Good morning, idiot hookers, and once again congratulations for making it to Thursday, which is basically Friday. It’s officially (almost) the end of another long AF week and I’ve spent the last few days avoiding answering work emails in favor of Googling “how to marry rich.” Classic. For those of you who aren’t living in the city that never sleeps with the same person twice, New York can be like, v hard to meet people. Especially if you’re aiming higher than a fuckboy on Bumble. NYC is supposed to be the land of possibilities and one of those possibilities should be landing your own wolf of Wall Street. You know, if your wolf looks less like Leo Dicaprio and more like Chuck Bass with a dad bod left over from college and a casual coke problem. A girl can dream.
Tbh finance bros aren’t really my type. My standard for guys is lower—more like drunkest guy at happy hour. Obviously, my mother is v proud. But because I
value my journalistic duty like to drink I still definitely hang out at bars where the finance bros gather to drink overpriced beer and whiskey. So here’s a list of the best bars to lock down a finance bro husband so you never have to pretend to love your job again.
1. Dorrian’s Red Hand
Location: Upper East Side
Type of Wealth: He probs has a trust fund
Contrary to what Gossip Girl led us to believe, the Upper East Side is not actually the be-all and end-all of the New York social scene. Sorry, B, but I’m gonna have to disagree with you on this. Because, yes, there are finance bros who Serena probs drunkenly slept with in the 10th grade that hang out there but those guys are probably also like, 40. Or they act 40. Either way, I did not sign up to get shitfaced and also talk about where I think the stock market is going this year. Jesus. Just tell me I’m pretty and buy me a drink. That’s literally all it takes. (Again, my mother is so proud.) In case you need me to paint a clearer picture for you, you know that guy with the dad bod and casual coke problem that I mentioned before? That’s the type that frequents Dorrian’s Red Hand. The type that’s posted up by the bar 3-4 days a week drinking over-priced whiskey sours and talking about his boarding school glory days. Hurry, girls, get him while he’s still single!
2. The Jane Hotel
Location: West Village
Type of Wealth: He could be related to Chuck Bass
The West Village/Chelsea is going to be the best hunting ground for rich AF husband material. Something about the low-key models running around in athleisure gear taking their damn time in the Starbucks line at 9am just screams money. Idk why. And the Jane Hotel is a staple among the rich and the kind of boring. You know it’s boujee AF because there’s a fucking dress code to get in and champagne is like, $12 a glass. Keeping with the Gossip Girl analogies here, the Chuck Basses of the world def frequent The Jane. But like, season one Chuck Bass who wore an unreasonable amount of Ralph Lauren polo shirts and tried to low-key rape high school freshmen. Charming.
Random Bar Bro:
3. The Ainsworth
Type of Wealth: He bought votes to win his frat’s presidential election
First of all, the vibe of this place is just confusing. There’s like, chandeliers and shit but also dudes in button downs aggressively drinking beer and watching Sports Center. I can honestly say I’ve only ever been to this bar once and it was on St. Patrick’s Day when I was
blackout celebrating the Irish spirit, which tbh are really the best circumstances for feeling out a crowd. For example, I watched a grown man in a nice suit wait in line for 15 minutes for the WOMEN’S BATHROOM. Which should speak to the intelligence of the bar’s clientele and also how much that crowd likes to drink. That being said, he also looked like the kind of guy who would offer to pay for more than just a shot of Fireball or the shittiest beer on tap so, like, I was here for it. I imagine this is the kind of bar where that 19-year-old with a really great fake that you met at Houston Hall one time goes when he grows up hits 25 and has a crisis of conscience. Hope to see ya soon, buddy!
4. PJ Clarke’s
Type of Wealth: He casually owns a boat
I had to include another outdoor bar because I so enjoy day drinking for the Insta. Not only does this bar guarantee you a new riverside profile pic, but it also guarantees you a lot of time spent in the company of men who wear shit like this:
Sadly, I’d probably hit that with the right amount of alcohol in my system. *laughs uncomfortably* Similar to The Frying Pan, there’s definitely a preppy Southern vibe here but unlike at The Frying Pan, these people aren’t fronting to be rich assholes because actually are rich assholes. Definitely hit this place up on summer Fridays and be sure to wear your sluttiest pastels. This crowd will eat that shit up.
5. Brother Jimmy’s
Location: Midtown East
Type of Wealth: He’ll offer to split the rent with you in Jersey
Andddd we’re back to this hell hole of an establishment. In a previous post I mentioned that this bar is a place where New Jersey commuting douchebags hang out and also maybe Trump supporters. Well, in a complete and totally expected turn of events, these Jersey commuting assholes and worshipers of a human Cheeto also work in finance. It’s really a special place. If you go there, prepare to spend a fuck ton of money on a very shitty vodka soda and have forced conversation with some guy trying to sell you on coming back to his place… in HOBOKEN. Look, I have nothing against Hoboken. I once
dated was in a Snapchat relationship with a guy who lived in Hoboken who was always saying stuff like “it’s not that far” but I’m pretty sure New Jersey Transit is involved and I do not fuck with that. Okay, so I may have made that last part up. I could be the PATH? Truthfully, I have no idea how you get to Hoboken but I assume it’s about as traumatic as the one time I did try to take New Jersey Transit and got lost by the TGI Friday’s in Penn Station. Regardless, there’s only so far I’m willing to take my hoe ass and I draw a hard line at the New York state border.
If all else fails you can just wander down Stone Street. It’s the mecca for after-hours finance dudes looking to forget the fact that their 200K+ salary won’t replace their personalities. You’ll know you’ve found the place when you see a group of sad looking guys in suits drinking tiny cocktails that cost the same amount of money as my share of the cable bill.
Every betch has experienced this moment online dating: you swipe right, he swipes right, you get to talking and he doesn’t immediately seem like the type of person who would wear your skin as a suit. Ah, the romance. But then you inevitably get to the part of the conversation where you have to, like,
shatter the illusion meet them IRL. Ugh. And because we live in a world where flaming heaps of garbage can have dating apps you have to be super specific about where you want to meet up. Once I told a guy we should meet up for drinks and was not specific about the locale (though I was specific about the day) and it ended in nudes. Typical. Turns out the day I picked was the same day a freak blizzard hit NYC and everything shut down except for apparently the thirsty AF trolls on Bumble. The troll I was talking to suggested that I was a meteorologist in my spare time and thus knew the blizzard was hitting and in that case would I like to come over to his place to Netflix and chill? This request was then followed up with a mirror selfie of his semi-naked body. I so love being single.
The moral of this story is, be fucking specific about where you want to meet up for a first date. And because it’s 2017 and women have all the power. I mean not when it comes to reproductive rights or anything, but hey, at least we can confidently pick our first date location for a date with our Bumble Bro of the Month. We’ve already established all the places you 100 percent should not go on a first date lest your body parts end up for sale on Craigslist. So here’s a comprehensive guide to all the bars in the city that are perfect date locations whether you’re DTF, ready to find your next
victim boyfriend, or trying to make your ex jealous. Dating is so fun, y’all!
Date Vibe: I’m nervous you might be ugly
This bar is in Bed-Stuy so you’ll sound edgy AF for suggesting it and also like you know the “real” Brooklyn night scene. Dynaco has a soft spot in my heart because I’ve personally taken a lot of Bumble bros there, so don’t say I’ve never done any research. It’s got a very cool, hipster vibe, in the sense that the place has barely any lighting and the bar is cash only. Gotta love the hipsters. The good news here is that the shitty lighting can work in your favor. Like if you’re having one of those weeks where your body, skin, and hair are ganging up against you to sabotage your happiness. The bad news is your date might be banking on the same fucking thing. If you choose this spot you either need to be super naive trusting of a person’s profile pics or you need to have done some serious stalking on their social profiles beforehand just to make sure you aren’t kittenfished in any way.
2. THE STANDARD BIERGARTEN
Date Vibe: I’d make, like, the chillest fucking girlfriend ever.
The Standard Biergarten is one of my all-time favorite places in the city to blackout in have a good time in. It’’s basically a huge, open, free for all, and an easy enough space to disappear into the crowd if you aren’t vibing your date is short. Plus it’s fun AF, which makes it the perfect first date spot. This is definitely the type of place that says “I want to be your girlfriend” but subtly because you’re holding a beer mug the size of your head. If you suggest this place it makes you seem fun but, more importantly, chill. Like you’re not the type of girl that three weeks in will call him 20 times in a row and message his mom on Facebook for birthday gift recommendations. Lol, got ‘em.
Date Vibe: I’m DTF with video games & your head.
Have you ever dated a guy before that you literally could not give one shit about impressing? Like, you could call him drunk on New Year’s Eve, profess your undying love for him, and then not call him again for three weeks and he’d still be there waiting in the wings? AND you wouldn’t feel an ounce of embarrassment about your behavior? Yeah, Barcade is that dude of first dates. The beauty of this date spot is that you can take the bro you’re unsure about here and no one will be the wiser. Reminiscent of a vintage arcade, this place is chiller than your living room on Game of Thrones night. Don’t bring someone here if you see some sort of potential with them because this is a hookup only type of place. I, mean, it’s an establishment that promotes playing games for god’s sake. Think about it.
4. MIDDLE BRANCH<
Location: Murray Hill
Date Vibe: I’m here
for your money because we have a lot in common
Located in an unmarked two-story townhouse in Murray Hill (vomit), Middle Branch is the typical “cool NYC speakeasy” that you only ever go to to make your friends back home in suburbia feel jealous. And while you normally wouldn’t go to an establishment like this on your own (hello, you want me to pay HOW MUCH for a glass of pinot?), it’s a great place to meet up for a date. Middle Branch reeks of pretentiousness so bring the guy that makes you feel like the Blair to his Chuck Bass. Though I’m sure unlike Blair you’re interested in more than just this guy’s money (lol, k). The vibe here is sexy sophistication and if you choose this spot then you’ll look sexy and sophisticated too and not like the thought of buying a $12 glass of wine makes you want to break out into hives.
5. DOWN THE HATCH
Location: West Village
Date Vibe: Fuck it, let’s take shots
I literally only suggested this place because it’s close to work and that’s kind of their vibe: convenience. Like, Dynaco, it’s not a place to bring someone you might be serious about. But if you’re looking to make out with a virtual stranger have a fun time with your date then this is for sure the place for you. They’ve got foosball and beer pong in the back and happy hour is from 11AM – 8PM because this establishment would be nothing without their patrons undergrads with fake IDs. That said, it’s perfect for the 21 year old you just matched with who thinks you’re “wise” and “endearing” because you’re 25 and have a stable 9-5 job.
6. SALVATION TACO
Location: Murray Hill
Date Vibe: I’m
fun and flirty basic AF
Again, you’ll have to brave the douchebag Murray Hill crowd to get to this place, but odds are if you picked this establishment you were probably already meeting that douchebag for your date anyways. A mix between a rooftop happy hour spot and a restaurant with bangin’ tacos, suggesting Salvation Taco will make you seem fun and flirty when really you’re as basic as they come. I, mean, chips and gauc? Margaritas? Were you also in a sorority? Are you currently wearing some sort of Michael Kors designed item on your body? Yeah, you’re basic AF but odds are your date will be too distracted by the rooftop views and lively atmosphere to notice. Be sure to take advantage of the margaritas because one, they’re amazing and two, there’s no better way to start a relationship than by guzzling a substantial amount of tequila to mask your emotional insecurities.
READ: The Best First Date Bars To Lock Down A Finance Bro Husband
Ah, New York City. The true mecca for those dedicated to the fuckboy lifestyle (aka most men I’ve met in my life). Whether you live here or are just visiting, different parts of the city can offer you completely different fuckboy experiences. Do you want to meet a rich fuckboy who will pay for everything but act like an asshole, or do you want to meet a broke artist fuckboy who will attempt to charm you with his personality? These are the questions a night out in NYC poses. Lucky for you, we’ve compiled a helpful guide to the fuckboys of New York, so that you can be prepared no matter where you’re happy hour-ing.
Midtown – The Finance Fuckboy
Much like the Themyscira is the ancestral homeland of the Amazons (go see Wonder Woman), Manhattan is the island of fuckboys. Nowhere is this more true than in Midtown, where fuckboys roam freely, unburdened by the need to pretend to be a respectable human or to not be talking to his “boy” on a Bluetooth on a crowded train. The finance fuckboy is the fuckboy in his purest form. You can find him (and every single one of his aforementioned “boys”) hanging out in a suit at any way-too-expensive bar that has a TV. Once he spots you across the bar, he’ll start laying down mad cash on drinks in an attempt to compensate for his thoroughly
deformed average penis. When you ultimately decide that you’re too tired/self-respecting to go home with him, he’ll pitch a fit at the bar and try to demand you Venmo him for all the drinks. He’ll get so heated that a bouncer will have to escort him out, but you’ll be able to hear him yelling “MY DAD IS A LAWYER” from outside the bar for the remainder of Happy Hour.
Lower East Side – The Fake-Out Fuckboy
This fuckboy looks like bae, he smells like bae, but this fuckboy is not bae. Oh sure, he’ll throw you off guard by hitting you up on Bumble with an actually good pick up line and take you to a cozy little bar that makes you think, “Wow! culture!” And yeah, the fact that his apartment is legit decorated with art that is in frames will make you think he’s looking for something real, but beware. His dates are so good because he’s done this before. A lot. This fuckboy is the type who goes wayyyyy out of his way to pretend he really likes you, but once the deal has been sealed, the “nice guy” Snapchat filter he’s been wearing for your entire date will come off and suddenly there’s this gross horny monster in your face talking about how condoms don’t feel good. Soon enough, you’ll realize that his mom decorated (and pays for) the entire apartment and all the earring backs you keep finding in his bedroom def don’t belong to his sister. But hey, at least he stuck around long enough to take a really good profile pic of you in front of Big Gay Ice Cream Shop. That, at least, is worth something.
West Village – The Maybe Gay Fuckboy
You may or may not have met this fuckboy during Pride, which should have been your first clue that his emotional unavailability wasn’t the only red flag about this guy. Your friends all tell you their immediate first thought upon meeting him was “gay” but you dismiss them because this guy is actually nice to you and doesn’t pressure you for sex and so what if he gets weekly manicures, lots of guys like to take care of their cuticles, KAREN. You’ll go to drinks with this fuckboy for like, a month or two and almost every time you’ll get drunk and make out with him, which will only further fuel your delusions about his sexuality. Eventually, though, when it’s been two months and you’ve slept over at his place a number of times and literally only slept, it will be impossible to deny the truth any longer. You’ll try to “stay friends” until one night he cancels on you and you blow up his phone with a 1,000 word novella about how you’re disappointed in him for not respecting your time, after which point he will ghost you, which will only make you more infuriated because you just wanted to be friends and weren’t even into him like that. Right?
Harlem – The Fuckboy With Roommates
This fuckboy has a very chill vibe, which is what initially attracted you to him. Unfortunately, he also comes with 5-15 roommates who share a busted-ass railroad apartment on a lot that used to be a trash dump. You know the cool parts of Harlem? The ones they always show in movies or that rich white people take low-key racist bus tours of? Yeah, this fuckboy does not live there. This fuckboy lives in a straight-up house of horrors complete with 25 molding pizza boxes and absolutely 0 privacy. Picture this: the two of you have made it through the minefield that is his living room, and you’re finally ready to begin the hookup but you have to suddenly stop because there’s a knock at the door. WTF? Turns out his roommate needs to walk through fuckboy’s room in order to get to his own room. What? Who did this? Why would anyone design an apartment this way? You’ll finish this hookup because, well, you’re not gonna take an hour long ride on the D train for nothing, and then ghost this guy so hard he’ll develop the ability to walk through walls. Which will actually be helpful, given his living situation.
Astoria – The Far Away Fuckboy
You met this fuckboy out in Manhattan or Brooklyn somewhere and thought, “hmmm…this interaction has been surprisingly normal…” The two of you are dancing and taking shots and things are going great. You suggest moving the party to his place, and that’s when he hits you with the “I live in Astoria.” Record scratch. Oh lawd, say it ain’t so. But you’re going to have transfer trains like…twice to get there!!? How much is an Uber?!? $35!?!? Is he worth it? Is any man worth it? You’ll decide yes because he like, smells nice and bought you a drink and stuff. The relationship will actually kind of take off, and you’ll start to tell yourself the commute is worth it and that Bohemian Beer Garden is actually pretty cool, until one night when you fall asleep on the N train and wake up in Coney Island. Then you’ll be forced to send a long “it’s just not working out” text. Because a face-to-face meet up would take too much time and effort.
Williamsburg/Greenpoint – The Hipster Fuckboy
The Williamsburg/Greenpoint area, or as I like to call it, Hipster Disneyland, is the #1 spot to pick up a fuckboy whose entire personality seems to be geared around having a Girls episode based on him (shh, don’t tell him it’s over). When you first meet him, he’ll present himself as a successful artist type who “totally forgot” he was wearing his “This Is What A Feminist Looks Like” T-shirt today. He’ll talk a big game about how “Bernie would’ve won” and try to make you go to a Democratic Socialist’s meeting, and you’ll assume he has like $0 and busks on the subway or something. That’s why his shoes are all fucked up and falling apart, right? Wrong. Once you do get back to his Williamsburg one bedroom on the water, you’ll realize that he actually works for that evil ad agency from Mad Men and is low-key the wealthiest person in your contacts. You’ll delete his number in a fit of rage after thinking back on all the times he made you split the bill.
Bushwick – The Dirty Hipster Fuckboy
This fuckboy is exactly like the Williamsburg/Greenpoint fuckboy, but is actually poor and smells terrible. He will make you come see his shitty band, or worse yet, his long-form improv team, and after a mere two dates you will realize that he only owns one shirt. After a horrible evening spent dry humping on his floor mattress, you will be forced to rethink every life decision you’ve made up until this point. On the bright side, his apartment is right next to a Planned Parenthood so you can get checked for crabs ASAP.
The Bronx – The Native Fuckboy
One of the most interesting things about living in NYC is that approximately .001% of the people you meet are actually from there. Cue the native fuckboy, who comes into your life to show you that being from New York means more than wearing black and screaming at pedestrians (though that, of course, is some of it). This guy will actually like, show you a good time and shit just by virtue of the fact that he actually knows the city and isn’t running through the same 5 date spots your non-native Bumble fuckboys have been throwing at you since 2014. Things will be going great until he, out of nowhere, catches feelings and invites you to his cousin’s 5th birthday party, which makes you realize, “oh fuck, his family is here and is like…important to him.” You’ll start putting clues together until you come to the horrible realization that the reason you’ve never gone to his place is because his place = his mom’s place. You’ll end this relationship quickly by telling him you’re allergic to children but can he please still send you all those cute pics of you at the botanical garden.
Staten Island – The Fuck No Fuckboy
Does this fuckboy even go here? Homeboy is so thirsty he took a fucking ferry just to go clubbing. This guy will roll up with a spray tan and chain necklace that screams “I voted for Trump.” You and your friends will talk and take selfies with him because honestly you haven’t seen anyone like him since Jersey Shore and his accent is bringing you back. You’ll take the joke too far by actually sleeping with him (at which point it is no longer a joke, girl, it’s your life) and he’ll spend 20 minutes the next morning trying to figure out where he parked his car. You’ll never see this fuckboy again, but he’ll be a consistent source of likes on your selfies, and that’s really what matters most.