An Exclusive First Look At Melania’s Dating App Profile

Now that the 45th president has been impeached (twice) and is officially on his way out of office, there’s a chance — after four years of half-assing a job she never wanted in the first place — Melania might make a break for it and get a divorce… especially if you consider the countless times she looked as if she’d rather be pricking herself with thorns in the Rose Garden than standing next to her own husband. For four years that have felt like entire lifetimes, we’ve watched her swat away his hand and look distressed after interacting with him. We’ve seen her overall body language change when they were together, with Twitter often responding: “Blink twice if you need help!” It’s possible their marriage could end when this administration does — even people in Vegas are betting on their split! 

Here’s her imagined dating profile as she “explores” what else might be floating around in the dating pool for a former First Lady. 

Tell us more about yourself in order to start finding love! 


Mel T.


49 (40 without heavy eyeliner)

About me: 


Honorary degree in (none of your) Business from Trump University


Former model, lady (first), cyberbullying expert, rose garden destroyer

My politics: 

I am fiscally bored and socially complicit. And moderately horny.

Notes on past relationships: 

Just climbing out of a 15-year marriage where I was the man’s third wife. In America, they say, “third time’s the charm,” but there is a similar saying in Slovenia: trikrat je preveč, Melania, prosim, ne delaj tega, which means, “three times is too many, Melania, please don’t do this.”

My love language: 

Gifts. Affirmation. People doing services for me. I can do without quality time and physical touch, per my last relationship. 

Looking for someone who…

Doesn’t have the blood of Americans on his hands. Or anything on his hands. I’m a germaphobe and not much of a hand-holder, honestly. 

I’m interested in those who…

Hate all the same things I do: the color orange, fast food, America, smiling, golf, Christmas.

I expect my partner to…

Always be best. Be best boyfriend. Be best caretaker. Be best quiet man.

Best place I’ve ever traveled to is…

My separate bedroom every night. 

First thing people notice about me when I walk in a room…

“Why is Melania in this Applebee’s?” (I hate America, but I do love classic American things, like eating at chain restaurants and lying.)

On a typical Friday night, I am…

Working on my vision board, which is just covered in pictures of me and ads for meditation apps. 

What’s the craziest thing you’ve done in the last year? 

You’ll have to ask my body double. 

What I love most about my friends is…

When they don’t secretly record me.  

Fun facts about me: 

I became a U.S. citizen in 2006. I regret it. I’ve had Covid. I miss my gold-plated toilet in New York City.

I am passionate about…

Children not being cyberbullied. (Adult bullying is fine.)

My favorite animal:

Anything I can wear.

My hobbies: 

I don’t care, do u?

My favorite book:

Stormy Daniels, Full Disclosure (audiobook), and any magazine with my picture in it.

My favorite song: 


My favorite TV show: 

90 Day Fiancé: The Other Way. (I dream of taking a nice, rich, boring American back to Slovenia and thriving.)

My ideal date:

Whatever day my ex signs all the paperwork. 

Two truths and a lie: 

I am six-feet tall. I love my ex’s children. I don’t know what “gaslighting” means. (Sorry, I thought it asked for all lies.)

You should message me if…

You would do something nice for me on my birthday instead of calling into Fox News to tell me happy birthday.

I am most proud of…

Being a fashion icon. I’m automatically attracted to beautiful clothes — I just start buying them. It’s like a magnet. Just buy. I don’t even wait. When you’re a star, they let you do it. You can wear anything. Pussy-bow blouses. You can do anything.

A quote I live by is…

“When they go low, we go high. – Michelle Obama” — Melania Trump 

Images: Evan El-Amin /

Michelle Obama’s $4k Balenciaga Boots Will Heal America

Boots. That is the sole subject (pun intended) of this article. Everything else is put on hold so that we can sit at our desks, slack jawed, thinking about the boots. If you don’t have any idea what I am talking about, you haven’t been on Instagram, and that is bragging, which is rude. We are talking about Michelle Obama’s boots. These are the boots.

Can we discuss @MichelleObama‘s boots last night?!


— Lauren Dudley???? (@Lauren9Dudley) December 20, 2018

Upon second thought, these aren’t boots, they are a religion. Michelle is the high priestess and we are but unworthy worshippers.

Okay, some fast facts about the boots:

  1. They are Balenciaga
  2. They cost $4,000
  3. Because I cannot see the end of the boots, I can only assume they are not only thigh-high, but actually extend all the way to heaven.

Here is another angle of the boots.

Well, I have never seen boots like this before. Have you? Love that ⁦@MichelleObama⁩ chose these for her last stop on her 2018 #IAmBecoming book tour in Brooklyn, NY.

— Valerie Jarrett (@ValerieJarrett) December 20, 2018

Here is a link to purchase the boots from Saks Fifth Avenue which I cannot stop you from doing. But know that you will simply be unable to reach the heights Michelle Obama can reach in these boots. You will be a mere imitator of greatness.

It only feels appropriate that Michelle wore them while being interviewed by Sarah Jessica Parker aka Carrie Bradshaw aka the inventor of shoes.It’s been a long and a tough year but seeing our former  forever First Lady in these boots almost makes it all worth it. My only request is that we replace the American flag with this image printed on fabric and fly it high above this great nation. Melania could never.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

We Don’t Deserve These Pics Of Michelle Obama Partying At A Beyoncé Concert

Joke’s on all of us for thinking we had a fun weekend, because if you weren’t in Paris, then you seriously messed up. First, France won the World Cup for only the second time in twenty years which is a great victory considering the United States team didn’t even qualify this year. I guess soccer just isn’t our thing when we’re too busy watching our country’s leadership crumble into a raging dumpster fire. Maybe we’ll get ’em in 2020, boys. Much more important than sports, though, is that The World Cup of music, Queen Bey, was in town and of course, she delivered. 

Beyoncé had a concert in Paris as part of her On the Run II Tour and fellow queens Michelle Obama and her daughter Sasha were in attendance. Sasha, I know you’re 17 years old and it’s not cool to party with your mom, but I hope you’re making an exception considering your mom is literally friends with Beyoncé. 

Here’s Michelle hanging out with Beyoncé’s mom, Tina Lawson.

Michelle Obama checking out Beyoncé at #OTRII in Paris? YES!

— Johanna Fuentes (@jfuentes) July 15, 2018

Here’s Michelle and Sasha, having the best mother-daughter bonding sesh of all time.

And can we just reflect on how beautiful Sasha Obama is? Hair is laid, sis. #OTRII

— Joi-Marie (@joimariewrites) July 15, 2018

The best part, though, probably has to be Michelle’s sweet moves. Even when Mama Bey Tina takes a seat during Jay-Z’s performance (good for her, considering) Michelle keeps dancing like the gracious angel she is.

.@MichelleObama & Ms. Tina dancing at Beyoncé & JAY-Z’s show in Paris tonight. #OTRII #Round2

— BEYONCÉ LEGION (@BeyLegion) July 15, 2018

It’s good to know that the Obamas can still have fun considering the act that followed them in the White House is bombing real hard right now. Also, Michelle, if you’re looking for a third daughter, we’re all very available.

Image result for michelle obama and beyonce gif

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

10 Sad Details We Just Learned About Melania Trump’s Life

Melania unveiled her “Be Best” platform yesterday, but a new profile in The Washington Post has us wondering…is Melania the saddest (rich) woman in the world? Aside from the fact that her husband is currently involved in a very public scandal in which he (allegedly) paid off a porn star to stfu about the fact that he slept with her just months after Melania had given birth, Melania’s life has a bunch of other sad details that make you wonder, “How bad should I feel for this woman?”

1. She And Trump Don’t Hang Out

It probably doesn’t surprise you to learn that Melania and Donald don’t spend much quality time these days. In fact, they barely see each other. According to several current and former White House aides, POTUS and FLOTUS rarely even eat together. That makes sense. You don’t get to look like the First Lady by indulging in the president’s favorite meal: 3,500 calories of McDonald’s.

2. They Even Travel Separately

Even when they’re going to the same place, President Trump and the First Lady travel separately. After the story about Trump sleeping with Playboy model Karen McDougal broke, Melania did not walk with Trump across the White House lawn to board Air Force One, instead meeting him on the plane.

Actual footage of Melania on that flight:

3. Trump Maybe Didn’t Get Her A Birthday Present

In an appearance on Fox and Friends which happened to take place on Melania’s birthday, the president said, “Maybe I didn’t get her so much. I got her a beautiful card. You know I’m very busy to be running out looking for presents.” Here’s hoping next year the president gets Melania the one thing she truly desires in this world: a divorce.

4. She’s Never In The West Wing

Melania apparently “rarely sets foot” in the West Wing, where her husband, Ivanka, and Jared conduct the majority of her bullshit. While she will go to the West Wing for “official duties”, she never checks in on the president, and spends most of her time in the East Wing, where she is renovating her own office. Motion for Aaron Sorkin to write a new show called The East Wing that’s just about Melania trying to avoid everyone in her family for four years.

5. She And Ivanka Aren’t Friends

According to The Washington Post, Ivanka and Melania, despite their similarities (both are former models, both have been hit on by Donald Trump), “do not have a close relationship.” When Melania chose not to move into the White House right away, some of her staff were diverted to Ivanka’s office in the White House. Drama, drama, drama…

6. Her Staff Friend Group Is Really Small

Melania has an unusually small staff for a first lady. She currently has a staff of 10 people, which is about half the size of Michelle Obama’s “at it’s peak”. During her husband’s rallies, Melania often holds “meetings with just a few people”. I imagine her invite says something like “It’s just a couple cool people who want to ignore the fact that my husband is destroying the world and you’d better be one of them, beyotch!”

7. She Really Is Doing This Cyberbullying Thing

Even though everyone cyberbullied Melania when they learned cyberbullying would be her focus as First Lady, that hasn’t stopped her from moving forward with the initiative. In March, Melania invited top executives from Twitter and Facebook to talk about internet safety. At the meeting she said she was “well aware that people are skeptical of me discussing this topic,” probably referring to the fact that her husband literally built a career cyberbullying people on Twitter. On Monday, Melania officially announced her “Be Best” platform, which focuses on well-being, social media, and opioids – aka all things her husband needs help with.

8. She’s Down With The Birther Stuff

Speaking of Donald Trump’s cyberbullying, Melania apparently has no issue with the birther stuff. In an interview in 2011, Melania told Joy Behar that “it would be very easy if President Obama would just show it,” and “it’s not only Donald that wants to see it.” They want to see it.” Casual reminder that Melania is an immigrant who brought her parents to the U.S. via chain migration.

9. She Signed A Crazy Prenup

It probably doesn’t surprise you to learn that Melania signed a prenup when she married POTUS 13 years ago, and while we don’t know what’s in it, I think we can all pretty much guess that there isn’t a lot of wiggle room for her to tell her side of the story if/when they divorce. I think I speak for all gossip hungry Americans when I say that if Melania were to spill tea on the president, I’m sure we’d all chip in on the GoFundMe for her legal fees.

10. She Tries To Give Trump Advice

Melania, whose approval rating is wayyyy higher than her husband’s, does try to give him advice from time to time. She apparently has given him advice regarding his tweets, and told him he should be “more concerned” about the Mueller investigation in late 2017. According to anonymous sources, Melania “does not trust” certain members of Trumps staff *cough*Jared*cough*, and that she particularly disliked Steve Bannon. Same, Melania. Same.

So obvs, Melania’s spokeswoman Stephanie Grisham has denied basically every single one of these details. Given the Trump Administration’s sterling reputation for honesty with the press, I guess we should take her at her word.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Images via: Giphy (4)

Michelle Obama’s Most Iconic Moments In Honor Of Her Birthday

In the real-life nightmare that is the year 2018, there isn’t a day that goes by where we don’t wish Barack and Michelle were still living in the White House. I mean, saying goodbye to Obama was hard enough, but losing the best First Lady of all time was literally painful. Michelle Obama is hands down the betchiest First Lady ever (Sorry, Jackie) and she was prob one of the only First Ladies that didn’t actually hate her husband. Aside from the fact that she has the best arms and somehow looks good with bangs, Michelle moved into the White House, immediately got a puppy, and started one of the most iconic eras in FLOTUS history. It’s Michelle’s birthday today, so we’re rounding up our fave Michelle moments to celebrate this woman. I mean, let’s not forget she was literally Barack’s supervisor before they started dating. Case closed. Let’s get started.

1. Her Carpool Karaoke

Michelle’s Carpool Karaoke segment with James Corden is one of our all-time favorites, and it’s really not because Missy Elliot decided to crash half-way through. First of all, the fact that Michelle is in this video at all is huge. Like, do you think Laura Bush would have ever made a cameo on a Carpool Karaoke video? The answer is no. Also, let’s just acknowledge the fact that Michelle sings every word to Stevie Wonder’s “Signed, Sealed, Delivered” and Beyoncé’s “Single Ladies.” Like, are we just gonna ignore the fact that she probably has both of their numbers on her phone? She’s so modest. She even slips in an endorsement for her Let Girls Learn initiative to educate girls in third-world countries. Insane.

2. Her Push-Ups On ‘Ellen’

The fact that the First Lady was on Ellen at all was basically unheard of before the Obama era, but now that we’ve established how cool they are, we’re not surprised Michelle killed it on one of her appearances on Ellen in 2012. She talks about her 5:30am wake-up to work out for an hour and a half every morning. Every. Morning. Are you kidding? I do one SoulCycle class on a Sunday at noon and need *at least* a week to recover. Ellen and Michelle start doing push-ups, and Michelle flawlessly does like, 10 more reps than Ellen. The best part is that when the audience counts 25 push-ups, she goes “I just stopped” like she could’ve gone all day.

3. Her Photo Shoot with Meryl Streep

There are really only a few women in the history of mankind that should be remembered as badass role models for future generations. Susan B Anthony…. Gloria Steinem…. Olivia Pope… Maybe even Blair Waldorf in the early seasons. The point is, Michelle and Meryl Streep are literally at the top of that list, and the fact that they did a photo shoot together in Vanity Fair is life-changing. I mean, they actually went to Africa together to work on their joint education initiative, so I guess you can say they had a more productive Christmas break than you ever will.

4. Her Advice at Glamour’s Event

A couple years ago, Michelle attended Glamour magazine’s The Power of an Educated Girl event in NYC, where she sat on stage next to Charlize Theron and  literally gave the best advice on education I’ve ever heard, and I like, went to college. She told all the girls in the room that “there is no boy at this age that is cute enough or interesting enough to stop you from getting your education.” I’d like that written on my tombstone.

5. Her Hangouts With The Miami Heat

One of Michelle’s most iconic moments obviously had to be when she invited to the Miami Heat team to the White House. She first filmed a video with them to promote her healthy eating initiative where she literally dunks on LeBron James, and then they filmed an even better mannequin challenge video that kind of made the whole trend okay to partake in. Not to compare the two, but I’m pretty sure the only guys Melania has brought into the White House so far have been her makeup artist and whoever installed her Christmas decorations. Just saying.

6. Her Lack of Sympathy for Melania Trump

Speaking of Melania, Michelle appeared on The Late Show With Stephen Colbert before the 2016 election and told him she has no sympathy for Melania for having to stand next to the president. She told him, “If I didn’t agree with what Barack was saying, I would not support his run, so I stand there proudly and I hope they are too … so no sympathy!”  The thing about Michelle is that she’s so composed and modest that she’s not even rude about Melania. Like, Colbert literally brings up the time when Melania plagiarized Michelle’s speech and asks if she’s sympathetic toward what has happened to her, and she just sarcastically replies, “Yeah…. That was tough.” Well played, Michelle. Well played.

7. Her ‘Parks & Rec’ Appearance

How can we forget about the time Michelle made an appearance on the Parks & Recreation finale? Michelle has made TV appearances on a few different shows over the years, but seeing her on Parks & Rec was epic, mostly because we don’t care about any of the other shows. Her appearance was only like 30 seconds and all she did was say a couple lines and high-five Amy Poehler, but it was epic to see her on the show and she killed it, as per usual.

Michelle, we miss you.