How To Watch Football When You DGAF About Sports

For girls who never had brothers got into sports, football season can be boring af difficult. Like, on the one hand you don’t want to miss out on important social events just because you don’t understand what’s going on. On the other hand, you’re a grown-ass woman and have no intention of learning about football ever. Like, if your one sporty friend, every man you’ve ever met, and Friday Night Lights couldn’t get you to give a fuck, then it’s not going to happen now. Watching football for a non-football fan is honestly like having an English major go to medical school. What do these lines mean? Who are these people, and why are they running? How do these points work? Is there a God, and if so, why didn’t he gift me with the mental capacity to understand a game that literally every dumbass in my life understands? These are just a few of the questions that are raised during your average football game. Speaking of which, how fucking long is a football game? Based on my research, they are a minimum of 20 hours long, with a potential to go longer. If you’ve ever been stuck watching football with a group of dudes you’re only semi-interested in boning, this video is for you:

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It might even trick a few non-readers football fans into thinking you’re one of them. 

How To Draft A Fantasy Football Team When You Know Nothing About Football

You’ve survived your summer blackout and are finally going to relax this fall, right? Wrong. Obviously the summer was just training you for the marathon season that is football. Whether or not you care about football is not the point. The point is football means getting day drunk, screaming at the TV, and good ratios when it comes to hot bros at the bar. Even better is guys will be wearing their team shirts, which means you can immediately learn enough about them to know if your parents will get along with his. If you truly want to lock in your fall social plans, you want to join a fantasy football league. Here’s how to make it through without looking like you’re just there for the wings.

Know Who’s Injured

You don’t need to know every single player there is, because much like the real world, you only need to know the top 10%. However, you should know who’s sitting out for the first few weeks because of an injury. This isn’t hard information to discover mostly because men are obsessed with the health of their players and Google exists. If only guys paid as much attention to us as they do when one of their starting players has a reported sprained ankle.  Avoid drafting injured players first, but if there’s an especially strong pick with rumored injury, you can prob put him on your bench if you want to take the risk.

Don’t Draft A Quarterback First

Honestly, we know you probably want to draft or kill Tom Brady, but the key to fantasy football isn’t usually in the quarterbacks. You def want to have a strong quarterback, but the points are going to come in the Running Backs and Wide Receivers, so don’t waste your first round on the only player in the NFL you know.

Tom Brady

The Draft Is An Open Book Test

Literally don’t worry about memorizing any stats, because the answers are all out there and you’re allowed to look them up. There’s plenty of lists on sports websites and blogs that will rank the players in the draft for fantasy for you. You can literally look at a list while the draft is happening and cross check to see if you’re making a smart decision. Ultimately it’s all going to come down to luck anyway, so as long as you have players that can run and catch, you’re going to do decent.

Pay Attention To Bye Weeks

You don’t need to memorize the entire schedule, but if there’s a bye week coming up, you want to make sure all your key players aren’t from the same team. Basically it just means that those teams are taking a break that week.

Don’t Draft Players All From The Same Team

Much like you wouldn’t want to date all of the guys in the same friend group, you also want to vary your options when it comes to football. Sure you might be a “diehard” Broncos fan, but fantasy football is about individual players’ performances, not an entire team. Hence why it’s called fantasy football and not real life football.

Duh

It’s Okay To Ask For Suggestions

But don’t necessarily trust everyone. Guys will automatically turn on their mansplaining mode to help you out if you act just a little dumb, but they might also have ulterior motives, considering they truly do not want to lose to you, a female. Therefore, you can solicit suggestions, but if too many men tell you not to draft one player, they probably just want to draft him for their team.