I’m the first to admit it, I f*cking despise working out. Every time I leave for the gym I think, “hmmm or I could just accept my fate of morbid obesity and go to Krispy Kreme and eat an entire dozen in my bed.” It’s super tempting. But aside from vanity, working out helps your heart, your posture, and regulates your hormones. Whatever. I work in animation and the sight of the obese, permanently hunched-over men from spending their lives drawing and eating donuts (why are there always donuts in film studios???) traumatized me and now I go to the gym. I’ve been going 3-5 days a week for 5 years, and I’m still waiting for the “endorphins” and the “you’ll start to miss it if you don’t go” bullsh*t we’re fed. Hasn’t happened, every minute sucks, and yet, I still go. BUT. Sometimes having fun products or new outfits makes me feel better about wasting so much of my life lifting things and putting them back down. Here are some things you should buy to get you motivated to get back to the gym.
1. Nike Power Essential Crop Leggings
I love, love, love these leggings, and they’re 32% off. Nike is my favorite brand for workout clothes because everything is always cute, fits perfectly, and makes me look thinner than I am. The only downside is the price tag, which is why I wait for the sales on Hautelook or Nordstrom Rack. If you’re paying full price, you’re doing shopping wrong. These pants are so comfortable, cute, and suck everything in so I feel like all this working out is actually paying off.
2. S’well Water Bottle
S’well bottles are the best. They stay ice cold for 24 hours, which is essential when you’re trying to work out in 100 degree weather (side note: this is why you shouldn’t live in the valley, trust me). Plus, they come in a lot of fun colors and patterns. I am obsessed with mine and I love that I can even leave it in my car without it getting warm.
3. Skinnydip Gym & Tonic Bag
You need a cute gym bag to lug around your workout accessories—towel, boxing gloves, S’well bottle, weapons. I mean, I do martial arts sometimes, so that’s not even weird. This bag is hilarious and big enough to fit whatever you may need, especially if you’re the kind of psycho who showers at the gym (for the love of God, please bring shower shoes).
4. Nike Revolution 4 Running Sneaker
Gym shoes are always expensive af, but I guess you get a lot of use out of them (mostly for athleisure outfits, but it counts). This is another item I wait for the sales to buy. I don’t run because 1) it sucks, 2) it makes your breasts sag, 3) it’s bad for your joints, 4) I have a heart condition and can’t do high-impact activity or IDK I guess I’ll die or something (unclear). In that order. But with cute running shoes I look like a cool athletic chic who runs. These Nikes are so chic and are half price (depending on size).
5. Fitbit Versa Watch
Fitbits are super trendy, but they’re actually a good purchase if you need some motivation. They remind you to get up and move if you’ve been stagnant too long, track your calories, and give you goals to meet (like steps or whatever). Even if you’re super disciplined, it’s nice to have your progress tracked. I sit crumbled up in ball in my office chair, hunched over my screen, drawing or writing all f*cking day (and sometimes night). This is why I’m going to end up with back problems. I get so sidetracked it’s nice to have a reminder to get up and walk around. I love this one that looks like a chic watch but actually is keeping your ass in shape.
6. Beats Solo3 Wireless On-Ear Headphones
Beats are one of those products that I really, really wanted to hate. They were just so trendy and seemingly overpriced that I instantly despised them. Unfortunately, then my friend got a pair and they were such good headphones that I got jealous and bought my own. Also? They look so sleek and cool and come in a bunch of fun colors. Mine are old now, but if I were to buy a new pair, these wireless rose gold ones are beautiful and won’t get tangled while you’re being active.
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If you thought your boyfriend got too obsessed with shit like fantasy football, March Madness, and falling asleep while watching golf on Sunday, you might not want to give him this new fitness tracker that will have him even more obsessed with the intricate functionings of his own penis. The i.Con Smart Condom is a Fitbit for a dick. Yes, this is real. Welcome to 2017, where doctors cannot pinpoint what precisely causes bacteria vaginosis—an infection more common than yeast infections—but we have dick fitness trackers. Cool. Thanks. Love it.
This smart condom answers those pressing questions guys face on a daily basis like:
What’s my thrust velocity? — You know what they say, it’s not the size that counts. It’s the thrust velocity.
How fast are my thrusts? — Umm maybe just ask the person you’re with?
What’s my girth? — Ew, that word is disgusting. Plus, couldn’t you just figure this out with measuring tape?
UM, OKAY WHOEVER MADE THIS. The last thing I really want when trying to get it in is the guy hammering away at my vag to be preoccupied with keeping his numbers up. “A guy who pays attention to my G-spot is nice, but what I really what is someone who indiscriminately pounds away like he’s trying to break a world record for pelvic thrust speed,” said no woman ever. Another thing no woman has ever thought: “What’s really missing from my sex life is a more competitive attitude.”
Second of all, I don’t need a “smart” condom. I’ve seen the Matrix. I know what happens when machines get too smart. Do we really want this with our dick technology? I’ll keep my condoms dumb, thanks. Also, are we not going to even mention how this supposed “smart” condom doesn’t even zap your fuckboy of all his sperm so you can’t get pregnant? No? Okay.
The i.Con Questionably Intelligent Condom also allows men to compare their sexual abilities with their friends and men from around the planet, which is what I thought locker rooms were for. This takes the “who has a bigger dick” competition thing and turns it into a whole new rodeo. But like, if I wanted my man training for a marathon in the bedroom I’d buy a fucking treadmill. Would prefer to not actually be the treadmill, TBH.
If you’re like me, you’re definitely wondering how the eff this thing even works. I think it’s just a ring-type thing that fits over a condom. Great, that sounds comfortable for everyone. So it’s basically like every time your Nuvaring fell out mid-smash and you had to peel it off your guy’s ween. Only, this time, he put a weird ring on his dick on purpose.
The thought that instead of getting an unwarranted dick pic in your DMs, you might now get unwarranted sex stats is unsettling to say the least. But, hey, at least you would get to know what you were signing up for beforehand.
“Hey dude, you seem nice and all, but your girth to thrust speed ratio is all over the place. I’ll hit you up in a month or so if I notice your stats change.”
