There’s something about Spring that gives us a sense of revival—you’re stowing away the heavy winter coats, shedding those few extra pounds you packed on during hibernation mode, and dropping those fuckboys that you kept around strictly for “cuffing season.” But before you start spending your Saturdays drinking rosé on a rooftop somewhere, you should probably go through your closet and do some spring cleaning in preparation for the warmer months.
To help you purge your closet just like you’ve purged your life (by leaving last year’s bullshit in 2017), we’ve come up with a list of the dumpster fire trends you need to ditch just in time for beach week.
Unicorn Everything
For whatever reason 2017 was the year of pastel unicorn everything. From hair trends to clothes to makeup, everything looked like a mythical creature threw up on it—especially on the grounds of Coachella. So with festival season quickly approaching, let’s make an effort to do away with the unicorn trend and reach for chicer variations of bright colors and bedazzled pieces.
Oversize Sweatshirts With Thigh-high Boots
Like most absurd trends, this impractical look was made famous by the royal family of Calabasas. Let’s assess for a second: The Kardashian/Jenner sisters really convinced us to romp around in thigh-high heeled boots paired with large, oversize sweatshirts. And in some cases, even T-shirts. And like, fine. I love a comfy sweatshirt as much as the next betch who spends her Sundays hungover on her couch ordering Domino’s. But what were we really trying to accomplish with this look? Was it supposed to be sexy yet comfortable? I mean sure it’s sexy when you can afford like $1,500 Balenciaga thigh-highs, but to me, this trend just feels like KKW is Regina George when she rocks the tank with the nipple holes. We’re all just her army of hopeless skanks following suit.
Corset Belts
If you wear an Hourglass Gal waist trainer to work out and your waist is like 20 inches, I’m really happy for you and I’m going to let you finish but we don’t need to see your fake corset belt OVER your shirt in 2018. This trend is almost as bad as when we thought it was a good idea to wear belts just sitting on our hips on top of our long Abercrombie & Fitch tank tops back in like ’06.
Chokers
If you’ve been patiently waiting for the dog collar choker trend to die, 2018 is the year. We’re layering dainty gold and silver necklaces in 2018 and tossing out the black velvet chokers that we’ve been holding on to for dear life for the past few years.
Millennial Pink
What kind of sign is it that the color chosen to represent millennials is the same color as Pepto Bismol? At any rate, it’s out with the diarrhea medicine hue and in with Gen-Z yellow.
Fur Slides
Bad gal RiRi gave us the OG faux fur slides with her Spring 2016 Fenty Puma x Rihanna collection, and ever since we’ve seen some of the worst knock-offs. We’re really ready to retire this trend in 2018. Although the idea of adding fur to a pool slide didn’t make much sense, they were fun while they lasted. But thanks to the oversaturated, tacky knock-offs it’s finally time to lay this trend to rest.
Cork-Heeled Wedges And Heels
We really hope that you don’t still have cork-heeled wedges and heels in your closet, but if you do, throw them out. Now. There’s something about the warmer months that make basic bitches want to break out cork-heeled shoes like they’re synonymous with summer, but we’re asking you to please do away with this heinous look. If you’ve found yourself shoeless after throwing out corked shoes, see our spring shoe shopping guide here.
Worn-Out Leggings
This may seem like an obvious item to toss during your Spring cleaning purge. But considering it doesn’t look like the athleisure trend is going anywhere anytime soon, it’s time we get rid of ill-fitting, over-worn leggings. Toss out those leggings with the hole in the crotch that make your butt look saggy and treat yo’self with a brand new pair of leggings or jogger pants—because why not spend money on the item of clothing that you spend the most time in?
Images: Kourtney Kardashian, closet.nia, fentyxpuma, tonybianco / Instagram; Giphy (4)
In case you have no idea what’s going on in the beauty world rn (honestly I don’t blame you, some of that shit is frightening), Rihanna just came out with a new beauty line and people are losing their goddamn minds over it. Seriously. I went to Sephora the day after it launched and the sheer panic I saw on some people’s faces after they realized certain products were out of stock was akin to the panic I feel when I realize my roommate “mixed up” our wines the night before and now I’m stuck with warm moscato. But this is also coming from someone who will do anything not to interact with other humans prefers to online shop. Whatever. But, like, is braving a slightly deranged crowd with nothing but your bare hands to protect yourself with even worth it for Fenty? Lol of course it is, because everything Rihanna touches is fucking gold. Seriously, Rihanna says “jump” I say “how many bitches do you want me to cut for you?” And if you’re still feeling like you’re scared to spend all of your money at Sephora unsure about the beauty line, let me break it down for you because, yes, I’ve been there, tried the products, and tested the selfies. I take my journalistic integrity v seriously. So here’s an exclusive look at Rihanna’s Fenty line: the good, the meh, and the wtf did I just buy. You’re welcome.
THE GOOD
If anyone knows how to take your lip game next fucking level it’s Rihanna. The Glass Bomb Universal Lip Luminizer was my favorite product hands down of her new line. Instead of creating 50 million shades with names like “Tiger Orgasm” and “Underage”—looking at you, MAC—Rihanna decided not to fuck with any of that and chose to create just one shade in just one finish with the end result being rose gold perfection. The gloss has just the tiniest bit of shimmery particles in it, but it doesn’t feel super clumpy or sticky. Plus it’s loaded with shea butter so it’s hydrating AF.
I’ll admit I was v skeptical going into this because normally I prefer my lip color to be as dark as my soul and, like, what would a rose gold lip gloss say about me? That I’m open to people approaching me? That I’m pleasant to be around?? Nah, that sounds terrifying. But I should have known that Rihanna wouldn’t make a lip gloss unless it was edgy AF. Even though it’s a shade I wouldn’t normally wear, it enhances your pout in all the best ways and, honestly, I can’t argue with that.
Also, apparently Rihanna said she made this lip gloss because she “wanted the girls to get kissed more.” It’s good to know that Rihanna appreciates me and my lifestyle a hoe just trying to hoe.
THE MEH
“Meh” is maybe too negative of a word to encapsulate my feelings regarding the matchstick. Maybe the category could have been more aptly named “will buy to feel closer to Rihanna” because I actually liked the product overall, I just didn’t love it enough to endorse on my personal Instagram story. The matchsticks come in two different versions: SHIMMER to “highlight, blush, and enhance” and MATTE to “conceal, correct, and contour.” I went with a shimmer matchstick in starstruck because I am extra and I know it. The color was bomb and I felt like Rihanna right before she claps back in a press interview.
^^Literal mood wearing this highlighter
The matchsticks come in 10 shades so you can get as basic or as Bella Thorne as you want with it. And they’re all long wear, weightless, blendable and “LIVE to be layered.” My only complaint is that the matchstick didn’t rub in as easily as I expected it to. You really have to give a minimal amount of effort put some elbow grease into blending it, lest you end up looking fucking iridescent at your 9am department meeting.
THE WTF DID I JUST BUY
So I know I’m about to make myself v unpopular but I really didn’t like the foundation. *waits to be skewered in the comments* Something that may or may not have influenced this review was buying the wrong shade for my skin tone because the saleslady was looking at me like I was fresh meat and I panic in situations where I have to interact with strangers for more than five seconds. You know, hypothetically speaking of course. Even though I bought a shade of foundation that better complements the skin tone of a corpse, I found other issues with the product as well. But first let’s talk about what impressed me:
THE PROS: There’s over 40 shades of foundation to choose from and all skin tones are represented so, like, I’ll slow clap for that. It’s a beauty line that gives representation to women of color, which is fucking amazing and frankly way overdue.
THE CONS: It’s quick to dry so you need to move fast AF if you want to rub it all in before it dries. And since my average speed is “DMV worker” let’s just say I don’t move fast enough. When it does dry it has a super chalky finish to it. Instead of hiding all of my imperfections (lol as if I have any of those) it was magnifying them (again, if I had any). Seriously, there were pictures that were supposed to along with this review but they had to be destroyed because I looked like an actual mole person.
^^Actual footage of my trying on this foundation. #MaybeShesBornWithIt
Tbh I probs just don’t have the skin type for this shit. If you have more oily skin then you’ll love the Fenty foundation. If you have drier skin because you drink wine like it’s your suggested daily water intake then I’d suggest moisturizing the fuck out of your skin before applying the foundation. Using primer is also a must for this foundation prep. Since I like to do the literal bare minimum when it comes to my beauty routine, I wasn’t too impressed. Sorry, RiRi, but it’s a no from me.
FINAL VERDICT
Honestly, Rihanna could try to sell me shoe polish and call it a beauty product and I’d STILL be here for it. All my shit talking aside, let’s not pretend like I won’t spend this month’s rent on the rest of her beauty products.
