So I think it’s safe to say that 2017 has been a rough fucking ride for everyone, amiright? And by “rough fucking ride” I mean literally batshit crazy. Like, that time we elected a president whose idea of a good time is drunk texting his ex tweeting insults at foreign leaders who definitely have weapons of mass destruction at their disposal. *smiles through the pain* Or that time we made Nick Viall the next Bachelor and then followed that decision up by making an irrelevant nobody who bangs sorority girls in his spare time Arie the Bachelor after that. Really tough times, my friends. That said, nothing was more batshit this year than when people tried to start a beauty trend. I mean, glitter butts? Fucking rainbow roots? Tbh these weren’t even really the worst of it. And if you’re reading this and thinking you absolutely tried to pull off one of these looks at one point or another in 2017, then congratulations, you’ve made it to my burn book. It’s really a coveted place in my heart. Now prepare to be skewered for it. So here are the worst beauty trends of 2017 (and let’s all pray none of these people fuck up 2018 for us).
1. PIMPLE NAIL ART
First of all, I AM CALLING THE DAMN POLICE on every single one of you bitches who brought this shit to my Instagram news feed by making puss-filled nails a viral fucking phenomenon. It matters not that you didn’t try this trend out for yourself, just that you viewed and/or liked this hate crime of a video. You know what you did, stand by that. Now I have to somehow explain to my future children that you can do anything if you put your mind to it, even spending 12 hours of your life trying to recreate a pimple popper video on your nail bed.
2. SNOGGED LIPS
Ah, and how could we forget the trend that was inspired my walks of shame and reinforced by people who have clearly never been inside of a frat house at 9am on a Saturday designers at Fashion Week? Seriously, if I wanted to walk around looking like a baby prostitute, I’d break out my Kappa Sig semi formal dress from sophomore year. Yeah, it’s gonna be a no from me.
3. ANYTHING PEOPLE DID TO THEIR EYEBROWS EVER
This year we had to cancel eyebrows, because what was once sacred has now been tainted by the garbage people of Instagram who will do literally anything for a fucking like. And if you don’t believe me then let’s look at the damning evidence, shall we?
Lord Jesus, fix it. If I wasn’t already worried that the end of the world was about to come in the form of a Twitter war between a dotard and a Mr. Short and Fat, then I certainly am now.
Exhibit B: Feather Brows
Sorry, I just slipped into a rage blackout for a minute there. I’m back now. If I had known that 2017 would be the year that people started parting their eyebrows the same way I parted my hair in middle school, then I would have deleted my Instagram account January 1. Just saying.
Exhibit C: Barbed Wire Eyebrows
Yeah, that’s what I thought. Instagram is full of trash humans who can’t be trusted with beauty trends, and now we can’t have nice things EYEBROWS. Let’s now have a moment of silence for all those who were led astray by 15-year olds with a vlog beauty influencers and ruined the sanctity of eyebrows for everyone.
4. CONDOM BEAUTY BLENDERS
That’s right, people. Someone, somewhere, thought it would be cool/trendy/worth public humiliation for an Instagram like to blend their face makeup with A FUCKING CONDOM. I shouldn’t have to say this, but since apparently none of you can be trusted to even blend your makeup the right way, then I guess I have to. Condoms should be used for one thing, and one thing only, and that thing is for after your Bumble date with the guy who “accidentally” missed the last train to Jersey sex. THAT’S IT. Anything else and I will call the fucking police on you, because that is a damn crime.
^^Lexy is not wrong. #ImWithHer
5. TATTOOED FRECKLES
I’m still not entirely convinced that this trend wasn’t just an elaborate prank the world pulled on Lindsay Lohan to make her feel like shit for spending the last of her Mean Girls earnings on getting her freckles removed, but okay. Tattooed freckles started to become a thing at the beginning of 2017, because I guess people like shelling out hundreds of dollars to look like their blackheads are out of control? Whatever. To each their own. Tbh this whole trend is just another reason why you shouldn’t move to Bushwick buy into hipster nonsense. Seriously, don’t do it.
Nothing tells the story of your face more than your eyebrows do. Eyebrows are the window to your (black) soul. If you’re hearing this concept for the first time then wow congratulations, what is it like to be totally inattentive to current events? Anyway, if you were born with shitty eyebrows, or if you are still suffering from the aftermath of a waxing incident in 2004, then you probably find eyebrows to be a point of stress for you. You must wake up every morning and draw them on with an eyebrow pencil, or fill them in with a pomade or powder. And if you do neither of those things and just wake up, say “fuck it” and walk out the door, then you are a brave, brave idiot. I say “brave” because it takes guts to enter the world looking like Alison Pill (if you don’t know who that is Google it), and I say “idiot” because your dumbass must be unaware that there’s help out there for you. It’s called microblading. No need to Google that since I’m about to tell you everything you need to know about what microblading is and if you should do it or nah.
When you’ve tried every goddamn pencil, powder, pigment, gel, stencil, ancient tribal chant, prayer, etc. and your brows still suck, it’s time to look at a more permanent solution to thin or shitty brows. Microblading is a semi-permanent brow tattoo procedure that will change your life. Don’t let the concept of a tattoo on your face freak you out. Unlike a regular tattoo, microblading is a form of tattooing where a trained artist uses a handheld tool instead of a machine. They draw hairlike strokes to mimic what your brows would look like if they were fuller. The result, if done right, looks natural and will be the only tattoo you don’t regret getting. Unlike those freckle tattoos.
Freckle Tattoos Are The Latest Beauty Trend For Those Looking To F*ck Up Their Face
As always, when it comes to any sort of elective procedure on your face, vet the fuck out of your microblading expert. An experienced and legit technician should have previous photos of his/her work available for you to look at. Like these:
If you still have questions, hopefully the following fake Q&A session I put together with myself will soothe you.
Does Microblading Hurt?
It feels like a more mild tattoo. If you’ve never gotten a tattoo, then the pain can be equated to getting flicked with a rubber band over and over again. So yeah, it hurts. But there’s always Vicodin.
Will I Look Like This?
I certainly hope not.
How Does The Tech Determine The Shape Of Your Brows?
The technician will take six measurements on your brow bone using a specialized protractor (shouts out to Geometry) made just for microblading procedures.
You should be as communicative as possible with your technician about the results you want. It’s never a bad idea to bring in some photos of brows you admire.
How Long Does It Take To Get Your Brows Done?
About one and a half hours to two hours, depending on how fucked up your brows are. No offense.
How Long Does Microblading Last?
One to one and a half years depending on how you take care of your skin. Use SPF and moisturize to extend the life of the results.
How Much Does Microblading Cost?
The first session costs anywhere from $700 to $900 dollars, but people usually end up getting at least one small touch-up after the first six months. (In other words, if your technician is telling you she can do you brows for $150, run.)
Is There Any Down Time?
Unfortunately, you will not be able to call in “sick” to work like you did when you got your “deviated septum fixed.” There’s no down time with microblading. You might be a little red, but you can resume your daily life right after the procedure is done.
In case there weren’t enough terrifying beauty trends in 2017 already (see: Lisa Frank makeup and the comeback of spray tans via the Cheeto Dictator of the United States), now people are tattooing freckles on their faces and redheads all over the world are ugly crying over their unused concealer sticks.
When I first heard about this trend I thought it was maybe some sort of sick joke being played on Lindsay Lohan because we all know that girl spent half of her Mean Girls earnings trying to laser that shit off. But sadly this shit is very real and appears to be here to stay (at least until the next moronic Instagram beauty trend pops up).
Here’s the deal: for the low, low price of $250 AN HOUR people can ask tattoo artists and trained microbladers to fuck tat them up with fake freckles. Apparently people—real people, not characters in a Judy Blume novel—like, actually want permanent face spots? Idk. Guess so, because the hashtag #freckletattoo is casually breaking Instagram and our hearts.
What Is Microblading And Is It Worth It Or Nah?
Permanent Freckle Tattoo https://t.co/ggvn2UtDXq pic.twitter.com/JGzFONzU3l
— Jonathan van Dyck (@JonathanvanDyc1) February 23, 2017
I would bet the glass of wine I’m holding in my hand right now that some hipster model in Bushwick started this trend but now people like Khloé Kardashian are making it famous, and we are seriously disturbed. We aren’t sure when people stopped fucking up their skin the natural way by day drinking spending time in the sun and resorted to this expensive af “beauty” treatment, but yet here we are.
Users claim they’re getting freckle tattoos to cover up acne blemishes and other unmentionables but, you know what, so does FUCKING MAKEUP.
Am I the only one who thinks this looks like the before picture of a blackhead acne commercial??
Just when you thought freckles were for redheads and poor people who can’t afford a Kylighter, suddenly 14-year-olds beauty bloggers on Instagram are there to slap you in the face with a harsh dose of reality. This beauty trend is def for try-hards, but people also get tattoos of infinity symbols so I guess there’s always worse shit you could tattoo on your body. Maybe. Is an infinity tattoo worse than permanent freckles?? The former says “I did molly once at Coachella and now dream of becoming a professional hula hooper,” while the latter says “I have the foresight of a goldfish and actively want people to cyber bully me.” What a fucking world we live in.
Real talk though, who wants to bet that LiLo is getting fucked up in some euro nightclub rn because freckles are in again?
