As I mention in my personal manifesto, and of course, every single article I write for this site, I believe that most men are cheating piles of trash just waiting for the chance to serenade their way into a new woman’s sparkly hotpants (looking at you, Jed). And today is the day I’ve been waiting for, because now I have the data to prove it. *cues evil laugh*. That’s right, the kind folks over at Ashley Madison, the world’s leading married dating website, have supplied me with a “Cheating Hotlist” which looks at last summer’s signup data, and then determined the top 20 most unfaithful cities in the USA. See, math can be fun!
Before we get to the goods, let me explain a little more. Ashley Madison created this list because, “Traditionally, we see our membership begin to swell as the warmer weather arrives and cuffing season is over.” They note, “It’s not unusual for people to be more uninhibited during the summer months since the energy feels more carefree and there are increased social opportunities that get people off their couch. The concept of a summer fling wasn’t created for no reason!” Cool. So to sum it up, in the summer, people like to get drunk and bang strangers while their spouses sit at home unaware. Got it. Now let’s take a look at the cities where people are the most “uninhibited,” or “carefree,” or any other euphemism we can come up for “f*cking around”.
Orlando, Florida, you saucy little minx! Who would have guessed it? Certainly not one single person that I posed this question to in my office. And believe me, these dudes know cheating. To be honest, I find the fact that Orlando is number one on the “Cheating Hotlist” to be disconcerting. Who even lives in Orlando other than people that work at Disney World? You are basically telling me that every single dude at your daughter’s birthday character breakfast just threw that suit on after an illicit rendezvous with his mistress at the local Holiday Inn. For shame, Mickey, for shame! (Also, please get that suit dry cleaned.)
I hope that you’ll notice that of the 20 cities in the “Cheating Hotlist,” FOUR of them are located in Florida. It’s Britney, Betch and I were just thinking we might have been too hard on Florida, and perhaps we should stop saying things like “It’s not a state, it’s just a cesspool filled with meth that has people floating around in it,” but now I know we spoke too soon. Florida, you’re back on my list, and you deserve all the publicity you get for those meme-able mugshots, bar fights with potatoes, residents kicking swans in the head, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc.
The people over at Ashley Madison also kindly pointed out that, “While certain states like Florida stood out…, the variety we see on this list shows that infidelity can happen anywhere. It’s not just happening in booming metropolitan areas, it’s happening in towns big and small involving all walks of life.” Funny, that was also the voiceover at the beginning of last week’s Dateline episode. But if we really look at the map, to me, the midwest looks pretty safe, right? I say that as a question because my geography skills are subpar and for all I know the middle of this country could be called Hogsmeade. Whatever it’s called, I’m moving there because it appears no one is living that Tiger Woods life. Sure, it could be because no one actually lives there, but I made peace with the fact that I’ll be dying alone in my apartment while my body is feasted on by my dogs long ago.
The other cities that made the list include Newark, NJ (shout out to my fellow Jersey peeps, I always knew you were garbage! I still love you though, you overly tanned sons of bitches), St. Louis, MO; Pittsburgh, PA; Freemont, CA; Atlanta, GA; Cincinnati, OH; Las Vegas, NV; Tampa, FL; Gilbert, AZ; Hialeah, FL; Cleveland, OH; Garland, TX; St. Petersburg, FL; Plano, TX; Seattle, WA; Boston, MA; Sacramento, CA; Anaheim, CA; and Arlington, TX.
At first I was shocked that NYC wasn’t on this list, but then it occurred to me that this is a city where 53-year-old men say things like, “I’m ready to settle down, but I can’t date someone my age because they’re not fertile anymore, and THAT’s why I go for younger girls, you know?”. You can’t really be a cheater if your deep-seated commitment issues and impossible standards kept you from ever getting married in the first place.
Now that we’ve arrived at the end of this article, I have a confession to make. I used this data to fit my own “men are trash” agenda, and have kept something to myself. According to the data that Ashley Madison collected they said, “It’s also not just men cheating—another Hollywood narrative we’ve been sold time and time again. Women are cheating just as much as their male counterparts and this is evidenced by our current global sign up ratio of 1 active paid male for every 1.11 active females.” So it turns out that we are all trash. We are, in fact, a dumpster full of trash, sitting in a Walmart parking lot, in Orlando, Florida. I hope you all enjoy your summers, now go forth and philander!
Images: Ashley Madison; Giphy (2)
If you’ve listened to Dirty John or Dr. Death, then you have an idea of what Wondery’s podcasts offer. They’re grisly, salacious looks into crimes you never knew existed, and honestly my morning commute has never been better. This week, Wondery dropped their newest podcast: Over My Dead Body. It tells the story of Dan and Wendi, “two good-looking attorneys” with “a bad breakup, a worse divorce, and a murder case involving a menagerie of high-priced lawyers and unexpected co-conspirators.” So basically, the details of how a power couple fell apart, plus a murder twist. That’s literally all of my favorite things.
So, what’s the crime being investigated here? If you’re the kind of person who hates having an appropriate amount of context spoilers, then I’d recommend you stop reading here.
Do I google the story @WonderyMedia did for #overmydeadbody podcast or keep guessing who’s responsible? I’ve changed my mind 5 times! #truecrime pic.twitter.com/wS6410j6sX
— Jamie- Uglee Truth Podcast (@theugleetruth) February 14, 2019
Still with me? Good. In 2014, Dan Markel (the husband) was found dead in his Tallahassee home: shot in the head. According to Refinery29, Wendi Adelson’s (the wife’s) family was “immediately suspected of hiring someone to complete the crime.” To be fair, if I had a bad divorce from someone I would want my family to at least OFFER to send a hitman. (JK! My family’s not rich enough to pull that off.) The podcast starts with the story of Dan and Wendy’s relationship (and subsequent divorce), then goes into the details of Dan’s death and the investigation that followed.
Given how the trial in this case concludes, the story becomes less about their relationship, and more about the dynamics of race and privilege involved in the trial. Despite the Adelson family being immediate suspects, and further connections being found between the family and the suspected hitman, no family members were ultimately charged with any crimes. Instead, only people of color were arrested in connection to the crime. Given that the Adelsons are a wealthy, white family, Over My Dead Body explores how the family’s privilege may have played a role in who was ultimately charged for this crime. I mean, yeah, if it’s between wealthy Floridians staging a hit on their ex-son-in-law and a random break-in, I am 100% going with the former. People from Florida are, as a rule, insane. In-laws are also generally insane. It just adds up.
I listened to the first episode this morning, and what struck me most (other than how f*cking addictive it was) was how easy it was to forget that the story led up to a murder. Episode one starts with Dan’s upbringing, then how he met Wendi, and what their wedding was like. They also interview friends who knew them as a couple. It tells you, from Dan’s perspective, about the divorce. And as much as I love hearing the gory details of a murder, I have to say I find autopsies of relationships equally interesting—and this one sounds like a real mess. Also, and this may just be because I’m a messy b*tch, I live for seeing any two people who are described as “the perfect couple” be torn down. Especially when they try really hard to convince people they are, in fact, a perfect couple.
If you binge the first few episodes of ‘Over My Dead Body’ (can’t blame you) and are hungry for more true crime content, here’s a list of other relationships with famously violent ends. Enjoy.
I mentioned ‘Dirty John’ earlier, but if you’re not lucky enough to have listened yet, then here’s what you’re missing. ‘Dirty John’ is the story of Debra Newell, a wealthy, middle-aged interior designer, and John Meehan, the criminal and con man who seduces her. In classic Wondery fashion, the story starts with the dynamics of the relationship: the intense emotions, the broken trust, what it looked like from the outside. But as tensions build, the focus shifts from how to spot and catch a con man—and more to how you survive him. (If you’re more of a visual learner, there’s now a Bravo series on this too.)
Lorena Bobbitt famously became known as the woman who cut off her husband’s penis. While this crime was thrown around as a zany joke for most of the ‘90s, details of the crime—and the relationship leading up to it—are far from funny. I’ll let you discover the rest on your own (preferably by watching Jordan Peele’s new Amazon series about it), but suffice it to say that women don’t typically go around cutting off genitalia without due cause.
On May 8, 2013, Jodi Arias was convicted of first-degree murder for the death of ex-boyfriend Travis Alexander. Alexander and Arias met in 2006, and began a long-distance relationship in 2007. Over their 18-month, off-and-on relationship, Arias moved twice to be closer to Alexander. Meanwhile, Alexander’s friends consistently disliked Arias and felt her behavior was “worrying.” Naturally, when these same friends found Alexander covered in stab wounds with a gunshot to the head, they pointed the police in Arias’ direction. Arias pled “not guilty” to initial charges, but claimed she committed the murder was self-defense two years later, and alleged that she was a victim of domestic violence. While the Jodi Arias story doesn’t have a TV show (so sad), there is a Lifetime movie that I am very excited to watch.
Basically, if you like hearing people talk sh*t about other peoples’ relationships along with your regular dose of true crime, any one of these stories will be right up your alley. Do yourself a favor and start Over My Dead Body today, then drop your number in the comments so I can text you all my insane theories as I come up with them. Thanks!
Images: Bravo; Instagram; Twitter; Instagram; Instagram
I will complain about almost anything hate to complain, but this “genocide celebration” three-day weekend has really thrown me off. Specifically, I’ve been convinced it’s Friday since Tuesday, and my mood has greatly suffered for it. On the bright side, the rest of America seems to be feeling cranky too. One Florida woman, for example, tried to take an emotional support squirrel on a plane this Tuesday. While this kind of story doesn’t exactly renew my faith in humanity, it definitely makes me feel better about acting like a crazy b*tch all week. There’s crazy, and then there’s emotional support squirrel-on-a-plane crazy. Here’s how the real-life drama of Snakes on a Plane a squirrel on a plane played out.
The woman (unnamed, but pictured here) was flying out of Florida, which makes perfect sense. Case closed, bring in the dancing lobsters. JK. She notified Frontier Airlines that she’d be bringing an emotional support animal when she booked her ticket. But of course, she failed to mention the species. Somehow, the presence of a squirrel in her purse didn’t become an issue until the plane was fully boarded. I have a TON of questions for Orlando TSA, because I can’t seem to get an extra half-ounce of makeup remover through security, let alone a f*cking SQUIRREL.
Unsurprisingly, passengers objected to the presence of a squirrel in their midst. I can’t speak to Florida squirrels, but the ones in NYC are bushy-tailed disease monsters, so I’m fully on the passengers’ side here. Frontier Airlines—who clarified that their emotional support policy covers cats or dogs, but not rodents—asked her to exit the plane. When she refused, police came and all passengers evacuated the plane, leading to this spectacular video.
— Brandon Nixon (@bnix4) October 10, 2018
Ultimately, this whole debacle delayed the flight by two hours, which would have been enough for me to murder that squirrel in front of her throw a small fit. According to one extreme pushover fellow passenger, “for the most part, people found it funny.” I mean, they’re right that it’s f*cking hilarious, but very big of them to see that in the moment.
I just feel like if you are able to wrangle an actual squirrel without getting rabies and THEN teach it how to provide emotional support, the airline should just let you take it on the plane.
— sarafcarter (@sarafcarter) October 11, 2018
In the past few years, we’ve seen an increasing number of “weird support animals kicked off planes” stories, including one ostrich and one pig. In comparison, an emotional support squirrel seems pretty tame. But it got me thinking that we haven’t even begun to scratch the surface of emotional support animals. So, without further ado, here’s a list of support animals I hope to see kicked off planes in years to come (y’know, assuming we still have a planet):
Support Pet Rock
Support Chia Pet
Support Bratz Doll
The point here? Uh, people are f*cking nuts and it’s really funny. Also, if you’re going to delay someone’s flight, at least have the decency to make it a good story.
Images: Bram Naus / Unsplash; bnix4, sarafcarter / Twitter
One of the good things about Instagram (or the bad, depending on how you look at it) is the advent of doing things for the ‘Gram. Like, it’s great when you’re taking a photo of your hot dog legs on a beach and showing off to your 400 Instagram followers, but it’s annoying when anyone else who isn’t you does the same exact thing. Well, too fucking bad for everyone else, because I’m here to give you your Instagram bucket list: Miami edition. Whether you’re at Art Basel this weekend, planning your spring break, or just going because you want to live out your Will Smith tour of the U.S. (just me?), these are the places you need to go to—for the ‘Gram, of course.
All your friends’ basic avocado toast Instas have nothing on Leynia, the Argentinian grill located inside South Beach’s famed Delano hotel. First off, the seating is outside (because, hello, you’re in Miami), so the natural lighting cannot be beat. In the background of your Instas may be the Delano’s pool, where the famous Proviseur chairs, originally from Le Jardin St. Payl in Paris, sit. Second, and most importantly, you will not find these brunch foods on any menu anywhere else. They have an El Tucamano egg Benedict that sits on top of a fucking empanada. The smoked salmon Benedict rests on a potato pancake. The French toast comes with a guava dulce de leche, and will make you a believer in sweet breakfast foods, if you’re not already (aka me before I had this French toast). If you manage to take any pictures before you shove all the food in your mouth because it looks amazing, and tastes even more amazing, your pictures will get triple-digit likes, guaranteed.
^No filter needed on this.
Beaker & Gray
For your brunch Instas that are bougie but in a more rustic, hipster, less in-your-face way, head to Beaker & Gray in Miami’s Wynwood neighborhood. Once again, this is not your run-of-the-mill eggs Benedicts that you’ve eaten at every place in NYC. To quote the great Stefon, “This place has everything”—from spicy chilaquiles with chicken that practically disintegrates in your mouth to a sweet and savory waffle panini with pork belly rillette and maple mustard to a guava skillet cookie. I had a croque madame—a slab of crunchy yet chewy sourdough spread with oxtail, smothered with gruyère and topped with an egg. If I didn’t know any better, aka study abroad in Paris, I’d have thought Beaker & Gray invented it—and it was leagues better than any croque I ate in France. Je ne suis pas désolée.
This is where you and your friends will want to take those not-not candid group photos. This cute little spot has floor-to-ceiling wallpaper in that chic palm leaf print you’re seeing literally everywhere, plus a giant neon sign that says, “I’m never gonna dance again, the way I danced with you…” that’s just begging to be posed underneath of. The DJ booth also has a retro-looking neon sign in the shape of lips, which is another solid option. And you won’t even want to bother the DJ in between snaps to ask him to play the new Taylor Swift (please don’t be that person), because the music is on point. They play a mix of ’80s and ’90s throwbacks and current hits, and you really can’t argue with it. If all that’s not enough for you, they have a gif photo booth inside the bar for your Boomerangs.
Employees Only Miami
Employees Only has an outpost in New York, but if you’ve never in your life managed to get a seat there because it’s always so packed (same), the Miami location has a more spacious interior, plus outdoor seating. It’s a speakeasy, so the drinks taste and look incredible. They serve dinner, if you’re not a rager, but if you are, there’s an insane late-night food menu. Ever had a craving for buttery bone marrow poppers at three in the morning? Me either, but you can make it happen at Employees Only Miami. (They’re actually known for their post-3am chicken noodle soup. Don’t know why, it just is.) Not to mention, it’s located on the Washington Park Hotel property, so after getting (responsibly) drunk off fancy af drinks, you can stumble back to your room, mere steps away.
Step into Byblos, with its eye-catching artwork that depicts ancient mediterranean scenes, accordion-style fabric-wrapped panels, plush turquoise and yellow couches, and gold and silver mirrored statement bar, and you’ll feel like you’ve landed somewhere in the Mediterranean. Settle in with an earthy cocktail like the Ottoman Cartel, a melange of Avion silver, spiced barberry reduction and carbonated beet juice, decorated with edible marigold flowers. Or try their cold tea service—tea infused with spirits and served for two or four in a luxurious ritual reminiscent of a classic eastern mediterranean tea ceremony. The most difficult part of eating at Byblos is going to be putting down your phone long enough to take a bite. The food tastes as gorgeous as it looks—the canoe-shaped Wagyu Lameh Pide houses vibrant Turkish paste made in-house, creamy fior di latté, garlic-y toum, and basil cress. The melt-in-your-mouth, Spanish octopus is perfectly prepared with biber chili vinaigrette and a hint of lemon. Also, Drake eats here. That is all.
BRAVA by Brad Kilgore
It’s hailed as the best restaurant in Miami, and for good reason. Helmed by celebrity chef Brad Kilgore and located inside the Ziff Ballet Opera House, this locale will provide some of your most enviable Instas. Unlike other spots, the lighting in BRAVA is perfectly suited for your iPhone camera—and so is the food. The heavenly, marigold-colored lobster risotto is adorned with some sort of classy gold flake that I’m still trying to explain to people. The black-and-white pecorino cheese-filled gnudi are topped with an airy foam. And the pastry-encrusted short beef Wellington is served with a peppercorn demi-glace that the server pours gently over it. This is where you’ll want to break out your fanciest outfit and spend all your money, because you’ll feel sophisticated af. Again, doing it for the ‘Gram.
The Salty Donut
Sweet and savory food lovers alike will moon over The Salty Donut’s confections. Flavors run the gamut from tangy and creamy Guava and Cheese to rich Nutella and back again. These pillowy, small-batch craft donuts pack tons of flavor, and they look just as gorgeous as they taste. This place sells out before closing every day, and you’ll see why if you take just one bite.
Set in the courtyard of South Beach’s historic Hall Hotel, this open-air space reminiscent of an outdoor tiki bar boasts larger-than-life table games like giant Jenga and oversized Connect Four. Food items like mini empanadas and bite-size ceviche can provide a different perspective to your pics; cocktails like Batida de Maracuja offer a unique twist on your favorite go-tos.
I saved the best for (second-to) last, because the Wynwood Walls are your number one Instagram destination. I would say that they were basically invented for IG, except that there’s a really rich artistic history behind them, and I’m not a total idiot. A short history is that Wynwood used to be an unsafe area artists eventually moved into because housing was affordable—think like every New York City neighborhood on the cusp of gentrification. Different city, same story. In 2009, real estate developer Tony Goldman bought up a lot of Wynwood and created a series of open-air art murals that are today called the Wynwood Walls. Graffiti and street artists are invited to paint a mural at the walls, and there are new murals every year. So now you have this whole neighborhood that’s got graffiti art everywhere—and I’m not talking like, your shitty bubble letter graffiti. This shit is the real deal. Get a tour with Wynwood Art Walk before you go see the walls, so you actually know what you’re looking at and aren’t just an annoying tourist. Then go out and be basic and have a full-on photoshoot in front of your favorite murals—you’ll come out with one-of-a-kind pictures…except for everyone else who took the same photos in front of the same walls.
Washington Park Hotel
Located within a five-minute walk to the beach, Washington Park Hotel is an Insta-worthy hotel that even non-influencers can afford. The exterior of each of the hotel’s four buildings are done in the retro art deco style that’s been preserved since the early 20th century. Inside, the chic retro rooms are decorated in an updated art deco style with modern photographs by artists and influencers including Jason Peterson, Ryan Parrilla, Stephen Vanasco and 13thWitness. The hotel bar, Swizzle, makes oversize tropical drinks adorned with local flora, and the frontside pool is an ideal location for lounging and snapping.