What Your First College Party Will Actually Be Like

Your first college party is an exciting and slightly terrifying experience. Your imagination has probably run wild with what to expect based on what you’ve seen in movies, TV shows, and stories from graduates from your high school who are somehow always still hanging around your basement kickbacks (can you say peaked?). You may be expecting to be in a mansion of a frat house that’s decked out with Euphoria style lighting and decor, but allow me to set the record straight. This will tell you what’s true, what’s overhyped, and what’s just flat-out not gonna happen so you don’t get your precious party dreams crushed. 

The Pregame

Expectation: The pregame will be a fun and exciting way to meet new people. You’ll play drinking games, listen to some good music, and take a few too many shots with the girl you just met who is now your new bestie. You’ll have incredible conversations about what you’re excited about in college and exchange numbers with all the new people you just like, click with.

Reality: It’s a complete and total f*cking nightmare unless you’re appropriately buzzed. “Old Town Road” has been played 10 times just in the one hour you’ve been there, someone’s standing on the coffee table trying to teach everyone their favorite TikTok dances, and the punch you paid $10 for tastes like it has maybe one shot in the entire bowl. Your night will go one of two ways: you’ll black out and never make it to the party or you’ll roll up completely sober. Choose wisely. 

 

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Your Outfit

Expectation: You look perfect the whole night. The time you spent tearing apart your closet to decide which black top among a sea of black tops you were going to wear, redoing your eyeliner a hundred times, and starting to get ready two hours early to give your hair the perfect beach waves has all paid off. No amount of humidity or dancing could possibly destroy your Insta-worthy look. 

Reality: Five minutes after you get to the party, you catch your reflection and your look’s already gone to sh*t. Your makeup has melted and your hair, which was once as sleek and smooth as an influencer’s Facetuned skin, is now a mile high with frizz and chucked up into a messy bun. Oh, and someone spilled their drink on you the moment you stepped in the door. Thankfully you were too drunk to notice. To top it all off, by the end of the night your shoes got destroyed and you lost your jacket, but hey, at least you took pics before you left! 

The Actual Party

Expectation: You’ll spend the night dropping it low with your friends while scream-singing your favorite songs, impress everyone with how unexpectedly good at beer pong you are, and miraculously wake up without a hangover despite out-drinking everyone else. You’ll be the undeniable life of the party and your plan to totally kill it at this ~college thing~ will go off without a hitch.

 

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Reality: You’re going to spend more time trying to find a bathroom that isn’t totally disgusting to pee in and looking for your friends who somehow disappear every five minutes than you will socializing and dancing. After a while you’ll settle on peeing outside and accept that you’re friends are probably dead now, but honestly, the three minutes you’ll lose your sh*t while “Stacy’s Mom” is on are totally worth it.

Your New Obsession Crush

Expectation: You’re going to meet the love of your life. You spot each other across the room the moment you walk in and he somehow only has eyes for you. The crowd parts as you move in slow motion to meet each other. The music playing in the background somehow matches the moment perfectly. Everything is so perfect, it’s almost as if it was cut together by the editors of The Bachelor.

 

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Reality: You spend almost an hour on the porch talking to some dude wearing a half-buttoned Hawaiian shirt (disgusting, but he’s the best-looking one there). You’ll probably get his number and save it under something like “frat guy Hawaiian shirt,” make out a little, but he’ll ultimately end the conversation by being pulled away by one of his frat bros to go play Edward Fortyhands.

The End of the Night

Expectation: Your night will end with a legendary story. Maybe you’ll climb to the roof of your lecture hall, break into the basketball court at 2am, meet someone famous (you know, if you don’t go to school in a cow town), or literally do anything that will make your friends who decided to stay in jealous as f*ck. 

Reality: By the time the party gets shut down, you’ll be too exhausted to even take off your makeup, much less go anywhere other than straight to bed. The only logical way to end your night is by debating whether or not a $4.99 delivery charge is truly worth getting greasy food sent to your room, to which the answer is always yes. You’ll spend about six minutes scarfing down an entire pizza and TBH, in that moment you won’t be able to think of anything more satisfying. 

 

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Granted, there may be a few schools out there where the parties are genuinely incredible and meet your expectations, but I’ve yet to experience that. Whether you’re a freshman going strictly to frat houses, or a senior who frequents the bar and experiences the occasional frat relapse (no shade, we’ve all been there), odds are, the only stories you have from your nights out are about your friend throwing up in your Uber, how you made a total ass of yourself in front of the guy you’ve been talking to, or, my personal favorite, you won’t have any stories at all because you went too hard and can’t remember a thing. Better luck next year!

Images: Aditya Chinchure / Unsplash; dietstartstomorrow, off campus (2), betches / Instagram

5 Fall Jackets Under $35 That You Won’t Mind Losing

At one point or another, we’ve all been guilty of walking across campus in nothing but a crop top and pencil skirt for the latest “CEOs and corporate hoes” party. Not only is walking through populated streets in one-third of an outfit almost as degrading as the title of the party (“corporate hoes…” are we kidding?), it’s also not great for your overall well-being, especially when winter rolls around. Do I sound like your mom yet? Wear a jacket or you’ll catch a cold! Even if you feel hot as hell in your outfit, there’s no f*cking way you’re enjoying tip-toeing across campus in heels with your arms crossed so tightly across your body that you’re cutting off your own circulation. You may think you can beat the cold because you have on your “liquor jacket” (aka you pounded shots* until your body heated up) or because you’re going to take an Uber, but let me tell you from firsthand experience, both of those excuses are absolute B.S.

Cold air has some seriously fast-acting sobering qualities, and just because you’re coherent enough to run directly to your Uber on the way to the party doesn’t mean that by the end of the night you and your friends won’t be drunkenly running around like chickens in the freezing cold, approaching every passing vehicle looking for your ride. 

As someone who only started wearing jackets out sophomore year onward, believe me when I say it’s not worth freezing your nipples off just to maintain the aesthetic of your look, or because you don’t want to have to look after a jacket when you get to the frat party. You’ll be so thankful for your sober self when you realize she had your back and made your now-drunk ass wear a jacket out. Here are five frackets (frat jackets) that are cute enough to seamlessly be incorporated into your look, keep you warm(er), and won’t break the bank, because let’s be honest—all of us are broke as hell in college, and you’re not going to hang onto this for more than a season before you forget it somewhere. 

Forever 21 Twill Zip-Front Jacket, $34.90

This jacket is a classic fall staple. It’s versatile enough to be a great layer for your sorority’s apple picking photoshoot during the day, and to cover the bra you’re trying to pass off as an actual top at night. Let me assure you, no one’s buying your “no it’s just like a really short crop top, like a bralette” bullsh*t, but you will look a lot less like a try-hard freshman if you have this cute jacket over it. The Army green also provides a nice pop of color, which can be a good change for someone like me who lives in strictly black clothing year-round.

Nasty Gal Day Tripper Denim Jacket, $32.00

Every basic bitch loves a denim jacket. They go with everything and provide juuuust enough warmth for the walk from your dorm to the frat house. This denim jacket will give you a trendy yet relaxed look and can easily be tied around your waist without looking stupid once you inevitably start having hot flashes in the frat basement. 

Pro tip: only wear your denim jacket if MAX one or two other people in your friend group have one on too. It may be purely coincidence that you all decided to sport black ripped jeans and a blue denim jacket, but in reality you just look like a group of glorified girl scouts, and it’s not cute. 

H&M Padded Bomber Jacket, $34.99

This bomber is a great addition to give your look a more relaxed vibe. Its lining provides a bit of extra protection from windchill, and the best part is you can dress it up or down. Also, if you manage not to lose or forget your bomber jacket at the party, it can make you look like you actually put in effort for your 8am as opposed to your usual bed-rat-chic aesthetic. It’s a win-win! 

Forever 21 Faux Leather Moto Combo Jacket, $27.99

Whether you’re dressing up as a slutty biker chick (how original) for Kappa Sig’s infamous Halloween party or you were invited to a winter frat formal and can’t sacrifice not wearing that minidress just because it’s -16 degrees outside, a classic black (faux) leather jacket is the way to go.

Don’t waste your money (or lack thereof) on an expensive leather jacket. Trust me, no one in college or in a dingy frat basement will give a f*ck or ask about the $500 vintage leather jacket you got from the leather market in Italy when you were abroad.

SHEIN Dual Pocket Faux Fur Teddy Jacket, $32.00

Another basic bitch staple is the teddy coat. While the majority of these coats don’t provide any actual warmth, this SHEIN teddy coat is lined with fuzzy fabric on the inside, making it the perfect addition to your look for the winter months. You may think you can live by Cardi B’s “a hoe never gets cold” philosophy, but trust me, the second the winter air smacks your bare skin, you’ll be bitching the entire way to the party about how much you wish you had a jacket. 

Investing in any of these jackets (or anything similar) will literally be one of the smartest decisions you make in college. For those of you who are concerned about losing your fracket, getting it stolen, or looking like a mom in Disney World by having it tied around your waist, not to worry, we’ve got a few tips that even your drunk self will be able to follow. 

As soon as you get to the party, try putting your jacket in the oven (after you’ve checked it hasn’t been used recently). There’s a zero percent chance anyone in the frat or at the party will get the urge to bake cupcakes in the middle of the action, so your jacket should make it through the night. If you know someone who lives in the frat house, you should first of all, reevaluate the company you keep, and secondly just throw your jacket in their room. Try to make it a little hidden because people are allllways stealing sh*t from frats, but this is probably your best option because you can at least blame it on them if something were to happen to your fracket. 

Basically, as long as you never leave your jacket lying around in the open or “hidden” somewhere outside the house, you should be fine. Let this be your formal warning that the girls who go to frat parties are ruthless; they’re just as cold and drunk as you are, and will sniff out your fracket and steal it without a second thought. 

*As always, please drink responsibly, betches. Your roommate doesn’t want to have to call your mom to tell her you had to get your stomach pumped because you were trying to keep up with Brad and Chad on the shotski. 

Images: Jesus Desanto / Unsplash; H&M; Forever 21 (2); Nasty Gal; SHEIN

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Swarthmore College Fraternities Suspended Amid Horrifying Allegations

Two fraternities at Swarthmore College — the only two frats on campus — have been disbanded following intense student protests and allegations of racism, homophobia, misogyny, and sexual violence. The accusations are supported by documents brought to light by two of the school’s publications, The Phoenix and Voices, which include damning leaked “meeting minutes” from the Phi Psi fraternity that span over six years and also reference activities of Delta Upsilon.

The contents of 116-page documents were redacted, as is the trend these days. But, the phrases “rape tunnel” and “rape attic” were mentioned with regard to Delta Upsilon, the idea of which is equal parts disgusting and horrifying. Moreover, there were multiple instances in which Phi Psi made derogatory statements — which they appear to deliver as humor — about minorities, members of the LGBTQ+ community, and women. Frats: Can you all just stop making everyone’s lives a living hell hole and just stick to chugging Coors Light while listening to Post Malone?

Phi Psi and Delta Upsilon met this well-earned fate thanks to Swarthmore students in a group called the Coalition to End Fraternity Violence. The organization planned sit-ins and demonstrations that lasted over four days and garnered national attention. As a result of their efforts, it seems school administrators finally realized: wait, maybe we should listen to people when they say they’re being marginalized and sexually assaulted and take the existence of “rape attics” more seriously. What a novel approach!

Valerie Smith, the university’s president, announced the suspension on Tuesday. “I absolutely condemn the language and actions described in the documents from 2013-16. What is contained within those pages is vulgar and deeply offensive to all of us,” she wrote in a statement. “The racism, misogyny, and homophobia described within them is antithetical to the values of the College and violates the student code of conduct as well as basic decency.”

The suspension also comes after an ex-member of Phi Psi published an op-ed in the school newspaper supporting these claims of abuse and insisting the school rid itself of the two fraternities.

The official statements from both of these fraternities are below, and now maybe these guys can use all their new free time to learn how to respect people or you know, be held accountable for their actions.

We Have Definitive Proof That Congress Is Just A Frat House

Isn’t every frat bro’s worst nightmare graduating and leaving the glory days behind? Well, they’re in luck because they can just run for the House of Representative and spend the night with their legislative brothers. Yes, you heard me right. Congressmen sleeping in their offices, essentially getting free housing and not paying taxes on their place of residence, all while cutting government funding programs, is apparently a thing. It’s a elected official’s fuckboy’s wet dream, really. 

WTF Is Going On?

If a building has Greek columns on it, it’s automatically a frat house, right? It seems that somewhere between 50-75 elected officials (mostly men, because duh) have chosen to essentially live at their offices. This means they are receiving all of the bennies, such as free cable, free security, and free utilities during non-office hours. Fyi, it’s potentially a violation of an ethics code that prohibits official resources from being used for personal use, so there’s that. It’s also like, really gross. Like, go stink up your own home with your morning breath, Paul Ryan.

Remind Me Why I Care?

Thirty GDI members from the Congressional Black Caucus (CBC) have decided the party is over and wrote a letter to the Dean of Congress, aka the House Ethics Committee. They stated that not only is it unprofessional and unsanitary, but also a misuse of government funds to live for free in the office. The CBC is on a mission to take down frat row and prohibit any lawmaker from using their office as a home too. Some women and Democrats are also partaking in the frat life, but most are also pissed and grossed out by it all. Another reason for this happening is that members are already on probation for certain bros dealing with sexual misconduct accusations. Again with the frat house similarities.

Who Wants To Live In An Office?

Members have been doing this for years and in the past have been praised for how frugal they are for couch surfing. Most members are in DC for less than 150 days a year, so paying $2,000 in rent just seems like throwing away money. In fact, members have been passed over for a pay promotion for seven years in a row now. It’s almost like they aren’t making good enough grades for Greek life to give them more funding. The office life isn’t so bad though. There is a cleaning service, en-suite bathroom, mini fridge, and microwave ready to go, exactly like my freshman year dorm. The idea of laws being made in an environment similar to my dorm life is legit terrifying.

It doesn’t seem like the House Ethics Committee is in a hurry to do anything about this, seeing as it’s been two months since they received the letter of complaint. Looks like Greek life is on for lawmakers at the White House. Rush Congress 2018! It’s not four years, it’s for life until Trump fires you.

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