Acceptance around a man wearing flip-flops in the summer is a more divisive issue than whether Melania Trump is actually part of an elaborate hostage situation. Some people are for (exclusively men); some people are against (everyone else along with a handful of highly considerate men). Let’s end all arguments now—men in flip-flops are nasty af. Unless you’re one of the few hygienic men out there who gets weekly pedicures at their local nail salon, you do not have the right to disturb the world as you’re proudly fanning your crusty feet. Our rapidly crumbling civilization gets exponentially closer to apocalypse every day, and you’re not exactly bringing the Zen with your vile feet. As summer kicks in, we’re in no uncertain terms here to ask you not to wear flip-flops. We’ve compiled a number of convincing reasons, lest you think we didn’t have a strong argument.
1. Your Feet Are Disgusting
Unlike women, most men don’t get their feet scrutinized and scoured by a small woman talking shit to her coworker while she’s buffing away dead skin and sadness every week. There’s no polish to be found even though, quite frankly, it would help hide that bout of yellow fungus on your left big toe.
Since women are used to meticulous self-judgment and head-to-toe analysis by our bitchy friends (love ya!), we’re naturally programmed to keep that shit lookin’ fly. Or at least, not looking diseased. Men roll out of bed in the morning and we’re lucky if they remember to brush their teeth. So we understand your lack of awareness around foot hygiene. But understanding does not equal acceptance. Ya feel me?
2. Your Feet Are Hairy
Nothing’s hotter than a dude rocking a fur coat from the ankle down—said nobody ever. While you try to re-swallow that vomit that just rose in your mouth, let’s all accept that men, by nature, have hairier feet than women. Sandals and their cousin, the flip-flop, just show all that shit off even more. Hard pass. However, might I take this opportunity to introduce you to the body groomer, which is the most essential all-purpose tool that a man should invest in pretty much as soon as puberty hits? No, it is not too much to ask…we women endure literal torture to look the way we do. Again, you’re welcome.
3. You’ll Get Foot Problems
Fun fact: flip-flops are incredibly bad for your feet. According to The Telegraph, “the flip-flop’s lack of support, coupled with the gripping motion needed to keep it attached to your person … puts extra strain on your metatarsal joints.” So combined with the fact that comfortable flip-flops don’t exist, there’s no arch support, AND you’re damaging your joints, why would any idiot wear these casually?
4. The Sound
You know what isn’t attractive? A guy walking toward me while his feet make a frrrrphmf frrrrphmf frrrrphmf sound akin to a small duckling being kicked down a city block. STOP. Plus I KNOW your feet are sweaty based on said sound, and the idea of your putrid, sweaty duckling feet walking towards me attached to a mouth that will say something stupid is causing me to have a rage blackout.
5. What Happens When You Go The Bathroom
Unlike civilized women, men pee standing up. At a urinal. Next to other dudes. You know what happens when one dude misses or splashes said urinal? Pee happens. It could happen on the floor. It could splatter onto Mr. Flip-Flops feet. Think about that next time you see a man in flip-flops.
If you absolutely insist on wearing flip-flops, then serious regular foot maintenance is mandatory. Yes, we know it hurts like hell when the cuticle cutter digs into the side of your toenail, but that does not excuse you from doing your part to keep civilization alive. Also plan accordingly for the extra five minutes that will be added to your morning ritual for hair removal. If you choose to spend that extra $20 per week on something other than a standard pedicure, you can take your closed-toed shoes and go. Just go.
Images: Peter Hershey, Unsplash; Giphy (6)
I’m obsessed with early 2000s fashion. I basically single-handedly lead the revolution to revive the Juicy Couture tracksuit. (To be fair, that’s an exaggeration. Kylie Jenner and Bloomingdales really helped.) I Google roll-on body glitter on a weekly basis just in case some beauty company has decided to bring back the sacred product Icing used to carry. I type half of my teXtt MeSSaGes to mY gRoUp cHatt like AiM aWaY MeSSaGes~. I’m seriously considering getting a pair of purple-lensed sunglasses with a rhinestone butterfly on them, and I don’t even like butterflies. You get the point. I and my style have not left the early 2000s.
However, even though I’m totally obsessed, I understand that there are serious boundaries in the world of the early aughts. I’m not about to wear my thong out the top of my pants. It’s just not appropriate for my current life, even if Manny Santos roamed the hallways of Degrassi like that. There’s one particular early 2000s trend that I’m prepared to take a serious stand against, and that’s platform flip-flops.
Urban Outfitters just released a pair of $40 Rocket Dog platform flip-flops. I will give them some credit for the fact that they stuck to an OG platform flip-flop brand rather than creating their own junky pair, but I still just can’t get behind these.
First of all, think of the logistics of wearing these things. I’ll put it in 2001 terms for you. Remember how bad it felt to take a flip-flop platform to the ankle if you ever took a weird step? It’s basically the equivalent of taking a razor scooter to the heel. This kind of unpredictability with a platform is just plain irresponsible. (Moment of silence for the fact that I just said not to do something because it’s irresponsible. LOL.)
Secondly, these aren’t even a revival. I’m pretty sure there are still people wearing these in the corners of America where it will look like it’s 2006 for the next 30 years. Did Old Navy or Coach ever stop making tacky platform flip-flops? Probably not.
Additionally, everyone’s feet look stupid in these. You’re always going to look like your toes are clinging on for dear life, because they basically are. Honestly, give me an outfit that you think these would look good with. You can’t.
I get that athleisure, aka dressing like we don’t give a shit about our appearance, is in right now, but flip-flops are a step below even that. Even the most boujee flip-flops look like they could have been purchased on a last-minute whim at a nail salon. Plus, they make annoying noises no matter how you walk in them. Either you drag your feet or have an aggressive flopping noise, and both of those are sounds that really pierce my skull when I’m hungover (which is often).
However, I don’t want this to come across a rant against all platforms, because I’m still totally obsessed with anything with platform that is not a flip-flop. I think we should all just dress like the Spice Girls all of the time.
Flip flops are like that guy who (selfishly) only care about school, his mom, and his friends, and get friendzoned anyway. They’re always the one shoe who’s always there and who we can depend on when we get hurt by our Louboutin’s, but yet, we never choose them first when we’re running out the door. No matter how much of an asshole you are, they’ll always be around somewhere in your room. As a result, they’re usually my go-to when I need to change after a long night in heels or when I’m like, getting the mail. Army pants and flip flops will always have a special place in my heart for being so damn comfortable and versatile, but I think it’s time we put away the Havaianas because they’re boring, lame, and probably sit with the art freaks. If you considered going to Old Navy’s $1 flip flop sale for even a split second, please grab your passport, jump on the next flight to Timbuktu, and never fucking come back again. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you, but if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.
Now that I’m done being a little dramatic, spice up your flip flop collection with these fun styles that are (obviously) embellished and worthy of going to bottomless brunches. You’ll probably love them so much, you won’t be afraid of wearing them in front of your judgy friends.
1. TKEES Studio Sandal
Do you see how smooth these are? These aren’t rigid and made out of fucking rubber. These sandals are made out of leather and have scalloped straps. And they’re like, millennial pink. They’re the perfect upgrade for your ordinary, lame Havaianas if you want something V simple.
2. Joie Nice Sandal
All you have to know is this pair has a shit ton of glitter. With its slip on feature, these are perfect to grab when you’re running late for Margarita Mondays. If you’re not into heels anyway (what kind of sick person are you), these are great to wear when going to a summer wedding. Dress them up with a lace babydoll dress and you’re good to comfortably go.
3. Melissa Harmonic Bow III Flip Flops
Make an “I know, I’m extra” statement when you walk into any place with these bow-detailed sandals. These are perfect to pack when you’re headed for a day at the beach and have plans to go out after. They come in several colors, but try to go for a nude so that they match with any outfit.
4. Tory Burch Miller Flip Flop
If you enjoy letting everyone know who you’re wearing all year round, these Tory Burch flip flops are for you. They’re classy, simple, and feature a big-ass logo cutout. The soles have a foam cushion so they’re ideal for long days on your feet such as shopping with Daddy’s Amex in Nantucket.
5. Jack Rogers Georgica Jelly Hologram Thong Sandals
If this doesn’t overwhelm you with childhood nostalgia, then you’re too young to be here. You probably never let go of those jelly sandals from middle school, so these are the perfect excuse to bring back the 90s in a stylish way. They also feature an iridescent emblem that reminds me of like, Lisa Frank or more unicorn shit. But in a good way.
6. ÁLVARO Alberta Leather Thong Sandals
These sandals take a V modern twist on the basic white flip flop. The multi-strap and braided thong details add an elegant element to an everyday outfit. Wear with a bright, colorful dress and you’ll at least make an attempt of looking classy as you eat lobster and low-key black out in the Hamptons.
7. Valentino Rockstud Flip Flop
It says it all in the name. If you wore your Valentino’s down to the heel and still consider them your pride and joy, buy the flip flop style so you can enjoy them in the summer. You may come off as flirty and everything nice with these blush bow sandals, but the fierce studs clearly say, “don’t fuck with me, do you know who I am?”. These are not only something you just need to buy, but they give you a boost of confidence you probably don’t really need.