On Tuesday night, after months of subjecting viewers to his fetish for barely-legal feuding beauty queens and a gaping head wound that got more infected by the minute, America’s least favorite pilot, Peter Weber, picked his winner. Well, more accurately, he proposed to Hannah Ann, she said yes, and then he proceeded to dump her on national TV on the same unfortunate day she ran out of shampoo. It was as brutal as it sounds. Then he tried to win Madison back on After The Final Rose, and they both admitted they still have feelings for one another, and are going to take it one day at a time. Wow, just when I thought things couldn’t get more romantic than a Revolve fashion show! As of right now, it looks like Peter and Madison might get back together, but I don’t think that they should. In fact, I think that Peter deserves to end up alone. You may think that’s harsh, but you should really hear what I say about myself. This is me being kind to Peter! But don’t just take my word for it, let’s look at my reasoning.
First, the way Peter treated Hannah Ann was atrocious. He didn’t tell her that she was the only one left until halfway through HIS PROPOSAL OF MARRIAGE WHEN HE SPOKE MADISON’S NAME, and made it seem like he actually wanted to marry Hannah Ann, rather than the truth, which was that he was just too ashamed to salsa his way back to his parents’ basement alone. Then, while they were engaged, he told Hannah Ann he needed to contact Hannah B for “closure.” If by closure you mean a hand job while she cries on your lap, then sure, I believe you need closure, Peter. Peter also couldn’t stop being conflicted about his lingering feelings for a certain sparkling apple juice drinker back in Alabama, while engaged to Sonic’s BEST roller skating model! Do these sound like the actions of a man who deserves a happy ending to you? Or does this sound like a man that I should give up my $200/hour therapy session to? It’s all yours, Peter! One time offer!
Peter, a grown-ass man, also spent the season being coddled by another grown-ass man, Chris Harrison. After Peter dumped Hannah Ann, the showrunners forced Chris to earn his paycheck Chris took it upon himself to approach Madison about a second chance, and you can tell by his reverent tone that Chris takes his job as a wingman to a 28-year-old walking erection much more seriously than he takes his job as a mediocre TV host. He tells Madison that in Peter’s dreams he’s with her, and it’s like, well Chris, in my dreams I’m riding a hippogriff off into the sunset with Draco Malfoy, but that doesn’t mean it should happen! It’s because of Chris that Madison agrees to see Peter, and not because Peter is so desperate to see her!
It did give us this moment though, so I guess I can forgive Chris just this once:
So Chris is the one that set up Peter and Madison’s reunion, and if it wasn’t for him, would Peter be sitting on that stage alone? It’s not like he took the initiative to get her back! In fact, I’m not even sure that they want to be together—neither has posted about the other on social media yet. And if they can’t even be bothered to post a picture on Instagram nuzzling each other’s shoulders and captioning it “So lucky to be in love with my best friend!” IS IT EVEN WORTH IT?!
And finally, even Peter’s mother thinks he should end up alone at this point, and who am I to argue with Barb, whom I have no doubt would unleash the wrath of 1000 rabid bats on me if I dare disagree? I know a lot of you HATED Barb based on how much you came for her in the comments on Ryanne’s recap, but I think she was right about Madison. The minute she mentioned that Madi made them wait three hours to meet her I said to myself aloud in my empty apartment, “f*ck you and the eyelashes you rode in on, basketball girl” because there is nothing I hate more than waiting. I even downloaded the Disney fastpass app in the off chance I ever go there again. I also appreciate that Barb has no shame sh*tting on her own son on national television for his bad behavior. She is a gem, worth more than ten of Neil Lane’s gaudy mall diamonds, and we were blessed to have her even if it was for a little while. So, if even the woman who sacrificed her body to give birth to his indecisive ass thinks that he’s making the wrong decision, perhaps it’s time for him to take a break from dating.
I know this is a hard opinion to hear, but it’s not like I’m saying Peter should DIE alone or anything (my editor wouldn’t let me), but I do think it would be prudent for our Bachelor to take some time alone and figure out what he’s looking for. Either that or just marry a f*cking plane already, you know that’s what he really wants.
Images: Hannahann/Instagram; Giphy (2)
Well ladies, we’re here, we’ve made it. The Bachelorette season finale. We’re down to the last two men: Blake, a man whose idea of the perfect evening involves his mother and rewatching Mama Mia! for the tenth time, and Garrett, who has probably started sentences with “I’m not trying to be racist, but…”. Damn, how did this girl get so lucky??
Moving on to the Bachelorette finale recap: Chris Harrison, please STOP trying to say that we’ve all been dying to find out how this season ends. It’s like he doesn’t realize we know how every minute of the entire season will play out two weeks before it even premieres? Silly, Chris.
Garrett’s up first to meet Becca’s family. He keeps talking about how nervous he is, but as long as he doesn’t comment on the size of Becca’s sister’s hair then he should be okay.
Okay, WHO is this Uncle Chuck person and why is he rocking a massive cross as a choker? I bet the only time Uncle Chuck has ever taken that thing off was when Becca needed to bring it to her tattoo “artist” as a template for her HAND TATTOO. It’s all making sense now. I suddenly understand where Becca inherited her good taste in style.
Garrett has to be drunk during this, right? Because the only time I cry this much is in a club bathroom after nine vodka sodas while explaining to the girl one stall over that no one really “gets me.”
Meanwhile, the sister’s hair is growing by the minute. Each time Garrett sheds a tear, her hair grows another inch.
^^Actual footage of her sister rn in this tropical climate
HAHA. Garrett just said Uncle Chuck “came in hot” with the questions and I’m dying. I’m pretty sure the deepest question he asked was “have you ever cried with Becca.” If he thinks that question is tough then I’m nervous absolutely giddy at the thought of Chris Harrison grilling him in the hot seat later.
Blake’s up next to meet the family, and he brings wine. A strong start, but first he’ll have to swim under the moat production had to build over Garrett’s tears yesterday.
BLAKE: I gravitate towards strong women. Independent women. Women I sometimes call “mommy.”
Is anyone else getting a weird mommy dearest vibe from Blake rn? Like, we get it. Your mother still cuts the crusts off your sandwiches and is the first to like your inspirational selfies on Instagram. Enough, I beg of you.
Elsewhere, Becca sobbs into a couch cushion over how, like, hard her life is rn while her sister tries not to beat her with the mass of her hair. She’s like “I know this must be so hard for you to have two very attractive men vying for your attention.”
ALSO EMILY: Here, we’ll flip a coin. Heads I get Garrett and tails I get Garrett, k?
HAHAHAH. Becca’s mom just told Blake “it’s okay if she doesn’t pick you though.” Like, does this lady not realize those words are going to make him dive off the nearest Maldivian cliff now??
MY GOD Blake is so effing dramatic. He keeps saying how things are off with him and Becca. He’s sitting there nitpicking every word that comes out of her mouth and over-analyzing her body language and—wait. Sh*t. I’m just realizing. I might be a Blake. Blake might be me.
CHRIS HARRISON: Wow. Blake is in a tailspin right now.
Ah, Chris. Always there to kick someone when they’re emotionally ready to jump of a cliff. God bless you. You keep me young.
Becca asks her family who they liked best and it feels like they’re Team Blake, no?
BECCA’S FAMILY: I’m not saying who you should choose, but Blake is your equal in every way.
UNCLE CHUCK: But Garrett’s got a really beautiful soul. He’s just such a poet.
ME:
Why do I feel like Uncle Chuck also likes questionable memes on Instagram in his spare time?
Why does Becca keep saying she and Garrett started off slow? Didn’t he get the first impression rose? On The Bachelorette that’s a good as a marriage proposal.
Okay, I will say that I’m swooning a little over Becca and Garrett’s boat date. When I go on Hinge dates with #NotAllMen types, it’s less dolphins and sunsets and more “you’re a feminist so you can grab the bill, right?”
Cut to the evening portion of the date and Garrett starts painting a picture of what his and Becca’s life will look like. It includes dirty diapers and date nights in the grocery aisle! What a beautiful life you’ve planned for her, G, that doesn’t sound even a little bit sexist!
GARRETT: I’ll stand by you and choose you every single day.
THOSE ARE LITERALLY THE EXACT SAME WORDS ARIE SAID TO HER. GARRETT, COME ON. You’ve got to have better material than that.
Okay, he’s def wine drunk during this entire night. He keeps talking about how he sees forever with her, but I just don’t believe that a guy who was divorced before the photographer could even develop the wedding photos really understands the concept of forever.
Moving on to Blake’s one-on-one date. It’s not looking good for Blakie. Why do I feel like he’s going to have a mental breakdown the likes of which have not been seen since the time Blake discovered his mom was banging his coach?
Does anyone else feel like Becca is slowly trying to distance herself from Blake? Blake is trying to ask what her family thought of him and she can’t even give an answer without mentioning Garrett’s name somewhere in it.
BECCA: Well, my sister liked both you and GARRETT. Both you and GARRETT are such good guys.
BLAKE: *internally screams*
ALSO BLAKE:
She hasn’t said your name once, Blake, better call your mom while there’s still time to have her fly out and be waiting in the wings with tissues and Ben & Jerry’s after the proposal.
WAIT. Did Blake also make Becca a sad handwritten book?? Did he just copy Jason’s “how to be the next Bachelor” worksheet? Where are these dudes even getting these ideas from? Early 2000s rom coms?
Oh wait. It’s a time capsule. Doesn’t a time capsule imply that time has had to pass before you can open it? Like, those photos are from today, dumbass.
ABC brings out Neil Lane from the hole where they stash him in between seasons so he can cobble together diamonds for them. His eyes practically light up when Garrett says he’s been married before. Like he knows he’s going to get free publicity AND the ring back in 3-6 months when Garrett realizes Becca walks in women’s marches and wants equal pay.
Meanwhile, Becca’s getting ready for her big proposal and I’m already alarmed by what she’s willingly putting on her body without being held at gunpoint or anything. First, there’s the earrings, then there’s the CROCHET HALTER on that sequined monstrosity she’s trying to pass off as formal wear. She might as well have set that 18 grand ABC gave her for wardrobe on fire.
GARRETT: It’s terrifying to think that I might be engaged again, but at least I didn’t rush into it this time.
YOU’VE KNOWN THE GIRL SIX GODDAMN WEEKS. What do you mean you’re not rushing into this? How long did you date your last bride? 10 days?
Alright, deep breaths, people. The moment ABC has been holding us hostage for all effing season is finally here, and Chris Harrison is really hyping it up. He’s like “prepare yourselves because what you’re about to see contains graphic footage of a grown man going to literal pieces on national television. Let’s tune in!”
The boat pulls up and it’s Blake. BLAKE IS GOING HOME. Tbh just once I would like to see them have the winner go first and then the second guy gets rejected passively the second he pulls up and takes one look at Becca’s already occupied finger. Is that so much to ask?
Oh god he’s sweating so bad. He’s, like, sitting in a pool of it. Blake goes “when all this is done it’s just gonna be you and me, babe.” YOU AND ME BABE. I’m f*cking dying. This is so painful to watch.
ALSO ME:
Sidenote: Do you think they send them to these extremely hot locales only to make the breakups that much more emotional? Because I am EXTREMELY dramatic when I’m hot. I think I threatened to commit suicide today when I went out to pick up my lunch.
The two of them having this breakup fight whilst dripping sweat must be what the 9th circle of hell looks like. Her makeup is literally ROLLING OFF her face and he’s using his suit jacket as a towel. It’s so hard to watch.
Yo he’s soooo salty about this whole thing. He just shrugged off her goodbye! I wonder if she can hear him howling from the limo as her glam squad tries to fix her face before Garrett comes in.
OMG Blake sobbing into this towel rn is TV gold. I want to save this and watch this on repeat for the rest of my life.
BLAKE: I can’t believe after all this I have to do this crazy thing called life alone.
Blake, I’m right there with you, buddy. You think it’s easy spending six weeks watching your fool ass on national television and only have a relationship with my Seamless guy to show for it? WELL, IT WASN’T.
Wait. Is ABC really going to cut to the live after show rn? *throws laptop at wall* Goddamnit, ABC, I will burn your studio to the ground if you make me wait one more minute for this proposal.
Becca comes out and Blake is like “ugh I was hoping you looked ugly.” Honestly, Blake, you’ve seen her in all the sequins Forever21 has to offer and still thought she was beautiful so obviously we can’t trust your judgement here.
Okay, Blake is handling this breakup confrontation way too well. He’s definitely campaigning for the new Bachelor spot. Jason, you’ve got some competition!
CHRIS HARRISON: Did you cry in your mother’s arms after Becca dumped you at the altar? How many times?
BLAKE:
CHRIS HARRISON: Blake, what will help you move on?
BLAKE, INTERNALLY: If you would make me the next f*cking Bachelor.
FINALLY. We get to see the proposal. Garrett is like “you look amazing today” and that’s how you know they’re going to make it. If he can propose to her while she’s looking like the discarded scraps of a Project Runway challenge then you know it’s real.
Okay, this speech is so half-assed. Did he just Google “good proposals” and then go with the first thing that popped up? Also, why is she interrupting him halfway through that mediocre speech? OMG he thinks she’s dumping him! Becca you’re so cruel, I love it.
Ugh why is she proposing to him now? BECCA, HE HAS ONE JOB. LET HIM DO IT.
BECCA:
Jesus. The bar is so low, isn’t it ladies?
Becca and Garrett make their debut on “After The Final Rose” and they’re both plastered. It’s the only explanation for why she keeps screaming so much.
I will say Becca looks amazing tonight. It’s amazing what love, stability, and fresh extensions will do for a girl who thinks sequins are appropriate for any occasion.
Chris calls out Emily and I feel so bad for this girl. Like, don’t call attention to her hair anymore than the producers already have! You know the second he shouted at her, her hair stood at attention and was like “oh sh*t! They’re talking to me.”
GARRETT HAS A MULLET WIG. Becca’s trying to play it off like it’s just a fun disguise for when they sneak around and not like it’s something they bust out in the bedroom. Sure, Jan. Sure.
Ah, so they ARE going to address the memes. In the last seven minutes of this goddamn episode. Way to give this sensitive topic the time and attention it deserves, ABC! You’re just lucky I’m so f*cking exhausted from watching THREE HOURS of this horse sh*t that I’m not going to riot in the streets over this.
Oh my god Becca just tried to say that this meme thing was Garrett trying to challenge her. YEAH CHALLENGING YOU TO SMACK HIM.
CHRIS HARRISON: There’s ups and downs and trying to explain to your fiancé why it’s not okay to say that child survivors of a school shooting are crisis actors. That’s a relationship!
The season ends with ABC gifting the happy couple with a mini van! They drive off into the sunset and I guess it’s nice that Garrett still lets Becca drive. You know, at least until they have kids!
And on that note, good season everybody! I mean, good for everyone but Becca who is going to have to wear that tacky-ass ring for the rest of her contractually obligated life. See you all tomorrow in Paradise, because ABC doesn’t want me to have a goddamn life.
Images: Giphy (10)
Well, fam, we’re back for one more damn week of this godforsaken show. That’s right, this week on The Bachelor finale (part one, because ABC hates me) it’s down to the final two women. Tbh this recap should really be called “True Life: I’m Being Held Hostage By Chris Harrison” because that’s what it feels like to have to sit through three hours of Arie agonizing over his decision to marry someone with the emotional wingspan of a kitchen appliance or Becca K. Riveting stuff. Anyway, shall we commence with this self inflicted torture episode?
Chris Harrison starts off the Bachelor finale by letting all of America know that not only is Arie boring AF, but he’s also a giant piece of shit. We have so much to look forward to, fam. Chris really isn’t making this three hour episode any easier a pill to swallow.
We’re back in Peru and as per usual, the mere sight of Arie makes me want to burn whole cities to the ground. Woosahhh.
ARIE: When I pictured Cusco this is what I pictured.
ME: *pictures Cusco in mind’s eye*
ALSO ME: ….yeah same.
Arie starts off the episode by letting us all know where he stands with the remaining two women. And since ABC would like to stretch this episode out into next fucking year I’m sure this monologue will proceed for the next 45 minutes when it can really be summed up in two sentences or less:
ARIE: With Becca I just know that I only want her because some other dude proposed to her last episode love her.
ARIE: With Lauren there’s a little bit more of a risk because she’s dead inside.
With choices like these, where can he go wrong??
Lauren meets Arie’s parents and it is… alarming. Lauren’s just trying to pretend she’s a real girl and not like her and her doll hair were created in ABC’s studio hours before the season started. Meanwhile Arie is, like, engaging in foreplay with her fingers. Seriously, why is he rubbing them like that? Jesus. It’s gonna be a long night, people.
God, Lauren is so fucking boring. Every week I try to drink convince myself that this will be the week where she’ll grow a personality or at the very least a facial expression, but alas, it’s not looking like this will be that week. *sighs*
Next, it’s Becca’s turn to meet the family. She emphasizes that this is a BIG DEAL to meet Arie’s parents, which is why she showed up in my freshman year club dress. I had some good nights at penny draft night in that number, but I’m not sure how it will win over your boyfriend’s parents, Becs.
Man, Lauren really won over Arie’s mom with her sparkling personality the three monotone words she spoke, didn’t she? Like, why does Arie’s entire family keep bringing up Lauren to Becca?
BECCA: Yeah, so let me tell you how I feel about your son—
ARIE’S FAMILY: You’re very nice but we can we talk about Lauren now? She’s very pretty. We like them pretty. And weak. Very weak.
BECCA: Ah…
Andddd we’re back to Caroline talking shit about Arie. Chris is like, do you guys remember Caroline? The girl who made it three episodes but was bribed by production to confront Arie at the Women Tell All? Ringing any bells?
A REENACTMENT OF CAROLINE AT THE WOMEN TELL ALL:
Like, seriously, can we just get back to the episode? Please? I beg of you, Chris Harrison, put me out of my misery.
Back in Peru, Arie and Lauren go on their last date before he might emotionally eviscerate her on national television. Fucking finally. They’re hiking a seventh wonder of the world and Lauren looks about as enthused by it as she does clipping her toenails.
ARIE: She’s got a speckle in her eye—she’s amazing!
Yeah, but, like, what about her personality? Does she have a speckle in that?
Lauren’s like “Arie’s done all he possibly can to assure me that he loves me. Except for dumping his second girlfriend.” Yeah, whatever you have to tell yourself to sleep at night, honey.
Okay, Lauren has to be the one going home right? Because that’s kind of how ABC is setting this up. I’m watching Arie and Lauren embrace and all I can think is “Arie is about to break you in two, sweetie.” *turns up volume*
Moving on to Becca and Arie’s date. Instead of taking her to a literal wonder of the world like he did his other girlfriend, Arie takes Becca to a shitty market. Yeah, I think it’s safe to say we all know which way he’s leaning emotionally. Also, again with the shopping, dude? This girl does have other interests, you know!
Becca’s like “I know I can really trust you, you know?” Meanwhile, Arie looks like he just shit himself. It’s like he just realized this show ends in a proposal or something. DUDE YOU’VE BEEN THROUGH THIS TWICE YOU HAD TO KNOW.
I have a feeling Arie is only into Becca because literally two days ago another guy was willing to propose to her. He’s looking at her like he wants to love her because America won’t accept the human lump of cauliflower that is Lauren B.
Becca pulls a move straight out of How To Lose A Guy in 10 Days and makes Arie a sad handwritten book photo album of their entire 30 day relationship. She really does get him and his dream of living inside a Reese Witherspoon movie. Huh. Well, at least it’s something she can burn when he inevitably dumps her for a girl with the emotional capacity of a lima bean.
Well fam, with an hour and a half left to go we’ve made it to the rose ceremony. An. hour. and. a. half. left. I’m not crying, you’re crying I’m definitely crying. Here’s hoping the episode ends with Chris Harrison throwing Arie off that mountain. A girl can dream.
The loser first limo pulls up AND IT’S FUCKING LAUREN. And her dress is on fucking point. I thought fringe was done, but she’s making me believe again. Also, I literally cannot wait to see how badly Arie trips all over himself when he tries to dump her while she looks like a goddamn vision.
Jesus. Arie has a horrible poker face. Does he think his sobs are hiding anything?
ARIE: *sobs*
LAUREN: I’m extremely confused.
Truer words, Lauren. Truer words.
Damnnn Lauren just wished him the best and moved the fuck on. She’s not even really crying yet. I mean, granted, she wasn’t programmed to feel real human pain, but still. I’ve never respected her more.
Okay, Lauren is making all sorts of good points in this limo. HOW CAN YOU BE SURE, ARIE?? If I didn’t know any better I’d say she was fed those lines by production just in case she got back with Arie later…
Arie’s watching Becca come down the hill and it’s like he’s watching his damn funeral. Also, Becca, honey, wtf are you wearing? No dress—especially not THE dress you’ll get engaged to in—should be held together by pantyhose material. That’s just, like, the rules of feminism.
ARIE: I choose you today, and I choose you until filming wraps up every day.
ME:
I’ve got a whole other hour to this episode that tells me otherwise, but by all means, Arie, continue playing Russian roulette with this girl’s feelings.
Cut to video footage of Becca and Arie walking off into the sunset with Chris Harrison Regina George-ing in the background: “that really did look like a happy ending, didn’t it?” Chris, you messy bitch. You’re living for this shit aren’t you?
Also, Chris Harrison really has that sorority-girl-evaluating-pledges face down this season, doesn’t he? Snaps for improvement, buddy!
We’re now treated to a montage of Becca and Arie’s charmed 12 hours together before Arie started sliding into Lauren’s DMs. I paraphrase. And they say reality TV presents a false reality.
AMERICA: *watches ABC shamelessly set up a girl’s heartbreak for optimum ratings*
CHRIS HARRISON: I know that was tough to watch. I can only imagine what you’re going through as you watch this at home.
Okay, Chris, this isn’t a fucking national tragedy. I’m watching this and also playing solitaire on my phone, so I’ll be fine.
***WARNING: You are about to see some triggering shit here. Like, worse than when Dean baked a cake for Danielle L in front of the Russian orphan Kristina. Brace yourselves. ***
So clearly the happy couple is back from Peru and living their lives as a newly engaged couple who lives 1,600 miles away from each other and only ever interact when their Instagram endorsement deals deem it necessary. I’m so happy for them!
Oh God Becca thinks this is a cute couples getaway and not Arie dumping her ass. Oh God she looks so happy. Oh God my anxiety is literally through the roof.
^^Actual footage of me watching this breakup rn
Arie shows up and immediately is like “can I get a take-backsies?” and this is so fucking painful watch.
Oh god she’s covering her face with THE ENGAGED HAND.
SHE JUST NOTICED THE RING AND TOOK IT OFF OH MY FUCKING GOD. Tbh she’s showing way more self-restraint than me because I would have shoved that ring down his fucking throat by now.
Arie is such a piece of shit. I can’t. He’s not even gonna follow her?
Okay, do we really have to listen to Becca cry for 6 minutes? We get the point, ABC. You’ve accurately painted the face of human devastation for us. Now can you please let the poor girl be??
Becca, LEAVE! Like, did they lock her in that house? Why can’t she leave? Is this a horror movie? ABC, I need answers!
Arie is, like, waiting around for Becca to forgive him so he doesn’t have to feel shitty about dumping his FIANCE for another fucking woman. Meanwhile, all of America starts sharpening their pitchforks in their living rooms.
Okay, she has asked him to just go 10 million times and he won’t leave. Becca is a living, breathing human being and you need to get the fuck out. Also, I low-key feel like scum for watching this? Anyone else?
WAIT SHE’S HERE. AT THE LIVE VIEWING. WITH DARK LUSCIOUS LOCKS. She looks fab but I can’t believe ABC would force her to watch that in front of a live studio audience. Man, she must really be gunning for that Bachelorette spot.
Chris is like “it’s great to have you back” and Becca is looking at him like she’s contractually obligated to be there. Of course this is where the episode ends. Chris really emphasizes how lucky we all are that ABC so graciously decided to give us two nights to watch a woman’s grief be paraded all over national television for better ratings. Seriously, ABC is the sweetest.
Images: Giphy (6); ABC (5)
And like that, the most boring season of The Bachelor ended just as quickly as Nick Viall’s post-Dancing With The Stars career. It’s so sad. Almost.
RAVEN MEETS THE FAM
We begin the episode with Raven, who has no idea that despite the fact that the other woman in the equation has spent literally every second of every one of her dates fighting with Nick, she is not the frontrunner and the entire audience knows it.
Raven: I think Nick really likes me! This is going well.
Narrator/The Universe: It was not, in fact, going well.
Raven gets to meet Nick’s family for the second time, and does all the things one normally does when meeting someone’s family on a reality dating show. She toasts “to family” and tells everybody who can listen that she’s in love with Nick.
Raven: I feel really great about mine and Nick’s relationship. I am in love with him. I’ve never felt this way about someone before.
Nick’s Dad: How do you think Nick feels?
Raven: ……………..
Most importantly, she gets in good with Nick’s little sister Bella, who will now learn the hard way that nobody gives a fuck what a 12-year-old girl has to say about anything.
Nick’s Mom: After meeting Raven, she just seems like such an honest, true person. I just can’t imagine her hurting anybody.
Me, Three Champagnes Deep: Lol yeah except that dude she stabbed with a shoe.
VANESSA MEETS THE FAM
Then Raven fucks off pretty fast so that the audience can be treated to 30 full minutes of Vanessa’s bullshit as she meets Nick’s family and somehow manages to turn a delightful dinner into a full-on Viall family cry-fest, so at least we finally understand why Nick cries so fucking much. It’s a genetic thing.
Vanessa starts out strong by telling Nick’s family about the time that she puked on him, which she is able to Kellyanne Conway-style spin into a beautiful love story.
Vanessa: And then, I vomited on him.
Nick’s Dad: Wow, I’m crying.
Nick’s Mom: I am also crying.
Nick: I have been crying for three weeks straight.
Bella: Where is Raven?
Vanessa, who has repeatedly said she’s never watched a full season of The Bachelor, then reveals to each parent that she’s not sure if she wants to get engaged and give up her weekly Sunday spaghetti festival with the fam, which would be cool if “getting engaged” wasn’t kind of the entire fucking point of the show. Like, did Vanessa not know that she lived in Canada before applying to be on The Bachelor? She seems to be genuinely confused about the whole immigrating to the U.S. thing. Though, in her defense, that whole process is a bit more complicated these days.
Also, did anybody else know that Nick and his dad have the same crying face? Because they totally do.
NICK & VANESSA’S DATE
We then segue right into Nick and Vanessa’s date, where Nick manages to do the impossible yet again: pick a date that’s somehow EVEN WORSE than the last one (which, if you’ll recall, was the Ice Bucket Challenge). Because after a segment of Vanessa and Nick crying, the audience was obviously hungry for more.
And by “more,” of course, I mean “Santa,” because that’s what Nick and Vanessa’s date is. Meeting Santa.
Why Santa? Why now? Why does this Santa live in such a tiny house with no reindeer, elves, or Mrs. Clause to be found? Why does this Santa have such a deep, sultry voice? Why is Vanessa sitting so close to Santa? She’s kind of all over him? Now she’s all over Nick? Are Nick and Vanessa going to have a 3-way with this Santa? Is Nick going to CHOOSE SANTA?!?
Sadly, none of these questions are answered—I maintain that the three of them did hookup off camera—but the Santa does bestow upon them his blessing and the gift of a wood carving.
Santa: Here is a wood carving. It says “Niko and Venla” and it will bring you happiness and fertility.
Vanessa: Umm…I specifically asked you for an iPhone?
NICK & RAVEN’S DATE
Okay, thank God, Raven is back. And oh look, they’re going on a normal date for normal individuals, aka ice skating. A little bit high school but, hey, at least there isn’t a random sexually charged Santa involved. Also, given the amount of snow and ice everywhere, both of them need at least three more layers, a hundred scarves, and to zip their fucking coats up. The mom in me was losing my shit watching these two slowly develop pneumonia.
Raven and Nick have what looks to be a legitimately fun time ice skating. Nobody cries. Not even Raven when Nick tries to recreate their mud makeout sesh by plopping her ass down on the cold AF ice and attacking her face.
Sidebar to Raven: In the future, you can totally tell dudes you don’t want to make out on top of a pile of ice. You are a strong 25-year-old woman who has had (maybe) one orgasm in her life and you deserve to make out at a reasonable temperature. #Feminism.
Nick then does something that literally every girl has dreamed of seeing on a date and reveals that there have been puppies here the whole time. Why Raven didn’t just take the puppies and bolt at that moment I’ll seriously never know, but instead she spends her final moments letting Nick know that she, unlike Vanessa, is a U.S. citizen with no outstanding Sunday commitments and is totally DTGE—Down To Get Engaged.
THE FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
As soon as we see the end of Raven’s sparkly-ass I-think-I’m-at-the-Met-gala dress coming out of the limo, all our suspicions are confirmed: Nick is a messy bitch who lives for drama, and for that reason he has chosen a life of fighting with Vanessa over an eternity with Raven in (possibly faked) orgasmic bliss.
Raven handles her rejection like a boss, doing something that very few Bachelor contestants have ever managed to do and just shutting the fuck up for the entirety of her rejection. Unlike her now-ex boyfriend, Raven doesn’t even fucking cry. She just stares at him with a look that says “I would beat the shit out of you with my stiletto if there weren’t so many cameras on me rn.”
Then Nick shoves Raven into a limo without her coat, so that she can get her cold ass out of Finland and start getting ready for BiP where she belongs.
Cue Vanessa, who also opted for sparkles paired with a fur coat. Wonder if she’ll get to keep hers.
Vanessa arrives and tells Nick how, despite her thinking he’d “never notice her,” he actually “noticed every part” of her, which I consider a confirmation of the whole Santa-threeway theory.
Nick finally proposes to Vanessa who, after a very long and drawn-out voice over where she describes not wanting to accept Nick’s proposal if he’s “only doing it to put a ring on her finger”, immediately accepts his proposal and allows him to put a ring on her finger.
So what is the lesson that we learned here, betches? It is totally okay to be annoying AF and constantly pick fights with your boyfriend, you can even throw up in his face on your first date, just so long as you back that shit up by looking amazing in a high-cut blue onepiece. How fucking sweet.
Continue on to our After The Final Rose recap here!
