Is It Slutty To Tell My Coworker That I Think He’s Hot? Ask A Pro

When Head Pro calls you a “slut,” he’s doing so in a super progressive, feminist way to show his solidarity, and he’s honestly offended that you didn’t realize he was being an ally. Email him your pressing dating questions at [email protected], and follow him on Twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.

Hey Head Pro,

So a few years ago, I had a MAJOR work crush on this guy. I couldn’t get him out of my head. He would pop up, totally uninvited, in sex dreams, like all the time. The thing was that back then, I had a really serious boyfriend. Serious enough that I quit that job to move to be with him. Obviously, here we are, with me writing to you—it didn’t work out.

I’m moving back to my home city soon and thinking about hitting him up. Here’s the question: IF we got back in touch, and IF he was interested, and IF anything happened:

Bad move or okay move to admit to him that I couldn’t get him out of my head back in the day?

It’s honest, and my nature is to be honest. And I feel like it’s a good thing to hear that someone thought you were hot….maybe?? In this context, though, would it just make him think I’m an unserious and kind of slutty girl?

For what it’s worth, I feel really good saying me and him never crossed a line when we worked together. Separately, I also kind of feel like he reciprocated? And separately-separately, he might not even text me back so who tf knows if this question is worth any airtime at all! But I really hope he does, and I really hope it is.


Yours truly,
The horniest entry-level ex-coworker in town

Dear Horny Entry-Level Ex-Coworker,

Honestly this probably wouldn’t have been worthy of airtime, if not for 1) the little tidbit at the end mentioning that you used to work together, and 2) that it brings up a larger question: When, if ever, is it a good idea to tell a guy that you think he’s a sexy studmuffin?

The question itself isn’t that interesting (spoiler: you never need to do this), but your reasons for waffling on it are: you’re worried he might think you’re “unserious and slutty.” Shoving aside the ridiculous idea that any reasonable person would ever react to a compliment that way, this is a fine example of the deeply f*cked up way we think of women and courtship!

What is a slut, exactly, and what’s slutty? Is it a woman who’s had too many sexual partners? How many is too many? Does it matter whether or not she was dating them at the time they were humping? Is someone “slutty” when they flirt too much? When they dress too (in your opinion) provocatively? If so, ok—again, what about her are those actions/behaviors revealing? That she has too much sex? That she sleeps with other women’s partners?

You don’t know, and you can’t answer any of those questions in any way that would *extremely online debate nerd voice* hold up to even mild logic or scrutiny. It’s because sluts effectively aren’t real; the term is just a pejorative we use when a woman we don’t like behaves in a way that’s inconsistent with our values and/or worldview and we lack a more precise way to describe our displeasure. Think about it: Guys love easy sex, but plenty will tell you they don’t like sluts. How does that compute? It doesn’t, because sluts are only real in the sense that that’s how we refer to women who don’t act the way we think they ought to (in the case of most men, that means “having sex with anyone who’s not me”).

Thinking about it that way, your “unserious and slutty” descriptor becomes even funnier. Your real self-criticism is right there in “unserious”: Most of us have grown up in a world where the default circumstance is men making the overtures to women. Therefore, you hit upon the idea that a woman flipping the script and making the overture to the man is so odd, so unbelievable, that he would think it was a joke before he gave it serious consideration. BUT, because this is also a cultural and sexual norm you’d be breaking, you slapped the “slutty” label on there because it just felt right. We know, for you at least (and probably a lot of people), what defines a slut: a woman who’s sexually aggressive outside of established norms (even if that woman is you).

Realistically, these aren’t risks—guys really do tire of having to do all the heavy lifting, and an invitation to the Bone Zone Cafe from the cute office girl you used to flirt with would be a godsend. Instead what you have to contend with is the potential embarrassment if he for whatever reason rejects or brushes aside the compliment. I think I’m being scientifically accurate when I say that would be embarrassing enough to cause you to rend your skin from your flesh and throw it into a fireplace.

Don’t be an idiot. Did it take your ex-boyfriend saying he cranked his hog to you before you agreed to date him? Of course not. Just do some mild social media stalking to make sure he doesn’t have a girlfriend, and then message him on your platform of choice. A text that says “hey I’m back in town, let’s catch up :)” is about as clear as you need to be.

Moving twice in a short period of time sounds like hell,

Head Pro

When Head Pro calls you a “slut,” he’s doing so in a super progressive, feminist way to show his solidarity, and he’s honestly offended that you didn’t realize he was being an ally. Email him your pressing dating questions at [email protected], and follow him on Twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.

Images: Alex Holyoake on Unsplash, Giphy

All The Gross Ways Leo Tried To Gaslight Kendall On ‘Paradise’

I’ll be the first to admit it—anyone still watching Bachelor in Paradise and expecting to see anything but the contestants at their absolute worst is a fool. And most of the time, I’m fine with that. But Leo talking to Kendall on last night’s episode absolutely made my blood boil. I never understood why Becca kept him around as long as she did. And I understood even less when I started seeing the DMs Bekah was getting about him. As if it weren’t enough that Leo’s presence is breaking poor Grocery Joe’s heart, Leo now decided to go off on Kendall in the most f*ckboy-ish way I’ve seen since Dean. Leo: you’re not pretty enough to pull that off, and even Dean barely got away with it. Here are all the things Leo said to Kendall that should make you run far, far away.

“You’re A Really Good Actress”

So (spoilers, kind of), let’s remind ourselves why they’re even having this fight. Kendall found out that Leo kissed Chelsea, and is understandably taken aback. Not even really because of the kiss—Leo’s right, to an extent, that everyone’s talking to everyone—but because he went out of his way to keep it a secret from only her. Doing that takes away any credibility that you’re actually looking for a relationship. Kendall would obviously see that on TV when it aired. So, keeping it a secret proved that Leo just wanted to get a rose, not pursue a future with her. Color me shocked.

Moving on to the actual comment here—this is a classic move from a guy who’s done something shady and doesn’t want to deal with the consequences. Kendall isn’t even outright pissed—she literally just questions him about it. But he immediately turns it around as though she has something to prove in this conversation instead of him. He acts like she could never have liked him at all if she’s doubting him now, and tries to force her into the position of fighting for his affection. It’s a classic bully move: she expresses unhappiness with one action, and he holds their entire history and relationship hostage unless she drops it.

This is how sh*tty guys get out of ever changing anything or apologizing. They constantly force their partner into considering their concerns too minor to risk the relationship over. But the fact is, the relationship should never have been at stake—and they wouldn’t be putting it at stake if they really cared about it.

“You Really Tricked Me”

At this point, Leo has invented an entire drama where Kendall was only pretending to like him. Casual reminder that Kendall has said literally nothing to suggest this. Second casual reminder that they are having this conversation because LEO went for someone else. Just in case anyone else feels like they’re taking crazy pills. Anyway, Leo spins all this bullsh*t at Kendall just to divert attention from his own messed up behavior, and try to make it about his own hurt feelings. Not only that, but to make Kendall feel like crap in the process if at all possible.

By refusing to even address what she came to talk about, Leo is being so dismissive that it’s hard to believe he sees her as human. His only interest is in walking out with the upper hand—whether that’s by manipulating her into coming back to him, or trying to make her seem like a crazy b*tch and walking away. This. Guy. Is. Garbage.

“I Don’t Know How You’re Still Single”

This moment in his tirade disappointed me, because Kendall responded by saying “you’re making me feel wonderful.” Admittedly, in the context of “you’re also making me feel like crap,” but still. Kendall, do not let this backhanded swill make you feel wonderful!!! Also included in this section of Leo’s commentary were “I don’t know how Arie didn’t pick you” and “I don’t know how you haven’t found someone.” All of these “compliments” are just a way of reminding her, when she’s already vulnerable, that she is, in fact, still single. That Arie didn’t pick her—which I’m sure was painful. That she hasn’t found a guy, or been picked by a guy. All very real insecurities for anyone who’s single and unhappy about it, let alone someone who has gone on two TV shows to find a boyfriend.

By negging her in this way, Leo is trying to chip away at Kendall’s confidence. He’s trying to make her less secure in her value by reminding her of times when she hasn’t been chosen. And he’s doing all this while responding to her saying “why did you secretly kiss another girl” with “I guess this whole relationship was a lie” and acting like he’s over it already. He’s hoping if he dangles the threat of being alone hard enough, she’ll just say “never mind forget I said anything please just take me back!” Again, “I don’t know how you’re still single” is a terrible “compliment.” “I’m so glad I met you” is what good, normal guys say. Good guys respect you enough to treat your relationship status as a choice, and not imply that they’ve failed at something by not having a boyfriend.

I’m sure I could go on, but you get the idea. Never, ever let guys get away with invalidating your concerns, redirecting every issue back to their own feelings, threatening the relationship every time you try to have a conversation, or actively trying to make you feel insecure. I am more than ready to see Leo go home tonight—Kendall, please girl, dump that hairy man-child and make it as cruel as you can manage.

Images: Giphy (3)

3 Ways You’re Scaring Guys Off Without Realizing

The annoying thing about dating advice, generally speaking, is that it tends to be 100% based on other peoples’ opinions. And if you’ve ever engaged in polite conversation, you’ll know that most peoples’ opinions fucking suck. I’ve read countless times that showing up late and mentioning horoscopes is a guaranteed dealbreaker, but my Scorpio boyfriend (tragic, I know) was kind enough to overlook all that, and we’ve been thriving ever since. So, I’m not here to give advice on dating specifically, an activity at which everyone unabashedly sucks. Instead, I’m here to make sure you actually make it to the point where you can decide whether or not you want a second date, rather than taking yourself out of the running with a too-soon friend request or some other amateur bullshit. Here are three ways you’re scaring guys off before you get a chance to reject them yourself. Take notes.

Overusing Social Media

Social media is tricky. You need a distraction from the all-consuming task of not triple-texting, so you decide to post an Instagram story that happens to highlight your breasts and/or totally raging social life. And which you then go on to update every 30 minutes. Totally harmless right? Wrong. If triple-texting is unattractive because it looks like you’re too into him, non-stop social media is unattractive because it looks like you’re way too into your phone/yourself. (Which like, you are, but let him find that out on his own.)

Social media stories typically fall into two acceptable categories. If they’re actually interesting/entertaining (what the kids refer to as “quality content”), post away. Keep in mind that this typically requires you having an interesting job or life, such as interacting with celebrities. Just my two cents. If your stories fall more into the “day in the life but my hair looks good” category, you’re going to really want to limit it to the highlights. ONE selfie er day. ONE meal pic every three days, and the sunlight better be hitting your avocado toast JUST right. You get the idea.

Guys watching a story you updated every two minutes aren’t admiring your fun, cool life. They’re picturing you standing in the middle of that scene with your eyeballs glued to your phone. More importantly, they’re picturing dating you as an unpaid photographer gig with a side of watching you scroll through filters. (Again, this is accurate, but it’s also a reality that men need to be phased into slowly. If they’re aware of what’s happening before it’s too late to stop it, you’re doing it wrong.)

You’re not Kim K. You can’t get away with this.

Planning Out Every Last Detail

On average, it takes me and my boyfriend maybe 60 texts to nail down a dinner date. I reject the first 15 restaurant suggestions, he suggests between seven and 12 different meeting points, I get preemptively snarky about his outfit, and the fun rolls on. Fine and good when you’ve tricked someone into you’re in a committed relationship. Early on, though, anything above a single-digit number of texts to make a plan is going to be off-putting. This includes everything from the first “when should we get together” text to when you’re actually, physically speaking. Which means you should leave room for one “I’m here” text when you arrive, and should absolutely not be texting “do you want me to get a table or meet at the bar? LMK!” once you do arrive.

Texting back and forth over every detail makes you seem like you can’t make a decision without outside input, and runs the risk of exhausting him so much that the idea of meeting you in person no longer seems fun. This includes texts moving around the meet-up time, suggesting more than two locations (or including more than a five-word description of either one), or in any way reiterating the plans you’ve literally just made. (The boy can both scroll up and read, right? If not, get higher standards.) If you’re taking the initiative to make the plan, actually make the plan. And if he’s taking charge, either agree to something quickly or decide his suggestions all suck and just cancel altogether. Anything else will just breed irritation when your name pops up on their phone.

Your crush if you don’t ease TF up:

Taking The “Cool Girl” Thing Too Literally

Congratulations, you are a grown-ass woman. Everything in your life falls perfectly into place, seemingly without effort. You don’t need this man’s validation, and you won’t be crushed if this date doesn’t go well. You’re down for anything that comes up, but you’re just as down to walk away. You are the perfect embodiment of everything men are supposed to want women to be. Well—SURPRISE, BITCH! This is 2018, and perfect is no longer good enough. While I maintain that the above is a great attitude to hold internally, there are two glaring issues. One, this is true for exactly no one; you likely try very hard for everything you’ve achieved, and care at least a little, and hiding that is dumb. Two, it leaves very little room for you to make a meaningful connection. If someone’s going to get to know you, you have to show some vulnerability.

That means you can’t just be “fine with whatever” when it comes to spending the night, going out again, or picking your first vacation spot. You have to be honest about what you want, even if that means maybe not getting it. While being the Cool Girl might keep a guy interested in chasing you for a decently long time, maintaining the Cool Girl virtually guarantees that he’ll never be actually interested in dating you. In fact, he has no idea who the fuck you are beyond a girl who answers his texts less quickly than his other matches, and is therefore intriguing. Somewhere, some bitch who probably has an adorable Southern accent will outplay you by answering his texts just as slowly but then confessing that she’s getting attached on date three with a giggle that makes him feel like a Big Special Man. It’s all about balance.

This is where being a Cool Girl gets you. Covered in blood and hugging Ben “I specialize in on- and off-screen adultery” Affleck. Don’t be the Cool Girl, ladies!

Once you’re on the actual date, everyone has a million highly specific preferences for what person they want you to be. (You do too, don’t lie.) But with these tips, you’ll hopefully at least make it on the date before you fuck it up. Good luck out there!

Images: Giphy (3)

What To Do When Your Friend’s Boyfriend Flirts With You: Ask A Pro

Head Pro will only flirt with your friends in private, like the extremely women-respecting gentleman that he is. Email your questions for him to [email protected], and follow him on Twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.

Dear Head Pro,

As much as I love this column I never thought I’d have to write in to it, but here it goes. For clarification, what’s done is done, but I need to know if/how I could have handled this clusterfuck of a situation differently.

I recently handed in my notice and will be moving out of the country, so with a month left, I thought I’d fire up the swiping apps and have some fun. I ended up meeting this guy for drinks who I found myself really physically attracted to, though I knew he was just looking for a fuck buddy and took my leaving the country soon to mean I’d be down too. I wasn’t sure how I felt about it but I’ve never really thrown caution to the wind so I decided to go with it.

I first met him on a Tuesday. Flash forward to Friday and we’ve been texting all week. I get a bit drunk and so does he and we end up going back to my place and having sex. To be honest, it wasn’t mind blowing, and at one point he jokingly told me I was ‘not even an object, an inanimate object,’ but I let him stay until morning and give me massages/cuddle because why the fuck not.

After that we continued our texting through the week, though he wasn’t exactly jumping on the opportunity to see me again. Finally on Sunday afternoon he asks if he can come over and against my better judgment I say why not. When he arrives my roommates are all home and I tell him it’s too awkward, so we go for coffee where he’s simultaneously all over me yet talking about his ex gf and how hard it was to break up with her A YEAR AGO….please. Just when I’m thinking OK, it’s fine, we can just go back to my place and fuck and at least I’ll get something out of it…the crimson wave arrives. Great.

I was so awkward about it that I still brought him back, ended up just making out with him and cuddling and pretending like I just didn’t want to do anything more. When he said he had to go, I begged him to stay like some kind of psycho girlfriend (why did I do this?! I have no idea?). Unsurprisingly, after that performance he texted me saying “You’re nice and that was nice, but I don’t think we should see each other again. We’re clearly very different people looking for different things right now.”

My question: am I a total psycho for what I did having him come over for a presumed booty call and then pulling that shit? Why, if I knew this was just gonna be a fuck buddy situation, didn’t I just leave it? The entire thing is so unlike me and I feel completely mortified/confused.


Someone who needs their citizenship revoked

Lmaoooooooooo. No, I don’t think you’re psycho, but you’re not, like, not psycho? I think we sell a shirt for people like you. And not for nothing, this guy sounds like he has a whole shitton of his own issues, without the excuse of an impending move overseas. Like, what’s your excuse for calling a willing sex partner an inanimate object, fucko? And I’m sorry, if a grown man over age of, oh, 25 or so can’t get over an ex within a year, he’s fucked up. We should implement a nationwide minimum swiping age of 30. I fully expect the NRA’s support in this initiative.

Anyway, some people respond to uncertainty by clinging to routine. You, apparently, do like the COMPLETE opposite and try some shit you wouldn’t ordinarily try. I think that’s ok. Most of us would probably be better off using big life changes to try new things, provided those things aren’t black tar heroin or thinking you can pull off bangs. Really, all this ended up being was you misreading a dead-end hookup situation and biting off a little more than you could chew—what little plan you had fell apart, and you short-circuited in the moment.

I’m no doctor, but I think that’s basically it: looming uncertainty about a new chapter in life combined with the uncharted waters of the NSA hookup scene. At least you managed to kill two (or more?) birds with one stone, and have learned the perils of being a clinger.

Hey Head Pro!

A few months back, my friend starting dating a guy she met on Tinder. After a few hang outs, she invited me to meet him and I immediately received flirtatious vibes from him. The next time I saw him, about a month later, he was openly flirting with me at a party while my friend was in the other room. He kept finding ways to touch me or to make me touch him (“feel my hair, there’s like no gel in it!”). When his girlfriend (my friend!) sat on his lap, he made seriously creepy eye contact with me.

I always try to brush it off, assuming I don’t really know him and perhaps it’s just his personality, but many of my other friends have noticed him staring at me or talking to me for too long or finding a way to bring me up in conversation. We’re now at the point where everyone but his girlfriend notices his behavior.

Here’s my question: do I bring it up to her and risk losing my friend or do I try to let it go and continue to act oblivious? Better yet, should I bring it up to him? What would I say in either of these scenarios?

I’m not sure how long they’ll last, but it doesn’t seem like he’ll be going anywhere any time soon.

Thanks for your help!

Flirting with Disaster

Ok first of all (and I mean no offense by this), if you’re getting flirty vibes after seeing him a month apart, I gotta assume it has a lot more to do with him than you. Like, the odds that he’s just flirting with you and not other people in that timeframe are extremely low. Unless your friend is dating a horny 13-year-old boy and is ALSO a bridge troll (who he’s dating for some reason, probably because she buys him beer), there’s no way he’s carrying a torch for you (and only you) for that long. I think you’re dealing with a standard-issue creepy person.

Regardless, no, you can’t say something. If you do, all your friend is gonna do is immediately accuse you of coming onto HIM, which is obviously untrue but people tend to trust the people they’re fucking. And don’t get grand visions of forming a united front and intervening that way, either—someone (possibly several people!) in the group likely doesn’t see his creepy advances in as poor a light as you do, and would probably defect and take her side in the argument. Oh god, that would be so much worse. Because then EVERYONE thinks you’re horny for him, and it would eventually get back to him, and then next time you see him (if you’re not ostracized from the group), he’d think he was Matt Dillon in Wild Things. “Matt Dillon in Wild Things” is how every creep ALREADY pictures himself, and you don’t wanna fuel that fire.

Instead, I would do your best to give him the benefit of the doubt and view him as one of those assholes who’s “just really friendly to everyone!” You know the type—guys who hug every female friend they have (why no love for the bros, Sir Hugs-a-Lot?), sound like politicians whenever they talk to new people (“so like, tell me your story”), and generally try to endear themselves to everyone by being insufferably, performatively nice. These guys are almost exclusively under 5’10” tall, for some reason.

If you can do that, you can practice the standard neutralizing tactics practiced by quasi-introverts like myself. Avoidance is the general rule; specifically no touching. His cringeworthy “touch my hair” bit is actually perfect, because you can dodge it without looking like a dick (unlike, say, a hug). Just be like “cool, yeah, I can tell” and refuse to play along further. Those people HATE when they can’t dictate the terms, and will usually lose interest if they feel they don’t have you under their spell anymore.

Also, figure out a way to get your friend to stop sitting on his fucking lap in public. This is a group outing, for chrissakes.

Head Pro will only flirt with your friends in private, like the extremely women-respecting gentleman that he is. Email your questions for him to [email protected], and follow him on Twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (2)

6 Mistakes You’re Making When Sliding Into His DMs

The brilliant Alex “Hitch” Hitchens once furiously blurted with a mouth full of a chubby dude’s saliva, “YOU GO 90, AND I GO 10—YOU DON’T GO THE FULL 100.” Since then, I chose to apply the “maybe don’t go all the way” rule to every aspect of my life—hooking up with a stranger, finishing a bottle of wine by myself on a Tuesday, sliding into my friend’s hot brother’s DMs, everything. Why? Because things like successfully sliding into the DMs requires a complex set of skills not even Liam Neeson obtains, and going all in at first contact will only result in a lifetime of rejection, and I’m just assuming you don’t have the funds for that kind of therapy.

Let’s get one thing straight. When it comes to flirting, men are fucking clueless. They have the cranial capacity of burnt toast. But the main problem with sliding into DMs is that it usually never works (oh Jesus, wipe that dumb Taylor Swift surprised look off your face—you know this). A guy’s inbox acts as a limited platform for a first and only impression. It’s like one of those blind The Voice auditions. It’s a real audition, and you need to be fully prepared if you plan on sliding into home. Actually, now that I think of it, they should call it plunging into DMs, because sliding refers to a graceful movement, and making a smooth landing into someone’s inbox only exists in like, a Cameron Diaz RomCom. Anyway, as I said, this shit rarely works but like, never say never, and in the age of non-existent human interaction, cyber flirting is crucial to your duty of repopulating the earth, so take my advice in order to avoid a painful nose dive into his DMs followed by this landing:


1. Don’t Go Straight For The Prize

Sliding into DMs should be the desperate final resort in reaching out to a guy person (civil rights, this is the ‘90s), and should only be done if you have no other way of contacting them. That said, I’m assuming you’ve barely said two words to this person, so going all in at first actual contact is like, pushing legal boundaries. If you actually have access to a phone number or idk, you’re fluent in the English language and you still choose to DM, you’re garbage. But what I’m saying here is that going straight for awkward introduction will result in failure. Remember those dumb arcade claw machines that stole all your money and also your will to live? Remember slamming the button down and thinking this was the money shot, only to be strapped for cash and some dignity? Exactly. 

Instead, ease into it. To appear on his radar, start by swapping the automatic DM for a few likes and a follow. Even better if he’s private, since he’ll be forced to accept your request and probably creep on you in the process. Your follower count Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither should this sexual buildup be.

Eye On The Prize

2. Don’t Like All Their Posts

This should be the first idiot-proof rule of social media 101 that you learned in like 7th grade, so let me circle back around the whole “slowly easing in” thing. Nobody in their right mind has ever looked at some freak in their notifications who randomly liked 25 photos in a row and thought, “Aw, how sweet!” That’s fucking weird and an automatic no from any normal human. Showing non-DM interest is important, but a “like” 37 weeks deep into the abyss just screams restraining order. This is literally how Blac Chyna snaked her way into the Kardashian circle, and look how that ended up. K I made that up, but you believed it for a sec, so keep it to a three like maximum, or forever hold your blocked status.


3. Don’t Let Your Hoe Flag Fly Too Soon

Don’t get me wrong—flirting is good. Leading someone on is healthy. These things are the gateway to a lifetime of probable divorce pure bliss, but being a straight-up thirst machine out the gate is a one-way ticket to “we should do this again sometime” territory, and FYI, that’s the type of “we should do this again sometime” where you’ll never do this again sometime. That means refrain from using cleavage, dirty talk and/or the eggplant emoji in the first few conversations. To back this statement up, I called upon my slutty friends conducted lot of research for this article, and asked one friend if the whore-yourself-out tactic actually works. Her response: “I mean, mine usually works when they want to slide into my V”. I’m not even making this up. I told you: hard-hitting journalism. I realize that my friend just gave me useless advice, so moral of the story—expect to be one-night-stood (not a crime, btw) unless you save the sleaze for the third drink date.

One Night Stand

4. Don’t Be Basic (Fucking Duh)

Did you not learn anything when scoping out a semester-long lab partner to cheat off of in college? Your mutual friends and your shared hobbies are always your allies. DMing is basically the same thing. Initiating a conversation with “hey” will only generate one word back, unless you begin by mentioning your mutual friend they also follow that you haven’t talked to since she held your hair back on spring break of ’13. God I hate myself for saying that. But really—when someone hits you with a “Hi!”, your initial response is, “Do I know you?” so now you’ve just come off as serial psycho, explaining that you saw him while you were deep into your cousin’s best friend’s sister’s Instagram. But whatever, if all else fails, you can always use the “you look really familiar” cop-out.

Do I Know You

5. Don’t Keep Messaging If They Stop Responding

It starts off as any casual excuse: “Maybe he’s just busy at work…” fucking spare me, it’s 2017—nobody’s actually working eight hours a day these days unless you’re Harvey Weinstein’s attorney. How else do you think I was able to get through my Vampire Diaries binge in two months? Look, there’s no excuses here. Unless he died, there’s no reason you should be double or triple messaging. That’s just like, the rules of desperation feminism.

Michael Scott

6. Don’t Have Any Expectations

Girls who say they have no expectations and have “nothing to lose” ironically have all the expectations and somehow lose their shit once they realize that sliding into someone’s DMs isn’t exactly the road to a life filled with white picket fences and Saturday morning soccer games. I don’t even need research to tell you that your only means of survival is to go into this with no expectations. Like, none. Like, the kind of expectations you had when you DMed Josh Duhamel now that he and Fergie are toast. The kind where your mom tells you that her friend’s cousin’s wannabe musician son would be perfect for you. Those kinds of expectations.

No Expectations

Anyway, I’m waiting on this guy to comment on my cleavage Snap, so I don’t have time to babysit you anymore.  

8 Not Lame Dating App Openers That Will Get You A Message Back

Now that dating apps are like chill to use (kinda), you’re probably on a few of them. The way bros swipe is honestly exhausting, while betches are more selective of who they let past their filter. Unfortunately, the swipe-right-all-the-time attitude of bros means you’ll need to actually try harder to get his attention when you match. Not like, try hard, but more than doing nothing. It used to be that we could just get away with a “hey” but Bumble basically forced us to let bros know we’re witty and hot first instead of letting them do the courting before we decide if we should try. But, yay feminism, right?

Now betches are forced with dealing with a problem that used to be reserved for the bros: What do you message without sounding lame? Here are a few ideas, you’re welcome. Not all apps require betches to message first, but you might as well take note here, since Tinder is a wasteland and most bros get their pickup lines from the internet anyway.

1. “You want to get out of here?” It’s flirty but it doesn’t make any sense so it will grab his attention without sounding desperate.

2. “What should I say to this cute guy on Tinder?” and then message him after that with “Oh no! This isn’t Google search is it.” It’s playful but lets him know you have a sense of humor.

3. “If I told you I’m a time traveler from the future, what’s the one thing you want to know?” This one’s for the secret nerd betches and is great because it gets the conversation started with a question that isn’t just “where are you from?” But depending on how he answers, you can still learn a lot from him.

4. “I bet I can guess your favorite movie.” Or insert any other favorite in there. Then guess Fight Club. I mean, there’s an 80% chance you’re right. But it doesn’t matter if you’re wrong because you have something to talk about. And if he says it’s not Fight Club, hide your shock just say “good, I was hoping you’d say that”.

5. Tell him something about yourself that’s vaguely related to his profile, like “I went to London this year too but I don’t have a dog as cute as yours” if he has a picture in London and one with his dog. Literally it doesn’t matter what it is, just as long as it’s specific and somewhat interesting.

6. Suggest something fun to do that isn’t drinks and make it specific. For example, “Want to get ice cream?” or “You want to go on a taco crawl?” He’ll appreciate the initiative and because you already suggested something to do you’re taking the pressure off him planning. Chances are he’ll still take you out on a proper date first, so whatever casual thing you mentioned can be on deck for a second date.

7. “I think you’re pretty.” If we had a dime for every time a bro said “you’re pretty” to us, we’d still have no use for dimes. But sometimes a simple opener is the best, and instead of calling him cute or hot, just call him pretty.

8. “You have good taste.” This is a little cheeky but it will show him that you’re honest and confident about yourself. He has good taste for swiping right on you, but you also are letting him know that you’re into him too. When in doubt, just bring it back to you. You are, after all, trying to show him who you are so he’ll want to date you.