of those things where you hate your best friends ex and every time they get back together and they have the same stupid drama you just want to scream GET OVER IT you’re not going to marry each other!!!!!! I told him that if he wanted to get back together with her he would lose me as a friend and that is exactly what he chose. He keeps asking if there is anything he can do to make it up to me but he must not have cared that much about me if he used me as a rebound and got back with his ex right?
The last time they got back together I honestly did continue talking to him in the hopes that we would start hooking up again but after being together for a while the sex got boring so I don’t even know that this is worth it. The only things I could get out of this now are the “you were right, I shouldn’t have done that” and maybe making him feel a little better (but I don’t know that he deserves to).
Is he being genuine or does he just want to feel better about what he did? Or is he holding on to me to make sure he has a backup plan?
Sorry for rambling :/
You’re all over the place. First, you’re blaming him for being a boring boyfriend. Then, you’re saying nobody could make him happy like you could. Are you a ’90s pop singer? Cut that shit out. I’m getting whiplash rn from all the different positions you take in this letter (I will withold the Trump jokes—for now). Anyway, yeah, you should stop being friends with this dude. Do I really have to rehash the “You never had a guy friend, you had someone who was willing to play the long game and wait it out until he could fuck you” thing? Because I’ll do it. Oh wait, I guess I just did. Anyway, yeah, stop talking to him. If you dated, he’s no longer your “friend”—he’s your ex. I wouldn’t want my boyfriend talking to an ex he just broke up with, either.
Also, “I know the best way for him to move on from it is by talking to me” ??? Bitch, what? You really think the best way for this guy to get over his relationship with you is by talking to you about it? Are you on drugs? I don’t have time for this. Distance yourself from this “friend.” Bye.
