It’s an issue as old as the concept of dating itself: wtf are you supposed to do on the first time you go out with someone? Every part of meeting someone new can be stressful, but this particular question is especially tricky. After your friends go through all the trouble of finding you a promising match on Ship, you don’t want to blow it by choosing the wrong vibe for a first date. If you’re in desperate need of some relationship inspo this summer, here’s what some of your favorite celebs did for their first dates.
Ellen Degeneres & Portia de Rossi
Ellen and Portia have come a long way in their relationship. Back when they first started seeing each other, Portia hadn’t yet come out, so they didn’t go out in public. Instead, they just drove around getting to know each other. Luckily, these days they can be out and proud together, and they’re one of our favorite Hollywood couples.
Gisele Bündchen & Tom Brady
Gisele and Tom actually met on a blind date back in 2006. At the time, Gisele’s friends all thought she needed a boyfriend, so they set her up on three blind dates in a row. Who are Gisele’s friends, and how can I get them in my Ship crew? Tom was the third one, but luckily the first two didn’t work out. Now they’ve been married over a decade, and are still going strong.
Emily Blunt & John Krasinski
John Krasinski never thought he had a chance with Emily Blunt. When he finally asked her out, he took her to a shooting range, because he thought she would be so weirded out that he could blame the rejection on the date spot, and not himself. I guess his plan backfired in the best way, because they’re still together.
Offset & Cardi B
Offset and Cardi B don’t really have a normal life, and their first date was definitely no exception. After watching Cardi’s meteoric rise in the music industry, Offset invited her to go the Super Bowl in 2017 with him. Casual. It’s usually a struggle getting a guy to pay for a couple drinks, but we can all dream.
Kylie Jenner & Travis Scott
Kylie and Travis didn’t have a traditional first date, but clearly things worked out okay regardless. They hung out for the first time at Coachella in 2017, where Travis was performing. Things went so well that Kylie packed her bags and left on Travis’ tour bus. Their daughter Stormi was born less than a year later.
Jennifer Lopez & Alex Rodriguez
J.Lo and A-Rod are now happily engaged, but A-Rod didn’t realize their first date was even happening. They reconnected in 2017 at the Hotel Bel-Air, after initially meeting more than a decade before. J.Lo says he talked that first night about his desire to get remarried, and she obviously was listening.
Okay, so maybe some of these first dates are more practical than others, but there are some good ideas to work with here. When in doubt, just meet your Ship match for coffee or drinks, and see where the night takes you. Who knows? Maybe you’ll be the next Gisele and Tom.
Images: Shutterstock; portiaderossi, gisele, johnkrasinski, iamcardib, kyliejenner, jlo / Instagram
Way too often, dating advice can stray into an icky area. And by icky, I mean letting men sound off at random on the things they don’t like about women, so women can go ahead and make sure they never do any of those things. While I understand the impulse—some of my own articles are along similar lines—I thought it would be nice to take a break from deep dives into the male psyche and talk shit analyze men’s behavior instead. Here are some of the weirdest first date offenses committed by straight men, as told by my hilarious friends. It’s basically a transcript of your next brunch if everyone’s recent dates were exclusively terrible. So…your next brunch. Enjoy!
The “Friend Zone” Guy
“Once on a first date, a guy demanded to know about 20 minutes in whether or not I was attracted to him because he had been friend zoned too many times and needed to make sure it wasn’t going to happen again. And then I turned very red and said I wasn’t sure what to say, and then he later implied he was good at oral sex.” – Phoebe, Journalist
Outstanding. IMO, he could have said any one of these three things and gotten the same point across. Let’s break it down.
“Are you attracted to me? = “Often, women are not attracted to me.”
“I’ve been friend zoned too many times” = “Often, women are not attracted to me.”
“I’m good at oral sex.” = “Often, women are not attracted to me enough to want to have sex with me, so I try to convince them that I have other skills to make up for it. Also, I’m not very good at oral sex.”
And yet he went with all three. I guess men were never really known for their subtlety. Moving on!
The Guy Who Is Probably A Murderer
“There was this crazy German dude who asked to put noise canceling headphones and a blindfold on me before we hooked up. But again, not clear why because he took them off before we actually hooked up. He just made me sit in silence and dark for like 2 minutes beforehand.” – Whitney, Editor
Let’s dissect this a tiny bit. I’m very, very concerned about what he was doing for two minutes after blocking out her senses. TBH, my first thought was that he needed to take a massive dump but like, shouldn’t he have equipped her with nose clips then too? Other theories are that he needed to complete a quick drug deal, hustle another girl out of his room before she saw, or take pictures of her to add to his collection of polaroids of fully clothed women wearing headphones and blindfolds. All of which, ew. I’m going to disable all of my friends’ dating apps. It’s too scary out there.
The Awkward Guy
“The last date I went on, we got coffee, except he didn’t get coffee. He got a slice of banana bread and ate half and then slowly broke the rest down into crumbs with his fingers while we were talking.” – Jane, Hostess
“One introduced me to his parents.” – Victoria, Video Game Producer
Say what you will, but I think both offenses are equal level dealbreakers.
The Condescending Guy
“There was a guy who told me he was seeing other girls but he liked me the most because I was “pretty easy to talk to” and “know a little about music.” – Emily, Consultant
Like friend zone guy, you definitely, definitely know this guy. You probably worshipped him in high school, dated him in college, and reject him once a week now. This is the guy who confuses “opinions I have” with “good taste,” and constantly vocalizes whether or not things meet his standard. And by things, I mean women, which works out because that’s how he thinks of them.
The Wild Card
“ told me he voted for Ted Cruz.” – Lucinda, Grad Student
TBH I’m stuck on what would be worse: having your date tell you that they voted for Ted Cruz, or going on multiple dates with a guy who voted for Ted Cruz without ever knowing.
There you have it! The weirdest first date stories I got with a mass text, and they are…honestly, pretty awful. Let’s all take this as a reminder to brush up on our fake emergency calls and “bad sushi” lies. Like you’ve ever regretted a night in.
Images: Giphy (3)
First dates are rough. I mean, I don’t even really date, so I wouldn’t know. I’m assuming they are rough. They are especially rough if you’ve been in long-term relationships for most of your life and you’re used to the people you date knowing (and loving) everything about you without you having to put in any effort. It’s not like that when you first meet someone, though, and sometimes it can be difficult to find the line between “this is who I am” and telling someone “I come with an airport terminal’s worth of baggage”. You need to save that for when they’re already invested (#lifehack). It’s not that you should hide parts of yourself, but there are some topics that can wait for date five instead of date one. Here’s a non-comprehensive list of first date topics to avoid.
1. Family Drama
Look, if things work out and you bring him (or her) as your date to your cousin’s wedding, he will absolutely see that your mom was two hours late, showed up drunk, and threw a wine glass at the wall. Again. You don’t need to tell him this right off the bat. Family drama is obviously something you will need to confide in your partner about, but it’s just not really a fun topic when you first meet someone. Plus, it takes away from him getting to know you. You also don’t want him to think that you’re a shit-talker, disloyal to your family, or even worse, that you’ve inherited the wine-glass-throwing genes. He can find that out later when he already likes you.
2. Mental Health Problems
You have no idea how much I love talking about mental health. I’m so glad it’s open, honest discussion now, and we can all lean on each other through depression, anxiety, and whatever else. I am an open book about my own struggles, and I love when others are too. HOWEVER, I don’t start with this on a first date, and I wouldn’t recommend you do so either. Your mental health does not define you, and you do not have to lead with how Zoloft made you gain 20 pounds in six weeks and made you stop sleeping for a while. Yes, you’ll have to talk about it eventually. But on the first date, try to just get to know each other and save the heavy topics for when you’re more serious.
3. Anything About Children
This goes for both men and women. Do not say anything, and I mean anything, about children on your first date. The one exception is if you’re talking about ones you already have, in which case you should definitely tell them, but leave out the part where your deadbeat ex refuses to pay child support (see Family Drama above). Not speaking about children means you cannot ask them if they want kids, how many kids they want, if they plan on raising their children Jewish (and would they expect you to convert), or even how adorable your best friend’s kid is and how you can’t wait to have one of your own. No. These are important questions, but not for date one. It’s just not attractive if you seem like you want kids with anyone and don’t care who—the person you’re on a date with probably wants to believe you fell in love and want to reproduce with them specifically. He won’t be able to get to know you if all he can hear is your ovaries exploding all over the place. Save this talk for later and talk about happy hour deals or your awesome PhD dissertation instead.
Do not, and I mean DO NOT, bring up any insecurities of yours. And tbh, with this one, I don’t think you should bring it up ever to anyone except maybe your therapist. Don’t beat yourself up to people. If someone is on a date with you, they find you attractive. Do not talk them out of this. Don’t say, “Oh, I’m sorry, I don’t normally look like this, I typically wear more makeup,” etc. It really doesn’t matter what you look like, confidence alone is sexy. Telling him about your rigorous diet plan to drink only spicy juice for the next week to lose your love handles makes you look awful and insecure. If you do feel bloated or you’re broken out, don’t address it. He probably doesn’t care or notice. On that note, if you’re dating online, also make sure your pictures actually look like you. If you have creative angles hiding your body, or all your photos are of you at weddings with full makeup, straightened hair, and gowns, but you normally don’t wear makeup, leave your hair as whatever, and wear leggings every day, you run the risk of someone showing up and being disappointed in your appearance. Don’t lie about who you are. He has every right to like straightened-hair girls, just like you weed out anyone under six feet tall. Save yourself the heartache by making sure your pics show you IRL.
5. Fate, Astrology, Etc.
Don’t say it’s fate you met him. Do not say you’re so glad he’s a Taurus, because your last three exes were also Tauruses and also your best friend from college, and you know that is most compatible with your sign and when the planets line up and blah blah blah. And for the love of God, do not ask him the exact time he was born so you can chart his moon sign. If your date brings up their love of fate, astrology, whatever, then go ahead and talk about it. Otherwise, save this sort of thing for a later date. It can come off badly, like you’re not all there, but mostly it puts a lot of pressure on the situation. Telling someone you’ve just met that this is destiny and written in the stars makes it seem like you want to keep them locked up in your basement. I don’t make the rules here, it’s just how it is. Even if you genuinely believe this, there is no harm in keeping to yourself until he’s already invested in other great things about you.
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Images: Giphy (5)
Hi, I’m a guy, that perpetually frustrating creature you’re trying to date. And I’ve got a public service announcement on behalf of the male gender. Has your love life become a soul-sucking slog through an endless ocean of fuckboys and creepers? Have you scanned every post on /r/relationships but still can’t figure out why you’re dating game isn’t on point? Are you bored at work and looking for any excuse not to do another damn thing? Me too, friend. Me too. But I’ll shut up now and get to the point. I was asked to share my incredibly unique and in-short-supply male opinion on first date mistakes women are making without realizing. It’s time to take a good hard look at your life.
1. Always The One Planning The First Date
I know it’s the 2018 and we’re living in the glorious gender equality age of Beyoncé, but at the end of the day, the guy should plan the first date. Now I’m not saying you shouldn’t be a part of the decision making process. Let him know what you like, when you’re free, how much you love Tequila Tuesdays, etc. But if you’ve made it clear that you’re interested and meeting up with him still feels like trying to get a cat to walk on a leash, stop. Leave him in the litterbox where he belongs, and move on.
2. Only Talking About Yourself
It’s a date, not an interview for your cover issue of Vogue. How are you going to find out if I’m a serial killer or the love of your life by never asking me a single question? I know it might be surprising, but guys like talking about themselves too. Talking about yourself is like popping a pimple: it’s kind of gross, you’re not sure what’ll come out, but once you get going it feels pretty nice. Just throw me a couple questions. It’s only fair if we both get the chance to pretend we’re interesting.
3. Drinking Too Little
Now I’m not saying you gotta be Kanye at the 2009 VMAs, but if you’re having a good time and the guy asks if you want a second drink, take a chance. Or a shot. Get out of your head, and see where it goes. Don’t cut the date short because you’re worried he’ll think you’re a hot mess if you have an extra vodka soda. Remember brunch last Sunday? I don’t either. But it was fun AF and so are you. Don’t be afraid to show it.
4. Dressing Too Casually
It was the world’s longest day, and all you want to do is kick off those wedges, throw on some Soffe shorts, crawl into bed, and eat a lifetime supply of Halo Top. I get it. But you’ve got a date. And dates have a dress code. I’m glad Kappa formal was the best night of your life, but I shouldn’t find that out by reading your sweatshirt. Nobody wants to be on a date with someone who looks like they just left a sleepover. Yes, this advice is superficial, but what part of life isn’t? Dress up. Blow some minds. But don’t overthink it.
5. Bringing A Friend
I can’t believe I actually have to say this, but don’t bring a friend. Don’t. Even if he says it’s okay. It’s not. It’s bizarre, it’s confusing, and now some poor bastard is breaking his back attempting the Olympic level of mental gymnastics you’ve dumped in his lap. “But the Wi-Fi was out at our apartment, so she couldn’t binge watch the first season of West World! It would be a crime against humanity if I left her alone!” It’s intimidating enough trying to charm one woman, let alone two. If you’re that concerned about your roommate, leave her a book and a bottle of wine. She’ll be just fine. “Okay, but what if he’s a sketchy rando? There’s, like, safety in numbers.” If you trust the guy so little that you’re bringing your own body guard, maybe he should be on a watch list instead of your match list.
Images: Giphy (2)
This week Jordana and Jared discuss lingerie and who should text first after a first date. They answer questions from a listener trying to move on from a 10 month relationship and another one who has an issue with guys no longer being interested after three to four dates. They play red flag or dealbreaker about messy apartments, still living with your parents, and posting inspirational quotes.
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If you’re anything like me, you can barely tolerate like, 96% of the human population unless they genuinely have something to offer you. Like a free meal, for instance. Honestly, I’m not even asking for that much, especially since I’ve had to put up with a lot of bullshit in this excuse of a dating scene over the years, so really, it’s the least a guy could do.
We’ve worked our entire pretend adult lives on how to round the bases by the end of a dreaded first date—or even how to receive a simple text back, because apparently that concept is now as laborious as a goddamn calculus equation. But sometimes life backfires, and we end up regretting all of our questionable decisions, including the one that’s sitting right in front of us, incessantly chomping his romaine lettuce. In any similar case, aborting the mission is a must, especially if he’s about to attempt some suave move by the time the “well this was great” fib rolls around. So basically what I’m about to tell you to do is everything you’ve been taught not to do on a first date, but I can’t just stop here because I’m getting paid hourly, and bitches gotta eat. In order to spare yourself the fucking agonizing cheek turn at the end of the longest two hours of your life, I’ve come up with all the things I’ve unknowingly done before that will ensure no physical contact will follow, without leaving you feeling like a complete c-word. You’ll be so thankful you read this as you’re politely
ghosting rejecting him via text later on.
**This is to say you didn’t already go to the bathroom to “freshen up” and GTFO by way of back window.
1. Don’t Ask Him About Himself
If there’s one thing I truly pride myself on, besides disguising a brunch blackout every Sunday, it’s the ability to talk about myself for hours on end. This will especially come in handy when he runs through a list of job interview questions as if he didn’t already stalk you on social media beforehand. Give short Cliffnote answers, and when you wrap up a question, don’t follow up with the same question. In fact, don’t follow up with any question. The awkward silence in between inhaling your vodka soda(s) will drive him to plow through his entrée and skip dessert in no time.
2. Use Body Language Cues
I once dated a guy who rambled on about his Costco steamer for like, 45 minutes straight. HIS FUCKING STEAMER. I don’t know for sure, but there was prob a string of drool hanging from my mouth from dozing off, and I wish I was making this shit up. But this is the part of the date where your chronic resting bitch face comes in good use. If you have to, act like he’s talking about the steamer. Maybe prop your chin up on your hand, whip out that ugly double-chin yawn, IDK, check on your ratio of Instagram likes to minutes for all I care. Point soon-to-be taken.
3. Insist On Splitting The Bill
Nothing says “friend zoned, motherfucker” like insisting on going halfsies. Like, yeah, sitting through a monstrosity of a date without taking a butter knife to your eyeball should earn you a free meal at the very least, but he’ll get the message loud and clear if you just put forth some cash. Oh, and this can also be used as a test to see if he actually lets you pay—god, I’m the worst.
4. Give Him A False Time Constraint
Here’s the thing: I chose writing as a career because it’s cheaper than therapy and my friends are sick of my incessant bitching. I may live on a strict diet of whatever I can fit into my purse from the office cafeteria, but I use my profession to its full advantage (besides times like now when I generously impart my extensive wisdom upon you for a nominal fee), and will always blame cutting a bad date short on my “deadlines” when the situation is 9-1-1. Nine times out of 10, you’ll know within the first five minutes of a date if you can barely tolerate some narc who showed up in pink Chubbies to talk about his new personal training business before the bread even comes. I promise, a time constraint is a 100% proven quick dip-out when you’re being suffocated by a guy who shit on the service all night and gave an 8% tip.
5. Play The “Sick” Card
Has anyone in the history of anyone ever fucked with someone who says they have diarrhea? No. Case closed.
6. Be A Hot Mess
Now is the time to skip to like, year two of a relationship timeline and be yourself aka who you really are when your roommate is out of town for a week. Don’t know what I’m talking about? Yeah fucking right. Give your lady bits a little scratch, pick the black mascara goop our of your eye crevice and wipe it on your pants, I don’t fucking care. Just channel your true authentic self aka Marlon Wayans in White Chicks. Or just do as I would do and get obliterated on his dime.
7. Be An Ugly Mess
Remember that one time you found out about your ex’s blonde side chick and you were so mad, you catapulted a rock through his car window? You know, the kind of shit you take to the grave? So tell him. In full detail. Maybe throw in your political views out there while you’re at it. Oh, and while you’re ahead, let him know that your parents’ divorce was the root of all your trust issues and your utter disgust of the male species as a whole. Nothing is a bigger boner killer than spewing your baggage out onto the table before he even knows what you do for a living. This guy will be Forrest Gump-ing his ass out the door before you even have a chance to say, “drive safe!”
8. Start Talking Futuristic & Become Clingy
If you really want to nix this guy, you’re gonna have to do some damage control. Long ago, a wise woman once gifted a man she barely knew with a love fern and an entire Photoshopped family album only to fall in love in the process of pushing him away, because it’s a RomCom so JK on that. I’m not saying you have to go FULL Kate Hudson on his ass, but mentioning baby fever on the first date will definitely help get you one step closer. He’ll also probably shit himself once you discuss any sort of future commitment that involves him and/or bringing him to your best friend’s wedding in April. You get what I’m putting down, but on the flip side, if he actually agrees to spend a weekend with your closest friends celebrating their love after a first date, then we’ve got bigger problems, and I don’t get paid enough to help you with that.
Every betch has experienced this moment online dating: you swipe right, he swipes right, you get to talking and he doesn’t immediately seem like the type of person who would wear your skin as a suit. Ah, the romance. But then you inevitably get to the part of the conversation where you have to, like,
shatter the illusion meet them IRL. Ugh. And because we live in a world where flaming heaps of garbage can have dating apps you have to be super specific about where you want to meet up. Once I told a guy we should meet up for drinks and was not specific about the locale (though I was specific about the day) and it ended in nudes. Typical. Turns out the day I picked was the same day a freak blizzard hit NYC and everything shut down except for apparently the thirsty AF trolls on Bumble. The troll I was talking to suggested that I was a meteorologist in my spare time and thus knew the blizzard was hitting and in that case would I like to come over to his place to Netflix and chill? This request was then followed up with a mirror selfie of his semi-naked body. I so love being single.
The moral of this story is, be fucking specific about where you want to meet up for a first date. And because it’s 2017 and women have all the power. I mean not when it comes to reproductive rights or anything, but hey, at least we can confidently pick our first date location for a date with our Bumble Bro of the Month. We’ve already established all the places you 100 percent should not go on a first date lest your body parts end up for sale on Craigslist. So here’s a comprehensive guide to all the bars in the city that are perfect date locations whether you’re DTF, ready to find your next
victim boyfriend, or trying to make your ex jealous. Dating is so fun, y’all!
Date Vibe: I’m nervous you might be ugly
This bar is in Bed-Stuy so you’ll sound edgy AF for suggesting it and also like you know the “real” Brooklyn night scene. Dynaco has a soft spot in my heart because I’ve personally taken a lot of Bumble bros there, so don’t say I’ve never done any research. It’s got a very cool, hipster vibe, in the sense that the place has barely any lighting and the bar is cash only. Gotta love the hipsters. The good news here is that the shitty lighting can work in your favor. Like if you’re having one of those weeks where your body, skin, and hair are ganging up against you to sabotage your happiness. The bad news is your date might be banking on the same fucking thing. If you choose this spot you either need to be super naive trusting of a person’s profile pics or you need to have done some serious stalking on their social profiles beforehand just to make sure you aren’t kittenfished in any way.
2. THE STANDARD BIERGARTEN
Date Vibe: I’d make, like, the chillest fucking girlfriend ever.
The Standard Biergarten is one of my all-time favorite places in the city to blackout in have a good time in. It’’s basically a huge, open, free for all, and an easy enough space to disappear into the crowd if you aren’t vibing your date is short. Plus it’s fun AF, which makes it the perfect first date spot. This is definitely the type of place that says “I want to be your girlfriend” but subtly because you’re holding a beer mug the size of your head. If you suggest this place it makes you seem fun but, more importantly, chill. Like you’re not the type of girl that three weeks in will call him 20 times in a row and message his mom on Facebook for birthday gift recommendations. Lol, got ‘em.
Date Vibe: I’m DTF with video games & your head.
Have you ever dated a guy before that you literally could not give one shit about impressing? Like, you could call him drunk on New Year’s Eve, profess your undying love for him, and then not call him again for three weeks and he’d still be there waiting in the wings? AND you wouldn’t feel an ounce of embarrassment about your behavior? Yeah, Barcade is that dude of first dates. The beauty of this date spot is that you can take the bro you’re unsure about here and no one will be the wiser. Reminiscent of a vintage arcade, this place is chiller than your living room on Game of Thrones night. Don’t bring someone here if you see some sort of potential with them because this is a hookup only type of place. I, mean, it’s an establishment that promotes playing games for god’s sake. Think about it.
4. MIDDLE BRANCH<
Location: Murray Hill
Date Vibe: I’m here
for your money because we have a lot in common
Located in an unmarked two-story townhouse in Murray Hill (vomit), Middle Branch is the typical “cool NYC speakeasy” that you only ever go to to make your friends back home in suburbia feel jealous. And while you normally wouldn’t go to an establishment like this on your own (hello, you want me to pay HOW MUCH for a glass of pinot?), it’s a great place to meet up for a date. Middle Branch reeks of pretentiousness so bring the guy that makes you feel like the Blair to his Chuck Bass. Though I’m sure unlike Blair you’re interested in more than just this guy’s money (lol, k). The vibe here is sexy sophistication and if you choose this spot then you’ll look sexy and sophisticated too and not like the thought of buying a $12 glass of wine makes you want to break out into hives.
5. DOWN THE HATCH
Location: West Village
Date Vibe: Fuck it, let’s take shots
I literally only suggested this place because it’s close to work and that’s kind of their vibe: convenience. Like, Dynaco, it’s not a place to bring someone you might be serious about. But if you’re looking to make out with a virtual stranger have a fun time with your date then this is for sure the place for you. They’ve got foosball and beer pong in the back and happy hour is from 11AM – 8PM because this establishment would be nothing without their patrons undergrads with fake IDs. That said, it’s perfect for the 21 year old you just matched with who thinks you’re “wise” and “endearing” because you’re 25 and have a stable 9-5 job.
6. SALVATION TACO
Location: Murray Hill
Date Vibe: I’m
fun and flirty basic AF
Again, you’ll have to brave the douchebag Murray Hill crowd to get to this place, but odds are if you picked this establishment you were probably already meeting that douchebag for your date anyways. A mix between a rooftop happy hour spot and a restaurant with bangin’ tacos, suggesting Salvation Taco will make you seem fun and flirty when really you’re as basic as they come. I, mean, chips and gauc? Margaritas? Were you also in a sorority? Are you currently wearing some sort of Michael Kors designed item on your body? Yeah, you’re basic AF but odds are your date will be too distracted by the rooftop views and lively atmosphere to notice. Be sure to take advantage of the margaritas because one, they’re amazing and two, there’s no better way to start a relationship than by guzzling a substantial amount of tequila to mask your emotional insecurities.
READ: The Best First Date Bars To Lock Down A Finance Bro Husband
We’ve all been there. You swipe right, he swipes right. You start texting and he doesn’t attempt to immediately whip out a photo of his erect penis 3.5 seconds into the conversation. Jesus. He could be The One. But then he suggests an idea for your first date and it is horrifying. Like it makes you question everything you know about this person that you’ve never met IRL and whose existence you just discovered 7 days ago. You can’t trust anyone. Tbh if the suggestion is anything other than “let’s get drinks,” I’m not going. Like, you want me to show up to something where I might have to be sober? And talk to new people? And, like, have meaningful conversations? Nope, sorry. My personality is not cut out for that shit. I would rather you have just sent me that dick pic from the get-go so I would have already known you’re a fucking weirdo and moved on.
Personally, I’ve been asked on a lot of weird first dates. Like, dates that would surely have ended in the guy wearing my skin as a suit. And as it’s 2017, aka the era of thriving fuckboys, I can only imagine the worst is yet to come. So in order for you to protect yourselves from the fuckery that’s bound to ensue when you regularly use a dating app, these are six first date ideas that you should never ever agree to, ever:
1. Any Outdoor Excursion
First of all, if you’re into the “outdoors” and “doing things” then idk how we matched in the first place. I’m gonna take a wild guess here and assume that I was blackout when we matched or you had a dog in your profile picture. Just a guess. BUT if we did match and get to talking and you asked me to, like, go for a “hike” with you? Or go on a “boat ride in Central Park”? Honestly, I’m using the question marks here because I’m not entirely sure people do these things as I haven’t actively chosen to go outside in weeks. Asking for a friend, but do people do things anymore? Message me if you know! K, thx. REGARDLESS, if you think I’m trekking to some undisclosed outdoor location that a) does not include alcohol or b) has shitty wifi service then you are sorely mistaken, sir. I’ve seen this episode of Law & Order: SVU and it does not end well for the girl that follows a beautiful stranger into an electronic dead zone Central Park.
^Me when someone suggests going outside
2. Extravagant Trips To Europe
Contrary to what The Bachelor would have you believe, first date trips to foreign countries are not actually, like, safe to go on with a stranger. Let me go out on a limb here and say that a person who suggests this type of date is less likely to be The One and more likely to be The One To Sell You Into Sex Slavery. Just saying. And if you’re thinking, like, no one actually suggests things like this in real life then I applaud you because clearly you’re doing something right and not going flirting with psychopaths. Cheers! And though I’ve never personally been asked to meet someone in Europe for a first date (yet) this did really happen to a friend of mine. I wish I was joking. The scary thing is this friend was actually considering taking British Stranger Danger up on his offer. To which I responded with this:
But don’t take my word for it, I’m just a girl who’s successfully spent 25 years on this earth without being abducted and/or murdered. *screams internally* To be fair this girl did not end up murdered and/or someone’s sex slave. Shocking, I know. She actually had quite a lovely time, BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT. The point is that I stand by my earlier statement about girls ending up dead. If you’ve seen any Liam Neeson movie then you should know that nothing good happens to girls when they travel abroad with strangers or very slutty friends. So just as a rule of thumb, maybe never go abroad to meet someone for the first time, lest your face end up on a milk carton. Just say no, girls. Say no to drugs, say no to unsolicited dick pics, and say no to free Euro trips—words I literally never thought I’d speak. I guess there’s a first time for everything.
3. A Wedding
If someone asks you to be their date at a wedding, just know that this date will 100 percent end in the guy emotionally masturbating his problems all over you by the end of the night. No normal, emotionally stable human would ask a dead-ass stranger to be his date to a wedding. This isn’t senior year formal. You can’t just ask some rando in the library to be your date so your ex will get jealous of all your pics. This is a wedding. A sacred moment between two strangers that you do not know because you are just a random person at this wedding. Never forget that. Tbh I barely want to go to people’s’ weddings whom I actually know and care for, much less a random couple’s wedding with a guy who def lied about his height in his Bumble bio. Nope. That idea is garbage and so is the human who suggested it. Next.
4. Stoop Invites
What is a stoop invite, you ask? It’s when a guy literally asks you to come “sit on his stoop.” Because this is New York City and no one owns anything it’s not even his own stoop, it’s the building’s stoop. So basically he just asked you to come sit on a public slab of concrete with him because he is a cheap motherfucking asshole. Though, I am sure “sitting on his stoop” is some sort of euphemism for where he’d really like you to sit. Vomit. Either way it’s cheap and creepy and I am not fucking down for that.
Guy: So you, me, my dick stoop… what do you say?
5. A Dinner Date
You might think I’m over exaggerating, which to be fair 99 percent of the time I totally am, but not this time because, people, a dinner date is a trap and you SHOULD NOT FALL FOR IT. It seems innocent enough, maybe even a little romantic because it seems like he’s down to spend more money on you than the one half-priced beer from whatever’s on tap at happy hour. But drinks can last 15 minutes (depending on how fast you chug) while dinner can last HOURS. I mean, what if you hated this dude by the time the waiter brings out the complimentary bread basket? Are you telling me that in order to indulge in something I love, I have to sit through 90 minutes of some douchebag who only wants to talk about ~in minute detail~ his last deep sea fishing trip with his bros? Tbh I’ve done less for free bread sticks. Either way dinner is not a good first date option. Maybe a second or a third date, but it’s def not something I want to sit through with a fucking stranger.
6. An Invitation To Cross State Lines
I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again, but even my hoe-ass has limitations and I draw a hard line at the New York state border. I have been in many a healthy mature Snapchat relationships since moving to New York that somehow always end in the guy saying, “actually I’m living in Jersey right now.” Like, what do you want me to do here? Take the PATH? New Jersey Transit? That seems like a lot of effort for someone who probs lied about his job title and def used a photo from his senior year frat formal for his profile pic. NOPE. Life’s too uncertain rn and I can’t waste my time on this foolishness so it’s gonna be a no from me. Sorry pal.
Jesus. This is seriously making me want to delete all of my dating apps rn. I want to, but I won’t. Because I am a romantic masochist who likes wasting the best years of her life on guys whose best attempt at writing a bio is “I call myself Jared, but you can call me tonight ;)” *looks for the gun emoji*