It’s obviously a well-established tradition for magazines to have celebrities on the cover. The thing is, when magazine chooses someone famous as their cover star, there’s typically a photoshoot, or at least an actual photo of the person to put on said cover. There’s also typically an interview that serves as the feature for the issue. You’ve all read magazines; you understand how it works. If there’s not a feature or interview for the issue, at the very least, the celeb probably knows that they’re going to be on the cover. But apparently sometimes none of those things are true, hence why Billie Eilish is now beefing with NYLON Germany.
Just in case you’re not aware, a quick explainer of Billie Eilish. She’s only 17 years old, but has quickly become one of the top stars in music, and she got her first number-one song last week with “Bad Guy.” She’s known for her creepy, outside-the-box music and visuals, and she defies traditional beauty standards. Most notably, she usually wears oversized, baggy clothing so people don’t comment on her body. Considering that she’s literally still a child, this seems more than fair. Basically, she’s the current Gen-Z queen.
Billie Eilish’s dedication to taking focus away from her body is part of what makes this story so crazy. A couple days ago, the German edition of NYLON magazine posted their new dual covers on Instagram. The issue is titled “DIGITAL PRODIGIES,” so naturally it features some of the top Gen-Z stars, like Willow Smith, Madelaine Petsch, and Billie Eilish. The first cover features Lisa and Lena, German sisters who had the most-followed account on TikTok until earlier this year. And the second cover, as you’ve probably guessed by now, features Billie Eilish.
But it’s not the Billie Eilish you’re used to seeing. Gone is the silvery hair, the oversized hoodie, and any shred of personality. Instead, the image makes her look like some kind of cyborg, with a bald head and skin that’s a metallic gold. Oh, and she’s not wearing any clothes. It barely even looks like Billie Eilish, which kind of seems like the point.
But it turns out that it doesn’t look like her, because it’s not even a photo of her.
After NYLON Germany posted the cover, Billie Eilish had some things to say in the comments:
Wow wow wow, this is a lot to take in. So first of all, Billie and her team were never asked permission, or even told that this cover was happening. I don’t know what all the rules are for something like this, but this is different than TIME using a photo of Donald Trump without asking permission first. At the very least, it seems like you would notify Billie’s team out of courtesy if an image of her was going to be featured on the COVER.
In her second point, Billie Eilish clarifies that this isn’t even a real picture of her. I don’t know whether they did a full CGI job, or just heavily edited a real photo of her, but this is some weird sh*t. From looking at the photo with no other information, you would definitely think Billie sat down for a whole photoshoot with the magazine, because this doesn’t look like it’s supposed to be a drawing or something.
But Billie’s third point is really the main root of the issue here. The magazine took (or created) an image of someone who’s still a minor, and made it so she’s not wearing clothes, or at least a shirt?? Billie Eilish is incredibly conscious of NOT sexualizing her persona, so for a magazine to do it without asking her permission or even telling her feels like a huge violation.
And lastly, they removed all her f*ckin’ hair. Not cool, guys.
For what it’s worth, Lisa and Lena clarified that they were asked about their cover:
While I’m glad that they consented to their appearance, that makes it all the more sh*tty that NYLON never reached out to Billie Eilish or her team. This kind of reminds me of when Kanye West included a sculpture of Taylor Swift’s naked body in his music video for “Famous” without asking her first. It’s not quite as bad as revenge porn or leaking someone’s actual nudes without their permission, but it’s still an uncool thing to do.
This whole story feels extremely wild considering that Billie Eilish is one of the world’s biggest stars right now, and this magazine only has 15,000 followers on Instagram. I’m truly shocked there was not an immediate take-down and subsequent Notes app apology, but the magazine did (sort of) respond to Billie’s criticism. They updated the caption on the original post with the following statement:
“For this cover, it was never our intention to create a look that is confusing or insulting to Billie Eilish. It was only ever our intention to honor Billies (sp.) impact and her work by creating this avatar which is part of a cover series highlighting the power of digital prodigy artists. This avatar is a piece of 3D artwork created in dedication to her achievements and the positive effect she has had on millions around the globe – including us.”
Yeah, okay, I really didn’t think they put her on the cover because they hated her and her achievements. Essentially, NYLON is doubling down on the cover, and not even addressing Billie’s complaint about the lack of clothes her robot clone is wearing. I get that it’s someone’s artistic vision, but it still clearly feels like they were in the wrong here.
Do you like hearing about all the drama that goes down in the world of Gen-Z celebs? Let me know in the comments if there’s anyone you desperately need to know more about, because I love a good deep dive.
Images: Shutterstock; nylongermany (3) / Instagram
Is anyone else watching The Hills: New Beginnings this season? Because it certainly feels like it’s just me and my one coworker talking about Justin Bobby’s eyeliner every Tuesday morning. And it certainly feels like I’m the only one who wakes up in the middle of the night gasping, “but where was Whitney?!” But surely, surely, MTV wouldn’t keep a show on the air solely for my enjoyment and nostalgia, would they? If they are, that’s like, so sweet, but I think they might need some extra drama to hook a few more viewers in order to keep season 2 afloat. Enter, the Pratt Family.
After this week’s episode, Stephanie Pratt took to Instagram to criticize her costars, and drag up the good old “Heidi and Spencer said LC made a sex tape,” rumor. Let’s take a look at the unabomber’s manifesto her post:
Normally I can’t be bothered to read a post this long, because my attention span has shrunk alarmingly since the invention of the iPhone (thanks, Steve!), but this is juicy, so I’ll break this down for you. Stephanie says she is back in London where evil siblings do not exist (ah yes, because that sh*t going on between William and Harry is because they’re being too nice to each other), and then goes on to say that Heidi is evil, only talks about her to get in magazines, and that yes, she is responsible for the sex tape rumor. Newsflash: no one cares anymore, Steph!!!
She also says she and Justin Bobby never slept together, and I’m sure that’s *technically* true, because Justin Bobby, a 37-year-old man who attends desert festivals clad entirely in leather, calls it “vibing.” Finally, she claims that Audrina knows that she didn’t sleep vibe with Justin, Audrina had a secret boyfriend outside of the show, and that this “attack on her character” was all done so Audrina could get more screen time.
As my therapist would say, this is something you should write in your diary and not put on the internet. And this is where I get suspicious. In the comments, Stephanie claims that she will not be returning for season 2. But why are you bringing up all this sh*t on Instagram, if not to push your dramatic storyline into the following season? I guarantee you she will eventually sign on, and we’ll get a million stories about how she’s reluctant to go on the show and confront Spencer and Heidi after this attack post. THUS GETTING HER MORE MEDIA ATTENTION AND AIRTIME!! Does anyone else agree with me, or have I just watched too many YouTube conspiracy theory videos in the middle of the night?
It also appears that Heidi responded to Stephanie’s vitriol on her own prayer and scripture-dedicated Instagram account (no, you didn’t just have a stroke, yes this is something that exists):
So Heidi just used Jesus to tell us she’s better than Stephanie. Just how He wanted his teachings to be implemented! He would be so proud! But just in case He’s not, I’d watch out for lightning strikes for the next few days, Heidi.
TBH I still don’t really understand what Spencer and Stephanie are fighting about. This season, Stephanie mentioned that Spencer and Heidi didn’t tell her when her nephew was born, but in my opinion they really saved her a lot of trouble. I have visited numerous newborn babies over the last few years, and they all look like blobs, and you can kill them very easily by holding them wrong. It’s terrifying. Count your blessings, Stephanie. This just seems like they’re rehashing the same old made up drama, only now Stephanie has an entirely new face, no?
I guess we will have to wait and see what happens with the rest of this season, and if Stephanie *shockingly* decides to show up for season two. In the meantime I’ll just be over here patiently waiting for Spencer to send me a Pratt Daddy Crystal (I’ll review it Spencer, I promise!).
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (2); officialstephpratt, prattprayers/Instagram
I’m about to blow all your minds—I love Taylor Swift. I know! I’m sorry if you’re one of those people that wish something graphically horrible would happen to her, but I’m a card-carrying member of the Taylor fan club (we don’t really have cards). Maybe it’s because “Tim McGraw” reminds me of a simpler time when my only responsibility was to make sure I ordered enough jalapeño poppers from Campus Corner for all the people crammed into a tiny dorm room. Or perhaps it’s because a guy I used to date told me that “Today was a Fairytale” reminded him of us. Sure, that ended with a $75 dollar red light traffic ticket and some lasting mental health issues, but I should have known better than date someone that lived on Staten Island! So yes, it could be my own nostalgia talking, but it also could be because Taylor is the queen of petty and brings it. Every. Single. Time. Her ability to hold a grudge is only rivaled by my stone-cold Italian grandmother.
Why am I confessing my deepest, darkest secrets you ask? Well, Taylor appears on the cover of Elle’s April issue, and she bribed them was allowed to write her own story titled “30 Things I Learned Before Turning 30.” Perhaps you’ve heard, Taylor was born in 1989. So 30 is upon her. Now, the only thing I learned before turning 30 was that you shouldn’t spend your rent money on wine and pizza, but sure, I’m willing to entertain the idea that a pop superstar with her own jet learned slightly more than a Jersey girl who likes to sh*t talk. And boy, am I glad I did. Because this essay is a master class in shade. These “lessons” are Taylor’s thinly veiled takedowns of her enemies, and I am here for it because that’s basically what I try to do with all my articles too! So, since Tay isn’t naming names, I’m here to break down who she’s not-so-subtly shading in this article. Author note: these are only guesses, please don’t sue me, Taylor!
Tom Hiddleston
In lesson sixteen, Taylor says, “Before you jump in headfirst, maybe, I don’t know…get to know someone! All that glitters isn’t gold, and first impressions actually aren’t everything. It’s impressive when someone can charm people instantly and own the room, but what I know now to be more valuable about a person is not their charming routine upon meeting them (I call it a “solid first 15”), but the layers of a person you discover in time.”
This is obviously referencing Taylor’s brief romance with Tom Hiddleston, who she met at the 2016 Met Gala. They had an incredibly cringey dance-off that made me wish the internet was never invented, then he was invited to #Taymerica where he was spotted donning a tank top that said “I Heart TS,” and I was officially dead of embarrassment by the time they broke up in October. It seems Taylor realized that perhaps just because a white dude that went to Cambridge is game to torture us with a dance routine to “Bring ‘Em Out,” does not mean you should go all in on that immediately. Plus, you know who else gave a solid first 15? Ted Bundy. Just saying.
#neverforget
Karlie Kloss
Of all the friends in Taylor Swift’s 1989-era girl squad, Karlie Kloss was queen bee of them all. Taylor and Karlie even posed for a Vogue cover together, with the article titled “On the Road with Best Friends Taylor Swift and Karlie Kloss.” If Vogue says you’re best friends, then you just are. And then Karlie just kind of disappeared from Taylor’s life. Psycho fans people even believed they were a couple that had a bad breakup. Seriously. Karlie recently got married, and Taylor wasn’t there. So what happened? I think we have our answer in lesson twenty:
“Learning the difference between lifelong friendships and situationships. Something about “we’re in our young twenties!” hurls people together into groups that can feel like your chosen family. And maybe they will be for the rest of your life. Or maybe they’ll just be your comrades for an important phase, but not forever.”
So clearly they were both really tall, really famous, really blonde girls that were the same age and so they became friends. I can obviously totally relate. And so they just eventually went their separate ways, with Karlie marrying into the Kushner family and Taylor busy tending to her grudges like little pets.
The good old days
Anna Wintour
If you come at the Queen you best not miss, and I think Taylor misses on this one. In lesson twenty-one she writes:
“Fashion is all about playful experimentation. If you don’t look back at pictures of some of your old looks and cringe, you’re doing it wrong. See: Bleachella.”
I’m so sorry that Anna insisted you make your look a little more edgy to be in her high fashion magazine, Taylor. God forbid you give up the burnt straw hair color you cling to like it’s your first born. Anna was right, and Bleachella was your best look. And I’m not just saying that because I myself spent one glorious year as a platinum blonde. Sure, my hair is falling out now, but that’s beside the point.
Kimye
Oh, did you think Taylor was going to write an article and not call out public enemy #1? I’m sorry I couldn’t even say that with a straight face. Of course Taylor claims she would like to be excluded from this narrative, but that’s only when other people are talking about it, duh. She says in lesson twenty-seven:
I learned that disarming someone’s petty bullying can be as simple as learning to laugh. In my experience, I’ve come to see that bullies want to be feared and taken seriously. A few years ago, someone started an online hate campaign by calling me a snake on the internet. The fact that so many people jumped on board with it led me to feeling lower than I’ve ever felt in my life, but I can’t tell you how hard I had to keep from laughing every time my 63-foot inflatable cobra named Karyn appeared onstage in front of 60,000 screaming fans. It’s the Stadium Tour equivalent of responding to a troll’s hateful Instagram comment with “lol.”
KARYN!! She named the cobra KARYN! I’d like to know more about this choice. Why Karyn with a y and not an e? What an unconventional spelling. So many unanswered questions, I will be on the edge of my seat studying her secret IG clues until I get an answer for this one. Obviously Taylor is not over the whole Kimye feud, and that’s fine with me. Feuds are to me as unicorn blood is to Voldemort. They give me life. I hope Taylor takes this one to the grave, and that Karyn is etched on her tombstone.
My Cocktail Making Skills
Despite the entire thesis of my article, Taylor does talk about other things in her essay. Here’s lesson nine:
“I learned how to make some easy cocktails like Pimm’s cups, Aperol spritzes, Old-Fashioneds, and Mojitos because…2016.”
Lol, wait. I take it back, that’s some more shade at Kimye. If you’ll recall, 2016 was the year that the feud of all feuds went down, and Taylor clearly still hasn’t gotten over it. Anyways, in this lesson she’s also coming for my cocktail making skills. Who the f*ck knows how to make an Old-Fashioned? I’m still mastering the vodka soda. Except I don’t have club soda. Or ice. If you come to my apartment, you get a lukewarm vodka and you WILL LIKE IT.
And that’s all! Did I miss any other shade Taylor was throwing? Let me know!
Images: Giphy (1); hiddlove,karliekloss,voguemagazine/Instagram
Have you all been watching The Challenge: Final Reckoning this season? The show is always insane, but this season the contestants are competing for a million dollars, which has caused everyone to lose the precious few brain cells they hadn’t already killed with alcohol and multiple concussions. It’s truly a delight to watch. We’re only three episodes in and two people have already been kicked off for fighting, there was one sensual application of sunscreen, and a rookie has made it clear he wants to smother the vets in their sleep he’s here to make moves.
Not only are the contestants literally coming for each other on the show, but they are also figuratively going for the jugular over Twitter. The lack of shame is simultaneously unbelievable, repulsive, and impressive. It’s like they don’t even care that they’re embarrassing their mothers. Now, I don’t use Twitter because it reveals human nature to be deeply disturbing. But, for all of you, I braved this internet cesspool to round up some of this week’s Challenge feuds. Pray for me.
Everybody Hates Natalie
I had to give Natalie her own category, because it seems like she’s pissing off everyone with a limited vocabulary and access to a keyboard.
Natalie and Shane are in a bit of a tiff because he called her out for being fake. WAIT. People on reality TV are fake?! You mean those aren’t Kylie’s real lips?! I am shook. To quote Shane on Natalie, “You are a user, user, user—sad pathetic, unable to handle criticism loser.” See what I mean about limited vocabulary? Also, it seems like he’s stealing his Twitter insults from someone who runs the free world and also needs his phone taken away from him, amirite? Ill-advised.
GUESS WHAT CAST MEMBER THIS IS ABOUT ???????????????????????????????? https://t.co/Gu44fVnnCQ
— Shane MTV (@shannanity) August 1, 2018
In retaliation, Natalie tweeted that she wasn’t being fake, she was just being nice. Shane came for that too.
Nat! You’re not nice to people you want to slap, you’re rude and ignore them-u act like they’re bullies and u use sympathy and whining to validate yourself. No one thinks your kindness is fake. Your nonstop whining and crying about being “shamed” and “harrassed” is. ???????? Over it pic.twitter.com/tKthdJEM3a
— Shane MTV (@shannanity) August 1, 2018
And finally, Natalie had enough of everyone’s favorite hair-plug truther and blocked Shane like I do to Bank of America everytime they call to remind me to pay my bill.
OMG SOMEONE CALL THE WAHMBULANCE – ???????????? waaahhhhh waaahhhhhhh waHhhhh I promise you if I kissed her ass non-stop or she could USE me (ie had more followers than her) she would have taken it all with an oh you. You don’t deserve my friendship snowFAKE pic.twitter.com/HeBRarcki5
— Shane MTV (@shannanity) August 1, 2018
Then Cara jumped into the fray because Natalie drove to her house, put a gun to her head, and forced her to defend her honor.
The problem is – is that I did like her. And actually have given her many more chances then she’s ever given me to be a real fucking human being deserving of my friendship. News flash – she’s undeserving. Now It’s about exposing the non-stop lies/fakery https://t.co/Fd5E63Y0F6
— Shane MTV (@shannanity) August 1, 2018
Nah, just kidding, I think she just can’t resist not being talked about. So, in summation, Shane’s major problem is that Natalie is fake, and my major problem is that I have yet to attain the level of pettiness that Shane maintains. God bless.
Zach also took a shot at Natalie this week, after she lost her second elimination of the season. FYI THERE HAVE ONLY BEEN TWO ELIMINATIONS THIS SEASON. And yet, Paulie and Natalie remain on the show like the cockroaches that will rule the world when we are all blown up in a nuclear war.
Zach here is how you spell challenge… Give me a C give me an H give me an A give me an L give me an L give me an E give me an N give me a G give me an E… what does that spell?!!! …. Challenge. I’m proud of you ✅
— Natalia Negrotti (@NataliaNegrotti) August 1, 2018
Our bud Zach over here is playing with fire, throwing out insults without running the spell check first. He deserves this clapback from Natalie. Never go against a former cheerleader when spelling simple words is on the line.
Kyle vs. Britni
Britni and Chuck didn’t even make it into the Challenge house this season because she let him die a slow death suffocating in a coffin buried in the beautiful South African earth. Actually, they just sucked at the challenge—that’s just an idea for you there, Britni. But, it seems in the 30 seconds they spent on the show together, Kyle decided that Chuck was a pretty cool dude and he couldn’t wait to see him on the next challenge. Hey, I can certainly decide I hate someone in 30 seconds, so who am I to judge?
Kyle don’t make me put you on my list of people to send booking next season. You know I’m only getting stronger ????????
— Britni Nicol MTV (@BritniNicol) August 1, 2018
Naturally, this pissed Britni off, because one season of twerking on her ex is more than enough for her. It seems Kyle has made a new enemy, so he better watch out, or next season Britni is coming for him. Well, once she figures out how to put on pants. But then he’s really screwed!!
Paulie vs. Chuck’s Girlfriend
I saved the best for last. As we saw in this week’s episode, Paulie told Brad that Chuck and Britni hooked up, just like he told them he would. This reminds me of when I was in college and my best friend would announce that we were ordering pizza that night before we had even started drinking. Just too damn excited about the secret plan to keep your mouth shut for a second. Be cool!
Brad wasn’t the only one pissed about this revelation. It didn’t seem to sit well with Chuck’s girlfriend at home either.
Is it really tho?? I’m @MTV_Chuckalodon girlfriend. Clearly you give no fucks but just so you know deep inside, you single handedly caused me to have one of the worst weeks of my entire life while he was gone filming & your cute little lie spread to my inbox. ???????? @ChallengeMTV
— Miss_TaylorDawn (@miss_taylordawn) August 1, 2018
Oh, honey! I’m so sorry you had a hard week. I hope you made it through! If I had known I would have brought you a bottle of wine and a refreshing slap to the face. Luckily for you, Taylor, your boyfriend didn’t make it past the first challenge. So now he’s back and you can rest easy knowing that he’s definitely not cheating on you at all at home. For sure. He’s like SO faithful. Definitely doesn’t have multiple side pieces. A true gem! Enjoy your week!
And that’s what’s been going on on Twitter this week. I’m going to go wash my brain out with drain cleaner now. And you all should be sure to catch Marie’s savage recaps before next episode!
Images: shannanity (4), natalianegrotti, britninicole, miss_taylordawn/Twitter
When I decided at the not at all young age of twenty-one that I wanted to become a writer, I never would have thought that I’d find myself, just four years later, studiously compiling a list of all the people that the President of the United States has personally feuded with. Anytime that someone (probably rightfully) tries tells you how petty you are, remind them that the most powerful man in the world blocked Chrissy Teigen on Twitter because she said “Lolllllll no one likes you.”
Without further ado, here is the undisputed, completely objective ranking of Donald Trump’s most outrageous feuds. For the sake of brevity and my own sanity, the list was limited to altercations that have occurred since this orange stain of a man became president. Highly recommend rinsing your eyes with bleach upon completion of this article.
Meryl Streep
All the way back in the beginning of 2017, before Trump was even inaugurated, Meryl Streep was one of the first celebrities to publicly stand against him. During an impassioned Golden Globes acceptance speech, our Lord and Savior Meryl called on the media to fight back against Trump’s generally terrible behavior and treatment of humans. Trump, likely sitting at home in front of the TV in his Meryl Streep #1 Fan shirt, did not take her call to arms well. Shocking.
In a nightly ritual that the world would soon become all too familiar with, Trump let off a stream of 3:00AM tweets raging against the objectively most-likeable and respected person in the world.
At this moment we all should have known that the logical next step would be goading hostile world leaders into a nuclear winter, but hindsight is 20/20 I guess.
Lavar Ball
In November, LiAngelo Ball was taken into Chinese custody for shoplifting while in the country for a UCLA Basketball team trip. No one, including his father Lavar, seemed to be especially concerned by this, considering the fact that the Chinese government is wildly corrupt and some light shoplifting is nothing that a hefty bribe can’t resolve.
Trump happened to be in China while this mess was going down and claims to have arranged LiAngelo’s release, for which he apparently expected a parade and sincere, handwritten note from Lavar. He got neither of those things, and took his hurt feelings to, you guessed it, Twitter.
Lavar claims Trump had nothing to do with the release and literally told the President of the United States to stay in his lane. I don’t care how ugly Big Baller Brand’s shoes are, this man is my idol. I cannot understate how badly I want to watch a live televised debate between these two human disasters.
Steph Curry
2017 was a year of many terrible things, but one of the few highlights was the sports world deciding to collectively rise up and tell the Great Pumpkin to fuck off. What a time to be alive.
After winning the NBA Playoffs, Steph Curry of the Golden State Warriors said that he would be abstaining from the traditional White House visit. Being the mature world leader that he is, Trump immediately uninvited him.
It’s taken me a long time to figure out what the most upsetting part about this whole scenario is and I’m just really stuck on the fact that this is a move straight out of my sixth grade playbook. Oh what was that, Morgan? You don’t want to come to my birthday party? That’s funny because I don’t remember inviting you.
Colin Kaepernick
In Trump’s ongoing rampage against black citizens athletes, he set his beady sights on Colin Kaepernick’s peaceful NFL protests. You know, the ones that were hurting literally nobody. At a rally in September, which real life humans are for some reason still attending, Trump said “Wouldn’t you love to see one of these NFL owners, when somebody disrespects our flag, to say ‘Get that son of a bitch off the field right now?’” It’s like the man can’t even pretend he’s not a racist piece of shit.
Kristen Gillibrand
Remember that time that the “leader” of the “free world” implied that a female Democratic Senator traded sexual favors for campaign contributions? No? Let me refresh your memory.
This offensive on so many levels. Most obviously, a man who already has an awful reputation amongst women is out here, on the Internet, implying that a woman who has dedicated her life to politics is giving blow jobs for cash. It’s unreal. Beyond that, this 71-year-old desiccated tangerine seems to think that blow job jokes are the pinnacle of humor. I’m sorry, but I’m still not over the fact that people I occasionally share air with elected him to the most powerful office in the world.
Carmen Yulin Cruz
After Puerto Rico was ravaged by one of the worst hurricanes in the history of modern existence, Trump immediately sent aid and helped rebuild the heavily damaged infrastructure in a country that is very much under his jurisdiction.
NOT. (Please support the Borat voice revival ladies. 2018. It’s happening.)
He flew his lumpy ass down there, tossed some paper towels into a crowd of people like he was operating a t-shirt gun at a basketball game, and then started attacking the Mayor of San Juan on Twitter. Great.
How dare this ungrateful woman expect that the US government come in and prevent the unnecessary death of thousands of people!!! Wake up, snowflake!!! This is America!!! Pick yourself up by your bootstraps and rebuild your entire city by yourself!!
Steve Bannon
Oh how the tables have turned. Once the right hand man to the small hand man, Bannon’s fall from grace has been as entertaining to watch as his rapid de-escalation into an extra on The Walking Dead.
The highly anticipated release of the official Donald Trump Burn Book, Michael Wolff’s Fire and Fury, has further driven an already sizable wedge between the two lovebirds, partially because Bannon helped facilitate it. If you haven’t read some of the juicer excerpts, please read our favs here. It’s Christmas all over again.
Bannon has become hated enough to earn himself a coveted Trump Twitter nickname: Sloppy Steve. While accurate, I’m giving this a C-minus for lack of originality. Sloppy? Sure. But that’s like describing Trump as an apricot left in the sun for too long– barely scraping the surface.
Simpering Steve? Soul Sucking Steve? Nazi-Loving-White-Supremacist-Supporting Steve? Idk, just spit balling here.
Hillary Clinton
It’s been over a year. 424 days to be exact. And he just won’t. Fucking. Let. It. Go. It seems as if whenever Trump runs out of banal things to rage tweet at 3AM from his toilet, he’s got a draft folder of Hillary material just waiting to be published. Just your usual behavior of a very stable genius.
Leave Hillary alone! The woman has suffered enough! She’s had to touch your slimy micro-hands! Let her stroll through her woods in peace!
Kim Jong Un
Lil Kim snagged the coveted number one spot on this list because his feud is going to be the mostly likely to result in all of our deaths. Remember when we thought that Seth Rogen and James Franco were going to be the ones to trigger nuclear war? Those were the days.
Trump’s penchant for calling Kim Jong Un “Little Rocket Man” and tweeting truly unhinged threats at North Korea isn’t new by any stretch of the word, but things have escalated in 2018.
President Molding Yam only needed 48 hours to ruin my resolution of “try not to have a Twitter-induced aneurysm” by tweeting this, the single most abominable sentence that I have every laid my eyes upon. Considering I’ve read at least half of 50 Shades of Grey and some lengthy Twilight fan fiction that a girl in high school asked me to edit, this is a feat.
Sleep soundly tonight knowing that the guy who thinks the “That Was Easy” button from Staples on his desk actually has the capacity to launch nuclear missiles also has the fate of the entire world in his insignificant, orange hands.
Since so many worthy feuds had to be overlooked, here’s an honorable mention of the people and things the President has probably asked the Secret Service to kill before they laughed directly in his face:
Kristen Stewart, Rosie O’Donnell, Jemele Hill, The Media, Angela Merkel, Rihanna, Martha Stewart, Bette Midler, women in general, especially those women he assaulted, immigrants, everyone in Puerto Rico, people who aren’t white, Obama, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Mark Cuban, Neil Young, Michael Moore, David Letterman, Snoop Dog, the TV show SNL, the Broadway play Hamilton, James Comey, Robert Mueller, Senate Republicans, Senate Democrats, the Constitution, the popular vote, anyone capable of rational thought, and last but not least: me, if he ever reads any of the things I’ve written about him.
I would go on but the Decomposing Carrot in Chief has stopped my will to do so.
Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!
Neighbors are the goddamned worst. This is not just a common cliché – it is fact. In college, we had our fair share of upstairs neighbors who sounded like their squeaky bedframes were going to break through the ceiling and fall on our faces. That Seth Rogen/Zac Efron movie, Neighbors, proved that even if you live next door to the most gorgeous human specimen to ever exist (call me, Zac), your neighbor will probably make your life a living hell. Two other neighbors who haven’t exactly been on loving terms lately are Rand Paul and his next-door neighbor, who got in a dispute that went from 0 to 100 real fast.
Who TF Is Rand Paul Again?
In case you need a refresher because all greying, white, male conservative politicians with one-syllable names blend together, let us remind you who we’re talking about here. Rand Paul is a senator from Kentucky with Justin Timberlake circa 1995 hair who had his hat in the race for President last year, but dropped out when he came in 5th out of 12 candidates in the Iowa Republican Caucus. As someone who also quits the second I’m not the best at something, I respect that. My illustrious soccer career ended in preschool and I’ve never looked back.
WTF Happened Here?
According to reports, Rand Paul was minding his business, mowing his expensively manicured lawn on his rich guy ride-along lawnmower, when his neighbor, Rene Boucher, went full Lemonade and beat the shit out of him. Boucher sits on the opposite side of the political spectrum, so at first, many assumed this might have something to do with their wildly different political views. Apparently, it all boiled down to a “landscaping issue”, with Boucher reportedly spazzing out because Paul blew a couple of lawn trimmings over into his yard. Dude needs a Xanax like, yesterday.
I know firsthand how completely psychotic neighbors get about their precious lawns – my parents once got a hand written letter in their mailbox because our petty af neighbors claimed that looking at the back side of our lawn decorations was an “eyesore.” Then, they built a fucking fence in the middle of our shared lawn to mark their territory. So we put some big-ass trees on our side of the fence. How’s that for an eyesore, bitch? Check yourself before you bring a knife to a petty gunfight.
Neighbors aren’t totally positive that stray branches caused Gretchen Weiners to crack Boucher to tackle Paul like a Real Housewife in a catfight, but many say that this conflict has been boiling below the surface for years. Paul ended up with a buildup of fluid around his lungs and six broken ribs as a result of the attack, which is like, pretty fucking serious. Police have charged Boucher with fourth-degree-assault, which is two degrees away from Kevin Bacon, and negative four degrees away from some highly probable jail time.
Here’s hoping Rand Paul has a speedy recovery because, regardless of how you feel about politics, no one deserves six crushed ribs when the argument comes down to leaves. However, I will say that this whole incident is truly bizarre and better than half of the reality TV garbage I subject myself to on a weekly basis. So if someone wants to challenge Kellyanne Conway to a UFC match, I’m not going to not watch, is all I’m saying.
Bob Corker (R-TN-MAYBE OKAY?), has become the first Republican in the Senate to come out, guns-blazing, in opposition to Donald Trump. After announcing his retirement in September, the man has nothing to lose and is ready to take the Orange Meanie down with him. Since then, Senator Jeff Flake of Arizona basically stole Corker’s entire move, announcing yesterday in a statement on the Senate floor that basically translated to: The president is fucking crazy, and for that reason I am out. A brief history of Corker (The OG Trump-hating Republican) and Trump’s feud shows that these two are prototype frenemies, so if you have a friend breakup in your future, please take notes.
April 2016: Back when we all naively thought that the election cycle was the worst thing that could happen to us, Corker said he would “support but not endorse Trump.” K. That’s like telling your friend that you like her boyfriend, but he’s never actually invited to go anywhere with you guys.
May 2016 – December 2016: There were rumors for a bit that Corker was on the shortlist for VP, and then some more rumors that he was in the running for Secretary of State. Then there were even more rumors that the reason Trump didn’t pick Corker for Secretary of State was because he is too short, which is like, reasonable as a restriction for your dating life, but not for the person who runs the entire foreign relations arm of your government. Obviously, Bob Corker is neither Vice President nor Secretary of State, leaving me to believe this man has been quietly seething in spiteful rage since the Inauguration. Same, my dude.
May 2017 – August 2017: Corker told a bunch of reporters what the rest of the world was already thinking: The White House is in a downward spiral. In August he made a statement that Trump “lacks the stability and competence to be president,” which warranted a half-assed response from the White House and an erratic and off topic tweet from Trump. So like, a typical Tuesday in Washington.
September 14, 2017: Right before Corker announced his retirement, it looked like the two were back on track. He described his relationship with Trump as “strong” and they even had a one on one in which neither killed the other. Progress, I guess.
September 26, 2017 – October 4, 2017: Corker announces he is not running for re-election, then low-key shades Trump in the press, saying Defense Secretary Mattis, Tillerson, and Kelly are the only things that protect our country from “chaos.” He’s right.
October 8, 2017 Aka Like Two Weeks Ago: Trumps tweeted that Corker begged for his endorsement for re-election, at which point our man Corker came back with the most fire clapback that an old white Republican could probably produce:
Later that night, Corker told The New York Times he believes Trump will start World War III (tru, tru) and now it’s on. In an interview with Trump’s nemesis, CNN, Corker said that he would not support Trump again if he ran for re-election. He also believes that Agent Orange has “proven himself unable to rise to the occasion,” is “absolutely not” a role model for children, and that his great legacy will be “the debasement of our nation.”
Naturally the Donald had some choice misspelled words to share about this interview on Twitter, but Corker once again came through with a hashtag that we should all probably start using.
Can’t wait to see where the Corker-Trump feud takes us. Airing dirty laundry? Pulling out screenshots? Don’t hold back Bob, you’re doing amazing sweetie.
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