Ah, the rom-com. The classic and predictable formula that consists of meet-cutes, cliches, some goofy sidekicks, and a heart-warming ending that we all saw coming is a tried and true one. Throughout the 2000s, Hollywood churned out rom-coms at a rapid rate, and we don’t blame them. These movies are the perfect re-watch, and their predictable endings provide a sense of certainty we could all use right about now.
While Hollywood may have mastered the rom-com formula in the 2000s, there were some major things they got wrong about sex. Watching these movies growing up, before experiencing sex and relationships for myself, I feel that I was grossly misled. What they show in the movies and what actually happens is like apples and oranges—and it’s time we called B.S. Here are some of the most unrealistic expectations rom-coms gave me for sex.
Lie #1: No Foreplay Necessary
An actual quote from the movie The Holiday:
Jude Law: “How do you feel about foreplay?”
Cameron Diaz: “I think it’s overrated. Significantly overrated.”
Jude Law: “You are quickly becoming one of the most interesting girls I’ve ever met.”
CUT TO: The worst sex ever
— Chloe Dykstra (@skydart) May 19, 2019
If you’ve ever been asked “are you ready?” 10 seconds into a hookup when you’ve barely had time to process what’s happening, you can thank 2000s rom-coms like The Holiday that teach us that after a mere 20 seconds of making out, you should be ready to have hot sex. Cameron Diaz’s character Amanda even told Jude Law’s character Graham that foreplay was overrated. I’m sorry, foreplay is never overrated, especially when it’s with Jude Law. These depictions of sex with hardly any build-up do women everywhere a disservice. You’re supposed to stretch before you run, aren’t you? The same is true of sex. Not only is foreplay essential in getting you in the mood, but it also makes sex less painful, according to expert Kiana Reeves, a doula, certified sex educator, Certified Innate Postpartum Care Provider, and Certified STREAM (Scar Tissue Remediation, Education, and Management) Practitioner, who told Betches that pain during sex can actually be caused by a lack of lubrication. Don’t sacrifice great sex for speed—take the time to get warmed up, you won’t regret it.
Lie #2: Orgasms Happen Quickly And Are Guaranteed
Not only are the women in these rom-coms having great sex with no foreplay, but they also have an orgasm in the blink of an eye, which couldn’t be further from reality. Take the famous “It still isn’t over” scene in The Notebook when Noah and Allie finally have sex. While yes, I admit, this is an iconic love scene that earned its spot in rom-com history, her speedy orgasm that takes all of 30 seconds and only one position change is just a bald-faced lie. I don’t care how many years of sexual tension you have built up, a female orgasm does not happen that quickly. In fact, only 8-25% of women can cum from just vaginal penetration. 8-25%! Why isn’t this a more well-known stat? Can we get this on a bumper sticker?
Lie #3: Your First Time Will Be Magical And Incredibly Romantic
If you’re one of the few people who had a romantic experience that wasn’t filled with awkward, painful and fumbling moments, please come forward and share your story, because you’re one in a million. Some of our favorite rom-coms led us to believe this moment would be more sweet and tender than painful (HA!). In Love & Basketball, Monica loses her virginity to Quincy, but not before they exchange a series of sensual looks as they slowly undress before the kissing portion of the program even begins. Quincy’s lips must have magical powers because there is NO way she’s ready when Quincy reaches for the condom. She inhales slightly, which apparently is to be representative of the pain she’s feeling? LOL. If they wanted to show us what it’s really like, Monica should’ve displayed a contorted facial expression and let out a blood-curdling scream. This depiction of losing your virginity is even further from reality than the most recent season of Vanderpump Rules.
Lie #4: You Will Wrap A Bed Sheet Around You After Sex
Again, if any of you have actually done this (and not just to imitate a famous movie scene) please come forward. I’m not sure which director started this rom-com trend, but it doesn’t make any f*cking sense. However, movies like Fever Pitch tell us otherwise. If you actually did this you’d have to wrap it around yourself a number of times to avoid tripping over it and you’d have to keep your arms tightly by your side to make sure it doesn’t fall. Why in the world would you go through all of that hassle to rip the flat sheet off the bed and wrap it around you like you’re going to a toga party when you could just throw on a T-shirt or stay naked? I’d consider this one of life’s greatest mysteries.
Lie #5: Sex In Cars Is Hot
Despite how sexy Katherine Heigl and James Marsden made it look in 27 Dresses, or how hot it was in Titanic, there’s no way drunk sex in a broken-down car is hot. Do you really think a 5’9” woman and 5’10” man can have great sex without injuring themselves or contorting their body into unnatural positions? I doubt it. Aside from the issue of the size of the car, don’t they have anxiety about the broken-down car? Maybe I’m high-strung, but the thought of being stranded forever would inhibit me from enjoying myself.
Lie #6: If You Meet A British Guy In A Bar, You Will Have Sex With Him
Okay so this is oddly specific, but when I saw the scene in Love Actually when Colin meets a group of American women in a bar who fawn over him and later bring him back to their apartment, I audibly groaned. I know the entire movie is based on the suspension of disbelief, but COME ON. Give women a little more credit, we’re not going to pull our dresses up just because a guy in a bar has a foreign accent. And even if we do, we’re certainly not asking our three best friends to join us.
So, who’s ready for a modern day rom-com that depicts what sex is actually like? I wish someone had warned me about the lies that are laced throughout 2000s rom-coms and beyond, maybe I could have avoided a lot of disappointment. Well, probably not but a girl can dream, right? I’d like to think adding some sense of authenticity into these movies would result in more realistic expectations for women and their sex lives going forward.
Images: WAYHOME studio / Shutterstock; Giphy; skydart / Twitter
Believe it or not, it’s not always your partner’s fault that you can’t finish during sex (unless the person really sucks in bed, then it’s
probably definitely their fault). Fortunately, there are ways to increase your chances of having an orgasm that YOU can control, like specific sex positions, toys, and breathing techniques, to finally achieve that oh-so-elusive big O. I’m about to bless your sex life with five tips and tricks to try so you can maybe *hopefully* have one or five orgasms the next time you hook up with someone.
1. Try Different Positions
If you’re anything like 100% of the population, then the missionary position probably isn’t your favorite. Switch things up! Get crazy. Invest in a Kama Sutra book, flip to any random page with your partner, then try it out. According to ~research~, doggy style and cowgirl are two of the best positions that promote a female orgasm. The P to V angle is optimal for hitting the G-spot, which plays a part in whether or not you’re going to finish from penetration.
2. Build A Deeper, More Personal Connection
IDGAF who you are and what you say. Trust and comfort are HUGE factors of being able to orgasm with someone else. If you don’t trust the person you’re with or you’re uncomfortable being naked and/or intimate with them, then
you probably shouldn’t be having sex with them you might want to consider building a more solid mental and emotional connection with the person rather than just a physical one.
3. Experiment With Toys
LELO Mona 2
If you don’t already know, there are two types of female orgasms: clitoral and vaginal. If you’re having a hard time achieving either one, play around with some toys. Have your partner stimulate you with a $30 multi-speed vibrator before/during sex, or use it on yourself! If you’re ballin’ and got cash to blow and desperately need to get off once and for all, you can also spend $2,000 to try to get your first orgasm.
4. Communicate Your Needs With Your Partner
Maybe you can’t cum because your partner doesn’t know what you like and what you need to make it happen.
But for real, do YOU even know what you like and need? If not, f*ck around and figure it out, sis. Then communicate it to the person you’re banging. People aren’t mind readers, but we’re all adults here. Time to speak up and
demand the orgasm you deserve kindly fill your partner in on what it’s gonna take to get you there.
The mind is the most powerful sex organ in the body. If you aren’t relaxed, chances are you’re not going to have an orgasm. Whether the sex lasts 36 seconds or 36 minutes, train your mind to calm down and live in the present moment.
Try breathing techniques that are meant to help you chill out. There’s legitimately even one called sushumna nadi pranayama AKA “Orgasmic Breath” which aligns your pelvic energy with the rest of your body to promote a universal state of relaxation… which then better enables you to catch that big O.
As hard as it may be (pun intended), focus on how good sex actually feels, and notice when and where your mind travels while you’re doing it. Forgot to send that non-urgent email at work before? Whatever. Worried about how the cellulite looks on your ass and thighs? Bitch, same. (Nobody notices or cares about that anyway, though.) Stop stressing about irrelevant sh*t and enjoy the ride before it’s time to get off. Literally.
Images: Autri Taheri / Unsplash; Giphy (3)
Head Pro wishes you much good tidings, cheer, and toe-curling orgasms as the holidays approach. Email him at [email protected], and follow him on Twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.
Hey there head pro,
Not sure if you’re still answering questions, but here’s one you probably don’t get that much. Basically, I’m in my mid-twenties, and I’ve had exactly five orgasms in my life. I have a good sex life, masturbate, etc. it’s just really hard for me to orgasm. I’ve tried everything you can think of, read every article, even seen doctors about it, but I’m just one of the people who have a really hard time cumming. It’s tragic, I know, and that’s not even the problem I’m writing to you about.
A few years ago, a guy I was in a serious relationship with broke up with me over this issue. He even said that everything else in our relationship was perfect he just “didn’t feel like a man” because he couldn’t make me orgasm. He did tell me I could give him a call if I ever got the problem fixed (go fuck yourself). This obviously made me feel really shitty because I’ve tried really hard to find a solution, and he knew this and knew I was seeing doctors for it. I still like sex a lot and have an above-average sex drive, I always told him how good he was in bed, and I never pouted about my problem or anything.
Since then I’ve casually slept with different guys, and as long as they put in some effort to make sex enjoyable, I just fake an orgasm. I know people always say not to do this and it’s like against feminism, but I started doing it because 1) I’m not interested in telling random hookups about my sexual history/issues. 2) I’d rather not scare off another guy, and 3) If I do tell a guy and he puts a lot of effort in to try and make me orgasm, it makes me feel pressured which is a guarantee it won’t happen.
So, sorry for all the backstory, here’s the issue. I ended up really liking one of the guys I was sleeping with, and now we’re in a relationship that’s going really well. Except for the fact I’ve been faking an orgasm 99% of the time of course. Since we’re a couple now, I’d really like to stop lying and tell him the whole story, but I’m afraid what his reaction will be to both me having this problem and me having faked orgasms. The thing is, he’s actually amazing in bed and is responsible for two of my orgasms, which is incredible for me. Any tips for bringing this up? And if he does dump me over this, any advice on how to handle this for future relationships? Would this be a dealbreaker for the average guy?
Orgasmless in Seattle
Yeah, I’m still answering questions, I’m just both lazy and busy, which is a lethal combination. Faking it (whether it’s orgasms or being a productive blogger) is never the path you want to go down, but I understand doing what you gotta do. In this case, the good news is that you have an excellent angle from which to approach this: He is responsible for a solid 40% of your climaxes. A way better efficiency rate than the freakin’ congress, amirite folks?!? I say, the next time you ride the fuckcoaster and you don’t see God, that’s a good time to say something like “you know, I’ve had a hard time reaching orgasm my entire life, I’ve even seen doctors about it. In fact, the only time I’ve ever actually cum during sex was with you.”
Now: Is that last part true? I have no idea. Only you know. But even if not, it’s a beautiful little lie. You can just tell him that the other three orgasms came during intense, marathon diddle sessions that left you with carpal tunnel afterwards. The point is, you’re padding his ego just enough so that you can easily and honestly discuss the issue without worrying about anyone feeling awkward. Reinforce that he knows his way around his own dick, but also impress upon him that machines built literally expressly for your pleasure just won’t get the job done sometimes. Also important: let him know that sex can be perfectly fun and enjoyable without an orgasm, especially for someone who has them about as often as Donald Trump has a solid bowel movement. A lot of guys don’t realize that, because it’s a little different for us.
Even though it’s not really something you want to use in this way, it’s kind of a litmus test. If he’s cool, he’ll totally understand, keep up the good work, and (most importantly) not make it about his ego. If not, well, you know what to do. Kick him to the curb, and tell him to call you when he gets the problem fixed.
But no more faking. No good cums of that.
Dear Head Pro,
I’ve been texting a swiping app match for about 2 weeks, and we originally were going to meet the weekend after thanksgiving. We never made plans with a time/place so I figured nbd, it’s the holidays and we just started talking. He isn’t able to meet until the weekend after Christmas….literally 4 weeks away. Is he just trying to avoid me so I don’t get the wrong idea over the holidays? Or is he just not trying to meet?
For the record, I don’t want a relationship or a one-nighter, just something casual with someone that is sexually curious. Specifically, we have a dom/sub thing going on and he’s really into it/me from the texts, so I’m confused why he hasn’t tried to move things along. I don’t think he’s traveling for Christmas bc his family is pretty much all in his city. He’s living with his brother for the next few months so I’m wondering if that’s the issue?
Side note: Another match has the same demanding hours as him (same occupation, requires weekends depending on the client) but has managed to ask me out twice within the same time span of knowing Mr.Dom. He is recently divorced so he’s obvi not looking for a relationship either. Idk maybe I’m having a hard time with this because even my old dates that were like, working on a doctorate still made time to drive 45 minutes to take me out.
Should I kick him to the curb before talking drags on too long? I am only distraught over this because I want to expand my kink and we fit well personality wise. Is it normal etiquette to not hook up over the holidays?? What are guys thinking as far as plans go for someone that is FWB material before Christmas break? Is it too romantic to do stuff (like watching the lights/skating) with someone you just met?
Daddy’s little girl
Let me get this straight: All you want is to act out the lyrics to Ludacris’ second-best song. And yet, you’re distraught because the guy whom you want to smack your ass raw is… unable to find the time to meet and engage in deviant sexual congress with a total stranger during literally the busiest and most miserable time of the year? I don’t get it. In the same paragraph, you say it’s cool he hasn’t made plans because of the holidays, and then also that you’re worried he’s just not interested. What kind of drugs are you on, and where can I get some?
Weirder is that you’ve decided this based on exactly one other person you’ve matched with, and a handful of horny graduate students. This may shock you, but not all people are the same. I would go so far as to say that everyone is different, if I may be so bold. Yeah, guys for the most part wanna smash that ass, and we’ll overcome more hurdles than is probably necessary to do it. But what you want with this guy isn’t the standard “drinks and an awkward quickie” that most swiping app matches lead to. You want, like, a whole thing that involves role-play, rules, boundaries, and maybe even some heavy equipment. That’s not something you do on the fly, and certainly not in the month between eating turkey at grandma’s house and then ham at grandma’s house a little later. Like, that’s a serious commitment. A lot more serious than acting out your fantasies via text and furiously wanking it, anyway.
I don’t think holiday hookups are an etiquette thing so much as they’re an issue of logistics and convenience. As for guys’ plans, I think that depends on the guy. A college dude, yeah, he might be angling to line up some strange while he’s home for a couple months. But post-college? Nah. We’re not thinking about it at all, or any differently than we do any other time of the year. Honestly, just relax, and take the stranger you’ve yet to meet at face value for now. Keep on sexting, if you want to. He’ll still be there after NYE.
I don’t know how you went from “choke me daddy” to ice skating in the same message, so I won’t acknowledge it.
Head Pro wishes you much good tidings, cheer and toe-curling orgasms as the holidays approach. Email him at [email protected], and follow him on Twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.
This week the Betches discuss the death of AIM, the Harvey Weinstein scandal, and the new season of Curb Your Enthusiasm. They answer questions from a listener who is embarrassed about squirting and another listener who wonders if she should keep speaking to a guy that doesn’t want a relationship with her. They play shoot fuck marry, would you rather, and discuss their thoughts on weddings over holiday weekends.
Subscribe to Betch Slapped on iTunes and listen on Spotify!
Probably the most interesting thing, aside from Corinne’s elimination, to come out of this week’s episode of The Bachelor was Raven’s claim that she’s never had an orgasm. I mean you’re like what, 25, Raven? You own a fashion boutique, so you presumably have a job that generates income, and yet you can’t buy a vibrator? Or IDK, use your hands? Those are free, ya know. But yeah anyway, we theorized that this claim was fake (unlike Raven’s orgasms) and it was just her way of getting back at her ex post-breakup. Whether our theory is correct or not, Raven’s plan worked: salty af and probably reeling from this confession, Raven’s ex-boyfriend told Us Weekly that he’s actually given her a ton of orgasms, thank you very much, and no his dick isn’t a shrimp and he doesn’t have chlamydia and everything Raven told you about him is a lie. You know, what mature people who are definitely over their exes do.
Raven’s ex and soon-to-be object of internet ridicule, Hunter Henry, said the following about Raven’s orgasm- and I-Love-You-less existence: “Definitely not true about the whole orgasm thing. And she has told me she loved me multiple times, just for the record.”
That’s right, Raven’s ex-boyfriend has apparently never heard of the phenomenon called “faking an orgasm.” I think somebody needs to tell this dude that sometimes, women fake orgasms so their sexual partners will stop jackhammering against their cervixes at full force. While we’re at it, has anybody told Hunter that the Tooth Fairy isn’t real?
I don’t really give a shit whether or not Raven’s had an orgasm. That’s not the issue here. Whether she was faking it for two years (and therefore deserves an Oscar) or is just being petty on national television, the only person who knows the truth is Raven. The audacity of this man claiming he knows Raven’s body better than she does is almost impressive, tbh. Hunter has not yet announced when he’s running for Congress, but I imagine with that attitude he’ll be working for the Trump administration in no time.