The brilliant Alex “Hitch” Hitchens once furiously blurted with a mouth full of a chubby dude’s saliva, “YOU GO 90, AND I GO 10—YOU DON’T GO THE FULL 100.” Since then, I chose to apply the “maybe don’t go all the way” rule to every aspect of my life—hooking up with a stranger, finishing a bottle of wine by myself on a Tuesday, sliding into my friend’s hot brother’s DMs, everything. Why? Because things like successfully sliding into the DMs requires a complex set of skills not even Liam Neeson obtains, and going all in at first contact will only result in a lifetime of rejection, and I’m just assuming you don’t have the funds for that kind of therapy.
Let’s get one thing straight. When it comes to flirting, men are fucking clueless. They have the cranial capacity of burnt toast. But the main problem with sliding into DMs is that it usually never works (oh Jesus, wipe that dumb Taylor Swift surprised look off your face—you know this). A guy’s inbox acts as a limited platform for a first and only impression. It’s like one of those blind The Voice auditions. It’s a real audition, and you need to be fully prepared if you plan on sliding into home. Actually, now that I think of it, they should call it plunging into DMs, because sliding refers to a graceful movement, and making a smooth landing into someone’s inbox only exists in like, a Cameron Diaz RomCom. Anyway, as I said, this shit rarely works but like, never say never, and in the age of non-existent human interaction, cyber flirting is crucial to your duty of repopulating the earth, so take my advice in order to avoid a painful nose dive into his DMs followed by this landing:
1. Don’t Go Straight For The Prize
Sliding into DMs should be the
desperate final resort in reaching out to a guy person (civil rights, this is the ‘90s), and should only be done if you have no other way of contacting them. That said, I’m assuming you’ve barely said two words to this person, so going all in at first actual contact is like, pushing legal boundaries. If you actually have access to a phone number or idk, you’re fluent in the English language and you still choose to DM, you’re garbage. But what I’m saying here is that going straight for awkward introduction will result in failure. Remember those dumb arcade claw machines that stole all your money and also your will to live? Remember slamming the button down and thinking this was the money shot, only to be strapped for cash and some dignity? Exactly.
Instead, ease into it. To appear on his radar, start by swapping the automatic DM for a few likes and a follow. Even better if he’s private, since he’ll be forced to accept your request and probably creep on you in the process.
Your follower count Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither should this sexual buildup be.
2. Don’t Like All Their Posts
This should be the first idiot-proof rule of social media 101 that you learned in like 7th grade, so let me circle back around the whole “slowly easing in” thing. Nobody in their right mind has ever looked at some freak in their notifications who randomly liked 25 photos in a row and thought, “Aw, how sweet!” That’s fucking weird and an automatic no from any normal human. Showing non-DM interest is important, but a “like” 37 weeks deep into the abyss just screams restraining order. This is literally how Blac Chyna snaked her way into the Kardashian circle, and look how that ended up. K I made that up, but you believed it for a sec, so keep it to a three like maximum, or forever hold your blocked status.
3. Don’t Let Your Hoe Flag Fly Too Soon
Don’t get me wrong—flirting is good. Leading someone on is healthy. These things are the gateway to a lifetime of probable divorce pure bliss, but being a straight-up thirst machine out the gate is a one-way ticket to “we should do this again sometime” territory, and FYI, that’s the type of “we should do this again sometime” where you’ll never do this again sometime. That means refrain from using cleavage, dirty talk and/or the eggplant emoji in the first few conversations. To back this statement up, I
called upon my slutty friends conducted lot of research for this article, and asked one friend if the whore-yourself-out tactic actually works. Her response: “I mean, mine usually works when they want to slide into my V”. I’m not even making this up. I told you: hard-hitting journalism. I realize that my friend just gave me useless advice, so moral of the story—expect to be one-night-stood (not a crime, btw) unless you save the sleaze for the third drink date.
4. Don’t Be Basic (Fucking Duh)
Did you not learn anything when scoping out a semester-long lab partner to cheat off of in college? Your mutual friends and your shared hobbies are always your allies. DMing is basically the same thing. Initiating a conversation with “hey” will only generate one word back, unless you begin by mentioning your mutual friend they also follow that you haven’t talked to since she held your hair back on spring break of ’13. God I hate myself for saying that. But really—when someone hits you with a “Hi!”, your initial response is, “Do I know you?” so now you’ve just come off as serial psycho, explaining that you saw him while you were deep into your cousin’s best friend’s sister’s Instagram. But whatever, if all else fails, you can always use the “you look really familiar” cop-out.
5. Don’t Keep Messaging If They Stop Responding
It starts off as any casual excuse: “Maybe he’s just busy at work…” fucking spare me, it’s 2017—nobody’s actually working eight hours a day these days unless you’re Harvey Weinstein’s attorney. How else do you think I was able to get through my Vampire Diaries binge in two months? Look, there’s no excuses here. Unless he died, there’s no reason you should be double or triple messaging. That’s just like, the rules of
6. Don’t Have Any Expectations
Girls who say they have no expectations and have “nothing to lose” ironically have all the expectations and somehow lose their shit once they realize that sliding into someone’s DMs isn’t exactly the road to a life filled with white picket fences and Saturday morning soccer games. I don’t even need research to tell you that your only means of survival is to go into this with no expectations. Like, none. Like, the kind of expectations you had when you DMed Josh Duhamel now that he and Fergie are toast. The kind where your mom tells you that her friend’s cousin’s wannabe musician son would be perfect for you. Those kinds of expectations.
Anyway, I’m waiting on this guy to comment on my cleavage Snap, so I don’t have time to babysit you anymore.