I’m the first to admit it, I f*cking despise working out. Every time I leave for the gym I think, “hmmm or I could just accept my fate of morbid obesity and go to Krispy Kreme and eat an entire dozen in my bed.” It’s super tempting. But aside from vanity, working out helps your heart, your posture, and regulates your hormones. Whatever. I work in animation and the sight of the obese, permanently hunched-over men from spending their lives drawing and eating donuts (why are there always donuts in film studios???) traumatized me and now I go to the gym. I’ve been going 3-5 days a week for 5 years, and I’m still waiting for the “endorphins” and the “you’ll start to miss it if you don’t go” bullsh*t we’re fed. Hasn’t happened, every minute sucks, and yet, I still go. BUT. Sometimes having fun products or new outfits makes me feel better about wasting so much of my life lifting things and putting them back down. Here are some things you should buy to get you motivated to get back to the gym.
I love, love, love these leggings, and they’re 32% off. Nike is my favorite brand for workout clothes because everything is always cute, fits perfectly, and makes me look thinner than I am. The only downside is the price tag, which is why I wait for the sales on Hautelook or Nordstrom Rack. If you’re paying full price, you’re doing shopping wrong. These pants are so comfortable, cute, and suck everything in so I feel like all this working out is actually paying off.
S’well bottles are the best. They stay ice cold for 24 hours, which is essential when you’re trying to work out in 100 degree weather (side note: this is why you shouldn’t live in the valley, trust me). Plus, they come in a lot of fun colors and patterns. I am obsessed with mine and I love that I can even leave it in my car without it getting warm.
You need a cute gym bag to lug around your workout accessories—towel, boxing gloves, S’well bottle, weapons. I mean, I do martial arts sometimes, so that’s not even weird. This bag is hilarious and big enough to fit whatever you may need, especially if you’re the kind of psycho who showers at the gym (for the love of God, please bring shower shoes).
Gym shoes are always expensive af, but I guess you get a lot of use out of them (mostly for athleisure outfits, but it counts). This is another item I wait for the sales to buy. I don’t run because 1) it sucks, 2) it makes your breasts sag, 3) it’s bad for your joints, 4) I have a heart condition and can’t do high-impact activity or IDK I guess I’ll die or something (unclear). In that order. But with cute running shoes I look like a cool athletic chic who runs. These Nikes are so chic and are half price (depending on size).
Fitbits are super trendy, but they’re actually a good purchase if you need some motivation. They remind you to get up and move if you’ve been stagnant too long, track your calories, and give you goals to meet (like steps or whatever). Even if you’re super disciplined, it’s nice to have your progress tracked. I sit crumbled up in ball in my office chair, hunched over my screen, drawing or writing all f*cking day (and sometimes night). This is why I’m going to end up with back problems. I get so sidetracked it’s nice to have a reminder to get up and walk around. I love this one that looks like a chic watch but actually is keeping your ass in shape.
Beats are one of those products that I really, really wanted to hate. They were just so trendy and seemingly overpriced that I instantly despised them. Unfortunately, then my friend got a pair and they were such good headphones that I got jealous and bought my own. Also? They look so sleek and cool and come in a bunch of fun colors. Mine are old now, but if I were to buy a new pair, these wireless rose gold ones are beautiful and won’t get tangled while you’re being active.
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Let me start this off by saying, if you don’t want to hear about my sex life, then
you’re just jealous you should probably read something else. Now, let’s talk about what you all are dying to hear about: the time I courageously wore a Fitbit while having sex and decided to document it on the internet.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years and we’ve done it
298 times a lot, qualifying myself as a very sexually experienced person. What am I not as knowledgeable in, you may ask? Exercise. I’m the girl who gets out of breath walking up a flight of stairs, running to catch the subway, or dancing at the club.
Needless to say, I don’t own a Fitbit so I had to borrow one for this experiment (thanks, mom).
Call me crazy, but I’m much more motivated to work harder in bed than I am to work off that pizza. But hey, to each their own. Since I am that dedicated to my craft, and my boyfriend’s over-enthusiastic cooperation, we did it twice—once when I wore the Fitbit, and once when he did. And like any guy, he definitely did not complain.
We learned a lot during our night of research. I even had to stop to take notes… romantic, right?
When wearing a Fitbit, it takes about 10 minutes of movement for it to begin tracking your movement as exercise. Therefore, after 10 minutes of making out and some foreplay, our Fitbits started tracking our activities as “aerobic workouts.” Within the next 22 minutes or so, I burned an average of 173 calories during the two times we had sex, while my boyfriend burned an average of 181 calories. This included sex that lasted an average of 8 minutes—impressive, right? I’m a lucky gal.
As predicted, both our heart rates spiked, high enough to be in the fat burning zone, during our respective orgasms. My heart rate escalated as well when I was on top, while my boyfriend’s heart rate decreased. These numbers were reversed when the position was flipped since whoever was doing the most banging at the time got the most bucks—er, beats.
To put this into perspective, my resting heart rate is 77 beats per minute, while my boyfriend’s is 71 beats per minute. During our fooling around session, my average beats per minute escalated to 119 and my boyfriend’s to 122.
But seriously, what the fuck does this mean? In short, although sex may be fun, it cannot replace your regular run on the treadmill where you’d burn over 230 calories in the same amount of time.
So what did we learn? We should
have more sex reserve sex for pleasure and the gym for exercise. What you do between the sheets is not equivalent to what you do at the gym. It just isn’t. But the harder you work, the more you can justify skipping the gym to yourself.
If you thought your boyfriend got too obsessed with shit like fantasy football, March Madness, and falling asleep while watching golf on Sunday, you might not want to give him this new fitness tracker that will have him even more obsessed with the intricate functionings of his own penis. The i.Con Smart Condom is a Fitbit for a dick. Yes, this is real. Welcome to 2017, where doctors cannot pinpoint what precisely causes bacteria vaginosis—an infection more common than yeast infections—but we have dick fitness trackers. Cool. Thanks. Love it.
This smart condom answers those pressing questions guys face on a daily basis like:
What’s my thrust velocity? — You know what they say, it’s not the size that counts. It’s the thrust velocity.
How fast are my thrusts? — Umm maybe just ask the person you’re with?
What’s my girth? — Ew, that word is disgusting. Plus, couldn’t you just figure this out with measuring tape?
UM, OKAY WHOEVER MADE THIS. The last thing I really want when trying to get it in is the guy hammering away at my vag to be preoccupied with keeping his numbers up. “A guy who pays attention to my G-spot is nice, but what I really what is someone who indiscriminately pounds away like he’s trying to break a world record for pelvic thrust speed,” said no woman ever. Another thing no woman has ever thought: “What’s really missing from my sex life is a more competitive attitude.”
Second of all, I don’t need a “smart” condom. I’ve seen the Matrix. I know what happens when machines get too smart. Do we really want this with our dick technology? I’ll keep my condoms dumb, thanks. Also, are we not going to even mention how this supposed “smart” condom doesn’t even zap your fuckboy of all his sperm so you can’t get pregnant? No? Okay.
The i.Con Questionably Intelligent Condom also allows men to compare their sexual abilities with their friends and men from around the planet, which is what I thought locker rooms were for. This takes the “who has a bigger dick” competition thing and turns it into a whole new rodeo. But like, if I wanted my man training for a marathon in the bedroom I’d buy a fucking treadmill. Would prefer to not actually be the treadmill, TBH.
If you’re like me, you’re definitely wondering how the eff this thing even works. I think it’s just a ring-type thing that fits over a condom. Great, that sounds comfortable for everyone. So it’s basically like every time your Nuvaring fell out mid-smash and you had to peel it off your guy’s ween. Only, this time, he put a weird ring on his dick on purpose.
The thought that instead of getting an unwarranted dick pic in your DMs, you might now get unwarranted sex stats is unsettling to say the least. But, hey, at least you would get to know what you were signing up for beforehand.
“Hey dude, you seem nice and all, but your girth to thrust speed ratio is all over the place. I’ll hit you up in a month or so if I notice your stats change.”