7 Super Bowl Commercials That Would Never Fly Today

Apparently, the Super Bowl is something people still care about. This comes as a shock to me for many reasons, mainly that the NFL has been a literal magnet for controversy this past year, whether it be about the kneeling issue or the concussions issue.  (Which, seems to be no issue for halftime performers Maroon 5). But also, on a less important level, football is just so boring. Think of all the Netflix you could be watching, or crushes’ Instagram stories you could be refreshing.

Regardless of personal opinion, the Super Bowl is very much happening this Sunday, and with that, so are its infamous commercials.One of (if not the) prime times for advertises to promote their products, slots during the game cost roughly around five million. They’re usually trying to be funny — and some of them succeed, mainly when Tiffany Haddish is involved — but some them are not only unfunny, but also offensive. Let’s take a look back at some that aired in the past that… would hopefully never pass a pitch meeting now.

Carl’s Jr. Sexist Burger Commercial (2015)

I feel like we can all imagine the people around the conference room table who thought this was a good idea. Without a doubt, four of them were named Brad. In efforts to promote ‘all natural” beef (wtf is the rest of beef? Oh yeah, chemicals) they have a woman… you guessed it, eating a burger almost-naked while being ogled by men that look like they think going to an Irish Bar in Times Square counts as a “night on the town.” Of course while doing this she is erotically describing the burger — she’s only human! Wait JK, women aren’t human in this world.

GM’s Suicidal Robot Commercial (2007)

Not a joke, General Motors truly thought it would be a good idea to put a commercial out that starred a robot who commits suicide after losing its job. Unclear how this seemed okay to air at anytime, but this would 100% not fly today. Not only does this poke fun at suicide, it also laughs off the stress and mental issues that come with someone losing their job which — read a news article, is happening at an alarming rate.

Homophobic Snickers Commercial (2007)

Because after two men kiss, they have to immediately either prove their masculinity, or drink motor oil. Or in this case, both. Not only is this commercial homophobic, it’s just plain dumb. Besides, who the hell splits a Snickers? Also, hate to burst ya’lls bubble but: Snickers are pretty phallic, so I guess any hetero guy who’s afraid of their sexuality, maybe just eat some kale. Let’s see how that works for you.

Pro-Life Commercial (2010)

Remember when you had to deal with people randomly stopping what they were doing to ‘Tebow’? No wonder we’re the species that caused climate change. This advertisement for ‘Focus on the Family’ seems to just be like the most boring confessional in a reality show, but it faced immediate backlash for it’s seemingly pro-life message. Which, checks out, because it’s for a Christian conservative organization that promotes things like abstinence-only sex education and is against all things LGBTQ+. K.

Holiday Inn’s Transgender Commercial (1999)

Maybe Y2K should have taken us all out after all, if this is what people were truly thinking of in ‘99. A commercial comparing a woman and her elective surgeries to a piece of property is awful as it is, so let’s just thrown in some transphobia to be the cherry on top of the pile of shit that we are. Seriously, f this. Bob Johnson does look great though.

SalesGenie.Com Racist Commercial (2008)

Because nothing is funny than stereotypes, right? Wrong. This commercial aired in 2008 at the 42nd Super Bowl and was immediately hit with backlash for its racial insensitivity and also just being really f*cking stupid.

Deforestation Commercial For GroupOn (2011)

Pro tip: never start a sentence with “but not all deforestation is bad…,” because guess what? It is all bad. This commercial completely missed the mark in terms of what metaphors should and shouldn’t be used when talking about Brazilian waxes. Still love your dress made up of safety pins though, Elizabeth Hurley.

The Top 5 NFL Fans To Avoid At All Costs

We’re just about halfway through the National Football League’s regular season, which means that a pretty significant number of males aren’t even worth interacting with at the moment. I’m not a statistician, or even really someone who knows a lot about sports. However, I am a human being who spends time on social media and in public places that simultaneously serve alcohol and play football games on giant TV screens. So I do know a thing or two about which NFL fans are unbearable.

Whether you’re swiping through a sea of dating app profiles that seem to be filled with tailgating photos, debating whether to get the guy you’re seeing to DTR, or are simply trying to decide if you should go to that work happy hour at a sports bar later, it’s probably worth knowing which NFL fans to avoid at all costs. If the guy you’re interested in is a fan of one of these teams, it’s a red flag. He’s going to be annoying for the next eight weeks (or longer if they make it to the playoffs).

It’s kind of like how I would advise anyone not to date you when you’re doing Whole30, going through a phase where you really love vintage dresses, or when you’re thinking about getting bangs. It’s all you would talk about, and you would sabotage the relationship before it even had a chance to begin. There are just certain times in life where people are too annoying to date. For fans of these teams, that time is now.

5. The Green Bay Packers

If a dude is a Green Bay Packers fan, there is an extremely likely chance that he has spent at least $30 on an enormous piece of foam shaped like cheese. With a hole in it, of course, to stick his f*cking head in and wear as a hat. Do I even need to go any further? This is the definition of a red flag. Stay away.

4. The New York Jets and the New York Giants

Issa tie! Whether he’s a Jets fan or a Giants fan, it’s going to be extremely annoying for you to constantly hear about why he has chosen a lifelong dedication to either team. It doesn’t matter if he claims to be a purist, and roots for the Giants because they’ve been around longer. Or if he’s a fan of the Jets because he enjoys losing his grandfather brought him to all of the games as a kid. Either way, if he has a reason to word vomit about how much he hates a football team from the same city that shares the same stadium (in another state, no less), it’s a can of worms you don’t want to ever open. There is no “right” answer, and that’s that.

3. The Dallas Cowboys

The Dallas Cowboys have not won a Super Bowl in 22 years, yet they’ve been the most valuable sports team in the WORLD for the past three years, according to Forbes. Like, they’re more profitable than any soccer team, and the rest of the world is totally obsessed with soccer. I mean, it’s just simple math. If you’re falling for a Cowboys fan, you’re falling for a dude who throws a sh*t ton of money at a team that has not won a Super Bowl since he still had baby teeth. What other trash decisions is he capable of making? These are the questions you must ask yourself while you try to decide if he’s worth double texting.

2. The Philadelphia Eagles

Everyone knows that every year, fans of the team that has most recently won a Super Bowl are on a 365-day tear to remind everyone that they’re Super Bowl champs. Therefore, they should be avoided at all costs during that reign of terror. Even if Eagles fans weren’t still reeling from the Super Bowl LII win, they’d still be pretty annoying. Like… congrats on your discounted hoagie or coffee that you’ve received as part of whatever promotion Wawa is hosting following a win? Can we talk about literally anything else? Perhaps their only saving grace is that they beat the team that carries the most annoying fanbase on its back. Which brings me to…

1. The New England Patriots

Good GOD. There is nothing worse than a New England fan. Before you maniacs find me and try to tell me about how Boston is the “city of Champions” for literally every sport (even though you’re from what? New Hampshire? Maine? Do you even have WiFi up there?), I’d like to disclose that I am from New England, and would like to be removed from this narrative. A guy who is a New England fan is immediately undateable by default. Simply because he thinks that rooting for a team that wins everything is some kind of personal achievement. Do you guys realize that “New England” technically includes six separate states? The odds of you living in an area in which you are basically forced to root for this team are pretty solid. While I’m at it, I’d like to mention that drinking Bud Light, following Barstool on Instagram, and worshipping Gronk are not legitimate personality traits. If the guy you’re into is a Pats fan, it is a major red flag. And you need to get out of there as fast as you can.

Images: Giphy (3)

We’ve Officially Found The Dumbest Response To The Nike Controversy

Unless you’ve been hiding under a rock you’ve probably heard about the backlash Nike has received over choosing former pro Quarterback turned political activist Colin Kaepernick as the face of their “Just Do It” campaign. Since then people have been burning their Nike shoes and cutting the famous swosh off of their socks. (Why not just like…buy new socks instead? Who wants to wear socks with the brand cut off?) The mayor of Kenner, Louisiana decided to go one step further and released a memorandum banning Nike in his town.

WTF Is This memo?

Kenner’s Mayor Zahn sent a memo to Leslie Knope The Department of Parks and Recreation stating, “Under no circumstances will any Nike product or any product with the Nike logo be purchased for use or delivery at any City of Kenner Recreation Facility.” This memo was never meant for the public to see (pro tip: every memo is a public memo now that the internet exists) but it was made public just days after its September 5th release. Cue a bunch of angry towns people, but minus the pitch forks and sub in some New Orleans Saints players repping Nike to support the town. Mayor Zahn claims that he did it to ensure that the taxpayer dollars weren’t going to be supporting a politically charged campaign, so that their money can be neutral. Nice try at a coverup, bro. Sadly for Mayor Zahn, the town cannot stop people from wearing their own Nike apparel in public, talk about freedom!

Why Are People Pissed?

In case you look forward to Sunday’s for Kardashian episodes and not football, Kaepernick is now known for taking a knee during the National Anthem at a preseason game while on the 49ers. That is how the whole debate over whether or not it is unpatriotic to protest during the National Anthem by peacefully taking a knee got started. The Mayor of Kenner has spoken out against the movement (he literally goes to football games and yells “IN KENNER WE STAND FOR THE ANTHEM!”) so no one is surprised that he was upset with Nike’s Kaepernick campaign. That Mayor Kenner clearly has no f*cking chill.

Why Are Players Taking A Knee?

The trend of kneeling in protest during the National Anthem started, but most certainly has not ended, with Kaeperknick. The act is meant to call attention to the rapid rate at which young black men are being killed at the hands of police forces in America. Now the issue has been turned into a b*tch slap in the face to the armed forces and America as a whole, despite the fact that the protest has literally nothing to do with the armed forces at all. While Kaeperknick may have landed the Nike campaign, he first had to give up his football career to stand by his beliefs. He refused to stand and the NFL ultimately black listed him, giving us some serious Rosa Parks vibes. The debate over this act has bubbled into elections and Texas’s Democratic Senate Candidate, Beto (pronounced “bae-to”)O’Rourke has the best answer to this divisive topic. Watch out Lyin’ Cruz!

Either way, Nike has made cash money since the campaign released even if stocks have taken a hit. As far as Kenner is concerned members of the City Council are looking to reverse the memo and chances are it won’t last long.

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3 Times Sports And Weddings Should Never Mix

Now that the Super Bowl is officially over and we’re done pretending to care about it (shout out to Kylie Jenner and Stormi for stealing everyone’s thunder… bad weather pun 100% intended), let’s talk some shit about insane sports fans. Namely, guys who feel the need to have a sports wedding, or just fit sports into their wedding somehow. I might just still be salty over the fact that although I chugged mixed drinks and housed buffalo chicken dip as silently as possible while the ball was in play, the dudes in the room were incapable of keeping their mouths shut while Justin Timberlake was performing. Maybe I’m just feeling triggered by the idea of Lady Doritos. IDK. Whatever it is, guys who are such obsessive sports fans that they need to incorporate it into their wedding need to chill TF out.

You hear it all of the time. Brides-to-be are like, “I’m spending all of everyone’s money on pink sparkly shit and mason jars, so it’s only fair that I let him wear a jersey in our engagement shoot!” Um… hold on there. There’s a serious difference between making a couple of compromises while planning your wedding and turning the whole thing into a shrine to your fiancé’s fragile masculinity. If you want to make him feel involved throughout the process, let him pick the signature cocktail or give the groomsmen some quirky socks or some shit. Your wedding is not the time or place to remind everyone that he has an unhealthy obsession with a team of dudes he’s never even met. Here are a few sports wedding things you need to be aware of so you’re prepared to shoot them down before they ever come to fruition.

Wearing Jerseys, Period

Do you think Gisele let Tom Brady wear his jersey during any event related to their wedding? Nope. No chance. He probably has no desire to wear it anytime besides when he’s literally playing football. Considering it’d be pretty cringeworthy if Tom wore a jersey in a save the date photoshoot, imagine how stupid it’s going to look when a regular guy does it. Grown men wearing sports jerseys in any way, shape or form really just scream, “I could have gone pro if I didn’t have that pesky knee injury sophomore year of high school!”

 

Such a unique save-the-date idea! ???? Link in bio for everything you need to know about save-the-dates. {Photo: @einphotography}

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Jokes About Loving You “Even When It’s Football Season”

I get that humor is totally subjective or whatever, but this is never funny. If the person you’re about to sign up to spend the rest of your life with thinks that it’s funny to joke about not being able to love you while he’s cramming Tostitos scoops into his mouth and yelling at a TV screen, that’s a red flag. You’re still able to keep track of whose Instagrams he’s liking while you’re watching The Bachelor, so any sports-excuses he’s making are totally invalid.

 

Love & football ???? Who else is excited for the big game this Sunday?! {Photo: @bjonesphotos}

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Proposing To You At A Game

Why do I even have to explain why this is the worst idea of all time? Do you really want to remember your proposal as an event surrounded by hundreds of drunk, sweaty, screaming strangers? Do you even want to risk having a Bud Light can in the background of any photos? Probably not. Best case scenario, you’ll provide the content for a random onlooker to get a viral tweet. Congratulations. Obviously, you don’t have full control over when you’re going to get proposed to, but try to drop hints like “I’ll fucking kill you if you propose to me at a game” as frequently as possible.

 

OMG A MAN JUST PROPOSED!!! pic.twitter.com/6cyMnifgh5

— max (@MaxOnTwitter) February 5, 2018

The Best Super Bowl Commercials You Missed While You Were In The Bathroom

Congratulations! If you’re reading this, it means you made it through another Super Bowl Sunday, the one day of the year when it’s basically a requirement that you sit down and watch sports. Even though your mind was probably on Kylie Jenner having her baby, you still had to like, be in the room while football was happening. But everyone really only watches the Super Bowl for three things: delicious junk food, the half time show, and the commercials. We can’t physically send you food through your computer screen, and we’re kind of sick of talking about Justin Timberlake, but let’s talk shit about commercials.

This year, a 30-second ad during the Super Bowl cost about $5 million, so all these companies better fucking hope they didn’t waste their coins on a lame commercial. Really, there are probably like six ad teams around the country just waiting to be fired today once their boss sees that their commercial flopped. We’re looking at you, Dodge commercial that tried to use a Martin Luther King speech to sell trucks. Come on guys, not a good look. So while you were busy shoving your face with seven-layer dip and escaping to the bathroom with your girlfriends, we came up with our ranking of the best Super Bowl commercials this year. And yeah, we probably missed some, it’s really not that serious.

 

10. Michelob Ultra

Chris Pratt is funny and adorable and also very hot when shirtless, and he brings a lot to the table in this commercial. We’re not sure who actually drinks Michelob Ultra, but nevertheless Chris is very excited about it.

9. Squarespace

I can barely get the wifi in my apartment to work, so I’m a little pissed that Keanu Reeves is apparently able to seamlessly build a website in the middle of the desert, but otherwise this is amazing. Am I like, turned on by Keanu Reeves?

8. Tide

While teenagers are busy eating Tide pods, the actual people who work there were hard at work making this epic commercial. Stranger Things star David Harbour makes the case that every ad is a Tide ad, and we kind of almost believe him by the end. It’s a Tide ad.

7. Winter Olympics

 

While we’re a little disappointed that we haven’t moved past the un-ironic use of “Girl on Fire,” we fucking love the Olympics. This series of ads highlights some of the top Team USA athletes, so you’ll know who to pay attention to.

6. Jack in the Box

I’ve never eaten at Jack in the Box, but when someone says the words “Martha Stewart feud” I usually appear within 10 seconds. Martha and Jack have some serious beef (or chicken, I guess) over their new sandwich, and when she takes off her earrings, you know it’s serious.

5. NFL

Was being in this commercial the Giants’ punishment for having one of the worst seasons ever? That’s unclear, and it’s also unclear why the NFL needs a commercial while 100 million people are *currently* watching an NFL game, but we’re here for the dancing.

4. Groupon

Tiffany Haddish is a national treasure and she must be protected at all costs. Tiffany dismisses the haters that say using Groupon makes her cheap, because who has time for that kind of negativity? We need to go to a spa with her ASAP.

3. Pepsi

 

Pepsi flawlessly rebounds from last year’s Kendall Jenner fiasco with a nod to its historic commercials throughout the years. We see Cindy Crawford, Michael Jackson, and our lord and savior Britney Spears, and it’s all narrated by Jimmy Fallon. Four for you Pepsi, you go Pepsi.

2. Amazon Alexa

If Amazon is going to take over the world, please let it be like this. In this ad, Alexa loses her voice and is replaced by a bunch of celebrities, including Cardi B and Rebel Wilson. Fuck country music, you’re listening to “Bodak Yellow” tonight.

1. Doritos & Mountain Dew

Add this to the list of things we never knew we needed. Morgan Freeman and Peter Dinklage engage in a rap battle and we are literally screaming the whole time. If you spent all of ninth grade trying to memorize the Busta Rhymes verse in “Look At Me Now,” prepare to be jealous because Peter Dinklage still knows the whole thing. Brb watching this on repeat for the next seven hours.

The Super Bowl Party Foods To Avoid At All Costs & What You Should Eat Instead

As Americans who proudly DGAF about sports but still want to partake in a national tradition we’ll never understand, we really have no other choice than to eat an endless amount of calories during the Super Bowl. Super Bowl parties are known to include every American high-fat culinary embarrassment from mac and cheese to spicy wings, and unless you intend on getting through the game by drinking a room-temp Corona Light and pretending to understand what’s going on, you’ll be eating. Making healthy choices during the Super Bowl is almost impossible, but if you’re looking to host or attend a Super Bowl party without eating a month’s worth of calories in one day, here are the foods to avoid and some healthier alternatives to consider:

 

1. Fully Loaded Nachos

Super bowl nachos are basically a death sentence, but they’re also tragically amazing. Like, whoever invented these was definitely stoned and had definitely been working too many hours at Taco Bell. If  you really insist on having some, try grabbing from the corners of the bowl, where the chips aren’t completely drenched in cheese and sour cream. If you’re hosting your own party, bake your own zucchini chips or kale chips and season the shit out of them. They’re obviously not hardcore nachos, but they’re way less calories and still taste good, so don’t knock it.

 

2. Buffalo Wings

Apparently Americans eat 1.33 billion chicken wings during the Super Bowl every year, and they all regret it the next morning. Wings are always a bad call if you’re trying to stay somewhat healthy. Don’t try to convince yourself that you need protein, because it just doesn’t count. If you’re making your own, try a basic recipe with no added sugars, using just tomato sauce, garlic, onion, honey, apple cider vinegar, paprika, and salt and pepper. Always bake instead of fry. If you’re eating them out of a red KFC bucket, they’re probably a lot worse for you than you’d think. Put down the wings. 

3. Pigs In A Blanket

Okay, YUM. If you didn’t spend your adolescent years heating up frozen pigs in a blanket and french fries after school, I’m so sorry for you. These are addictive, but honestly unless you have the self control of a Victoria’s Secret model, don’t get started with these. You’d think they’re so small and harmless, but eating only four of these equates to over 20 grams of fat, so be careful. You tell yourself you’ll only have a few, and then suddenly you’re Guy Fieri going ham at a random diner in the midwest. If you need something to snack on while refreshing Instagram watching the game, I’d stick with pita chips and hummus as a safer option.

 

4. Queso Dip

We already spoke about cheesy nachos, but let’s take a moment to discuss queso, the dip that is essentially glorified melted cheese. With some butter and milk. Maybe a sprinkle of garlic and cayenne pepper, but we all know the cheese is the real star here. This dip is a heart attack in a bowl, and honestly it’s really not worth the calories if you’re *basically* sober at 5pm on a Sunday. If there’s guac around, go for that instead, and if you’re making your own dip, find a spinach artichoke dip recipe made with Greek yogurt and light mayo. It’s a fraction of the calories, it’s delish, and if it means avoiding 400 grams of fat, we’re here for it. 

5. Chili

Chili is made in different ways so we can’t say all of them are horrible for you, but usually, if you’re consuming a dish made from ground beef, beer, and sour cream, we’re gonna suggest you stay away. Chili is also one of those dishes where no one really has any perception of a serving size, so you just end up eating it like you’re a bottomless pit who just finished a Yom Kippur fast. Instead, go for the salmon burger, the grilled chicken, or even the meatballs would be a better option. At least in that case you can count how many you’ve had.

6. Soda

We’ve already accepted the fact that you’ll be blackout by the halftime show, so let’s disregard alcohol calories for a second. If you’re mixing your drinks with soda, or even worse, just sipping on a Regular Sprite because you’re not in the mood for water, put the cup down. You’re eating enough calories at this party to feed a small village. You really don’t need to drink your (non-alcoholic) calories, too. Keep your alcohol choices simple and avoid all regular sodas and sugary syrups. If you’re making a mixed drink, stick with zero-calorie options like La Croix or Diet Coke instead. Straight vodka works too. It’s a long game.

 

Images: Niklas Rhose / Unsplash. Giphy. 

The Head Pro’s Guide To The Super Bowl

Oh, ladies. LADIES. Yes, it’s once again that time of year, a time for some of our nation’s absolute dumbest men to preen, posture, and smash head-first into one another while accomplashing precisely dick. No, I’m not talking about our shit-ass Congress, I’m talking about the NFL’s championship game, the Super Bowl. This coming Sunday, millions of Americans will angrily realize that they forgot to come up with a reason to take Monday off gather in unity to watch two teams backed by the most absolutely wretched and disgusting fanbases compete to raise the (checks Google) Lombardi Trophy. If you’re old enough to read this very adult-oriented site yet have somehow never managed to have even a passing interest in one of the biggest television events of every year, read on for what you’ll need to know.

Why Should You Care?

Honestly? You probably shouldn’t. Aside from this year featuring the most dreadful, least-interesting two teams possible (more on that later), the NFL itself is a shitty, morally bankrupt institution. The owners work tirelessly to funnel more and more revenue out of the players’ hands and into their own, despite the people on the field having a career expectancy of roughly two weeks before they wash out with few (if any) career prospects outside of football. The league’s commissioner, Roger Goodell, stands to “earn” an average of $40 million per year for the next five years, despite handling every single rule, ethical, legal, and contract violation with the grace of a newborn giraffe. Worst of all, the league has known FOR YEARS that the sport itself all but guarantees crippling, life-ruining brain injury for practically every player, and not only did they a) try to cover it up, but they’ve b) done NOTHING substantive to address it now that they can no longer hide the truth. There’s nothing redeeming about the NFL, the quality of play has sucked as of late, and that’s only going to get worse as parents guide their kids into other sports rather than risk having their brains turned into Tapioca pudding.

But on the other hand, everyone keeps watching. That’s doubly true of the Super Bowl. I know I’ll probably end up watching at least some of it, even though I keep telling myself I won’t. Shunning the Super Bowl won’t accomplish much beyond feeding into your own sense of superiority, and all your friends will probably be watching too. If you can cast aside all of the bad shit (and millions of people do, every week), it’s a nice distraction from the other, WORSE shit going on in the world. Plus, sometimes, sports can be so exciting and compelling that they transcend fandom:

The Teams

Oh god, ok. Let’s just get this out of the way.

The New England Patriots

Yes, the fucking Patriots are in the Super Bowl, AGAIN. As a sports fan, I really can appreiate living alongside such an impressive dynasty—I grew up a Chicago Bulls fan in the 90s, after all, and I had no problems throwing their unheard-of double-three-peats in everyone’s face. But the Patriots have been so good for so long that at this point, everyone other than hardcore Patriots fans just wants them to fuck off and die already so someone else can have a turn. But the only chance of that happening this year depended on the Jacksonville Fucking Jaguars, so here we are. Their quarterback, as you probably know, is still Tom “Handsome Tom” Brady. He’s still very, very good when he needs to be, and will be starting his 6th (!!) Super Bowl this Sunday. Bill Belichick is still their evil-genius coach, and fans in the future will never be able to separate Brady’s greatness from Belichick’s. As usual, Tom has Rob Gronkowski, a rotating cast of nameless running backs, and several short white guys at his disposal. It shouldn’t work, but Brady and Belichick make it work, somehow. They play the most slogging, frustrating, irritating brand of football on the planet, slowly but inevitably andvancing the ball up the field with countless 6-yard out-passes from Brady to one of his short white guys. It’s infuriating. They’re going to win by 40 points.

Some Guys To Know: Tom Brady, Rob Gronkowski, Rex Burkhead, Danny Amendola, Dion Lewis, Brandon Cooks

The Philadelphia Eagles

If the Patriots have the worst fans in football (and they do), Philadelphia isn’t far behind. This is a snakebitten team that’s never won a Super Bowl, and faced heartbreak after heartbreak in the 2000s—and they will not fucking let you forget it. Everyone saw the mayhem that ensued after their game last Sunday, and that was a game they WON. Imagine if they shit the bed on the nation’s biggest stage, again (which they will). That city (or whatever’s left of it) will burn to the ground. Their terrible self-loathing is warranted due to their lack of success as a franchise, but that doesn’t excuse them booing Santa Clause and pelting him with snowballs or throwing fucking batteries at their own players.

If there’s one thing that guarantees the Eagles will lose on Sunday, it’s because they lost their starting quarter back, Carson Wentz, to a season-ending leg injury late in the regular season. Filling in for him is Nick Foles, a journeyman who turned in a very good season as their starter, then sucked ass and bounced around the league until he ended back up on the Eagles. He was still really shitty untill he all of a sudden wasn’t in the NFC championship, skeeting all over the vaunted Minnesota Vikings defense in a game pretty much everyone picked Philly to lose. Will he find the magic again to lead the Eagles to their first-ever Super Bowl? Not a fucking chance. Fairy tales aren’t real in the Brady/Belichick era.

Some Guys To Know: Nick Foles, Alshon Jefferey, Jay Ajayi, LaGarette Blount, Nelson Agholor, Zach Ertz

The Commercials

Yeah, there are gonna be some long, crazy-expensive, ostensibly funny commercials airing during the game. These are why the game will be four goddamn hours long, and they’ll also be released on YouTube the week before if you can’t wait until then to get your #branding fix. I don’t know why you would do this, but I guess they have to justify that ad spend somehow.

The Parties

Ok, first of all: You’ve probably made arrangements already, but if you can help it, do NOT throw your own Super Bowl party. I used to do this, because I have a big TV and I’m a fucking idiot. It’s not worth it. Because everyone’s a dipshit foodie now, you’ll spend hours splattering your kitchen in salmonella and getting cayenne pepper under your nails for your “famous” dry-rub wings. Only about half the people you invite will come, and this will simultaneously be a) not enough people to put a dent in the six kinds of dips and entire rack of ribs you set out, and b) still more people than you have seating for. I swear, people TRIPLE in size as soon as they sit down on a couch. Oh, and no one actually Bs their O B despite clear instructions, but no one wants to get off their ass to get more, either. Let someone else be the sucker this year.

When you go to someone else’s Super Bowl party, it’s like any other house party except the TV will be on something you don’t want to watch, there won’t be any music playing, and no one will be drinking enough because they have work the next day. Depending on the host’s request, I suggest bringing whatever it is you want to drink, along with a 12-pack of cheap beer for everyone else. This is a communal event, and the beer will disappear despite no one getting especially wasted. If you’re asked to bring a dish, first of all get better friends, but go with something easy that travels well: chips, some kind of dip, even a tray of mac ‘n cheese if you’re feeling sporty. Whatever it is, the most crucial thing is that it comes in a disposable container. You are never going back for that Croc Pot, no matter how many texts and emails you exchange with the host after the fact. Plus, they don’t want your leftovers. Best to leave them something they can dump down the trash chute.

I’m sure we’ll have a cute post about how to navigate a Super Bowl party without getting fat, and that’s fine. Otherwise, be a courteous guest and sample a little of everything, and politely have a beer or two if that’s what the hosts provided. You’ll be alright. I feel like I don’t otherwise need to explain how to have fun at a party. A strong move is hitting multiple parties, but you have to be strategic. Obviously this is more burdensome if you plan on bringing anything to one or the other. Plus, you have to time it right because you don’t want to miss…

The Halftime Show

This year’s performer is… Justin Timberlake? Christ, alright. You’re never gonna get someone cool like Cardi B or Kendrick Lamar or whever else you’re mad about not winning a Grammy, and it could be a lot worse. The last time JT performed at a Super Bowl was in 2004, and it was the scene of the infamous TITTYGATE that rocked the nation for a solid 12 hours. Like, we didn’t even really have HD back then, so chill the fuck out, grandma. It was one boob. But yeah, JT’s back, and he has a new album coming out this Friday which probably explains his appearance. There’s no word yet on who else might perform with them, though usually at least ONE guest performer is announced. But we do know he’s been alotted 13 minutes of performance time, which means he’s either going to do a medly of his past 16 or so years of hits (fine), or something godawful, like a Prince tribute. I mean don’t get me wrong Prince rules, but I don’t wanna hear JT squeaking his way through “Purple Rain.” Anyway, this will take place halfway through the game, or roughly 8:00. You’ll want to make sure you’re watching so you can see the “Beyoncé did it better” Twitter takes unfold in real time.

That should do it! Enjoy the game!

How To Watch Football When You DGAF About Sports

For girls who never had brothers got into sports, football season can be boring af difficult. Like, on the one hand you don’t want to miss out on important social events just because you don’t understand what’s going on. On the other hand, you’re a grown-ass woman and have no intention of learning about football ever. Like, if your one sporty friend, every man you’ve ever met, and Friday Night Lights couldn’t get you to give a fuck, then it’s not going to happen now. Watching football for a non-football fan is honestly like having an English major go to medical school. What do these lines mean? Who are these people, and why are they running? How do these points work? Is there a God, and if so, why didn’t he gift me with the mental capacity to understand a game that literally every dumbass in my life understands? These are just a few of the questions that are raised during your average football game. Speaking of which, how fucking long is a football game? Based on my research, they are a minimum of 20 hours long, with a potential to go longer. If you’ve ever been stuck watching football with a group of dudes you’re only semi-interested in boning, this video is for you:

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It might even trick a few non-readers football fans into thinking you’re one of them.