While historically Disney doesn’t exactly have the best rep for being inclusive or tolerant (Google Walt Disney—he was notttt the most chill guy when it came to anyone who was not white, Christian, and male), our favorite princess movies have really gotten their act together, especially more recently. But even before Disney set the world aflame by—gasp—having two male characters kiss, the princesses knew what the fuck was up. Like, even before we knew what feminism was or why we needed it in our lives, the Disney princesses were serving up a big ol’ slice of feminist pie in their movies. Not all of them—lookin’ at you, Princess “give up my best attribute in hopes of kissing a guy” Ariel—but a lot of them were woke af. So we’re taking the time to celebrate these animated feminist heroes. Below, the most feminist Disney princesses, in no particular order because we’re not about pitting women against each other (today).
Belle was a fucking G. Who knew women in 18th-century provincial France were already woke? I mean, this is the country that brought us Joan of Arc, so it all makes sense. Anyway, Belle was the original Strong Woman Who Don’t Need No Man™. When fuckboy suitors (ahem, Gaston) came calling, she didn’t let them or society pressure her into getting married so she could leave her father’s house and embark on an exciting career of cleaning the house and grocery shopping. She fought for her right to be left TF alone so she could read her books. Speaking of books, Belle was obvi smart AF, and you all know how we feel about smart women: we love them, the GOP hates them.
Unlike the girls from your sorority whose highest aspirations were to obtain an MRS degree, Tiana dreams of opening her own business—a restaurant, no less. From what I’ve gathered from watching a shameless number of hours of Kitchen Nightmares and Bar Rescue, I know that opening a restaurant is the riskiest business venture there is. Tiana is not some rando with an Etsy jewelry shop—she is the real deal. She works two jobs to earn enough money to turn some random sugar mill into a restaurant, and we wholeheartedly respect her hustle. Also, despite all Naveen’s charm and obvious good looks, Tiana doesn’t fawn over him right away because she knows getting tangled up with a fuckboy is only going to hinder her dreams. Smart girl.
Meg is independent AF, almost aggressively so. She isn’t your damsel who needs to be rescued, and her only weakness—before Hercules comes along and fucks up her shit—is “weak ankles.” Which, incidentally, is the same answer I give in job interviews.
^I’m just gonna leave that there. Jasmine has fucking integrity. When random princes from far-away kingdoms come knocking, she is not impressed—if Jasmine gets married, she’s doing it for love and not for money or power. That is also what I tell my dad when he asks why I’m 25 and still single. Anyway, Jasmine isn’t afraid to speak her mind, even if her dad gets mad at her and an evil sorcerer almost kills her and the man she loves in the process. That takes a special kind of bravery. And while we are not down with the way women are too often seen as sex objects, we can understand why Jasmine would use her sexuality to distract the crazed psychopathic sorcerer-turned-genie who is trying to drown the guy she actually likes in a life-sized hourglass. It is a practice more commonly known as “working with what you’ve got.”
Do I even have to explain it? Fine, I’ll do it. Mulan A) defies gender roles and joins the army even though doing so could get her killed B) is a fucking badass warrior C) FUCKING SAVES CHINA FROM A HUN INVASION SINGLE-HANDEDLY. Ya. Sorry Shiang and your band of (lovable) clowns. You ain’t shit. Mulan for Emperor! Ayayayay!
For some reason I still don’t understand, it took until 2013 for a Disney princess to realize that it’s completely ridiculous to marry a guy she’s only known for a day. Like, way to be slow on the upkeep, Disney. Elsa is QUEEN which obviously demands respect. Because of her special powers, Elsa was brought down by her family for her entire life until one day she just said “fuck it, I can’t let the haters keep me down anymore” and went off on her own and built her own ice palace where she could do whatever the fuck she wanted. Is Elsa every feminist, and are Elsa’s parents and the kingdom in general an allegory for the patriarchy? Who’s to say? Well, me, and I’m saying yes.
Yeah we all know Brave as a movie was garbage, but at least it brought us Merida. This girl doesn’t care about fuckboys or doing “typical feminine” things—which we resent as a concept anyway because gender roles are bullshit. Merida is also super good at archery even though it’s a typical “male” sport and if her mom had her way, she’d be wearing dresses and attending etiquette classes or whatever women were “supposed” to do back then. Merida is basically the Scottish Katniss Everdeen, sans Hunger Games—only Merida is like, 12 years old, I think. She also does not give a single fuck about her appearance, despite having a gorg head of red hair, which is just another “fuck you” to the patriarchy and society’s beauty standards. I am here for it.
Pocahontas is smart as hell and independent af—and no, I don’t mean that because her best friends are a raccoon and a tree. Our girl P-Money (K, I’ll stop) stands up to her dad who’s not an ordinary dad, he’s a cool dad the fucking chief. And I mean that not like how your dad calls everybody “chief” as a term of endearment, but in the way Native American people say it, which is more meaningful I think. Like, I’m afraid to ask my dad for money because I blew out my tire again—imagine asking him for the ability to make your own decisions and forge your own destiny. Yah, it’s a BFD. Pocahontas makes the cardinal mistake of falling for a racist white man, BUT at the end when she’s given the choice between living with racist-turned-bae John Smith or staying and helping her tribe, she chooses the later. Pocahontas probably invented the phrase “hoes before bros” because she’s a down-ass bitch. She is quite literally ride or die.
As you’ve probably guessed based on the fact that like, we’re posting articles and shit, the Betches are in the office today. We run an entirely female workplace (well, except for like, one man and a dog, but they’re both nice so it’s cool) so we decided the best way to celebrate International Women’s Day would be to take some time to talk about ourselves. In addition to the standard amount of talking about ourselves that we do daily. Here at Betches we believe firmly that women’s rights are human rights and human rights are the ability to unabashedly brag about all the boss shit you’ve done on your own website that you started yourself.
So here’s our story. SPOILER ALERT: It’s literally the best story you’ve ever heard:
On a cold AF night in February of 2011, Betches was started as a small wordpress blog launched by three college roommates—Jordana Abraham, Samantha Fishbein, and Aleen Kuperman—at Cornell. That original blog, Betches Love This, went viral within months and thus the best fucking website you’ve ever read in your goddamn life was born. The core of the site at that time was “The Betch List,” a constantly updating list that described the loves and hates of any woman-identifying human ballsy enough to call herself a betch. From our very first item on the list, which laid out the benefits of Talking Shit widely and about everyone, we introduced the world to the code by which all the dope women we knew were living their lives. We extolled the virtues of not doing work, introduced the term “BSCB” to the world, created a point system to help you win your breakup, and generally helped to spread the betch lifestyle far and wide. Also, Mean Girls quotes. Lots and lots of Mean Girls quotes.
Since that time, Betches has expanded into the deviously funny mega brand that you know today, with topics ranging from celebs, health and fitness, politics, TV, advice, and horoscopes. Betches Love This slimmed down to just Betches in 2015 after a very successful all-carb diet, and it is now the go-to site for goddesses and queens around to world who want media that keeps it real and news that’s peppered with the Betches’ signature snark. Betches is proud to stand among the 9.1 million companies in the U.S taht are owned by women, that generate over $1.4 trillion in sales and emply nearly 7.9 million Americans each year. The success of our business has been fuled by the incredible women who have lent us their time, talent, and Facebook likes that enabled us to grow our brand and help prove to the world that women can be just as funny, smart, and successful as men.
Oh, and did we mention we wrote two books? Because we did. And did we mention that both those books, Nice Is Just A Place In France (2013) and I Had A Nice Time And Other Lies (2016) were both New York Times best sellers? Well, they were.
Thanks to the amazing support from the betches who love us @betches has grown to over 5 million followers on Instagram, and one of those followers is literally Madonna (Hi Mads!!!). Others who are obsessed with us include (but are not limited to) the New York Times, Jezebel, The London Times, Telegraph, Vogue, Rolling Stone, Cosmopolitan, Marie Claire, and The Guardian. So yeah, all the fake news organizations looooove us. Our online boutique, Shop Betches, launched in 2014 and puts out the betchiest tanks, tees, phone cases, and sweaters and our literally hilarious podcast Betch Slapped launched during the worst year ever (2016) and still manages to attract over ten thousand of the most objectively attractive podcast listeners in the world on the daily. So next time some bro dares to suggest to you that women can’t make it in business, kindly refer him to these stats.
All this is to say—women in business are fucking killing it. Our success story is just one small part of the millions of successful businesses and creative ideas women churn out on the daily, and we never could have done it without the incredible betches across the world who come to our site for all things news, lifestyle, and of course, Bachelor Recaps. If you’ve shared an article, bought a phone case, or even just given a really good nickname, then you helped to support a woman-owned business this year and we can’t thank you enough. And bros, we know you’re out there reading our shit too. Today is just like, not about you.
Now, if you’ll excuse us, there’s like really good lighting in the office rn so I think it’s time for a much needed selfie break.
Some men are gentlemen. They listen when you talk and ask you questions and respect whether or not you want to fuck them. These men are called pros and we reward them with our company and blowjobs, if we feel like it.
Okay so now that I’ve gotten all that #NotAllMen shit out if the way let’s talk about the everyday creepy assholes who roam the streets chasing tail and blurring the line between man and beast. I’m talking, of course, about cat callers.
Every betch on earth has been cat called. In fact, you don’t even have to be a betch to be cat called. You just have to be vaguely female-presenting and outside. It’s fucking lame, and I think I speak for all betches when I say we’re over it. So here’s our guide making it through the day without being gobbled up by some dude who amounts to nothing more than a literal animal wearing human clothes.
DO: Look Visibly Disgusted
Betches have a whole range of faces for letting someone know you hate them without ever actually acknowledging them. So use all your skills: bitchy resting face, eye rolling, pretending to vomit, actually vomiting. Whatever makes you feel good and lets this creeper know you are far from interested.
Like most wild beasts, cat callers lose their shit when you make eye contact, so don’t. Turn up your headphones, put on your sunglasses, and walk on by. Let this fool know that shouting down women on the street is less of a dating strategy and more of a sign that he won’t be moving out of his mom’s basement anytime soon. When you talk to these freaks or smile at them or say hello then they’ve gotten what they wanted: your attention, and there are plenty of normal, not-insane bros who haven’t even earned that.
DO: Tell Someone
If you find yourself in a situation where you’re moving from a regular cat call situation to a first-scene-in-robocop type situation, fucking tell someone. Go into the nearest store or flag down the nearest sane person and let them know what’s going on. Girls find a million reasons not to report being harassed because it feels shitty and takes time and makes you seem dramatic, but fuck that. Be dramatic. You didn’t bat an eyelash when you drunkenly flipped out at a dude who spilled his drink on your satin shoes, so why give this actual psychopath a pass?
DON’T: Let anyone convince you it’s flattering
Any girl who’s ever had to run to the store in sweatpants on her period with a hangover knows that cat calling has nothing to do with how you look. In fact, it has nothing to do with anything except the fact that you appear to have a vagina and that makes some men think they can shout at you. Like, oh you think I look beautiful? Well I already fucking knew that because I’m a perfect fucking snowflake. These dudes would cat call an actual cat if they thought it would understand what they were saying, so don’t let them try to convince you that their unsolicited comments on your appearance are something you should be grateful for. It’s fucking gross and he can go shave his back now.