As per my usual morning routine, at roughly 8:54am today I finally got out of my apartment while picking up my Uber’s third “where the fuck are you” call. But unlike my usual totally chill 9:15 Starbucks-in-hand appearance, today got a little more in the “maybe I should buy my boss a present so she doesn’t fire me” range. Why? Halfway to my apartment lobby, I realized I forgot to put on perfume—so I turned around, ran up five flights of stairs (one week of cardio, woo), and fixed that shit. For those of you who would dare question my priorities, I can guarantee you just haven’t found a perfume as good as mine yet. Trust me, once you start hearing “whoa, you smell really good” 3-4 times a day, you won’t leave the house without it either. If you haven’t found your perfect fit yet (and no, I’ll never tell you mine), here are the hottest new fall fragrances you can try out.
The Classic: Gucci Bloom Eau de Parfum
Unlike Like people, you usually shouldn’t judge a perfume by how it looks—but in this case, the packaging is pretty on-brand for what to expect. Basically, if you got into the millennial pink trend this past summer and executed it half as well as whoever designed this perfume bottle, you’ll probably like the way this smells. Like you, this light and floral perfume is classy, sweet, but not overbearing (looking at you, Vera Wang Princess), and has just enough edge to show you’re not boring. (Read: it contains a little jasmine, the quintessential “I am worldly and interesting” note of every fragrance ever.)
The Bold: Hermès Twilly d’Hermès Eau de Parfum
A few warnings about this one: 1) several sources have described it as “spicy,” which is typically not great, and 2) it’s specifically and emphatically designed for “free, bold, and irreverent” young women. So this ginger-heavy floral is probably what you’d smell on a college freshman who’s really into traveling “for the culture,” and pisses you off by pulling off the best orange-red lip you’ve ever seen. If you’re not afraid to
smell kind of like a teabag be a little different and you’re confident in your style, this one might be for you.
The Woody: Diptyque Vetyverio Eau de Parfum
casually browsing an article about what smells men find attractive doing serious journalism research, I discovered that men tend to be attracted to scents that could be worn by either gender or are woodsy. Beyond furthering my theory that men just secretly hate all women don’t like anything that could be described as “feminine,” this article also confirms that men will probably dig Diptyque’s new scent. (This is not about needing men’s approval, it’s about liking men’s attention. Calm down.) It’s fruity and floral enough to not just smell like aftershave, but the woody/earthy tones are actually really clean, yummy, and not what you typically imagine when people make the unfortunate choice of using the word “musk” to describe their fragrance. This is a great scent for making people think you’re “down-to-earth” and “up for a hike” while maintaining a 10-step skincare routine and spending hundreds on Diptyque candles.
The Custom: After Hours Eau de Parfum
If you’re just looking for a perfume that will show people you’re better than them (which you should be), look no further: Azzi Glasser, creator of bespoke fragrances for Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham-Carter (which I guess is a fancy way of saying she threw spiderwebs, whiskey, and broken dreams into a fancy bottle) has a series of fragrances that you can match to your “Character and Style.” Ranging from “Provocative/Confident/Fun” to “Feminine/Loyal/Soulful,” there’s a very expensive perfume to match just about any Bumble bio you can come up with. The newest scent, “After Hours,” is described as “Glamorous/Magnetic/Sensual,” is exclusively available at Harrod’s, and contains Serena Van der Woodsen’s signature patchouli. If you pride yourself on catching trends early and being meticulously put-together, this fragrance is the perfect top-off for your look.
May is kind of a dud of a month when you think about it. There aren’t any major holidays for a betch to dress slutty for or receive gifts during look forward to. I mean, I guess Memorial Day sort of counts if you think wearing a bikini is slutty, but like, it’s really just a watered-down Fourth of July when you think about it. Summer is showing up faster than a breakout after a weekend bender, which is inconvenient because our summer bodies aren’t moving at the same speed. Most of our favorite rooftop bars aren’t even open yet. Considering May is about as action packed as an episode of Antiques Roadshow, I’ve decided to try to find a silver lining in this 31-day suckfest. Here’s what I came up with: May is the perfect month for shopping. Just think about it. The weather perfectly correlates with the temperature inside of stores. It’s not so cold outside that you have to lug a jacket around, but it’s also not so hot that you have to wear a skimpy outfit that will make you freeze in an air conditioned shop. Okay, that’s literally the lamest excuse ever, but you’ve taken less believable lines from fuckboys, so just work with me on this. Here are a few things to buy that are pretty much always on sale in May, because whoever is in charge of deciding sales just like, really gets us. You know?
Remember last week when you saw a pair of Nikes you really wanted at the mall, but then you remembered that the closest you’ve gotten to working out recently is creating a fitness board on Pinterest with one hand in a bag of Cheetos, so you went to Sarku instead? Well, stores are targeting you and have marked down their sneakers hoping that you’ll see a shoe sale and be like, “maybe I’ll actually start working out if I get these.” Instead of feeling weird about it, just go out and get some. Dick’s Sporting Goods is currently having a sale on women’s sneakers. And if you’re having trouble deciding what to get, we already generously provided the trendiest summer sneakers that aren’t your basic-ass Adidas Superstars.
2. Cosmetics and Fragrances
Okay, so when I said there aren’t any holidays in May, I was excluding Mother’s Day because there aren’t exactly any Mother’s Day bar crawls. However, it does definitely affect sales because every mom—yes, even yours—deserves a dope present. Cosmetics and fragrances can be tricky because they’re normally the one exception to every department store sale, but makeup stores get creative when they want to push sales. (“I’m a pusher, Cady. I’m a pusher” Umm… is the Clinique lady trying to sell us drugs?) For example, Sephora currently has tons of gift options and is offering extra Beauty Insider points on fragrances, so they’re like, basically free (or so you will tell your mom when she accosts you about your maxed out credit card yet again).
We’ve already established that shopping for swimwear sucks worse than cracking your iPhone screen. Actually, I’m not sure which one is worse. That’s a shitty round of Would You Rather, sorry, everyone. Anyway, at least when there’s a sale it’s not as bad. I’m pretty sure bikinis go on sale for the same reason as sneakers do—because none of us have really prepared for summer the way we thought we would, and retailers need to rope us in to buying their shit anyway. Everything But Water just added a bunch of stuff to their sale section.
4. Wedding Dresses
If you’re planning on getting married (IDK why you’d ever be doing that, but to each her own), or even just trying to stay prepared if you ever get cast on The Bachelor, you should prob know that May is the best month to buy wedding dresses. Bridal Fashion Week is in April, so the new dresses come out in May and the styles from last year go on sale, so you can stop your little last season Carolina Herrera
at me, honey down the aisle.
5. Party Supplies
Party supplies (aka Solo cups that your friends leave all over your apartment during a pregame) are usually pretty cheap as is, but buying them is a pain in the ass. Who wants to spend money on cups when you can just chug straight from the bottle? Luckily, this stuff goes on sale in May, so you can step up your pregame game a bit. Party City is currently having a sale on pretty much everything.