Something shocking happened on last night’s episode of The Bachelor. No, not Arie’s sadistic staged breakup—last night, I started finding Lauren B. relatable. I know. Lauren B., the human toaster? Lauren B., the very advanced robot whose “pat eye corner” function looks almost like a real human crying? Hear me out. While I’m in no way defending ABC’s choice to build a TV show around her, I’m starting to understand her. Here’s a rundown of why you’re probably more like Lauren B. than Becca.*

*Is Lauren B.’s sudden relatability a heavily edited hoax to make me hate Arie less? Probably, but that’s fine because I’m never going to hate Arie less.

Exhibit A: Lauren B. Meets The Parents

Let’s get one thing clear from the start: Lauren B. is relatable as a person; she’s not good TV. (I actually think her on-screen dullness is relatable in and of itself. I too suspect I would not be good TV.) So while her visit with Arie’s family was an exercise in not falling asleep in your wine, it seemed realistic. He’s worried she’ll be too shy. They touch a little more than appropriate. She cries from nerves. She’s shocked when it goes well. All of these things happen pretty much every time my boyfriend introduces me to anyone (I know, I’m a treat).

Lauren B. looks like a walking Google Image search for “cheerleader,” so you assume she must be bubbly or bitchy. And she’s definitely not bubbly. But (hot take) I don’t think she’s bitchy either. I think she’s awkward AF, and genuinely shy, and I have no idea why she signed up for this show. Just look at Becca in comparison—within five minutes, the family has her pegged as the “confident, outgoing” one. She wears a blazer and talks about her nerves with a confidence that no one with real nerves ever has. Becca is a strong, independent woman who takes Arie apple picking as a date. Lauren B. is bad in social situations, requires constant reassurance in relationships, and makes Arie ride a beach pony as a date. Which one did you say was more relatable?

Exhibit B: Becca’s Description Of Lauren B.

When poor Becca is forced to discuss her boyfriend’s other girlfriend, she’s extremely graceful about it. After diplomatically stating how different they are (true), Becca finally admits that their differences aren’t the only issue. (I would think them both dating the same man would torpedo any burgeoning friendship, but somehow that doesn’t come up.) They didn’t become friends because “other people were easier to get to know,” according to Becca. In the real world, that’s a normal thing to say. But this is Girl World, and here, that means a few things. 1) Lauren has serious RBF. 2) Becca and the other girls talked shit about her and thought she was unfriendly and boring. 3) Lauren was never here to make friends, and probably couldn’t have if she wanted to.

As someone who attended five different summer camps without making new friends, OH MY GOD did I find that Becca comment relatable. We saw a little bit of this side of Lauren as they neared the finish line and she started telling the producers how she wanted everyone else gone. And not in interview mode—just Lauren B. talking to a producer in the hall after the rose ceremony. AKA, definitive proof that she had no friends in the house (probably why we hear her speak so little). She talks to the producers only, because they’re paid to manipulate her be nice to her, and Arie maxes out her social interactions for the week. Honestly, feels. I always thought the girls cry-hugging and saying “love you” as they leave was the least realistic part. I take between 10 and 100 years to reach that kind of intimacy with other people.

Becca: I made so many friends!

Lauren:

Exhibit C: Lauren B. Gets Dumped

Obviously, these girls are always the most relatable when they’re being dumped. (Just me? Back to therapy it is.) But Lauren in particular said something I found both hilarious and insightful: “I feel like he’s making the easier choice,” she says. Judging from everything Arie’s said about both relationships, that seems on point. But Lauren is the one to say it, and to isolate that factor—Becca is easier—without judgment. Lauren doesn’t say it cattily, or imply that Becca’s  relationships are superficial because of it. She doesn’t weigh it as a judgment against herself that she’s more difficult. She just seems genuinely disappointed in Arie for not figuring out what he wanted sooner. And isn’t that just the betchiest thing you’ve ever heard?

Lauren B. knows she’s a challenge. She’s been upfront that she’s a challenge. If Arie doesn’t pick her, it’s not that he didn’t love her. Arie just couldn’t rise to the occasion. He didn’t want to work that hard. He wasn’t capable or willing. To say “I think he made the easier choice,” and hate him for it instead of hating yourself takes courage. Everyone go write that down for the next time a fuckboy blows you off. “It seems like he’s making the easier choice,” you’ll say breezily at brunch. Because if you’re being honest, you want a boyfriend who works his ass off for you. In snack runs alone, my boyfriend has put in too much time and money to call our relationship easy. A guy who isn’t up for that is failing your test, not the other way around—and Arie failed Lauren B.’s.

So, was this article just a plug for Lauren B. and Arie getting their own spin-off? Absolutely not and I’d die before watching that. But as horrendously blah as she is on-screen, think carefully about how your own anxiety and subpar people skills. Lauren B. is not a cardboard cutout. She’s just a person who does poorly in the spotlight and opted to be on national TV.
Images: Giphy (3); Getty

This week on Riverdale, it’s the mid-season finale, and the promo is promising a lot of things—like the discovery of the Black Hood’s identity and also the Christmas from hell. Honestly, I’m not sure how they’re going to top last week’s episode (in which Betty reenacted Ariel Winter’s Instagram story) but I would love to see the writers at The CW at least try. So do we think we’ll really find out who the Black Hood is? Do I actually care? Only time will tell.

Lol, I love guys. Jughead is just like, “So Archie, how are you and Veronica?” And Archie replies with a “we’ve been better.” Um, YOU’RE NOT TOGETHER ANYMORE. Were you not listening to the same breakup speech I was? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!

Cut to the girls who are literally like, “yeah, we’re broken up with our boyfriends now.” This is the problem with male/female relationships right here. We say, “no;” they hear, “yes.” Too soon?

This Secret Santa looks like my version of hell. I guess, unlike my grandmother, no one ever told the gingers in this town they shouldn’t wear red? Also, everyone looks festive AF except for Jughead and Veronica who are wearing all black. I approve.

Meanwhile, Betty and Archie are eye-fucking each other over the shittiest looking children’s book I’ve ever seen. If this is some sort of weird foreplay before a Barchie hookup, then I am not here for it.

And really, Archie, you gave Betty something YOU FOUND IN YOUR GARAGE? Like we get it, you’re poor. But spring for a $5 giftcard to Starbucks or something for fuck’s sake. Just because Betty sometimes takes her clothes off at Open Mic night, that doesn’t make her cheap!

Mr. Svenson, the janitor, is missing because Archie outed him to The Black Hood. He’s like, “I think we messed up. I think we got him killed!” And it’s like, yeah, no fucking shit you did. I don’t know why I expect so much from them. It’s like, sometimes I forget that they aren’t members of an elite squad known as the special victims unit and are actually just high school sophomores.

RIVERDALE : *tries to normalize teenagers solving murder cases*

ME:

Okay, why are all these no matches girls still giving Christmas presents to their exes? I mean, this is either the most desperate or conniving thing I’ve seen in a long while.

Also, what does it say about their relationships that both Betty and Jughead got gifts for each other, but Archie got Veronica nothing but attitude and angst? You’re better than this, V!

Cheryl being bitter over her mother not getting her any Christmas gifts is the reason why I love her. Like, half your family is dead, but god forbid your mother skimp out on the gifts this year. That’s the real tragedy!

MRS. BLOSSOM: We’re poor. How do you expect me to pay for everything?

CHERYL: You could get a job. You know, other than the one where you’re a terrible mother.

Somehow, when I would bitch to my mother about how she confused “Burberry trench coat” with “Hot Topic sales rack” the conversation never went this way?

Betty gets a Secret Santa gift from the Black Hood, and it’s an actual human finger. Aggressive. I’m not sure the Black Hood understands how Secret Santa works? Perhaps next year they should try a white elephant.

Also, does Betty go to the police with the finger? Or show her mother? Does she even go to the local urgent care center to get a tetanus shot? No. She does none of those things. Instead, the person she trusts with this v important information is fucking Archie. Does no one on this show learn lessons??

Veronica discovers that her family bought Pop’s Diner, and I’m not sure why she’s so surprised. Her dad went to jail for stealing peoples’ money and generally ruining lives, while her mother seduced people for his business deals on the outside. That is, legit, the definition of shady.

Elsewhere, Jughead acts like he’s never seen a Christmas gift in his whole damn life.

JUGHEAD: What are those?

FP: Gifts!

JUGHEAD: …Filled with drugs?

Oh honey, baby, sweetie. How do I explain this? Sometimes the people you love will try to shower you with love and affection. Just embrace it.

Elsewhere, Veronica uses her mother’s black card to pay off Archie’s dad’s hospital bills. Let’s let that sink in for a moment, shall we? She’s 16 and has casual access to 86 grand. Meanwhile, my net worth is $200 and a half used Urban Outfitters gift card, but okay.

Wow, Jughead is still super salty over this whole Penny Peabody thing. I get that she’s blackmailing you, Jughead, but also she makes her living by practicing law out of the back room in a bar. I think she needs this win more than you do.

Wait, so Jughead’s big plan of attack is to kill Penny Peabody? That’s his go-to solution for this mess? And everyone is just going to go along with this one? Really??

SWEET P: How should we handle this?

JUGHEAD:

Jughead cuts the Serpent tattoo off of Penny Peabody’s arm, and the whole scene is so extra. Does he really think that’s going to solve all his problems? Unless she gets a face transplant, I’m pretty sure The Serpents are still going to think she’s in the gang. Idiots.

Betty goes over to the Blossoms to interrogate the grandmother. And it’s like, Betty, it’s Christmas, have you no shame?! They find out that the Blossoms/Coopers were the ones to bury the sinner-who-wasn’t-really-a-sinner, and they did it to him while HE WAS STILL ALIVE. Somehow I’m not surprised at all. This is the same lineage that murdered their only son and burned their family home to the ground, so…

GRANDMA BLOSSOM: You should have drowned them at birth like a basket of kittens.

ME:

Betty starts freaking out in the car about her connection to the Black Hood and how her grandfather buried an innocent man alive. And because nothing puts this girl more in the mood than talking about murder, she kisses Archie. *slips into rage induced blackout*

Veronica finally learns about all the conniving shit her parents have been up to, and she handles the information with a bottle of scotch and a lot of thinly veiled threats. So basically how I handle any minor disruption to my life. If this is the start of a dark Veronica phase, then 2018 is about to be a good fucking year.

Meanwhile, Betty and Archie go looking for the spot where Betty’s family killed a man. She’s like, “Well, there was that picture where my grandfather was planting trees with some friends?” I love how in Riverdale 99.9 percent of the time the childhood stories their parents told them growing up are actually coverups for illegal activities.

^^Definitely thought “planting trees” was only a euphemism for weed but I guess murder too

They find the spot and uncover an empty coffin, which, of course, is a set-up. The Black Hood wants Betty to bury Archie alive, and honestly, I’m not mad about it.

In a shocking twist of fate, Betty somehow manages to overpower the Black Hood, and Sheriff Keller shoots him down at the last second. And the identity of the Black Hood is….. Mr. Stenson, the janitor. THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR FOR NINE FUCKING EPISODES? I’ve not been this disappointed in a season finale since Pretty Little Liars decided to fill plot holes with long-lost twins.

I’m not gonna lie, watching these broken up couples open thoughtful gifts from their exes on Christmas morning is the gift that keeps on giving. Thanks, CW!

Veronica realizes Archie did get her something for Christmas and is immediately not dead inside anymore.

ARCHIE: *buys her something mildly expensive*

VERONICA: I’m ready to say it: I love you too!

Honestly, they deserve each other.

The episode ends with Betty burning her Black Hood box. This whole scene is eerily similar to how I handle burning my ex’s shit after a break-up my problems—will reflect on this later.

She ends up keeping that creepy AF ski mask the Black Hood gave her, which is a clear sign that they got the wrong guy. AGAIN. Ugh. Just when I thought I’d accomplished something this year, The CW has to take it away from me. Whatever. Can’t wait for 2018! I’m sure we’ll continue to be dicked around by the writers of Riverdale. Can’t wait!

And like that, the most boring season of The Bachelor ended just as quickly as Nick Viall’s post-Dancing With The Stars career. It’s so sad. Almost.

RAVEN MEETS THE FAM

We begin the episode with Raven, who has no idea that despite the fact that the other woman in the equation has spent literally every second of every one of her dates fighting with Nick, she is not the frontrunner and the entire audience knows it.

Raven: I think Nick really likes me! This is going well.
Narrator/The Universe: It was not, in fact, going well.

Raven gets to meet Nick’s family for the second time, and does all the things one normally does when meeting someone’s family on a reality dating show. She toasts “to family” and tells everybody who can listen that she’s in love with Nick.

Raven: I feel really great about mine and Nick’s relationship. I am in love with him. I’ve never felt this way about someone before.
Nick’s Dad: How do you think Nick feels?
Raven: …………….. 

Most importantly, she gets in good with Nick’s little sister Bella, who will now learn the hard way that nobody gives a fuck what a 12-year-old girl has to say about anything.

Nick’s Mom: After meeting Raven, she just seems like such an honest, true person. I just can’t imagine her hurting anybody.
Me, Three Champagnes Deep: Lol yeah except that dude she stabbed with a shoe. 

VANESSA MEETS THE FAM

Then Raven fucks off pretty fast so that the audience can be treated to 30 full minutes of Vanessa’s bullshit as she meets Nick’s family and somehow manages to turn a delightful dinner into a full-on Viall family cry-fest, so at least we finally understand why Nick cries so fucking much. It’s a genetic thing.

Vanessa starts out strong by telling Nick’s family about the time that she puked on him, which she is able to Kellyanne Conway-style spin into a beautiful love story.

Vanessa: And then, I vomited on him.
Nick’s Dad: Wow, I’m crying.
Nick’s Mom: I am also crying.
Nick: I have been crying for three weeks straight.
Bella: Where is Raven?

Vanessa, who has repeatedly said she’s never watched a full season of The Bachelor, then reveals to each parent that she’s not sure if she wants to get engaged and give up her weekly Sunday spaghetti festival with the fam, which would be cool if “getting engaged” wasn’t kind of the entire fucking point of the show. Like, did Vanessa not know that she lived in Canada before applying to be on The Bachelor? She seems to be genuinely confused about the whole immigrating to the U.S. thing. Though, in her defense, that whole process is a bit more complicated these days.

Also, did anybody else know that Nick and his dad have the same crying face? Because they totally do. 

NICK & VANESSA’S DATE

We then segue right into Nick and Vanessa’s date, where Nick manages to do the impossible yet again: pick a date that’s somehow EVEN WORSE than the last one (which, if you’ll recall, was the Ice Bucket Challenge). Because after a segment of Vanessa and Nick crying, the audience was obviously hungry for more.

And by “more,” of course, I mean “Santa,” because that’s what Nick and Vanessa’s date is. Meeting Santa.

Why Santa? Why now? Why does this Santa live in such a tiny house with no reindeer, elves, or Mrs. Clause to be found? Why does this Santa have such a deep, sultry voice? Why is Vanessa sitting so close to Santa? She’s kind of all over him? Now she’s all over Nick? Are Nick and Vanessa going to have a 3-way with this Santa? Is Nick going to CHOOSE SANTA?!?

Sadly, none of these questions are answered—I maintain that the three of them did hookup off camera—but the Santa does bestow upon them his blessing and the gift of a wood carving.

Santa: Here is a wood carving. It says “Niko and Venla” and it will bring you happiness and fertility.
Vanessa: Umm…I specifically asked you for an iPhone?

NICK & RAVEN’S DATE

Okay, thank God, Raven is back. And oh look, they’re going on a normal date for normal individuals, aka ice skating. A little bit high school but, hey, at least there isn’t a random sexually charged Santa involved. Also, given the amount of snow and ice everywhere, both of them need at least three more layers, a hundred scarves, and to zip their fucking coats up. The mom in me was losing my shit watching these two slowly develop pneumonia. 

Raven and Nick have what looks to be a legitimately fun time ice skating. Nobody cries. Not even Raven when Nick tries to recreate their mud makeout sesh by plopping her ass down on the cold AF ice and attacking her face.

Sidebar to Raven: In the future, you can totally tell dudes you don’t want to make out on top of a pile of ice. You are a strong 25-year-old woman who has had (maybe) one orgasm in her life and you deserve to make out at a reasonable temperature. #Feminism. 

Nick then does something that literally every girl has dreamed of seeing on a date and reveals that there have been puppies here the whole time. Why Raven didn’t just take the puppies and bolt at that moment I’ll seriously never know, but instead she spends her final moments letting Nick know that she, unlike Vanessa, is a U.S. citizen with no outstanding Sunday commitments and is totally DTGE—Down To Get Engaged. 

THE FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

As soon as we see the end of Raven’s sparkly-ass I-think-I’m-at-the-Met-gala dress coming out of the limo, all our suspicions are confirmed: Nick is a messy bitch who lives for drama, and for that reason he has chosen a life of fighting with Vanessa over an eternity with Raven in (possibly faked) orgasmic bliss.

Raven handles her rejection like a boss, doing something that very few Bachelor contestants have ever managed to do and just shutting the fuck up for the entirety of her rejection. Unlike her now-ex boyfriend, Raven doesn’t even fucking cry. She just stares at him with a look that says “I would beat the shit out of you with my stiletto if there weren’t so many cameras on me rn.”

Then Nick shoves Raven into a limo without her coat, so that she can get her cold ass out of Finland and start getting ready for BiP where she belongs. 

Cue Vanessa, who also opted for sparkles paired with a fur coat. Wonder if she’ll get to keep hers. 

Vanessa arrives and tells Nick how, despite her thinking he’d “never notice her,” he actually “noticed every part” of her, which I consider a confirmation of the whole Santa-threeway theory. 

Nick finally proposes to Vanessa who, after a very long and drawn-out voice over where she describes not wanting to accept Nick’s proposal if he’s “only doing it to put a ring on her finger”, immediately accepts his proposal and allows him to put a ring on her finger.

So what is the lesson that we learned here, betches? It is totally okay to be annoying AF and constantly pick fights with your boyfriend, you can even throw up in his face on your first date, just so long as you back that shit up by looking amazing in a high-cut blue onepiece. How fucking sweet. 

Continue on to our After The Final Rose recap here!