For the past, say, decade of my life, the idea of sex clubs has tantalized my brain. Whether it was watching parts of Eyes Wide Shut when my mom thought I was asleep, or devouring every piece of Fifty Shades like the basic betch I am, something about kinky sex has always fascinated me. And the most interesting kink of all was the sex club.
As someone who is jealous 98% of the time, it made zero sense for me to hit up one of these places. I can’t handle confrontation, comparisons, or situations where my self-confidence will be tested in the slightest. Why did I go, then? The same reason anyone would: My husband and I were drunk, bored, and didn’t feel like going out for sushi again. Well, not that kind of sushi, anyway (sorry, mom).
We had no idea what we were getting into, but f*ck it, we were going. So, as a not-so-adventurous woman who recently lost her sex club v-card, I’m here to walk you through the ins and outs of my first time, and how you and your expectations might just be shook.
Expectation: It Will Be Painfully Awkward Walking In
From ordering the Uber (and most likely dropping the pin a block away so the driver doesn’t know where we’re actually going) to entering the club, the sheer thought of the nerves I’ll feel entering is already making my palms clammy. What do I do with my purse? I probably can’t wear Spanx, right? Will people be naked off the bat? Do we start making out on the dancefloor then go to a room or what? I have absolutely no idea how any of it works, and as someone who studies a restaurant menu for DAYS before actually going to said restaurant, the vast amount of unknowns is the scariest part of all.
Reality: Awkward Is As Awkward Does
There are two ways to approach this situation: embarrassed awkward or excited awkward. Either way, it’s going to be awkward, but you have the option to make it fun or weird. The Uber ride? Weird. Walking into the club and signing waivers and getting a tour of the nearly-empty facility? Very weird. Being set free post-tour to go to the bar and start flirting with strangers? Very, VERY weird. There’s no denying it—this was way out of my comfort zone. The thing to remember is that it’s strange for everyone the first time (at least, I’m assuming?). Instead of pretending it’s not bizzare, embrace the bizarre. Ask questions. Laugh at the strangeness. The only thing that makes it more uncomfortable is pretending it’s NBD watching real, live strangers hump in front of you for the first time.
Expectation: I Will Either Be The Most Or The Least Attractive One There
When I picture my ideal sex club, it involves a lot of people who are between the ages of, say, 22-37 and of the same general attractiveness as I am. Unfortunately, I don’t think that’s what we’ll be walking into. First of all, I live in FLORIDA. Second of all, hot, young people are probably too busy being hot and young to spend an ungodly amount of money to watch strangers have sex on a Saturday night.
After reading reviews of not only the club we’re going to, but every other club in America and a few in Europe, the results are: You have no idea what you’re going to get into (or what’s going to be getting into you, if you know what I mean.). We could walk in and it be all things nose hairs and liver spots, or it could be firm asses and strong abs. My thoughts? Me (a solid 6-8 depending on the day) and my husband (a 10 where it counts) will either be the stars of the freaking show or the stubby outcasts.
Reality: We Had NOTHING To Worry About
As a couple of twentysomethings in a state where the average age of residents is 42, we could have walked in wearing bags over our heads and still been one of the hottest couples in the room. Like in almost any other situation, the sex club offered a wide variety of people of varying attractiveness. The only difference? As opposed to a normal bar or public event, everyone actually tried their best to look good. With a firm dress code, the population obviously put effort into their appearances.
Sure, the majority of the guests were in their 30s-50s, but it wasn’t *just* people who saw the invention of the f*cking telegraph there. By going on a big event night (the club’s biggest Christmas party of the year), we figured there’d be at least a few other couples who weren’t covering up grays yet, and luckily we were correct. While, yes, there were a few uncomfortably attractive people in the mix, all in all it was a collection of normal people who were trying their best to look good, which is better than I can say for almost any other situation I’d find myself in on a normal weekend.
Expectation: It Will Be Expensive AF
if anyone sees me going to a bar with a cover in 2020, please slap me across the face and make me check my bank account
— Betches (@betchesluvthis) January 2, 2020
Now, obviously, as any closeted type-A could tell you, I know the prices of the club. I know how much it costs on any day for single females, couples, and single males (sucks to be you in this situation, gents). I know how much cover is, I know how much the drinks cost before 10pm, and I know how much they’ll price gouge us once it hits 10:01. F*cking duh. What does this look like, amateur hour? But, there’s still an element of the unknown. Will I feel so uncomfortable that I’ll have to down multiple $15 shots before I can make eye contact with anyone or will I be able to make both sexually AND fiscally responsible decisions?!
Reality: It Was Expensive AF
I knew the price of cover. I knew the price of the drinks. Hell, I even knew the price of how much the 30-minute Uber would cost to and from the venue. That still did not prepare me for looking at my credit card statement the next morning. My estimated cost for the evening? $175. The actual amount I spent over the course of the evening? Around $350. Between surge pricing, after-drinking munchies, and the fact that I become a shot-buying whore the second liquor hits my lips, the damage was as painful as my post-sex club hangover.
Expectation: The “Play Areas” Will Be Disgusting
From what I understand about how these places work, there are spaces where the sex happens and there are spaces the sex doesn’t happen. The hookup-free areas are basically like any other bar (loud music, crowded dance floor, sexual tension) and it’s not until you head to the play areas that things really get ~scandalous~. My vision for these areas? A lot of pleather and plastic that will instantly make me wish I brought my own Lysol wipes. Will there be a dungeon with cheap chains and posters of bars on the wall? Sure. Will there be beds with mirrors above them? You betcha. Do I think I’ll be turned on? Not in the slightest.
Reality: Disgusting? No. Weird? Yes
This particular place had two separate areas, the bar and the play areas. While the bar area was like any other bar I’ve ever been to, with pool tables and oldies-stocked jukeboxes, the play areas were unlike anything I’ve ever seen.
It took us a while (and by “a while” I mean a lot of drinks) to build the courage to switch over to the non-bar side, but once we did, we were astounded. Room after room of plush, king-sized beds greeted us, each with a different theme (a space room, a safari room, a fully red room), a mirror on the ceiling, and a window where other people could watch you get it on. Beyond the private rooms were the group rooms complete with, you guessed it, black, pleather couches. So. Many. Black pleather couches. Beyond that? Again, you guessed it: a dungeon with multiple cages, sex swings, chains, and a wall full of things like whips, gags, blindfolds, belts, and clamps.
The one way it differed from what I expected was how clean it was. Everywhere you looked, hand sanitizer dispensers were mounted on walls, fresh towels were being laid out by polite-yet-detached workers, and the linens on the beds were being changed and the couches were being thoroughly wiped down. On one hand, I didn’t feel like I was going to catch something by accidentally brushing up against an armchair. On the other hand, seeing someone in latex gloves scrub down a chaise lounge after four couples orgasmed all over it was slightly unappealing. Overall, was it hot? Sort of, and also sort of not.
Expectation: I’ll Be Turning People Down Nonstop
I could expect this to go either way, but in my head, I’m going to be optimistic. As soon as we walk in, a spotlight is going to land on me and the entire bar will let out a soft, slightly sexual gasp. She has arrived and oh, isn’t she perfection? Couples will stampede over to me, tripping on their stripper heels and slipping across the lubed up floor to be the first to talk to me.
With pleasant, knowing smiles, my husband and I will graciously greet our new fans and politely tell them that *giggle* it’s our first time. *Giggle* We’re sex club virgins. We’re just here to observe for now, but we’ll see how the night goes. *Wink.* From free drinks and shots to private tours of the facility and endless compliments, we’ll be the most sought-after couple, not only that night, but to have ever entered the club.
Reality: “Nonstop” Was A Littleeee Optimistic
Did people hit on me? Yes *hair flip.* Was it nonstop? Not even a little bit. Turns out, the world did not stop turning the moment I crossed the threshold into the latex-scented caves. The thing is, the people at sex clubs are used to other people coming into sex clubs, especially the newbies. While multiple couples and single females came up to us, no one was especially pushy or weird. In fact, it was just like any other situation: Light small talk and downing drinks. The only difference is that after a few minutes people would ask if you wanted to f*ck them. The craziest part? A polite “no thanks” was all it took for them to smile and walk away. REVOLUTIONARY! While it felt a little uncomfortable turning people down at first, in this environment it feels totally safe to ask for sex and to casually say no. Again, REVOLUTIONARY.
Expectation: The Jealousy Will Be Out Of Control
If this boy breaks my heart I’m skipping the subtweets and just shooting him
— 𝖆𝖑𝖒𝖔𝖓𝖉𝖒𝖎𝖑𝖐𝖍𝖚𝖓𝖓𝖎 (@almondmilkhunni) December 30, 2019
As stated before, I am, as the French say, “a jealous-ass bitch.” Ever since my first boyfriend in second grade kissed my ex-best friend behind the slide, my trust issues have been out of control. So, the thought of walking around a venue where my husband would not only be looking at other women, but potentially be solicited by said women, seems like a special circle of hell specifically reserved for me. And bonus points? I get to pay for it!!!!
Reality: You Can Be As Cool Or As Jealous As You Want
In almost any situation, if another female so much as brushes against my man, I’ll be right there to casually elbow the bitch away and put my tongue down his throat. I had a feeling this would be the same, except elevated. In reality, removing the weird boundary that we *couldn’t* check out or flirt with other people actually lessened the jealousy. Sure, there was still some, like when the brunette wearing nothing but pasties was talking to my husband about finance for 10 minutes, but in reality, it just made things more exciting. With trust and communication, you got the thrill without the actual risk of cheating.
Expectation: I’ll Hook Up With Someone
Whether it’s my husband or someone else, that’s kind of the whole point of the place, right? Naturally, we have set up rules before entering this, as any couple who doesn’t want to break up in the center of the dance floor needs to do. We know what is and isn’t off-limits and we both have the right to say “let’s leave” on a moment’s notice and then we’ll hightail it outta there. That said, even with all of the unsexy and very rigorous boundaries in place, the whole point of this (other than internet fame and bringing shame to my parents) is to get laid. If I’m shelling out that much money for overpriced drinks and bad dance music, you better believe I’m going to get weird.
Reality: F*cking Duh.
All I want this year is to get laid more & cry less
— libra in the streets scorpio in the sheets (@garbage_babey) January 2, 2020
I was dressed like a slutty elf. I spent $350 on ONE NIGHT OUT. We started drinking at 5pm. Yes, I had sex. Yes, stuff happened with strangers. No, my husband and I didn’t break up because of it. Yes, it was a f*cking blast. Yes, it made our relationship stronger. No, I don’t think it’s cheating. Yes, I would HIGHLY suggest going. No, you’re not going to get any more scandalous details from me about what went down. Not yet, at least…
Expectation: Sex Clubs Will Become My New Thing
Considering my love of attention and my thirst for anything taboo, I have a feeling that once I step foot into my first sex club, I’ll want to keep coming again and again and again. Yeah, yeah—pun fully intended.
Reality: To Be Determined
While I’m not sure I’m going to purchase an annual pass to my neighborhood sex club, I’m also not writing the idea off. While I wasn’t obsessed with the venue, the clientele, or those freaking black pleather couches (ugh), there’s something to be said for branching out of your usual bedroom routine and trying something different. Whether that means a gang bang or just giggling with your partner in the corner, there’s something (read: orgasms) for everyone who is willing to get out of their comfort zone.
Images: Alexander Popov / Unsplash; uuppod, betchesluvthis, almondmilkhunni, garbage_babey / Twitter
According to Urban Dictionary (aka the most credible source for sexual terms), a kink is a “sexual taste” specifically for a person or behavior. However, although a kink tends to be something sexual you enjoy that isn’t “normal,” it really is dependent on the person and like, the time. For example, I’m sure your great grandma thought a hot makeout sesh using tongue was v kinky but now that’s just how people say hello. Kidding, sort of. But, a kink isn’t to be confused with a fetish, which is typically “a sexual fixation or obsession with a usually non-sexual object” (or body part, per Merriam-Wester). But people tend to use them interchangeably, which I hope you won’t after this article.
According to the Daily Mail, the main difference between the two is a kink is enjoyed but isn’t necessary for arousal, whereas a fetish is needed every time you do the dirty. According to a study done by SKYN (yes, the condom brand), they found that people want more kinkiness or fantasy in their sex lives—precisely, 84% of people, according to “The Bondage Survey.” So maybe we should stop having shame in the kink game. Here are some of the most common sexual kinks. Who knows, maybe it’ll give you some ideas (or feel less embarrassed about what you like in bed).
1. Voyeurism
According to The Journal of Sex Research, 35% of the 1,040 Canadians they studied, enjoyed voyeurism, which is the act of watching other people have sex. TBH this shouldn’t be that surprising out of the most common sexual kinks if you just think about how many people watch porn. Also not surprising? It’s more common that men enjoy this kink than women. Just don’t be creepy and watch people through their windows or whatever (since it’s a sexual offense and all and we’d have to call the Special Victims Unit).
2. Fetishism
To make things even more confusing, a fetish is among the most common sexual kinks (44.5% desiring it) but a kink isn’t necessarily a fetish. Guess it’s kind of like how a square is a type of rectangle but a rectangle isn’t a square? Although fairly common for men and women, females are slightly more likely to enjoy a fetish. Remember, a fetish is being aroused by a typically non-sexual object. So although you might automatically think “foot fetish” when someone says fetish, that’s not all there is. Remember the My Strange Addiction episode when the guy admitted he has sex with his car? Yeah, there are levels to this.
3. Coupled Exhibitionism
Aka being naked (flashing) or having sex in public. Just over 30% of people want to get down and dirty in public with their partner. Be careful: like voyeurism, exhibitionism is another one of the most common sexual kinks that can land you in jail. Penalties for public indecency or “lewdness” (as the criminal code states) is dependent on state laws, so do your research before venturing outdoors.
4. Masochism
The Journal of Sex Research found that 19% of people enjoyed this kink. Masochism is “The deriving of sexual gratification, or the tendency to derive sexual gratification, from being physically or emotionally abused.” Or slightly less intense, “The feeling of pleasure (sexual) from being hurt.” So if you like a good spanking while having sex, you may enjoy one of the most common sexual kinks.
5. Infantilism
This might come as a shock, but infantilism, or engaging in child-like behavior, is actually a fairly common kink. It typically involves the man acting like a baby and their partner role-playing as the mom or nanny. It most commonly includes an adult diaper but can also involve a crib, pacifier, bottles, and speaking gibberish. If you decide to try this one out, just make sure your safe word is something other than “goo-goo-ga-ga.”
6. Bondage
Chances are you’ve already done this one. If you or your partner have tied each other up (even using those innocent-looking fuzzy handcuffs) you’ve engaged in bondage. This one is part of the dominant-submissive roles that so many people love. If you’re super into it, you might relate to Christian Grey more than others. If you want to incorporate this but don’t know how, check out these easy BDSM moves.
7. Role-Playing
This is a super common kink that so many people don’t even realize it counts as a kink. Role-playing lets you act out your craziest fantasies without being socially inappropriate or risk being arrested. If you have a medical fantasy, act out a patient-doctor scenario with your partner. Or if a school fantasy is more your style, pretend to be a teacher and your partner is your student. The scenarios are endless, which makes it always fun.
8. Group Sex
This can be a threesome or even an orgy (aka with more than three people). If you aren’t so down to get down with people other than your partner, try incorporating some sex toys to get the pleasure of different sensations without having to bring in (or talk to) another person.
9. Lingerie
Ever wonder why people are so insistent to get a lingerie set for their wedding night? Technically, since lingerie is an inanimate object, this one can be referred to as a fetish. But either way, even people who don’t consider themselves kinky often enjoy this common kink. So many women own sexy underwear, a cute teddy, or some stockings. Whip them up and get kinky. Don’t know what to buy? Here’s our guide to lingerie.
Whatever your kink may be, make sure you always are engaging in consensual sex and have fun. Sex doesn’t have to be so damn serious.
Images: Giphy (9)
Remember when we we were embarrassed to read 50 Shades of Grey in public? Or when we thought Fifty Shades of Grey actually turned us on—ok fine, maybe it still does. Well, it’s been six years since the poorly written Twilight fan fiction opened our eyes to the world of BDSM, and while we are still suffering the consequences of the extremely poor movie casting (have you ever seen two people hate each other on camera more that Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan?), we can all be at least a little thankful to the series for forcing us to embrace the existence of sexual fetishes.
I’m no Anastasia Steele—if I were to rank my level of sexual experimentation on a Ben & Jerry’s scale of Vanilla to Spectacular Speculoos Core, I’d be a solid half pint of Peanut Butter Cup. So while submissive fantasies might not be my thing, I totally respect the fact that they might be yours. And you know what—you definitely aren’t alone. Almost everyone has some sort of fetish, and we should all start talking about them more. Because life (and sex) is better with choices. So if you are still feeling self conscious, here are a list of fetishes that are totally common to enjoy.
1. Exhibitionism
Why should you keep your performance to yourself? You are fucking good at fucking—show it off. Maybe that means sex in a public place, or maybe you’re Kim Kardashian in the sheets and you just want to press record. Either way, own it, girl—you look good on camera. (Just, you know, make sure you trust the guy and you store any incriminating photos or videos in a double-encrypted app/storage system.)
2. Domination
There is nothing weak about wanting to be told what to do in the bedroom, and there is definitely nothing weak about a man who wants to be dominated. Most days I get tired of making decisions by lunch (do I want a sandwich or sushi…ugh life is hard), so getting strict instructions that will lead to an orgasm and then sleep sounds like a great way to end the day.
3. Swinging
It’s like throwing your car keys into a fish bowl, but modern and less creepy ’cause it’s not your parents. You take the betrayal out of sleeping with someone else and there’s no more cheating—just a hot sexual experience for both you and your partner…and some other lucky people.
4. Bondage
There is a reason everyone associates handcuffs with sexual fantasy, and it’s not because anyone has any desire to be arrested. Also, if you haven’t heard of Shibari you should check that shit out—it’s like being a sex trapeze artist (double fantasy, amiright?). TBH, I often don’t know what to do with my hands during sex, so tying me up would be super helpful.
Selena Gomez, our favorite oversexualized adult baby and most-followed person on Instagram, is back with a new single, and the accompanying video clip honestly makes us cringe more than a little bit. Here’s some background: the new song is called Fetish. Yeah. RIP Selena Gomez the Disney star. She is dead and buried. In the lyrics, the fetish is just actually for some dude’s love (lame), but it’s clear the message she’s trying to get across is a little more Fifty Shades. Dating The Weeknd has definitely been giving her some ideas. The song features Gucci Mane, who definitely went to prison at some point, but Selena is a Mature Adult™️ who does whatever she wants. I mean, the two were in ‘Spring Breakers’ together, so I guess it’s nice to see them collab again. The first one was soooo successful.
Like ya do, Selena dropped a music video to accompnay her so and it is definitely in line with her new sex kitten brand. The audio/video/porno is 3 minutes and 4 seconds of only her lips, mouthing the words to the song and then just kind of hanging out for the rest of the time. The highlight is definitely during Gucci’s verse, when she decides to just suck on her finger for a bit. The video itself is bizarrely labeled “Fetish (Audio)” on YouTube, but it’s literally a video so who knows wtf that is about. Maybe there is another, even more explicit video to come? Who knows what body part that will be focused on. I vote elbow.
I guess we’ll all just have to sit around and wait for the full version of the video to come out, which it definitely will. There’s no way the most followed person on Instagram is cool with having only part of her face in a video. There’s also no doubt whatever Selena is cooking up next will be just as sexual but probably involve like seven more outfit changes. Homegirl is trying to make it very clear that she’s not a child anymore. Like girl, we believe you, you’ve been singing about sex for a solid three years now.
Check out the video for yourself if you’re dying to figure out what kind of lip balm Ms. Gomez is using, but other than that you can probably just listen to the song on Spotify.
