Have you ever been on a first date that was also a last date? I know you have, don’t even try denying it. It is my personal opinion that all first dates, no matter who they are with, are horrible. Because you’ve never met, there is so much to talk about, yet you’ve been on the subject of his family’s dog for a full 20 minutes. (And don’t even get me started on the whole “what do you do for work?” topic.) But every once in a while, the stars align and you end up on a first date with someone who doesn’t make you want to rip your throat out. Now, if you’ve ever been on a truly amazing first date (before you share your cute first date stories in the comments, don’t), you know that you’re about to be stressed af about securing that second date.
Because I am normal human being (and a woman), I am a feminist in every way, but that doesn’t mean I will be the first to text after a good first date, and it sure as sh*t doesn’t mean I’m going to be the one suggesting the second date. Why, you ask? Because dating—at least in the beginning—is a game, and if you want to win, you need to figure out who you’re dealing with and play at their level. And winning, my loves, is what women do best. For those of you rolling your eyes because you “don’t play games,” everybody plays games. I’m not talking about taking three hours to respond to a text or pretending you have plans to make yourself seem like a ~hot commodity.~ No, I’m talking about human psychology: if you are fully yourself with all of your “I want a relationship” intentions too early, you’re putting a lot of pressure on the dude to either fold or raise right then and there.
One more poker reference, then I’ll speak English. In life, putting it all out there is considered a bad thing, because doing so implies you have no more tricks up your sleeve, but in poker, laying all your cards on the table means you won the game. Dating is like poker: in order to get to a place where you show your hand, you have to play the game. If you want to score a second date, play to win.
How Much To Text Between Dates
Let’s get the easy stuff out of the way first: This is a personal preference that doesn’t have a huge bearing on whether or not there will be a second date. You can usually tell right off the bat if guy is a texter or not. If he isn’t, don’t go out of your way to text him, because you will likely spend the majority of your downtime imagining the ways in which he mysteriously died and therefore, is not texting you back. Don’t get me wrong (I am a texter), texting is great and can be a good way to knock the stupid topics out of the way so you can get to the good stuff on the date, but if one or both of you are the kind of people who don’t like to text all day, just don’t do it. Tbh, I love when the guy I’m into texts me a lot because it gives me a little sense of security that he’s into me. But some people don’t like it because, I guess, they have jobs where they can’t be on their phones making small talk all day. Texting is all good and fine, but take the temperature of your situation in person because anyone can say anything behind the comfort of a screen.
However, if he takes like, days to respond, it’s probably safe to assume he’s not into you. Even if they’re “bad texters,” millennials f*cking live on their phones, so are these assholes really out here trying to convince us that they didn’t see our text until four days after we sent it? Bye!
When To Go On The Second Date
This depends on schedules. If you’re into finance bros (condolences), your first date could be on a Tuesday and the second date could be three months later. Those dudes are never free, but don’t worry, they’ll tell you all about how busy they are while they elusively avoid picking a date to see you again. However, if you like people with non-soul-sucking jobs, any time within a week is acceptable.
This may just be a me thing, but I think a first date should be during the week and the second date should be on a weekend. First dates during the week are clutch because if it sucks, you have an easy out (“oh man, it’s late on a school night!”) and if it’s fun, you both leave wanting a little more, which pretty much makes for a guaranteed second date.
How To Bring It Up
Honestly, acting like a second date hasn’t even crossed your mind is like the waiter putting warm bread on the table and no one reaching for it. In other words, it’s stupid. You both had a good time on the first date and are doing the whole back and forth of witty repartee, so why waste time skirting around setting a date for round two? If it seems like he needs a little nudge to get the courage to ask, guide the conversation there, but I wouldn’t be the one to straight-up say, “When are we hanging out again?” If you do that, it’s obviously fine, but just know that you’re basically taking on the role of date instigator for the rest of time. That’s a lot of work to give yourself early on.
But! That’s not to say you shouldn’t bring up the second date in some way. Women are nothing if not determined go-getters, so unless you and your date are texting about like, death, you can figure out a way to steer the conversation towards a second date. In my opinion, the easiest way to do that is to lightly reminisce about something you both like or talked about doing on the first date. If he’s not a complete f*cking idiot, he’ll pick up on what you’re doing and say something along the lines of, “Let’s do that. What are you up to Saturday?” To go back to my poker analogy, that is called winning the first hand.
When To Have Sex
This one is easy: whenever the f*ck you want. If you’re a woman circa the 1950s or Mike Pence circa now, I’d say to wait until marriage, but even then, probably just don’t do it because sex is dirty!! But honestly, it’s almost 2020 and we have bigger things to think about than f*cking before the fifth date. If you have sex with a guy on the first date and he decides he’s not into you because you’re a ~slut,~ then he’s a piece of sh*t and it’s good that your relationship ended before it even started. At the end of the day, if you have spent a few hours with someone and he thinks you’re cool, he’s not going to stop thinking that because you had sex with him. If anything, he’ll be pretty happy about it. I’ve never heard a guy whining to his friends about how disappointed he is because the really cool girl he just went on a date with put out. I mean, right?
Despite the Andie Anderson title of this story, there’s no way to micromanage your way into a second date. The only thing we can control is the sh*t we do and say, but no matter how charming, funny and/or smart you are on date #1, that doesn’t mean date #2 is a done deal. After all, science has already proven that men’s romantic preferences are confusing as f*ck, so don’t waste your time trying to be someone you think the guy you’re with may find more attractive than the person you actually are. At the end of the day, we can’t control how people we’re interested in respond to our vibe, so your best bet is to watch Clueless for tips! Just kidding. I hate to say it, but just be the most normal version of yourself and hope for the best.
Images: Wiktor Karkocha / Unsplash; Giphy (4)
Remember that scene in the Sex and the City movie when Carrie asks Jennifer Hudson why she moved to New York and she dead-ass said, “to fall in love”? Yeah…lol. Look, I moved here two years ago (for a job) and I’ve learned that in order to fall in love, you have to go on a first date. I miss college, a place where I could meet my boyfriend at a fraternity party while fully blacked out and not have to worry about it. Needless to say, we met, made out, ate leftover Chipotle in my dorm room and then dated for two years. Those were the f*cking days. Post-grad dating in New York is nothing like that, for a number of reasons (like the epidemic of guys who will ghost you after meeting your family but then watch all your Insta stories), but also because you will have to slog through lots of first dates.
So all of this made me think about why I hate first dates so much and I landed on the following: meeting up with a person, whether you have previously met or not, at a loud bar at 8pm on a Tuesday sucks. It just does. Unless you work until 8pm, in which case, I’m so sorry, no sound-minded person wants to put on makeup and a cute outfit and sip cocktails at the time you’re usually clicking “watch next episode” on Netflix. So then I thought: why don’t we just not do the whole “let’s get drinks” thing for a first date, and let me just say, I’ve never been happier. So if you’re interested in something other than screaming over each other over $14 cocktails, read on for NYC date options that are not at a bar.
1. Brooklyn Farmacy & Soda Fountain
Ok, I know this sounds aggressive, but maybe not! I’m a messy, disgusting eater, so I figure the guy who may end up dating me would probably like to find out if he can stand the sight of me deep-throating a cheeseburger sooner rather than later. I’m just looking out. Anyway, this Cobble Hill spot is too f*cking cute to pass up. Seriously, I am made of ice and even I loved it, but more importantly, Blake Lively loves it. Okay, so if you are unclear as to what this place actually is, allow me to enlighten you. Brooklyn Farmacy & Soda Fountain is an old-school diner in an authentic pharmacy circa the 1920s. According to the website, the exterior was ugly af, so the current owners redid it so that it matched the adorable interiors, which haven’t been touched (except for necessary changes, like electric and plumbing) since the pharmacy opened. This place serves classics like banana splits, corndogs, etc.
Since no one reading this was on the dating scene back in the days when the youths actually went on dates to places like this, you won’t be able to appreciate it from a nostalgic perspective, but you will be able to obsess over it from an aesthetic perspective. If you’re going to go here, don’t pretend you’re too cool to be there and order something stupid. Live it the f*ck up and get a root beer float with two straws and chase it with a big-ass order of fries. If there is no second date after going here, he ain’t worth sh*t. Next!
2. Kick Axe
I don’t know about y’all, but I love a good pun. You know what else I love? Winding up and hurling a three-pound axe across a room. Just fun girly things! Full disclosure, if you don’t have a sense of humor, this place isn’t for you. Unlike bowling (ew) or shooting (gag), no one is actually good at throwing an axe. But that’s why it’s so fun. This place is also really cool because, unlike your childhood bowling alley, there is an aesthetic here. If you’ve ever been to one of those wineries in Redhook, it kind of looks like that, except there’s a giant area blocked off for guests to catapult axes through the air with the greatest of ease. Book a reservation and eat/drink first and throw axes after. And if the date goes poorly, you already have a weapon in hand! (Kidding. Am I? …Yeah okay.)
3. Comedy Cellar
This is my favorite place in the world, which is saying a lot considering I’ve been to the Amsterdam Cheese Museum twice. Seriously, if I could get married at Comedy Cellar, I would. *Googles if Comedy Cellar does weddings* Look, this is truly a perfect place to go on a first date because you’ll know immediately if he/she has a sense of humor or is the type of asshole who heckles comedians. These are the only qualities you need to know about a person! You’ll also find out if he/she can hang pretty quickly because if you’re going to Comedy Cellar in a group of two, you will most likely be seated in the front row, which is essentially on the stage and there’s nothing better than Amy Schumer asking how you and your date met. You will get called out and if your date can roll with it, he/she’s a keeper! Comedy Cellar, or any comedy club for that matter, is also amazing because you don’t really have to talk. In fact, don’t talk! The comedians will yell at you and that’s embarrassing. I know what you’re thinking: but if we don’t talk, how will we get to know one another? Look, you don’t learn anything of substance on a first date, okay? You learn what kind of food they don’t like, how many siblings they have and, if you’re lucky, how over their ex they are. So Comedy Cellar is a good and realistic alternative to the classic, “what’s your favorite color?” kind of questions on a “let’s get drinks” first date. There’s also a bar next door where you can get drinks after, so chill.
4. The Belfry
Most bars have a trivia night and, in my opinion, you will find out everything you need to know about a person based on how they perform at trivia.The Belfry is a cool of-the-moment bar, but on Tuesdays, they have a flamin’ hot game of trivia! Of course, they have delicious discounted specials that change every week, so if you like cheap bar food that’s usually expensive while you realize you know absolutely nothing about World War I, the Belfry is for you. If you’re wondering why this place is different/better than other bars who do trivia, I’ll tell you. Those other places are horrifying sports bars that have inexplicably sticky floors and toilet paper everywhere. Like your college bar, only worse because you’re not in college anymore. The Belfry is actually a really cool bar and somewhere you wouldn’t be embarrassed to be if you ran into someone you know there any other night of the week. It’s chic, it’s delicious, and it’s actually pretty expensive, but 100% worth it.
5. Escape The Room
I’d have to say that I lost my innocence after seeing Brie Larson slay in Room. This movie freaked me out so much that I am truly shocked people are willing to pay money to get locked in a room with other people, relying on clues to get themselves out. However, I did an escape room once and it was f*cking fun. There were moments when I thought, “Yep, this is how I’m going to die,” but there were also moments when I realized that maybe I wouldn’t be the first to go if the Hunger Games were real! Escape rooms are a great first date because if you’re smart (hello), you get to show off how clever you are, which is such a turn-on, right? If you are both dumb and can’t figure out how to escape, they will let you out, and you can laugh about it after. After that, you can celebrate not dying with a drink or seven! And if your date sucks, you can take the escape room literally and run away after.
Images: Toa Heftiba / Unsplash; escapetheroomusa, belfrynyc, comedycellarusa, kickaxethrowing, brooklynfarmacy / Instagram
If you’ve been in the dating game for more than, um, 10 minutes, chances are you’ve had a bad first date. It happens to all of us, and sometimes it’s not even anyone’s fault. Or sometimes it is, because men are trash and they have no idea how horrible they truly are. I’m not speaking from personal experience, what are you talking about? Anyway, I think we all need to take a seat today, because a sweet girl named Bridget really had the world’s worst first date, maybe like, ever. There’s just no way to sugarcoat this: Bridget’s date took her to a funeral. Like, I’ve had some bad first dates, but I’ve never gone on a funeral date. A FUNERAL DATE!! Pardon me while I melt into the ground out of secondhand embarrassment and rage on behalf of Bridget. A moment of silence for her, please.
Luckily, Bridget’s friend posted their text conversation on Twitter, because this story is really glorious.
When my mate asked if she’d told me about her worst first date I didnt anticipate this… pic.twitter.com/aITBZF5nbC
— trash panda (@itssraych) November 27, 2018
Okay. So basically, the dude in question told Bridget to wear a black dress on the date, and she thought it was some romantic surprise. (Honestly, my first thought when reading that he prefaced their first date by telling her what to wear was that he was going to be a fake sugar daddy, so I guess this story could have been worse.) Instead, he didn’t tell her what was going on until the pulled into the FUNERAL HOME PARKING LOT. And because Bridget is a normal person who feels awkward about things, she stayed! In the messages that her friend posted on Twitter, she makes the point that it would feel a little weird to call an Uber to a funeral home. Like, I guess, but I’ve been in Ubers in way more compromising positions—I wouldn’t let a funeral home pickup stop me.
So anyway, Bridget had to sit through the whole service, comforting this literal stranger while he cried about his dead grandma. You guys, I am just so fully appalled by all of this. SHE EVEN MET HIS MOM. Apparently, the story was that this guy in question’s girlfriend dumped him a few weeks ago, and he didn’t want to explain this to his family, so he found a fake girlfriend to bring to the funeral. Look, if you’re too much of a p*ssy to tell your family about your breakup, that’s your own problem, but what the f*ck did Bridget do to deserve this torture? Justice for Bridget!!
The other crazy thing about this funeral date is that there is strictly no need to scam some poor girl in order to find someone to bring to a funeral! Like, I would bet the entire contents of my 401K that there is an entire category on Craigslist specifically dedicated to helping people find a funeral guest. It’s 2018, just be honest about your intentions!
Luckily, Bridget came to her senses and forced him to take her home before the wake (YIKES), because that would have been a whole thing. The text conversation cuts off after that, but I have a feeling there won’t be a second date between these two. Honestly, I hope this guy sees that this story went viral, because he deserves to get roasted long and hard for doing this to another person. No wonder his girlfriend left him, because he’s obviously a complete nutjob.
Images: @itssraych / Twitter; Giphy
With first dates come lots of nerves and pressure. You want to look cute, but not like you tried too hard. You want to seem interested so he asks you out again, but you don’t want to look desperate. With all these things on your mind, what you’re going to eat on the date is definitely the last thing you’re thinking about, but it shouldn’t be. What you order at the restaurant says a lot about you. But don’t worry, here’s a list of the worst foods to eat on a date so you’ll be prepared.
1. Side Salad
If you want to look like someone who eats like a rabbit, then go right ahead. Most restaurants have plenty of acceptable menu items for if you’re trying to lose three pounds, but just a side salad is not one of them. If you’re just ordering a side salad to go next to your water because you’re worried about the cost, then maybe going on a date at a restaurant isn’t for you. Besides, you don’t want to set expectations for your relationship that you don’t eat and you won’t cost him a lot. We both know neither of those are true.
2. The Most Expensive Thing On The Menu
Being overly cautious about what your meal will cost your date (assuming he’s paying) isn’t the best way to go about ordering on a date. But also, purposefully ordering the most expensive thing on the menu as some sort of test is not a cute look either. Unless you’ve already talked about ordering some famous special dish, don’t go for the most expensive item. You don’t want him to know how high-maintenance and pricey you are. Keep that on the DL until at least the third date.
3. Ribs Or Wings
I don’t think there is anyone on planet Earth who can come out of a dinner after eating ribs or chicken wings without looking like an animal. My boyfriend admitted to me that he still won’t eat ribs in front of me because he’s afraid I’d be so turned off. In my opinion, there are some things that you don’t need to share with your SO, and the murder scene you leave behind after a rib fest is definitely one of them.
4. Sushi
Specifically, maki rolls are the worst foods to eat on a date. Either the roll is too big to fit in your mouth, so you end up biting it in half and it falls apart, or you stuff it all in at once and look like a chipmunk. Both options are less than ideal.
5. Spaghetti
I don’t think I have ever left an Italian restaurant without some sort of pasta sauce on me. Similar to ribs, there is no ladylike way to eat spaghetti that will make your date think “Damn, I want to sleep with her rn.” How one is able to eat pasta without the slurping noise *gag* is beyond me. If Julia Roberts in Eat, Pray Love couldn’t take a mouthful of spaghetti without looking like a slob, then you definitely can’t.
Images: Giphy (2)
The annoying thing about dating advice, generally speaking, is that it tends to be 100% based on other peoples’ opinions. And if you’ve ever engaged in polite conversation, you’ll know that most peoples’ opinions fucking suck. I’ve read countless times that showing up late and mentioning horoscopes is a guaranteed dealbreaker, but my Scorpio boyfriend (tragic, I know) was kind enough to overlook all that, and we’ve been thriving ever since. So, I’m not here to give advice on dating specifically, an activity at which everyone unabashedly sucks. Instead, I’m here to make sure you actually make it to the point where you can decide whether or not you want a second date, rather than taking yourself out of the running with a too-soon friend request or some other amateur bullshit. Here are three ways you’re scaring guys off before you get a chance to reject them yourself. Take notes.
Overusing Social Media
Social media is tricky. You need a distraction from the all-consuming task of not triple-texting, so you decide to post an Instagram story that happens to highlight your breasts and/or totally raging social life. And which you then go on to update every 30 minutes. Totally harmless right? Wrong. If triple-texting is unattractive because it looks like you’re too into him, non-stop social media is unattractive because it looks like you’re way too into your phone/yourself. (Which like, you are, but let him find that out on his own.)
Social media stories typically fall into two acceptable categories. If they’re actually interesting/entertaining (what the kids refer to as “quality content”), post away. Keep in mind that this typically requires you having an interesting job or life, such as interacting with celebrities. Just my two cents. If your stories fall more into the “day in the life but my hair looks good” category, you’re going to really want to limit it to the highlights. ONE selfie er day. ONE meal pic every three days, and the sunlight better be hitting your avocado toast JUST right. You get the idea.
Guys watching a story you updated every two minutes aren’t admiring your fun, cool life. They’re picturing you standing in the middle of that scene with your eyeballs glued to your phone. More importantly, they’re picturing dating you as an unpaid photographer gig with a side of watching you scroll through filters. (Again, this is accurate, but it’s also a reality that men need to be phased into slowly. If they’re aware of what’s happening before it’s too late to stop it, you’re doing it wrong.)
You’re not Kim K. You can’t get away with this.
Planning Out Every Last Detail
On average, it takes me and my boyfriend maybe 60 texts to nail down a dinner date. I reject the first 15 restaurant suggestions, he suggests between seven and 12 different meeting points, I get preemptively snarky about his outfit, and the fun rolls on. Fine and good when you’ve tricked someone into you’re in a committed relationship. Early on, though, anything above a single-digit number of texts to make a plan is going to be off-putting. This includes everything from the first “when should we get together” text to when you’re actually, physically speaking. Which means you should leave room for one “I’m here” text when you arrive, and should absolutely not be texting “do you want me to get a table or meet at the bar? LMK!” once you do arrive.
Texting back and forth over every detail makes you seem like you can’t make a decision without outside input, and runs the risk of exhausting him so much that the idea of meeting you in person no longer seems fun. This includes texts moving around the meet-up time, suggesting more than two locations (or including more than a five-word description of either one), or in any way reiterating the plans you’ve literally just made. (The boy can both scroll up and read, right? If not, get higher standards.) If you’re taking the initiative to make the plan, actually make the plan. And if he’s taking charge, either agree to something quickly or decide his suggestions all suck and just cancel altogether. Anything else will just breed irritation when your name pops up on their phone.
Your crush if you don’t ease TF up:
Taking The “Cool Girl” Thing Too Literally
Congratulations, you are a grown-ass woman. Everything in your life falls perfectly into place, seemingly without effort. You don’t need this man’s validation, and you won’t be crushed if this date doesn’t go well. You’re down for anything that comes up, but you’re just as down to walk away. You are the perfect embodiment of everything men are supposed to want women to be. Well—SURPRISE, BITCH! This is 2018, and perfect is no longer good enough. While I maintain that the above is a great attitude to hold internally, there are two glaring issues. One, this is true for exactly no one; you likely try very hard for everything you’ve achieved, and care at least a little, and hiding that is dumb. Two, it leaves very little room for you to make a meaningful connection. If someone’s going to get to know you, you have to show some vulnerability.
That means you can’t just be “fine with whatever” when it comes to spending the night, going out again, or picking your first vacation spot. You have to be honest about what you want, even if that means maybe not getting it. While being the Cool Girl might keep a guy interested in chasing you for a decently long time, maintaining the Cool Girl virtually guarantees that he’ll never be actually interested in dating you. In fact, he has no idea who the fuck you are beyond a girl who answers his texts less quickly than his other matches, and is therefore intriguing. Somewhere, some bitch who probably has an adorable Southern accent will outplay you by answering his texts just as slowly but then confessing that she’s getting attached on date three with a giggle that makes him feel like a Big Special Man. It’s all about balance.
This is where being a Cool Girl gets you. Covered in blood and hugging Ben “I specialize in on- and off-screen adultery” Affleck. Don’t be the Cool Girl, ladies!
Once you’re on the actual date, everyone has a million highly specific preferences for what person they want you to be. (You do too, don’t lie.) But with these tips, you’ll hopefully at least make it on the date before you fuck it up. Good luck out there!
Images: Giphy (3)
First dates are rough. I mean, I don’t even really date, so I wouldn’t know. I’m assuming they are rough. They are especially rough if you’ve been in long-term relationships for most of your life and you’re used to the people you date knowing (and loving) everything about you without you having to put in any effort. It’s not like that when you first meet someone, though, and sometimes it can be difficult to find the line between “this is who I am” and telling someone “I come with an airport terminal’s worth of baggage”. You need to save that for when they’re already invested (#lifehack). It’s not that you should hide parts of yourself, but there are some topics that can wait for date five instead of date one. Here’s a non-comprehensive list of first date topics to avoid.
1. Family Drama
Look, if things work out and you bring him (or her) as your date to your cousin’s wedding, he will absolutely see that your mom was two hours late, showed up drunk, and threw a wine glass at the wall. Again. You don’t need to tell him this right off the bat. Family drama is obviously something you will need to confide in your partner about, but it’s just not really a fun topic when you first meet someone. Plus, it takes away from him getting to know you. You also don’t want him to think that you’re a shit-talker, disloyal to your family, or even worse, that you’ve inherited the wine-glass-throwing genes. He can find that out later when he already likes you.
2. Mental Health Problems
You have no idea how much I love talking about mental health. I’m so glad it’s open, honest discussion now, and we can all lean on each other through depression, anxiety, and whatever else. I am an open book about my own struggles, and I love when others are too. HOWEVER, I don’t start with this on a first date, and I wouldn’t recommend you do so either. Your mental health does not define you, and you do not have to lead with how Zoloft made you gain 20 pounds in six weeks and made you stop sleeping for a while. Yes, you’ll have to talk about it eventually. But on the first date, try to just get to know each other and save the heavy topics for when you’re more serious.
3. Anything About Children
This goes for both men and women. Do not say anything, and I mean anything, about children on your first date. The one exception is if you’re talking about ones you already have, in which case you should definitely tell them, but leave out the part where your deadbeat ex refuses to pay child support (see Family Drama above). Not speaking about children means you cannot ask them if they want kids, how many kids they want, if they plan on raising their children Jewish (and would they expect you to convert), or even how adorable your best friend’s kid is and how you can’t wait to have one of your own. No. These are important questions, but not for date one. It’s just not attractive if you seem like you want kids with anyone and don’t care who—the person you’re on a date with probably wants to believe you fell in love and want to reproduce with them specifically. He won’t be able to get to know you if all he can hear is your ovaries exploding all over the place. Save this talk for later and talk about happy hour deals or your awesome PhD dissertation instead.
4. Insecurities
Do not, and I mean DO NOT, bring up any insecurities of yours. And tbh, with this one, I don’t think you should bring it up ever to anyone except maybe your therapist. Don’t beat yourself up to people. If someone is on a date with you, they find you attractive. Do not talk them out of this. Don’t say, “Oh, I’m sorry, I don’t normally look like this, I typically wear more makeup,” etc. It really doesn’t matter what you look like, confidence alone is sexy. Telling him about your rigorous diet plan to drink only spicy juice for the next week to lose your love handles makes you look awful and insecure. If you do feel bloated or you’re broken out, don’t address it. He probably doesn’t care or notice. On that note, if you’re dating online, also make sure your pictures actually look like you. If you have creative angles hiding your body, or all your photos are of you at weddings with full makeup, straightened hair, and gowns, but you normally don’t wear makeup, leave your hair as whatever, and wear leggings every day, you run the risk of someone showing up and being disappointed in your appearance. Don’t lie about who you are. He has every right to like straightened-hair girls, just like you weed out anyone under six feet tall. Save yourself the heartache by making sure your pics show you IRL.
5. Fate, Astrology, Etc.
Don’t say it’s fate you met him. Do not say you’re so glad he’s a Taurus, because your last three exes were also Tauruses and also your best friend from college, and you know that is most compatible with your sign and when the planets line up and blah blah blah. And for the love of God, do not ask him the exact time he was born so you can chart his moon sign. If your date brings up their love of fate, astrology, whatever, then go ahead and talk about it. Otherwise, save this sort of thing for a later date. It can come off badly, like you’re not all there, but mostly it puts a lot of pressure on the situation. Telling someone you’ve just met that this is destiny and written in the stars makes it seem like you want to keep them locked up in your basement. I don’t make the rules here, it’s just how it is. Even if you genuinely believe this, there is no harm in keeping to yourself until he’s already invested in other great things about you.
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Hi, I’m a guy, that perpetually frustrating creature you’re trying to date. And I’ve got a public service announcement on behalf of the male gender. Has your love life become a soul-sucking slog through an endless ocean of fuckboys and creepers? Have you scanned every post on /r/relationships but still can’t figure out why you’re dating game isn’t on point? Are you bored at work and looking for any excuse not to do another damn thing? Me too, friend. Me too. But I’ll shut up now and get to the point. I was asked to share my incredibly unique and in-short-supply male opinion on first date mistakes women are making without realizing. It’s time to take a good hard look at your life.
1. Always The One Planning The First Date
I know it’s the 2018 and we’re living in the glorious gender equality age of Beyoncé, but at the end of the day, the guy should plan the first date. Now I’m not saying you shouldn’t be a part of the decision making process. Let him know what you like, when you’re free, how much you love Tequila Tuesdays, etc. But if you’ve made it clear that you’re interested and meeting up with him still feels like trying to get a cat to walk on a leash, stop. Leave him in the litterbox where he belongs, and move on.
2. Only Talking About Yourself
It’s a date, not an interview for your cover issue of Vogue. How are you going to find out if I’m a serial killer or the love of your life by never asking me a single question? I know it might be surprising, but guys like talking about themselves too. Talking about yourself is like popping a pimple: it’s kind of gross, you’re not sure what’ll come out, but once you get going it feels pretty nice. Just throw me a couple questions. It’s only fair if we both get the chance to pretend we’re interesting.
3. Drinking Too Little
Now I’m not saying you gotta be Kanye at the 2009 VMAs, but if you’re having a good time and the guy asks if you want a second drink, take a chance. Or a shot. Get out of your head, and see where it goes. Don’t cut the date short because you’re worried he’ll think you’re a hot mess if you have an extra vodka soda. Remember brunch last Sunday? I don’t either. But it was fun AF and so are you. Don’t be afraid to show it.
4. Dressing Too Casually
It was the world’s longest day, and all you want to do is kick off those wedges, throw on some Soffe shorts, crawl into bed, and eat a lifetime supply of Halo Top. I get it. But you’ve got a date. And dates have a dress code. I’m glad Kappa formal was the best night of your life, but I shouldn’t find that out by reading your sweatshirt. Nobody wants to be on a date with someone who looks like they just left a sleepover. Yes, this advice is superficial, but what part of life isn’t? Dress up. Blow some minds. But don’t overthink it.
5. Bringing A Friend
I can’t believe I actually have to say this, but don’t bring a friend. Don’t. Even if he says it’s okay. It’s not. It’s bizarre, it’s confusing, and now some poor bastard is breaking his back attempting the Olympic level of mental gymnastics you’ve dumped in his lap. “But the Wi-Fi was out at our apartment, so she couldn’t binge watch the first season of West World! It would be a crime against humanity if I left her alone!” It’s intimidating enough trying to charm one woman, let alone two. If you’re that concerned about your roommate, leave her a book and a bottle of wine. She’ll be just fine. “Okay, but what if he’s a sketchy rando? There’s, like, safety in numbers.” If you trust the guy so little that you’re bringing your own body guard, maybe he should be on a watch list instead of your match list.
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If you grew up watching Sex and the City or Gossip Girl, you probably had a pretty warped idea of what dating in NYC looked like. (If you didn’t, cancel whatever date you had in mind. You have some catching up to do). In a perfect world On TV, your handsome (if soulless) evening companion just picks you up in a town car and whisks you off to a mystery location—for which you happen to be perfectly dressed, of course—and logistics never really come into it. But in the real world (SIGH) of office jobs and medium-cute (but definitely soulless) Hinge dates, date nights are not only significantly less glamorous—they can actually start to resemble real work. IMO, one of the most anxiety-producing aspects of dating in the city is the dreaded “ok where do you wanna meet” text, because now in addition to finding an outfit that perfectly captures how cool and desirable I am my essence, I need to find a location that matches it too. Since I assume you hate doing work as much as I do, I went ahead and made you a list of chicest date bars in NYC to save you those pre-date panic attacks. Read on and thank me later.
1. Tanner Smith’s
Pretty much every part of Tanner Smith’s is a win—great drinks, great food (if you’re into that), and decor that is pretty without being overwhelming. Since the upstairs can get a little packed, take your dates through the red door to the cocktail bar downstairs—it’s much more intimate, with sexy lighting and even sexier bartenders (in case your date turns out to be a dud). Also, if you don’t like whiskey but always wanted to pretend you did, order the Brown Eyed Girl—it’s so delicious you won’t care what kind of liquor you’re drinking, and you’ll look and sound like even more of a badass for ordering it.
2. Library Bar at Hudson Hotel
This is a perfect date bar for a few reasons: it’s quiet, which means you won’t be awkwardly screaming your hometowns at each other; it’s sexy without being trashy, since it’s basically a place of learning (library, duh); and it’s so spread out that you’re absolutely guaranteed privacy in whatever plush armchairs/couches you choose. Since the entrance is lightly difficult to find, you get the bonus of seeming like a quintessential New Yorker as you lead him to this secluded spot—and it goes without saying that the cocktails themselves are amazing too.
3. Dear Irving
While the speakeasy theme has been done to death in New York, Dear Irving is one of the few places that really pulls it off. This means that “hidden entrance” isn’t code for “unmarked door with rude-ass bouncer”; the outside just looks like the entrance to a fancy brownstone, and then it opens up into a bar so gorgeous that you should probably go with friends a few times first and rid yourself of the need to ‘Gram it to death. This spot just off Union Square is both conveniently located and 10 times as classy as anything else in the area—the only downside is that there can be a bit of a wait if you don’t make a reservation, so maybe save this one for someone’s who’s commitment-friendly enough to actually call and set a definitive time to meet.
4. PHD Terrace Midtown
Midtown PHD is basically like going to a downtown club on a night when it’s reserved for a private party. Since it’s not packed with versions of you on a Saturday night the trash you’d find in Meatpacking, you can actually notice how pretty it is, not to mention actually find seating and enjoy the stunning views of the city. This spot is on the pricier side, so come here a few dates in when you’re feeling confident enough that he’s not the kind of guy who will make you split the check roll his eyes at the vibe (notably, the neon pink “it was all a dream” sign at the entrance), then enjoy making out in a corner with the world’s best skyline behind you.
5. The Roof
While this is ideally saved for summer so you can enjoy the outdoors (one of the best rooftops in the city, and never overly packed), the old-school bar and leather couches inside are still cozy and old-New-York enough to merit a visit year-round—and the floor-to-ceiling windows won’t disappoint on view no matter the season. While small (and also a little pricey), this bar on top of the Viceroy Hotel is blissfully tourist-free and once again, something you wouldn’t really know is there unless you’d been before, giving you another opportunity to impress your date with your insider tour of the city. It’s an absolute must for any European Hinge matches in town for 48 hours, and (like every bar on this list, because I’m amazing), everything about the vibe just makes you feel sexy. Basically, it’s the perfect place to split a bottle of champagne and fall in love with New York all over again.
For what it’s worth, you should always remember that it’s perfectly acceptable to fake a work emergency in response to a “where are we meeting” text until they take the hint and pick a place themselves. But since they’ll probably pick a shitty sports bar that you judge so much you end up cancelling, I’d go ahead and just start suggesting these spots instead—even if the guy sucks, you’re basically guaranteed to have a good night. Also, please do me a favor and coordinate what nights you go here; I’m not trying to find a new set of places where the bartender knows my name.
Images: Wine Dharma / Unsplash; Hudson Hotel, PHD Terrace New York / Instagram
