I really am not one to fangirl over reboots of my favorite 90s TV shows and movies simply because of the nostalgia factor. Time and time again, the reboot proves to not even come close to the original (and that’s why I don’t talk to my exes). BH90210 was a meta-clusterf*ck. Baywatch was a total disaster that even The Rock and Zac Efron couldn’t save. We don’t even talk about Mean Girls 2. And yet history does nothing to stop Hollywood from insisting on making reboot after reboot, demanding us millennials to get excited and watch it, even though we can still watch the original on repeat on Netflix. And what do we do? We play right into the narrative, with our “OMG A ‘GREASE’ REBOOT IS COMING” articles and our Twitter hype, never stopping to question if we should do something just because we technically can. And so today’s reboot that probably some people asked for, but I was definitely not one of them is Clueless. And, while we don’t know a whole lot about the Clueless reboot, what we do know is… concerning.
Entertainment Weekly reports that Clueless is in talks to be remade into a TV series by CBS Television Studios, and it apparently already has multiple bidders. Deadline reports that multiple streaming services as well as the CW are interested. (My personal vote would be the CW since, as you’ll see in the description, this new Clueless would fit right in with the likes of Riverdale.) Again, we do not know much about what this Clueless reboot will entail, but we do know that it’s going to be executive produced by Corinne Brinkerhoff, who created American Gothic and No Tomorrow, and it’s going to be written by Jordan Reddout and Gus Hickey, who wrote Will and Grace. These are some interesting choices, but not nearly as interesting as the description of the TV show Entertainment Weekly provided.
This Clueless reboot TV show is actually going to be centered around Dionne, and I sincerely hope that they are not even considering bringing Stacey Dash into this—not even as the new Dionne’s mom—because her problematic behavior does not need to be brought back into the public consciousness. In any case, Dionne is the main character, as Cher Horowitz disappears, and Dionne is forced to step into her role as Queen Bee. Or, as the unofficial description puts it, “a baby pink and bisexual blue-tinted, tiny sunglasses-wearing, oat milk latté, and Adderall-fueled look at what happens when the high school Queen Bee (Cher) disappears and her life-long No. 2 (Dionne) steps into Cher’s vacant Air Jordans. How does Dionne deal with the pressures of being the new most popular girl in school, while also unraveling the mystery of what happened to her best friend, all in a setting that is uniquely 2020 L.A.?”
First, in what world does Cher Horowitz wear Air Jordans? I don’t know about you guys, but I just took an Adderall, and that description still gave me a headache. (Just kidding mom, it was only a Sudafed!) This kind of reminds me of Euphoria, and I’m bregrudgingly into the idea that the creators are making their Clueless reboot grittier and darker. However, this whole description reads like these writers Googled “millennial buzzwords” and threw them all together in a word salad. Or, if you’re looking for a visual description:
If this all sounds familiar, that’s because Clueless was already adapted into a TV show. It aired from 1996-1999 and starred Amy Heckerling as Cher (since Alicia Silverstone wasn’t available) and Stacey Dash as Dionne. However, while the ’90s TV show was not much of a departure from the original movie, this 2020 adaptation is going to be markedly different. For all my complaining, I actually think that if you’re going to revive a 90s classic, you need to go in a totally different direction with it. So that I support. The thing is, though, this could have been a totally new TV show and it would have still been compelling. There was no real reason to bring Cher and Dionne into this. That said, I did watch and enjoy Riverdale season one, so if the Clueless TV series is in the same vein, it might actually be good… until it jumps the shark in season 2.
Images: Giphy (2)
In case the fact that your hangovers now last like, an eternity wasn’t indication enough, you’re kind of on your way to getting old AF. Yet another company has made moves to prove that your childhood is totally over. CoverGirl is no longer easy, breezy, AIM is currently RIP, and now Coach isn’t even called Coach anymore.
The company responsible for your favorite Hanukkah present from 2006 announced that it’s now going to call itself Tapestry. Realistically, this doesn’t actually affect anyone because nobody rocks Coach besides Selena Gomez these days since she’s probably contractually obligated to. And maybe some good will come out of this change, like retiring those horrendous opposite-facing C’s forever. However, it’s still sad in the same way that it’s sad to see that your prom date now posts filtered selfies on Facebook. It doesn’t really matter, but change is still hard to swallow.
Apparently Coach’s name change is meant to reflect the fact that the company also includes the Kate Spade and Stuart Weitzman brands, but we all know it’s probably because they’re trying to distance themselves from their reputation as the company that makes the flip flop wedges and trendy librarian loafers taking up prime shelf space at Nordstrom Rack. Ugh, wait. I just read that Coach will still continue to make Coach bags, just they will be doing so under the larger brand, whose name will now be Tapestry. Well that’s underwhelming, but my point about the C’s still stands. End it.
Regardless, just like deleting drunk texts in the morning doesn’t change the fact that you’ve sent them, renaming a company isn’t really enough for a rebrand. Coach Tapestry better have big plans, or at least a Kylie Jenner endorsement in the works, if they expect any of us to start buying their shit again.
If you say Paris Hilton isn’t secretly your idol, you’re lying. Her face is on foreign sparkling wine and plastered on giant portraits throughout her house so she can just look at herself. Her five dogs have their own fucking mansion, for god’s sake. She is the one who made it cute to carry a small dog in your purse. She is the probably one who made you buy (and bedazzle) your RAZR flip phone. She is the reason why you find good lighting to take a selfie. And, she easily makes millions a day just by saying trademarked one liners. I’m not telling you to consider making a viral sex tape, but I’m saying you should consider making a viral sex tape.
In a recent interview with W Magazine, Paris basically says she is the shit and she knows it. She blatantly said she’s the one who apparently “invented the selfie.” She made mini denim skirts happen and she is the reason why Juicy Couture is a thing. It’s obvious what Paris says goes, so I wouldn’t be surprised if the Blackberry or Sidekick made a comeback.
Because Paris loves us so much and wants us all to look cute, here are the best trends the queen of the 2000s says you should still be wearing from “the hottest years in fashion”:
1. Track Suits
The more embellishments, the better. Make sure they’re colorful so that you look more fashionable than workout ready. Looking like you’re actually going to the gym is not acceptable. Kylie Jenner rocked a tracksuit from 
<a data-cke-saved-href=”https://www.mytheresa.com/en-us/x-juicy-couture-velour-track-pants-735419.html?catref=category&utm_source=affiliate&utm_medium=affiliate.linkshare.uk&siteID=TnL5HPStwNw-EyLTUzdo8xUzDiZy8i5tgQ&utm_source=affiliate&utm_medium=affiliate.linkshare.uk&siteID=TnL5HPStwNw-UlBTUwMx9NXpib4Mt0v8ew” href=”https://www.mytheresa.com/en-us/x-juicy-couture-velour-track-pants-735419.html?catref=category&utm_source=affiliate&utm_medium=affiliate.linkshare.uk&siteID=TnL5HPStwNw-EyLTUzdo8xUzDiZy8i5tgQ&utm_source=affiliate&utm_medium=affiliate.linkshare.uk&siteID=TnL5HPStwNw-UlBTUwMx9NXpib4Mt0v8ew” font-weight:=”” normal;”=””>Juicy Couture Velour Filagree Crown Original Jacket
2. Graphic Tees
Graphic tees such as this one are great for showing everyone what’s on your mind. Find one that really speaks to you and will show off just how philosophical you can be.
Or this one:
Shop Betches Still Drunk Flowy Tank
3. Mini Skirt
Guys, it’s really happening. Thanks to the current denim craze that reminds me of the Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears days, denim mini skirts are making a comeback. Embrace the cringe-worthy high school fashion and the days we binge watched Laguna Beach. Sex it up with over the knee boots or low chunky heel sandals. Own that mini skirt, work that mini skirt.
4. Millennial Pink
It’s the color of your favorite blush palette and the Insta-worthy Pink Drink from Starbucks. It’s been around for the past few years and it’s definitely not going away anytime soon. The controversial term (because in this day and age, this is apparently worth arguing over) is not a single color, but a range of light pink shades that include salmon and a pale blush. After clicking on two Google links extensive research, the shade of pink includes some sort of subliminal political message regarding like, the rules of feminism. True betches wear this color at least once a week so, every Wednesday, don’t forget. Or else.
Ted Baker Tinsley Curved Bow Zip Large Leather Tote in Baby Pink/Rose GoldRhinestones.
5. Rhinestones. So. Many. Rhinestones.
According to Princess Paris, there is no such thing as too much bling. Anything with rhinestones is worth wearing. A thick rhinestone choker is the perfect essential to add glam and turn heads because you just really like (and need) attention.
6. Trendy Baseball Cap
Paris says trucker hats are still cool but honestly, a trucker hat reminds me of those assholes who go to raves wearing neon from head to toe, and a lame fucking shirt that says something like, “party with sluts.” I’m going to go ahead and say it’s a no from me on that one. Opt for a cute, light baseball cap instead that has some inspirational quote on it. Wear it on the days you’re too lazy to wash your hair or to buy more dry shampoo.
BODY RAGS CLOTHING CO. Gym Now Wine Later Baseball Cap
7. Crop Tops With Low-Rise Jeans
Low-rise jeans bring me back to a time I never want to go back to. I don’t advise anyone wearing this tacky combo tbh, because that’s just really pushing it. If you must, settle for distressed mid-rise skinny jeans so that way, they’re basically not where your thong is. If you’ve always wanted to channel “Dirrty” Christina Aguilera, this would be the perfect time to get away with it.
Early 2000s MTV was television at its finest. I know there are people that love the vintage shit where it was all about music, and then millennials will bitch about how great Teen Mom is because it opened their eyes to the epidemic of teen pregnancy in trailer parks across America, but like, none of that holds a fucking candle to the days of Real World, The Hills and My Super Sweet Sixteen. It was our first taste of reality TV besides shit like Survivor and American Idol, and we wanted to be exactly like everyone on these shows, even if they were trashy and/or douchey af. There are people who say that Netflix and other streaming services have brought us to the age of “peak TV,” but anyone who had the pleasure of watching Sammi and Ronnie in their first season knows that we reached “peak TV” long ago. That’s why we’re ranking our fave MTV shows from our youth by the only metric that matters: betchiness. Also because like, it’s better than focusing on whatever tf is going on today.
10. ‘Jersey Shore’
Don’t get me wrong, I fucking live for a weekend-long marathon of GTL, bar brawls and Sammi Sweetheart screaming Rahhhnnn at least seven times an episode, but like, this group of guidos and the Jersey Shore in general is so not betchy. They wore shit from… Fuck, idk where you buy shit like that because I would never, but y’all know what I’m talking about. It all looked like it came from the back room at the airbrush T-shirt store they “worked” in. They had a duck land line for fuck’s sake. Funny, but not betchy.
9. All Of The Dating Shows
Looking back on it, all of these shows were beyond fucked up. We think going on Tinder and Bumble is bad? Try having a fuckboy judge whether or not you’re worth his time by going on a date with your mom. Dating in the early 2000s was absolute savage. There was Next, where possible datees sat on a bus together and the main suitor just said “next” after five minutes if they were bored or thought you were ugly; Date My Mom, which is self-explanatory I hope; Room Raiders so pervy dudes everywhere could judge high school girls by their underwear drawer and women could use black light technology to see exactly how much men ejaculate on stuff; and my personal fave, Parental Control, where parents who hated their kid’s S.O. forced them to go on dates with other people and then they watched WITH THE BOYFRIEND OR GIRLFRIEND. I’m shook just thinking about it. Anyway, these were fun to watch, but like, if you need to go on one of these wack-ass shows to find love, you def can’t sit with us.
8. ‘Real World’
Real World is basically the OG reality show. If you’re anything like me, Real World was the first show you watched behind your parents’ backs because they didn’t want you turn into an alcoholic thot like all the girls on there. Understandable. The show was entertaining af, mainly because it was a bunch of semi-hot strangers who lived together and therefore ended up fucking, almost killing each other, or saying something racist. Sometimes all three. Naturally. It was fine and we all loved it, but everyone on it was legit trash and was either forgettable or went on to compete on Road Rules or The Challenge aka is now just a desperate middle-aged fame whore. No fucking thanks.
7. ‘Two-A-Days’
Ahhh… The classic tale of the state-winning high school football team and their undying love for every girl on the cheerleading squad. It was pretty much just MTV capitalizing off all of us being obsessed with Friday Night Lights by giving us a way more boring real life version. I loved it at the time because I could like, relate and shit, but now it’s just meh. Football captain Alex and cheerleading captain Kristin were a cute couple and all, but I would rather exercise than watch people do sports. And that’s serious.
6. ‘Cribs’
Who doesn’t want to look in celebrities’ houses and see all the tacky shit new money can buy? Hopefully no one because that shit is entertaining. It gains betch points because the whole premise is touring v expensive mansions, but loses points because there’s no drama. Show me an episode of Taylor Swift’s “pad” as they liked to call it and have Katy Perry or like, any of the other billion people who hate her throw a glass of wine in her face. Now that’s a damn show. We need to get Andy Cohen on this, asap.
5. ‘My Super Sweet 16’
It’s a fucking miracle I didn’t turn into a legit terror because of this show. Or maybe I did, idk. Ask my mom. But despite them being the fucking worst, these spoiled af teens were betchy. They knew what they wanted and got it. Even if it was a six figure birthday party. I specifically remember one with two girls who had Sex and the City drag queens and Three 6 Mafia performed. Like, that’s legit af. But god, everyone was so annoying.
4. ‘Laguna Beach’
Let’s have a moment of silence for the first time we met Lauren Conrad… Okay enough of that. Who would have thought an overly bleached blonde teen that obsessed over a guy who friend zoned her for the BSCB would end up being our life idol? But here we are. There was the perfect mix of nice guys, mean girls, and people in the middle we’d actually wanna hang out with and I may or may not have tried to convince my parents to move to the real O.C. more than once. A lot like Two-A-Days, MTV just took a popular TV drama (The O.C., fucking duh) and turned it into a less exciting reality show. I mean, Laguna Beach was great, but no one OD’d in TJ or anything.
3. ‘8th & Ocean’
This is def one of the most underrated, forgotten MTV shows of all time. Beautiful people in a beautiful place with a decent amount of drama? I’m in. We watched really really ridiculously good looking models live together and fight about bookings and who was hotter. Riveting. There were the twins from the astigmatism commercial, the innocent new girl, the heartthrob and some more people who were there but irrelevant. In fact, is there anyway we can make this happen now? With like Gigi, Kendall, Bella, and the likes? God, I should be in television.
2. ‘The City’
This show could have slid into the number one spot because of head betch Olivia Palermo herself. Was she the mean girl who treated nicey-nice Whitney like shit while they worked at DVF? Sure. But welcome to NYC, bitch. You’re not in L.A. anymore. It’s cutthroat af. On The City, we watched Whitney go off on her own and stop being in Lauren’s less qualified but still more successful shadow. She hung with models, worked in fashion, got a scruffy boyfriend in a band, pretty much your usual basic new to New York betch starter kit. But we love Whitney and New York. And we really really love Olivia Palermo.
1. ‘The Hills’
Fucking duh. Lauren Conrad went from back burner betch to HBIC in like one fucking year. Sure, there was the whole Jason Wahler, giving up Paris to live with your bf at the beach thing, but we’re gonna pretend season 1 didn’t happen. We naively believed that Lauren was actually an intern at Teen Vogue and that she and Brody were soul mates and that she really did coincidentally meet a hot, already mic’d girl at the pool of her apartment. Were we stupid? Yeah. But The Hills gave us Lauren Conrad 2.0, one of the betchiest of all betches.
