In case the fact that your hangovers now last like, an eternity wasn’t indication enough, you’re kind of on your way to getting old AF. Yet another company has made moves to prove that your childhood is totally over. CoverGirl is no longer easy, breezy, AIM is currently RIP, and now Coach isn’t even called Coach anymore.
The company responsible for your favorite Hanukkah present from 2006 announced that it’s now going to call itself Tapestry. Realistically, this doesn’t actually affect anyone because nobody rocks Coach besides Selena Gomez these days since she’s
probably contractually obligated to. And maybe some good will come out of this change, like retiring those horrendous opposite-facing C’s forever. However, it’s still sad in the same way that it’s sad to see that your prom date now posts filtered selfies on Facebook. It doesn’t really matter, but change is still hard to swallow.
Apparently Coach’s name change is meant to reflect the fact that the company also includes the Kate Spade and Stuart Weitzman brands, but we all know it’s probably because they’re trying to distance themselves from their reputation as the company that makes the flip flop wedges and trendy librarian loafers taking up prime shelf space at Nordstrom Rack. Ugh, wait. I just read that Coach will still continue to make Coach bags, just they will be doing so under the larger brand, whose name will now be Tapestry. Well that’s underwhelming, but my point about the C’s still stands. End it.
Regardless, just like deleting drunk texts in the morning doesn’t change the fact that you’ve sent them, renaming a company isn’t really enough for a rebrand.
Coach Tapestry better have big plans, or at least a Kylie Jenner endorsement in the works, if they expect any of us to start buying their shit again.
It’s been almost 10 years since The Simple Life first aired (Jesus, we’re old) and I, for one, mourn its loss every day. If you didn’t watch this show then I can only assume you were one of the few girls in my middle school class whose yearbook photo did not include blue clip-on hair extensions from Claire’s (an iconic look from the show) and, subsequently, years of regret. You lucky bitches. If you did watch this show then you know that Paris and Nicole were the gift that kept on giving. Tbh I’ve never felt more a part of the 99 percent’s inner circle than when watching those bitches shudder at doing chores and call one another sluts in front of a Midwestern homemaker in a “Jesus Loves Me” sweater. Kindred. Spirits. I already know that if I were older, richer, and living in the 90210 I would totally have been a valued member of their squad. Definitely ranked above Kim K aka their closet cleaner. Definitely. Paris and Nicole also had some truly timeless advice for young betches growing up. From fashion to love to work ethic they kept it the realest. So in honor of the show’s 10 year anniversary (again, kill me I’m so ancient) here are 10 times Paris and Nicole were literally us:
1. When they were soooo down to earth
Celebrities, they’re just like us! Except instead of asking for 25 cents I’m usually asking for, like, $49, 604. Similar, but different.
2. When they came up with this genius life hack:
^me anytime my boss asks me to order supplies. Um, do I not look busy to you rn? Yes, I might be 100 percent using my work computer to google Bachelorette conspiracy theories but that’s neither here nor there, CAROL.
3. That time people were trying to get in the way of Paris living her best life
A classic line and one I have used numerous times on friends who refuse to let me
live my best life sit and binge watch Netflix for hours. You’re never more blessed then when you’re sitting in a dark room with you and your four closest TV shows.
4. When they made you realize that you should never chase after a boy
Sage advice and words I whisper to myself every time I lie awake at night and wonder why no one has messaged me first on Bumble.
5. When they proved they’d make amazing housewives
Honestly, same. Betches know that chores are for peasants, but seeing as I
am a peasant live in Brooklyn I’m constantly internally debating if I should pay someone to clean my apartment (lol like I can afford Handy) or pay rent. A Sophie’s Choice, if you will. I’m with Nicole on this one though. You can’t expect me to be funny, pretty, AND able to wash a dish. Sorry, not gonna happen.
6. That time they educated America’s youth and gave some v important life advice
Any true betch knows that if you hope to
make it in this world have a thriving Instagram account then you should never allow the world to see your natural self. You think life’s tough now, kid, just wait until you’re competing with the Ariel Winters of this world. Stuffing your bra will be the least of your worries, honey.
7. When they were creative problem solvers
^An exact thought that runs through my mind every time the MTA tries to
screw me write me a ticket for walking through without swiping.
8. This iconic fight:
Honestly, how could you? I don’t even want to get started on the heinous fashion choices featured on this show (colored hair extensions, bedazzled graphic tees, CHANDELIER BELLY JEWELRY), but Nicole did grow up to run a thriving fashion line so, like, #ImWithHer.
9. That time Nicole just DGAF
Aside from the fact that they’re both dead inside, they also blatantly gave zero fucks throughout the show. I don’t remember this episode specifically but I can only assume that they’re about to crash this truck and/or ruin someone’s livelihood, and then call their rich daddies to transfer more money into their accounts. Never change, girls. Never change.
10. When Paris made you realize that we’re all just Heiresses at heart
If there’s one thing this show has taught me, it’s to live life like a heiress who’s been momentarily separated from her wealth. Some people might call that living “irresponsibly” or “above my means” but tbh it just sounds like jealousy to me. So thanks Paris and Nicole, the world will never forget you, your wise words, or your horrible hair extensions.
The bar for a TV reboot has officially been lowered. The finale of American Idol was barely a year ago, but now three out of four major networks are fighting over who’ll get to bring it back. If you just audibly groaned, that’s the correct emotional response. Welcome to Trump’s America.
If you’re wondering how we got here, let’s break it down: earlier this year, word got out that FremantleMedia, the show’s production company, was shopping around a revival and was in talks with Fox and NBC. The info was vague, but it didn’t come from nowhere. Somewhere in LA, we could already sense Ryan Seacrest getting his tips re-frosted and Paula Abdul popping half a bottle of Xanax. That somehow fell through, but then yesterday news broke that ABC now wants to bring American Idol back next year. Apparently the show is “the hottest property out there,” which is either a blatant lie or a very scary truth.
We’re really unsure what we did to deserve this. Sure, we liked American Idol back in like 2004 when we were in middle school and we thought Ruben Studdard was a lovable teddy bear, but who the fuck thinks this is a good idea now, in 2017? The show was literally canceled a year ago because of bad ratings, so what makes all these TV execs think it’ll make them a shitload of money this time around? This is like when you answer a fuckboy’s 2am “U up?” text for the 16th time hoping that this time he’ll ask you for a relationship. At this point, Hollywood producers have less creativity than Simon Cowell’s supply of shirts.
None of us are excited for the potential return of American Idol, but here are a few 2000s reboots that we could get behind:
1. ‘The O.C.’
Pour one out for this classic, gone too soon. All they really need to do is find a way to bring Marissa back from the dead, and this could be lit AF. Honestly we’d watch Mischa Barton just live her life on a hidden camera, so someone should make this happen.
2. ‘The Hills’
Look, we know everything that happened on this show was fake as fuck. So what? It was entertaining as hell, and we’d love to see some of these girls (*cough* Lauren and Heidi) forced to be in the same room again. Now that they’re like, all moms there would be a super interesting new dynamic. LC forever.
3. ‘Sex and the City’
Yes, we know they did two movies and the second one sucked. We don’t care. This epic girl squad deserves a full season reboot, no questions asked. Doesn’t HBO just like, keep Sarah Jessica Parker locked in their offices or something?
4. ‘Paris Hilton’s My New BFF’
Moment of silence for the fact that this ever existed. Yes it’s trashier than the culmination of all my late-night decisions, but we would watch a reboot of this show in a heartbeat. Now the poor contestants would have to help Paris DJ at some club in Ibiza and compete to be the first to release a sex tape, and it would absolutely be an incredible shit show.
We will never not want a legit Friends reunion. We know it probably won’t ever happen, but nevertheless, we persist.
6. ‘Gossip Girl’
Need we say more? If you could get Blake Lively to leave her
palace complex in upstate NY, this could truly be epic. Leighton Meester definitely doesn’t have anything better going on, and we would kill to see Blair Waldorf as a mom.
This could just come back on Youtube or some shit like that, but who doesn’t want a little bit of Ashton Kutcher running around fucking shit up in their day? Horrible people, that’s who. Still waiting for Ashton to pop out of the woodwork and tell us we’ve all been punk’d for the last six months tbh…
8. ‘Sabrina the Teenage Witch’
This show was everything. Stupid jokes, cool ~magic~, and Melissa Joan Hart getting herself into literally every embarrassing situation you could imagine. Netflix, start the paperwork, because this would be the perfect thing to bring back. We’ll take 10% on the back end as a small finder’s fee.
Now that Jennifer Garner is officially done with Ben Affleck’s bullshit, she could use a project to really devote her energy to. Aka time to bring back Alias! Jen was always an underrated badass, and she could definitely get back into it.
10. ‘The Amanda Show’
Amanda Bynes has had a rough few years, and we really have no clue where she is now or what she’s been up to. Seriously, where’s Amanda? Can someone please let us know or alert the proper authorities? Wherever she is, Amanda needs to find a way to become a normal person again, and going back to her roots would be the perfect thing. Bring in the dancing lobsters, rake in the cash.