Coachella weekend two was about as star-studded as the last bat mitzvah you attended, which kind of sucks for anyone who had shit to do besides dehydrate in the desert and was counting on scrolling through celebrity Instagram posts to ease the FOMO. The second weekend was basically a boozy brunch that you really wanted to attend because there’s a great drink special and it’s at a really IG-worthy restaurant, but you have to skip it because you’re still throwing up the vodka crans you had the night before. Like almost every Tinder profile in existence, the last weekend of Coachella was seriously lacking good photos and the ones that were actually posted were pretty questionable.
Paris Hilton is apparently launching a line with David’s Bridal. Okay, I just completely made that up, but I literally cannot think of any other reason why she’d show up to Coachella dressed like a miserable bridesmaid at a destination wedding. Honestly, she probably typed the #CoachellaMermaid caption while sipping on a Venti Unicorn Frappuccino from Starbucks. I don’t understand why Paris can’t just go back to wearing Juicy tracksuits and Von Dutch hats.
Vanessa Hudgens clung onto any last shred of relevancy by wearing a maxi dress that was clearly stolen from the wardrobe department of That 70’s Show, hoping a stoned festivalgoer might mistake her for Mila Kunis.
Shay Mitchell wore a Canadian Tuxedo in 99 degree heat with a pair of Adidas slider sandals, which sounds like a Fear Factor challenge. I’d rather lay in a box of scorpions than wear five pounds of denim in the desert, which is saying a lot because I get freaked out just swiping past the spider in my emoji keyboard.
Kehlani—who you’ve probably never heard of but whose album is fire—celebrated her 22nd birthday at Coachella, which totally beats taking a photo next to giant gold 22 balloons in a slutty dress like everyone else does. I’m a little bit confused as to why she wore the yellow mesh tank top Hannah Horvath wore that one time she did cocaine on Girls, but it was her birthday, so I’ll try to keep my comments to myself for once.
Lauren Jauregui (Editor’s Note: who?) was probably the betchiest celebrity of weekend two, because she didn’t even go, but casually posted a bunch of photos of this sick outfit from the first weekend. Posting photos a week late is such a power move. Like, obviously everyone dresses for the Insta at Coachella, but late posts make it seem like you were too busy blacking out to pick a decent filter. Even Lauren’s outfit is a subtle brag. The long mesh top makes it look like she’s wearing more than just a bralette and shorts, but still shows off a lot of skin.
This extremely underwhelming fashion roundup raises a serious question, though: Is Coachella becoming lame? Or was everyone just too hungover? I guess we won’t find out until next year.
The most important Instagram event of the year is finally here. I’m obviously talking about Coachella, the music festival that has practically just become a contest to see who can walk around the desert in 100 degree weather with the most shit glued to their head before they pass out. Coachella fashion is a tricky thing, because you’re pretty much required to wear as little clothing as possible, but also be really trendy, but also wear something that nobody else has ever worn before. Like buying an unlimited pass to a 6am spin class, dressing for Coachella is almost always just setting yourself up for failure. Of course there are always a few geniuses who actually get it right, so let’s take a moment to celebrate them and then shit on the people who clearly shopped for their outfits while blindfolded in the clearance section of Forever 21.
Best
Rihanna
RiRi Is the best dressed wherever she goes, so this is literally the most unsurprising news of all time. This betch took the basic ripped shorts and tank top Coachella look but made it iconic. It’s funny that we all ripped on Justin Bobby for wearing combat boots to the beach on The Hills, but now that homegirl wore a full crystal Gucci bodysuit to the damn desert, everyone’s so down. Times change, I guess.
Hailey Baldwin
I saw Hailey Baldwin wearing army pants and a beaded bra thing, so I wore army pants and a beaded bra thing.
Hailee Steinfeld
I’ll let the picstitch slide because this outfit is so good. Last year, matching shorts and crop top sets were a huge Coachella trend. This year, Hailee gave zero Fs, skipped the pants, and redefined matching set to mean a giant T-shirt and coordinating thigh-high boots.
Justine Skye
You know when you’re getting dressed to go out, and sweatpants are all that fit you right now, so you actually genuinely consider it for a second? Well, Justine Skye literally did that at Coachella. Except, they’re holographic sweats with a body chain and a crop top, which I wouldn’t generally advise for anyone on an all carb diet—but for Justine, it’s working.
Worst
Katy Perry
I never thought I’d miss the days when Katy Perry glued cupcakes to her tits, but here we are. She looks like she got locked out of a Macy’s dressing room while trying on a maid of honor dress after a Zumba class.
Selena Gomez
Selena usually slays, but apparently, she’s caught a bad case of “I just got a new boyfriend so now I’m going to dress like shit because I’m happy.” So boring. Just because Coachella happened during Easter doesn’t mean she can wear an outfit from the Sears Easter sale.
Paris Hilton
Paris Hilton wore a flower crown to Coachella. That’s social suicide. But I mean, I guess that’s what happens when you’re 36 and fucking clueless but trying to stay relevant. It’s kind of like those girls who were a few years older than you in high school and now post selfies from weird angles with the InstaSize watermark in the corner. It’s so sad to see someone who was once popular with great hair have such a tragic downfall. Oh well.
Kendall Jenner
Kendall looks like she should be complaining about menopause over a pitcher of sangria with Samantha Jones in the first Sex and the City movie. This outfit just doesn’t look like it belongs at a festival where everyone else is like, dropping acid and wearing ripped fishnets and glitter.
Need to recover from Coachella? Read our tips here!
Music festival season is in full force, so brace your social media yourself. While I usually like to avoid 16-year-olds in crop tops, some festival lineups are hard to ignore. Besides, weren’t we all once 16-year-olds in crop tops? Also, it is hard to deny the allure of lots of day drinking. Plus, I heard Kendall Jenner goes to music festivals in army pants and flip flops, so I go to music festivals in army pants and flip flops.
So, if you find yourself feeling the ~desert vibes~ or ~farm vibes~ or just general ~vibes~ this year, take notes. Here are 5 trends to lookout for in 2017, and 5 trends you should burn with the memories of taking bad molly at Coachella and licking strangers’ faces. Or was that just me?
1. Instead of a flower crown, try a felt hat.
Felt hats def master the whole “I’m unapproachable but still chill af” vibe. They’re relaxed, edgy, and the bandana trim lets people know you spent just as much money on your ensemble as you did your ticket. You’re probably saying but what’s a music festival without a flower crown? A place I’d much rather be at, that’s what. How did we let a bunch of Frida Kahlo nightmares parade around with fake daisies in their hair, ruining festival fashion for everyone? Last time I checked, you’re not a Game of Thrones character or Lana Del Rey, so log off Etsy, get tf out of Forever 21, and throw out your flower crown. Also, a felt hat will keep the sun out of your heavily dilated eyes, which you’ll def be grateful for.
2. Instead of body jewelry, try a statement necklace.
Can we all agree that jewelry is doing just fine where it’s supposed to be sitting on your body? Call me old fashioned, but I’m fine wearing a necklace that goes around my neck, no thigh-gap chains necessary over here. This wrap necklace from Pritiworld is a perfect accessory—pair it with any simple outfit and look effortlessly festival-ready. The arrowhead accent makes a statement and the delicate beads keeps the necklace from trying too hard, bless.
3. Instead of rave boots, try platform sneakers.
I sometimes wake up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night, haunted by all the rainbow fuzzy rave boots I’ve seen in my years. Like, thanks for reminding America that your dad hates you. I don’t think the full back tattoo was doing a good enough job. And while you can LITERALLY PUT ON ANY OTHER SHOE and it’ll be better than a rave boot, why not try out a platform sneaker this festival season? A flat, closed toe shoe is always the safest bet for standing around and walking all day. It’s like when your mom told you to wear sensible footwear, but now you don’t have to ruin your fire outfit with a not so sick pair of New Balances. Platform sneakers add just a little height (you’re welcome, booty) without killing your legs. And the metallic stars subtly add that girly-grunge feel to your outfit without doing the absolute most.
4. Instead of eye jewels, try a cool pair of sunglasses.
93% sure I’ve read somewhere that the right pair of sunglasses is scientifically proven to a) bump you two points hotter and b) give you way more Insta likes. These thick-framed marble sunglasses look great with sundresses or tank tops and will distract from the fact that you’ve sweat off all your makeup. Consider swapping jewels for sunglasses the next time you decide to draw as much attention to your face as possible. You’re not performing drag, and you’re not Zenon Girl of the 21st Century, so frankly I just don’t know why you think gluing colorful gems, glitter, and crescent moons all over your t-zone would be chill.
5. Instead of high waisted shorts, try overalls.
High waisted shorts are like the hookup you promise yourself you won’t crawl back to. It’s easy to say you won’t text him when you’re sober, but now it’s 1am, and you and I both know you’re not asking if he’s up out of concern for his sleeping habits. With more ways now than ever to wear denim, we’re better than high waisted shorts. They’ve always been there, and they will always be there, and I’m telling you there’s more to life. Easily style this patched overall dress with a lace bandeau or crop top underneath. Now you’re showing just enough skin to low-key dress like a slut.
