Coachella weekend two was about as star-studded as the last bat mitzvah you attended, which kind of sucks for anyone who had shit to do besides dehydrate in the desert and was counting on scrolling through celebrity Instagram posts to ease the FOMO. The second weekend was basically a boozy brunch that you really wanted to attend because there’s a great drink special and it’s at a really IG-worthy restaurant, but you have to skip it because you’re still throwing up the vodka crans you had the night before. Like almost every Tinder profile in existence, the last weekend of Coachella was seriously lacking good photos and the ones that were actually posted were pretty questionable.
Paris Hilton is apparently launching a line with David’s Bridal. Okay, I just completely made that up, but I literally cannot think of any other reason why she’d show up to Coachella dressed like a miserable bridesmaid at a destination wedding. Honestly, she probably typed the #CoachellaMermaid caption while sipping on a Venti Unicorn Frappuccino from Starbucks. I don’t understand why Paris can’t just go back to wearing Juicy tracksuits and Von Dutch hats.
Vanessa Hudgens clung onto any last shred of relevancy by wearing a maxi dress that was clearly stolen from the wardrobe department of That 70’s Show, hoping a stoned festivalgoer might mistake her for Mila Kunis.
Shay Mitchell wore a Canadian Tuxedo in 99 degree heat with a pair of Adidas slider sandals, which sounds like a Fear Factor challenge. I’d rather lay in a box of scorpions than wear five pounds of denim in the desert, which is saying a lot because I get freaked out just swiping past the spider in my emoji keyboard.
Kehlani—who you’ve probably never heard of but whose album is fire—celebrated her 22nd birthday at Coachella, which totally beats taking a photo next to giant gold 22 balloons in a slutty dress like everyone else does. I’m a little bit confused as to why she wore the yellow mesh tank top Hannah Horvath wore that one time she did cocaine on Girls, but it was her birthday, so I’ll try to keep my comments to myself for once.
Lauren Jauregui (Editor’s Note: who?) was probably the betchiest celebrity of weekend two, because she didn’t even go, but casually posted a bunch of photos of this sick outfit from the first weekend. Posting photos a week late is such a power move. Like, obviously everyone dresses for the Insta at Coachella, but late posts make it seem like you were too busy blacking out to pick a decent filter. Even Lauren’s outfit is a subtle brag. The long mesh top makes it look like she’s wearing more than just a bralette and shorts, but still shows off a lot of skin.
This extremely underwhelming fashion roundup raises a serious question, though: Is Coachella becoming lame? Or was everyone just too hungover? I guess we won’t find out until next year.