The best part about getting married (other than the whole “finding someone to stand by your side during the good times and bad for the rest of your life” thing), is that for once, FINALLY, everything is all about you. Sure, in your head it usually is, but now? Now it’s for real. Estranged friends come crawling out of the woodwork clamoring for an invitation to the wedding. Acquaintances who are trying to make their calligraphy businesses take off DM you about place cards. Family members comment on how prominent your collarbones are. It’s the stuff of dreams.
And then it happens. The phenomenon that occurs when a bride is of moderate popularity and child-bearing age: One of your 4-12 bridesmaids has the AUDACITY to get pregnant.
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Whether she had been trying to get pregnant for years or this was a total accident miracle baby, you’re now faced with the fact that NOT ONLY is one of your besties jeopardizing all of your plans, but now she’s, dare I say, upstaging you? Before you throw her out of your wedding and wish ill upon her unborn child, take a deep breath and do your best not to jeopardize your entire friendship over something as small as bringing another human life into the world. If you want to ensure your friendship lasts beyond the second trimester, heed our advice and remember: Pregnant friends now make for great babysitters if you pop out a few of your own in the future. So if you do have a pregnant bridesmaid, here’s what NOT to do.
Don’t: Make Her Feel Like Sh*t
The most impressive thing my body has ever done is digest 14 breadsticks while hungover at the Olive Garden. Your friend is growing a human inside of her. Rumor has it, that sh*t takes work. Odds are, she’s already feeling bad. Between the morning sickness, backaches, and nightmares about having to take care of another human for the rest of her life (I’m just spitballing here), she’s already dealing with a lot. While it’s a bummer that she’s not going to be tossing back tequila in Cancun with you at your bachelorette party or partaking in some ceremonial puff-puff-pass after getting back to your Airbnb, do your best to love her in this stage. Take a million ‘grammable party bump pics and utilize your other friends for their overzealous alcoholic tendencies. Her ability to down Fireball like a fish may be gone for now, but her spirit is always with you. RIP.
Don’t: Expect The Same Level Of Commitment
Being a bridesmaid is like working two 9-5 shifts in a row and not getting paid
— betchesbrides (@betchesbrides) September 30, 2019
Before she started growing a person inside of her, there was a good chance your friend would have been right by your side (physically and mentally) every step of the way. Dress shopping, mother-in-law bitching, wine nights to stuff invitations that turn into party nights to complain about how your fiancé doesn’t seem to care which linens you pick—she was your go-to. Now? She’s going to the doctor twice a week (disclaimer: I have no idea how often pregnant people go to the doctor, but this feels like a solid guess), sitting with her legs elevated 24/7, and insisting she needs to go home by 9pm.
Instead of expecting her to perform at the same caliber as she would have been if she hadn’t
forgotten to use a condom gotten knocked up, use her condition to your advantage. Ask your other, less pregnant bridesmaids to do the heavy lifting and hide out with Preggers in the other room, catching up and whispering curse words to her fetus. Bow out of the extended small talk at your shower to “make sure your pregnant friend is okay,” while really just talking sh*t together in the bathroom. It might not be what either of you had originally pictured, but it doesn’t mean it’s going to suck total ass, either. It could be worse. I mean, YOU could be the one who’s pregnant, so praise be for that not being the case, amiright?
Don’t: Be Unwilling To Change Your Plans
Turns out, having a baby wreaks havoc on not only your lifestyle but your body too—who knew? Between swollen ankles, an exhausted body that is literally growing another body inside of it, and the fact that you’re not allowed to drink alcohol for the longest period of time since you were like, 16, it’s a f*cking lot. What, I imagine, would make it harder, would be to have one of your besties be unwilling to accommodate you in order to be a part of her special celebrations. Sure, it’s a drag that a bachelorette party during your friend’s third trimester might not work or that a trip to somewhere with Zika might be out. But, as you’ll quickly learn with wedding planning, things tend to not go as planned. You can either embrace it or you can be a total bitch and try to fight it. The first option causes less stress-induced breakouts.
What is comes down to is this: If she’s one of your day ones, and you can’t imagine not having her at as many things as possible, talk with her and be willing to alter plans and compromise together. Unless she’s a total see you next Tuesday, she’ll understand that some things you can’t change, but can compromise on others. At the end of the day, what matters more: having her with you or having the dream events you envisioned in your head? Bonus question: If she’s not there, wouldn’t it mess up your dream anyway?
Don’t: Compare Her Now To What Could Have Been
Before she got knocked up, there’s a good chance she would have been right by your side, throwing up tequila at your bachelorette party or getting drunk with you after your bridal shower and laughing at all of the weird gifts you got from distant relatives (thanks for the fertility herbs, Aunt Jenna). Now? She’s in bed by 10pm at your bach party, if she even went at all, and she left as soon as the gifts were opened at your shower because a wave of nausea hit her. It’s easy to judge and compare her to what your friendship was like before, but ready for some hard truth? Sh*t’s not the same anymore. Not for either of you.
You’re getting married and she’s about to push a human out of her vagina. Instead of dragging your feet and complaining about how you pictured it all to go, try to remember that if everything stayed the same you would still be crying at the club (yes, the club. You’d still be going to CLUBS) about some loser who didn’t text you back instead of getting ready to walk down the aisle. Embrace the changes and do your best to celebrate both of you, as annoying as it might seem in the moment.
Don’t: Make This Time All About You
Remember at the beginning when I said this time was all about you? Joke’s on all of us, because one of your besties failed to practice the ol’ pull and pray. Now, as all of your college friends rush to see your ring, they’re also elbowing their way to your friend to get a bump picture for the ‘Gram. Yes, it’s annoying. Yes, it’s unfair. No, you can’t be a total bitch about it. While in a dream world everyone’s special moments would fall at different times so you could all have your own undivided attention, it tends not to happen that way. It’s the curse of having lots of friends. Sorry, you’re like, really popular.
The key? To ensure everyone has times that are all about them (showers, food tastings, baby registry shopping, etc.) and to focus on their milestones. While your wedding might not be the year-long “all about you” celebration you always pictured (which is obnoxious anyway), it’s better than losing a friendship over a baby that could, potentially, hold your finger with its entire hand someday and cause your ovaries to explode from sheer cuteness.
Don’t: Bend Over Backwards 110%
Sure, she’s a goddess, a gift from heaven, and a glowing, gorgeous example of femininity. But, while her pregnancy announcement is big, your news is too. Compromising so she can be at the shower, understanding if she can’t stay over in your hotel room the night before the wedding, and accepting that standing at the altar for an extended period of time might be too much, are one thing. Her making this time ONLY about her is another. While brides can become bridezillas, moms-to-be can become future-momzillas. If you’re compromising, so should she.
Just like a marriage isn’t a one-way street, neither is friendship, especially when you’re both experiencing exciting, scary, and life-changing moments. You need to be there for each other by listening to the venting, not undermining each other’s fears, and cherishing these special moments without undercutting the other. It’s just as important that she’s on board to compromising because while this time isn’t all about you, it’s (shockingly) not all about her, either.
Don’t: Forget Why She’s In Your Wedding In The First Place
Unless you got wasted and accidentally asked her to be in your bridal party (been there, done that), odds are she’s a pretty important person in your life. Whether she’s knocked up or not, she’s been there for you through tears, triumphs, and most likely lots of bitching about the person you’re going to marry that she PROMISED to take to the grave.
So, as you’re adding “find a breast pumping room” onto your venue to-do list and changing your bachelorette party date to a time when she won’t look and feel like a total beluga whale, remember that this friendship is about more than just a bachelorette party, a picture-perfect wedding, and bridesmaids in dresses that make them look bangin’ but still slightly less hot than you. It’s about being there for each other through the highs and the lows, the wedding planning meltdowns and the post-birth vagina stitches.
At the end of it all, friendship means never having to say, “I’m sorry I was a total bitch to you when milk was seeping out of your nipples at my wedding,” or something like that.
Images: pyrozhenka / Shutterstock.com; betchesbrides / Twitter; Giphy; boredpanda
Now that the ice of winter is thawing, our hearts are starting to do the same. Kind of. It’s almost wedding season, which means we’re constantly being bombarded with engagement photos and reminders that we need to spend more money on other people instead of ourselves. Ugh, boring. On the one hand, weddings mean a lot of work, which is suboptimal. You have to put in a lot of exhauting hours of online shopping to make sure that you’re not photographed at this wedding wearing the same thing you wore to last week’s wedding, and you will probably have to pretend that you enjoy the company of your friend’s weird, drunk uncle for at least 15 minutes until you can find an excuse to run away to the bar. It’s taxing.
On the other hand, weddings mean open bars and new profile pics, so things aren’t all that bad. If you’re dating someone, going to a wedding means cute pics of you and your SO in formal attire, and at least one awkward drunken conversation about if/when you’ll tie the knot yourselves. If you’re single, weddings open a whole new world of opportunities for you. Do you want to fly solo and see where the
unlimited free tequila shots wedding vibes take you? Or do you want to invite a potential future bae and test out his partying abilities? Bringing a date is obviously the safer choice that also guarantees you will get laid, but when is it appropriate to take the risk and go stag? Let’s break down the pros and cons of this very important wedding season decision.
Pro: You Might Actually Meet Someone Chill And Hit It Off
It might sound fun to bring one of your guy friends with you and make him spend $$ on a suit just so you don’t cry about dying alone, but if the groom has hot single friends, you’ll already be taken in their eyes. Starting every convo off with “Oh Frank? we’re not dating, he’s just my backup” isn’t exactly chill. Bringing a date you don’t actually care about
may will definitely hurt your chances of meeting a cool bro who you could, potentially, learn to care about. Or at least have a fun one night stand with, which is a lot more fun than explaining to everyone who asks that your “date” isn’t really a “date” and is more of a “gay BFF.” Unless he’s flaming, nobody will believe you anyway.
Con: All The Groomsmen Are Probs Already In Relationships
There’s a good chance most of his friends are already married or close to getting married. Unless your friend is marrying the most responsible one of his group, he’s probably not the first of his bro group to consider committing. Meaning your chances of meeting your soulmate at this wedding are as uncertain as whether or not Beyoncé used a surrogate for Blue Ivy. There is always a chance that you could show up at the wedding alone, spend the wedding dancing alone, and then leave alone, which is probably the most depressing possible way to spend a wedding. Just a thought.
Pro: Nobody Will Tell You That You’ve Had Enough To Drink
Who needs self control at a wedding? Where there’s vodka, there’s a way. Not having a date at a wedding means that you answer to no one, and can do basically whatever the fuck you want without some “more responsible” person side-eying you. Who the fuck needs that?
Con: Eventually Everyone’s Going To Couple Off
You can’t dance to “Twist and Shout” by yourself for the whole party. Even though you’re definitely going to dance to “Twist and Shout”. What a great song. Whether it be the people who already came coupled up or the friends who have been waiting all year for a good excuse like a wedding to finally hook up, you’re probably going to be watching some intense coupling going down from all corners of the reception. Not to mention the whole “celebration of the bride and groom’s eternal love” thing, which can be pretty exhausting for those of us who living that perpetually single life.
Pro: You Don’t Have To Match Your Outfit To Anyone
Basically, you can wear whatever color looks good on you. No need to spend hours trying to teach your guy friend the difference between cerulean and azure, or making sure that he got a real suit and not some Men’s Warehouse bullshit. You can just focus on you, and making yourself look fly AF. Something that you probably know how to do pretty well by now.
Con: The Photobooth Is Not As Fun When You’re By Yourself
Damn. Is there anything sadder than a single person taking “fun” photobooth pictures alone? I’m honestly crying just thinking about it. Having nobody to pose next to is probably one of the biggest downsides of not having a date. Who wants to ask someone to take cute pictures of them standing next to their place settings alone? On the bright side, maybe the ring bearer will take a pic with you. Or maybe the bartender will take pity on you and make your drinks super strong.
Pro: You Can Stay As Late As You Want Or Leave As Early As You Want
If you want to Irish Exit, you can ghost TF out of the wedding. If you want to stay and shut down the night, you don’t have to worry about someone else’s 6am call the next day with Tokyo. Going alone to a wedding means that that wedding is officialy all about you. Oh, and the bride. Her too.
Con: You’ll Probably Find Yourself Wondering “What Did I Do Wrong?”
At some point between seeing your friend walk down the aisle (or if your friend is the groom, watching him stand at the altar) and the priest saying “you may now kiss the bride,” this is bound to cross your mind. Look, weddings are emotional. You’re going to get emotional. As you watch that white train glide down the aisle, you’re going to flashback to your failed relationships and wonder what could have been. Should you have just married Brian from the second grade? He’s a lawyer now. You could be married to a lawyer. Fuck.
Pro: You’ll Remember How Happy You Are That You Didn’t Stay In That Shitty Relationship
You’ve managed to date and dump multiple men without ever making the mistake of legally binding yourself to them and now you can thank the universe you’re single. As you watch your friends commit for life, you’ll breathe a sigh of relief that you didn’t commit to that ex who froze his jeans because he didn’t want to wash them. And even when the two of them are up on the alter being all in love and shit, you’ll comfort yourself in the knowledge that she drunkenly told you the sex was “meh” at the bachelorette. Ah, isn’t it great to be single and not dating a fuckboy? The world is your oyster.
Con: What If You Run Into Your Ex Or A Guy You’ve Previously Hooked Up With
If your friend circle is wide, there’s a decent chance you’ll see someone that’s been inside you at this wedding. And seriously, is there anything worse than stuffing your face at an oyster bar only to turn around and be face to face with your college ex and the Instagram model he’s dating now? At that point you’ll probably wish you brought a date, even if it was just your gay best friend.
Pro: You Don’t Have To Bring Some Hookup Who Your Friends Haven’t Met
Sure, Chad buys you iced coffees and bagels every few weeks or so, but if he’s not your boyfriend, you’re both going to have to answer a lot of dumb questions. Like “when’s it your turn” or “why is Chad flirting with that bridesmaid?” Better not risk having to see him in a suit and developing feelings that aren’t there. Leave your questionable hookups where they belong…at 3am as a last resort.
Con: You’re Going To Spend A Lot Of Money On Your Outfit And Hair
If you’re going to shell out hundreds of dollars at TopShop and Drybar, you will at least want a source of constant attention to make it worth it. Sure, the bride is always the most beautiful woman at the wedding, but the point of having a date is having someone to lean over during the ceremony and tell you that you look better. Every self respecting wedding guest needs someone to give you attention while everyone else is giving the bride attention. It’s honestly the only way anyone could make it through.
Going stag to a wedding has a lot of potential benefits, but you should only do so if you know for sure your other friends are doing it too, and there are hot single groomsmen. Otherwise, you’re just a loser.
We here at Betches celebrate moms. Moms are great to talk shit with. They always take your side. And, most importantly, they gave us at least 50% of our current beauty. But just like all things that are great—like cheese and my regular coke binge—limits are key. It’s great to be close with your mom, but you’ve got to have boundaries. Otherwise it’s just plain weird. And that’s why I’m here, to write a response piece to an article I read called “My Mom Is My Best Friend And That Is More Than Ok.” I, a random Betches writer with literally no personal interest in the matter and who doesn’t even know you, am here to tell you that no, it’s not okay—it’s fucking weird.
Literally the first words of this piece are “Thank you for being the Lorelai to my Rory,” so I was already suppressing my gag reflex to begin with.
Things did not get any better for me when I came across passages like:
“Many people can see this as a bad thing or that it means that your mom is your only friend, but that is far from the truth.”
Okay, I am down with the whole “mom as a friend” idea to an extent—which we’ll get to later—but your ONLY friend? Honey, that is concerning. You need to have friends your own age, and you need to have friends that aren’t basically required by virtue of being related to you/having housed you in their womb to be your friend.
Like, if your mom is your ONLY friend in the entire world it means either of a few scenarios are possible. 1) You just moved, which, okay we’ll cut you some slack, Squid. 2) You can’t relate to people your own age which indicates that you should stop watching Oxygen and go to a party or something. 3) You just suck as a person so nobody who doesn’t have to be your friend will. Both the latter two options are troubling, to say the least. If you have ZERO friends other than the woman who carried you in her uterus for nine months, it’s time to look at your life, look at your choices.
“I may have seemed unappreciative growing up, but truthfully I just did not appreciate you enough.”
That … that is literally what unappreciative means.
“My mom is always the first person I call in the morning and the last person I call at night.”
Oh, so you’re one of THOSE. Look, I’m sorry, but between the time you called your mom at night, slept, and woke up, what could have possibly happened in your life that you need to fill your mom in on? Did you have a bad dream? Sorry, but seeing as you’re not Martin Luther King Jr., literally nobody cares. Not even your mom. Yeah, I said it.
“She knows all there is to know about my life and I would not want it any other way.”
See, this, this right here is the problem. Is it great if you’re close to your mom? Yes. Sure. By all means, have a ball. Should your mom know ALL THERE IS TO KNOW about your life? Hell to the no! It’s all about BOUNDARIES. Say it with me now. For instance, it’s cool to tell your mom you went out on a date. It’s even fine to tell her you met your date on Tinder. It’s NOT cool to tell your mom you and said Tinder date met up in an Kroger parking lot and you sucked his dick in the backseat of his car. I’m using a completely random and made-up example for illustrative purposes, obviously.
See what I mean? If your mom really and truly knows every detail about your life it means there’s something wrong with the both of you. Like, my parents love me and are interested in my life and all, but when they asked me what I was doing last Saturday night, they didn’t really want to know what I was actually doing, which was mixing vodka and
Adderall emotions at a lingerie party in Brooklyn. They just wanted to know that I was going out with some friends. Both statements are technically true, but only one allows me to keep my inheritance. Feel me?
In short, if your mom is really your best friend, it’s fucking weird, and I don’t think it means what you think it means. I tell my mom about 20% of what I tell my ACTUAL best friends (sorry, Mom). If you think of you and your mom like Rory and Lorelai Gilmore, there’s probably something wrong. Then again, I never watched Gilmore Girls.
Appropriately Distant Kisses,
Listen up Betches! This week on Betch Slapped, the Betches discuss the Vanderpump Rules finale. We answer your “Dear Betch” questions about being the new betch at the office and, even worse, being the betch stuck in the middle of two eskimo sisters. We give you the lowdown on working out without music and play a quick game of “Would You Rather” including the great debate on whether you should wear jeans for the rest of your life, or never again.
Email [email protected] with your Dear Betch questions for a chance to be featured on the podcast.
Valentine’s Day is a nicegirl holiday, but unfortunately we have to deal with it every year. It’s a nicegirl holiday because even if you’re in a relationship, you have to do coupley shit that you normally don’t need an excuse to do, but this time you’re surrounded by other couples everywhere. It’s like how some people only party on New Year’s Eve, doing date night on Valentine’s Day is for amateurs. And for everyone else it’s an awkward holiday because if you’re in a casual not quite relationship you have to acknowledge your non-relationship status by not texting each other so you don’t seem like you care too much. And if you’re single, then ugh, you go through this thought process.