Ever since I was old enough to subscribe to women’s magazines, I have had mixed feelings about them. While I am a believer in self-improvement, the barrage of articles telling me I should change or improve some aspect of myself made me feel inadequate. Never was this feeling more acute than after reading the sex tips offered by these magazines. I thought I was doing just fine in this area and had never received a bad review, but if these magazines were to be believed, I would need to stand on my head and breathe through my nose while blindfolded in order to really impress in the bedroom. I’m all for keeping things exciting, especially in the context of a long-term relationship, but I just don’t see the same dogged dedication to pleasing your partner covered in men’s magazines. So I have taken it upon myself to do the lord’s work and outline some things that men need to stop doing in bed. Feel free to share with the f*ckboy loving partner in your life.

1. Foregoing Foreplay

According to sex expert and OG betch Dr. Ruth, “It’s particularly important for women to have successful foreplay because it takes a woman a longer time to get up to the level of arousal needed to orgasm.” While this shouldn’t be news to anyone in 2019, my past experiences and those of my friends sadly prove otherwise. I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention a specific subcategory of offenders here: men who refuse to go down on women. These creatures need to be canceled immediately, no questions asked. Be sure to throw the whole man away if he tries to make you feel like there is something wrong with your vagina. Assuming you’re showering regularly and not suffering from an infection in that area, the problem is him and not you. Any loser that tells you differently needs to be deleted from your phone. If you are one of the unicorn women who don’t need foreplay, that’s awesome (and who are you?), but like dessert at a restaurant, it should always be offered.

2. Mimicking Porn

Now that porn is more accessible than ever before, it has served as the basis for the sexual education of most men of our generation. While porn can be fun and useful when you need some new ideas, the depiction of the sex itself is rarely realistic. As we established in item 1, the vast majority of women don’t just come the second a man sticks his unlubed dick inside. And they definitely will not get off if their partner proceeds to pound away at them like a deranged chef making his finest chicken paillard. It’s difficult enough to have an orgasm in missionary; it’s downright impossible when the person on top of you is attempting to set some kind of record for most thrusts in a minute. Under no circumstances is the jack rabbit acceptable. Just. No.

3. Naming The Vagina

I’m not talking about words like “pussy” that, however you personally feel about them, have become part of the lexicon and would be unsurprising to hear in bed. I am referring to words that are a bit more out of the box (pun totally intended). To provide an example, I once had a guy ask me mid-hookup about my “na na.”  After quickly remembering that I don’t call my grandma by that name, nor had this man ever met her, I realized, to my abject horror, that he was talking about my vagina. It was at that point that I went home and proceeded to never text him again. Not only was this extremely creepy, he completely ruined Trey Songz’s “Na Na” for me eternally, which is just unforgivable. When it comes to naming the nether regions, the motto is simple: when in doubt, don’t try it out. Dirty talk is great, but keep the nicknames to yourself.

4. Using A Cliche Sex Playlist

Personally, having sex to music isn’t my jam (though bad puns most certainly are). This might be the case because every guy I dated who was into doing this was a complete and utter tool, but I digress. I think incorporating music can be a fun way to shake things up, but if both people aren’t into it, it’s a recipe for awkwardness, especially if said playlist is a bit too on the nose. You already know what you’re doing, you don’t need the music to narrate the moment like some washed-up DJ trying to pump up the crowd at a third-rate bar mitzvah. Ginuwine’s “Pony” and Boyz II Men’s “I’ll Make Love to You” have no business on a sex playlist, and any guy that thinks otherwise is probably a virgin, or should be.

5. Entering The Backdoor Without Permission

Engaging in anal sex or any other activity involving the butt is a polarizing topic. There are some who love this kind of action, and others who want nothing to do with it. Regardless of where you fall on the spectrum, I think we can all agree that no great love story ever began with a sneak attack on an unsuspecting butthole. At best, you are in for some major discomfort, and, at worst, a literal sh*tshow. I recently heard a story about a girl who ended up with an actual hemorrhoid because some douchelord thought it was okay to bite her ass without so much as a warning. I wonder how adventurous he’d be feeling if he were on the receiving end of such a love bite.

I could go one for hours about obnoxious things guys do in the bedroom, but these five are definitely some of the most common and egregious. Any sexual relationship is always better if you can be open and honest about what you want, so if a dude’s definition of foreplay isn’t cutting it for you, demand better or ditch his ass. What are your biggest sexual pet peeves that I didn’t mention?

Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (5)

Whether you’re single or attached, it’s very likely that you’re not having the hottest sex you could be. I totally get it—between  actual work and the very busy workout/eat out/blackout schedule of a successful young millennial, it’s hard to put effort into yet another activity. But you need to be excited about sex to be having good sex. And IMO, if you’re looking to upgrade your sex life, trying some BDSM-inspired moves is an awesome place to start. Here are the best BDSM-inspired moves for beginners.

Blindfolds

Blindfolds are a great choice for many reasons. First of all, you definitely already have something that could work as one. (If you don’t, go buy 20 scarves and a sleep mask immediately. God.) Second: it’s a small difference, but it changes how you feel—by a LOT. All sensations are heightened when you can’t see, and the fact that you don’t know what’s coming gives you butterflies, like buying a pair of $400 boots, or non-jittery Adderall sending a risky text. The blindfolded party (preferably also restrained) will be forced to give up all control here. This makes playing with blindfolds a great time to experiment with teasing, light spanking, or anything else you would find too awkward with eye contact involved. But if the idea of butterflies sounds unpleasant to you, BDSM may not be for you. There’s a difference between wanting to “switch things up” and being genuinely turned on by the power shifts/pain play involved in BDSM. There are plenty of other options if the latter isn’t true for you.

Bondage

As with blindfolds, you either have bondage materials in your home or you walk around all fall without accessories. Also, as with blindfolds, bondage is the kind of thing that heightens every sensation once it’s in place. If you or your partner enjoys the idea of taking control but struggles to fully act on it in the moment, using either a blindfold or restraints are both great ways to get that final push to a dominant/submissive situation. And for shy beginners or those just starting out, it can be just the push you need to get over your awkwardness and go for it.

On a more practical level, you have some options when it comes to bondage. Usually, your first move will be making sure hands are restrained. You want it tight enough so they can’t just wriggle loose, but not so tight it’s cutting off their circulation. (Also, fashion a knot you know how to untie. *moment of silence for the articles of clothing I’ve had cut off me.*) You can also use lower body restraints, though that obviously requires a higher comfort level for both people.

Use Your Words

No, this is not another speech about how communication is key for a healthy sex life. (Though while we’re on the subject…this is especially true with BDSM.) But in this case, I’m actually talking about incorporating some aspects of BDSM into how you talk to your partner. How you do this depends on which aspect of BDSM you’re attracted to. If you’re more submissive, you can experiment with calling your partner sir/madam/master (or incorporate a punishment if you slip up). This is especially hot if it’s used while the submissive partner is blindfolded/restrained. You can also try incorporating begging, or adding some explicit descriptions of what you’d like to do—while holding back—to any teasing you’re doing.

Another route you can try is using aggressive language (bitch/slut/whore/etc.) This can be exclusively in the bedroom, or how you turn your partner on when you’re texting throughout the day. As with all things BDSM, it should take you out of your comfort zone, but in a way that makes you feel excited—not frightened or genuinely abused. (See all of 50 Shades for a thorough “what not to do.”) And obvi, don’t do anything you’re uncomfortable with.

Largely in thanks to the aforementioned trilogy, BDSM has sadly been made synonymous with “hotter” sex in recent years. But BDSM doesn’t feel hotter for everyone (for example, Anastasia Steele), and you should pay attention if it doesn’t for you. If you want to push your boundaries or experiment with BDSM specifically, though, this list is a good start.

Giphy (4); lounisproduction / Pexels

When it comes to vibrators, I have somewhat limited experience. Specifically, I took one trip to Babeland my junior year of high school to pick out a vibrator I’d seen on an episode of Sex and the City. (A newer model, obviously. Vibrator shopping is not the time to go vintage.) And courtesy of a shitty high school boyfriend, I was almost immediately discouraged from ever using said vibrator. Apparently, bringing in outside help (even on my own), was “insulting.” Whenever I attempted to broach the topic again, my boyfriend literally gave me the silent treatment (real catch, I know).

So before we dive in, let me say that you should dump any partner who tries this bullshit on you. Swiftly. I’m not saying that they’re not allowed to have any opinions or input. But if someone ascribes to the idea that they “own” your orgasms—to the extent that they feel threatened by a couple of triple-A batteries—then they’re not worthy of your time. *Waits for 2/3 of readers to dump their shitty BFs via text* Anyway, let’s discuss how to incorporate vibrators into your sex life.

Figure Out What You Like

Even if you’ve found a vibrator/method you like (and especially if you haven’t), I strongly encourage you to keep experimenting. As with all other sex acts, you really want to avoid falling into a rut with your vibrator. And if you’re using it with a partner for the first time, you’ll definitely need to coach them on how you want the vibrator used. So you can either do that background research on your own, or you can make finding out part of the fun.

A few ways you can do this: try different speeds, areas, and levels of pressure on or near your clit. Try putting it inside yourself. Try it on different parts of your body (Refinery29 suggests trying it on your nipples, or as a back massager.) Use it with lube. Try holding it yourself, and try having your partner hold it.  Also, try it both over and under clothes. I actually thought I hated vibrators for a while because I was basically just bludgeoning my nerve endings with it. If you’re easily over-stimulated, leave your underwear on next time you use a vibrator. It could be a total game changer.

Add It To Foreplay

Ah, foreplay. While far too often relegated to three minutes of making out plus some vague nipple pinching, foreplay really shouldn’t end until you’re 100% ready for the next phase. “Ready” in this case largely refers to being wet, but not exclusively. IDK about you, but I like a good amount of time to get in the right mindset. Otherwise we’re suddenly boning and I realize I’m still thinking about the Dewan-Tatum situation. IMO, using a vibrator can totally change the foreplay experience, and you have lots of options. If teasing is a turn-on for you or your partner, you can use the vibrator on yourself and set a rule. Your partner isn’t allowed to touch you until you say. Or, if you like your partner to dominate you, they can use it on your clit/start fingering you until you’re audibly and visibly ready to move on. Bonus: both these moves are made even hotter if the person not holding the vibrator is tied up.

Add It To Sex

Personally, I think doggy style is one of the best positions for you to use a vibrator. First of all, your partner should be paying attention to your clit anyway. Second, doggy feels deeper and tighter than most positions. So, combining the sensation with a vibrator is basically a sensory overload in the best way possible. Best case: you’re getting G-Spot and clit stimulation at the same time. Worst case: it’s overly intense, so you make some adjustments. (E.g. lower vibrator setting, less direct clit contact, trying a new angle).

If you want to keep the intensity of doggy but prefer to hold the vibrator yourself, you can modify doggy slightly by lying in a fetal-ish position on your side. Your partner kneels behind you, and you lift your top leg if you want them to go even deeper. If you want both partners to hold the vibrator (which can be really hot), you should try it while spooning. Controlling the vibrator together is even hotter when you have that full-body contact. That being said, you can use a vibrator in pretty much any position. (Maybe not ultra-close missionary.) You be the judge of your partner’s dexterity and ability to multi-task and plan accordingly.

If you’ve tried a million vibrators and it’s just not for you, that’s totally fine. But if you’ve held off so far because you’ve been scared into thinking you’re “replacing a man” or you think that all vibrators are basically hot-pink cement mixers, I beg you to get back in the game. The vibrator industry exists to help you get off. Treat finding your signature vibrator with the same energy you gave finding a signature scent, and get to work.

Images: Giphy (4)

Back in the day, “Sorry Not Sorry” wasn’t just the shockingly catchy hit by someone who manages to remain the least interesting ex-Disney star even while releasing a documentary about her cocaine addiction Demi Lovato—it was also the title of a ~*very political*~ Pantene ad that encouraged women across the world to spend less time apologizing and more time buying shampoo. While I won’t get into the ad itself, or the thousand and one think pieces that followed, people generally agreed on a few things: 1) Women say sorry a LOT and 2) Men are less likely to have this issue (though there is the occasional caveat for British men).

While I’m never going to stop using the word “sorry” in work emails, because it’s usually about my lateness that is my personal choice, I do find myself apologizing (or worse, genuinely feeling sorry) more often than I’m happy about in one, less-clothed area of my life: while hooking up. I’m not sure where the intense pressure for women to be constantly primed for and expertly skilled at sex comes from—porn, plot structures depicting women as prizes for leading men, and this article entitled “The Troubling Reality of Sex Robots” all come to mind—but it definitely affects how we act and feel in an already vulnerable situation. So, while we’ve already covered what you shouldn’t do in bed, consider this your official Betch hall pass to stop apologizing for the following very reasonable things:

1. Not Wanting Sex

As a general rule, there is no scenario in which you are obligated to allow someone to put their dick into you. None. Zero. I don’t care if he drove four hours through a blizzard to see you or solved your parents’ murder—sex is not a debt you incur simply by being in the presence of a man whose objective is sex, and who has exerted a certain amount of effort in your direction. Bake him some cookies, write him a check—just please drown any apologetic feelings about “not providing sex when he’s there and wants it.” If he doesn’t care whether you want sex in the first place, he’s certainly not going to care about what you want during—and sorry not sorry, that’s a dealbreaker for sure.

2. Wanting Sex “Too Often”

On the flip side, if you find yourself sexting 8 times a day but your fuckboy du jour is (unapologetically) rarely in the mood, you shouldn’t apologize either. You also cannot demand that he have sex just because you want it (see section one), but you’re not committing an offense by being a walking version of that purple devil emoji. Apologizing for wanting sex more often than a guy perpetuates the idea that, by making your horniness known, you’ve now presented a guy with a challenge he has to feel bad about not completing. But your impending orgasms are more than a Rubik’s cube for the nearest dick-owning individual, so please feel free to continue getting off as often as you want.

3. Needing More Foreplay

Personally, I’ve more than once experienced a slight panic when a guy’s, uh, “readiness” for sex attempts to bust through his jeans and directly into my spleen is made apparent to me and I’m still thinking about the Cheeto I was holding when we started making out. It’s like that moment at the end of a college lecture when you realize that everyone else has evaporated from their seats, and you have 30 seconds to gather up your Starbucks cups and get out of there before being trampled. It makes you feel awkward and high-maintenance for taking the time to get yourself in order, even though it’s a perfectly reasonable thing to do. If a guy is not committed to you being 100% turned on and into it when you have sex, again, see section one and cut him loose. He doesn’t care if you enjoy sex, so it’s fairly certain you won’t.

4. Trying New Things

Similarly, maybe you’ve been there for 45 minutes and his hand is cramping, but you’re still not exactly a Slip ‘N Slide. At this point, it is strongly recommended for both your sakes that you either assist him or encourage him to switch it up. This is not an attack on his abilities if the timed routine he had for his ex doesn’t work exactly the same way on you. Our sex drives and body parts are confusing, and we’re not doing anything we need to apologize for if there’s no reaction to a certain move—if we could vindictively instruct our bodies like that, I think we’d start by shutting down the whole monthly river of blood situation, not by trying to decimate your sex egos. “Sorry, can we try something else” implies that you getting off is an inconvenience you’re having accommodated, rather than a prospect you’re mutually excited about. Think about phrasing your requests to try new things the same way a guy asks if he can cum on your face: with very plain language, and no caveat other than “it’s hot”.

Ultimately, the key point to keep in mind here is that sex is a team sport in which “winning” is mutual sexual satisfaction. Don’t sleep with guys who don’t understand that, and don’t apologize for doing things that prevent you both from being the sex equivalent of the US men’s soccer team. (Losing. I am talking about losing.)