Believe it or not, it’s not always your partner’s fault that you can’t finish during sex (unless the person really sucks in bed, then it’s probably definitely their fault). Fortunately, there are ways to increase your chances of having an orgasm that YOU can control, like specific sex positions, toys, and breathing techniques, to finally achieve that oh-so-elusive big O. I’m about to bless your sex life with five tips and tricks to try so you can maybe *hopefully* have one or five orgasms the next time you hook up with someone.

1. Try Different Positions

If you’re anything like 100% of the population, then the missionary position probably isn’t your favorite. Switch things up! Get crazy. Invest in a Kama Sutra book, flip to any random page with your partner, then try it out. According to ~research~, doggy style and cowgirl are two of the best positions that promote a female orgasm. The P to V angle is optimal for hitting the G-spot, which plays a part in whether or not you’re going to finish from penetration.

2. Build A Deeper, More Personal Connection

IDGAF who you are and what you say. Trust and comfort are HUGE factors of being able to orgasm with someone else. If you don’t trust the person you’re with or you’re uncomfortable being naked and/or intimate with them, then you probably shouldn’t be having sex with them you might want to consider building a more solid mental and emotional connection with the person rather than just a physical one.

3. Experiment With Toys

LELO Mona 2

If you don’t already know, there are two types of female orgasms: clitoral and vaginal. If you’re having a hard time achieving either one, play around with some toys. Have your partner stimulate you with a $30 multi-speed vibrator before/during sex, or use it on yourself! If you’re ballin’ and got cash to blow and desperately need to get off once and for all, you can also spend $2,000 to try to get your first orgasm.

4. Communicate Your Needs With Your Partner

Maybe you can’t cum because your partner doesn’t know what you like and what you need to make it happen.

Me:

But for real, do YOU even know what you like and need? If not, f*ck around and figure it out, sis. Then communicate it to the person you’re banging. People aren’t mind readers, but we’re all adults here. Time to speak up and demand the orgasm you deserve kindly fill your partner in on what it’s gonna take to get you there.

5. Relax

The mind is the most powerful sex organ in the body. If you aren’t relaxed, chances are you’re not going to have an orgasm. Whether the sex lasts 36 seconds or 36 minutes, train your mind to calm down and live in the present moment.

Try breathing techniques that are meant to help you chill out. There’s legitimately even one called sushumna nadi pranayama AKA “Orgasmic Breath” which aligns your pelvic energy with the rest of your body to promote a universal state of relaxation… which then better enables you to catch that big O.

As hard as it may be (pun intended), focus on how good sex actually feels, and notice when and where your mind travels while you’re doing it. Forgot to send that non-urgent email at work before? Whatever. Worried about how the cellulite looks on your ass and thighs? Bitch, same. (Nobody notices or cares about that anyway, though.) Stop stressing about irrelevant sh*t and enjoy the ride before it’s time to get off. Literally.

Images: Autri Taheri / Unsplash; Giphy (3)

Head Pro wishes you much good tidings, cheer, and toe-curling orgasms as the holidays approach. Email him at [email protected], and follow him on Twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.

Hey there head pro,

Not sure if you’re still answering questions, but here’s one you probably don’t get that much. Basically, I’m in my mid-twenties, and I’ve had exactly five orgasms in my life. I have a good sex life, masturbate, etc. it’s just really hard for me to orgasm. I’ve tried everything you can think of, read every article, even seen doctors about it, but I’m just one of the people who have a really hard time cumming. It’s tragic, I know, and that’s not even the problem I’m writing to you about.

A few years ago, a guy I was in a serious relationship with broke up with me over this issue. He even said that everything else in our relationship was perfect he just “didn’t feel like a man” because he couldn’t make me orgasm. He did tell me I could give him a call if I ever got the problem fixed (go fuck yourself). This obviously made me feel really shitty because I’ve tried really hard to find a solution, and he knew this and knew I was seeing doctors for it. I still like sex a lot and have an above-average sex drive, I always told him how good he was in bed, and I never pouted about my problem or anything.

Since then I’ve casually slept with different guys, and as long as they put in some effort to make sex enjoyable, I just fake an orgasm. I know people always say not to do this and it’s like against feminism, but I started doing it because 1) I’m not interested in telling random hookups about my sexual history/issues. 2) I’d rather not scare off another guy, and 3) If I do tell a guy and he puts a lot of effort in to try and make me orgasm, it makes me feel pressured which is a guarantee it won’t happen.

So, sorry for all the backstory, here’s the issue. I ended up really liking one of the guys I was sleeping with, and now we’re in a relationship that’s going really well. Except for the fact I’ve been faking an orgasm 99% of the time of course. Since we’re a couple now, I’d really like to stop lying and tell him the whole story, but I’m afraid what his reaction will be to both me having this problem and me having faked orgasms. The thing is, he’s actually amazing in bed and is responsible for two of my orgasms, which is incredible for me. Any tips for bringing this up? And if he does dump me over this, any advice on how to handle this for future relationships? Would this be a dealbreaker for the average guy?

Orgasmless in Seattle

Yeah, I’m still answering questions, I’m just both lazy and busy, which is a lethal combination. Faking it (whether it’s orgasms or being a productive blogger) is never the path you want to go down, but I understand doing what you gotta do. In this case, the good news is that you have an excellent angle from which to approach this: He is responsible for a solid 40% of your climaxes. A way better efficiency rate than the freakin’ congress, amirite folks?!? I say, the next time you ride the fuckcoaster and you don’t see God, that’s a good time to say something like “you know, I’ve had a hard time reaching orgasm my entire life, I’ve even seen doctors about it. In fact, the only time I’ve ever actually cum during sex was with you.”

Now: Is that last part true? I have no idea. Only you know. But even if not, it’s a beautiful little lie. You can just tell him that the other three orgasms came during intense, marathon diddle sessions that left you with carpal tunnel afterwards. The point is, you’re padding his ego just enough so that you can easily and honestly discuss the issue without worrying about anyone feeling awkward. Reinforce that he knows his way around his own dick, but also impress upon him that machines built literally expressly for your pleasure just won’t get the job done sometimes. Also important: let him know that sex can be perfectly fun and enjoyable without an orgasm, especially for someone who has them about as often as Donald Trump has a solid bowel movement. A lot of guys don’t realize that, because it’s a little different for us.

Even though it’s not really something you want to use in this way, it’s kind of a litmus test. If he’s cool, he’ll totally understand, keep up the good work, and (most importantly) not make it about his ego. If not, well, you know what to do. Kick him to the curb, and tell him to call you when he gets the problem fixed.

But no more faking. No good cums of that.

Dear Head Pro,

I’ve been texting a swiping app match for about 2 weeks, and we originally were going to meet the weekend after thanksgiving. We never made plans with a time/place so I figured nbd, it’s the holidays and we just started talking. He isn’t able to meet until the weekend after Christmas….literally 4 weeks away. Is he just trying to avoid me so I don’t get the wrong idea over the holidays? Or is he just not trying to meet?

For the record, I don’t want a relationship or a one-nighter, just something casual with someone that is sexually curious. Specifically, we have a dom/sub thing going on and he’s really into it/me from the texts, so I’m confused why he hasn’t tried to move things along. I don’t think he’s traveling for Christmas bc his family is pretty much all in his city. He’s living with his brother for the next few months so I’m wondering if that’s the issue?

Side note: Another match has the same demanding hours as him (same occupation, requires weekends depending on the client) but has managed to ask me out twice within the same time span of knowing Mr.Dom. He is recently divorced so he’s obvi not looking for a relationship either. Idk maybe I’m having a hard time with this because even my old dates that were like, working on a doctorate still made time to drive 45 minutes to take me out.

Should I kick him to the curb before talking drags on too long? I am only distraught over this because I want to expand my kink and we fit well personality wise. Is it normal etiquette to not hook up over the holidays?? What are guys thinking as far as plans go for someone that is FWB material before Christmas break? Is it too romantic to do stuff (like watching the lights/skating) with someone you just met?

Thanks,

Daddy’s little girl

Let me get this straight: All you want is to act out the lyrics to Ludacris’ second-best song. And yet, you’re distraught because the guy whom you want to smack your ass raw is… unable to find the time to meet and engage in deviant sexual congress with a total stranger during literally the busiest and most miserable time of the year? I don’t get it. In the same paragraph, you say it’s cool he hasn’t made plans because of the holidays, and then also that you’re worried he’s just not interested. What kind of drugs are you on, and where can I get some?

Weirder is that you’ve decided this based on exactly one other person you’ve matched with, and a handful of horny graduate students. This may shock you, but not all people are the same. I would go so far as to say that everyone is different, if I may be so bold. Yeah, guys for the most part wanna smash that ass, and we’ll overcome more hurdles than is probably necessary to do it. But what you want with this guy isn’t the standard “drinks and an awkward quickie” that most swiping app matches lead to. You want, like, a whole thing that involves role-play, rules, boundaries, and maybe even some heavy equipment. That’s not something you do on the fly, and certainly not in the month between eating turkey at grandma’s house and then ham at grandma’s house a little later. Like, that’s a serious commitment. A lot more serious than acting out your fantasies via text and furiously wanking it, anyway.

I don’t think holiday hookups are an etiquette thing so much as they’re an issue of logistics and convenience. As for guys’ plans, I think that depends on the guy. A college dude, yeah, he might be angling to line up some strange while he’s home for a couple months. But post-college? Nah. We’re not thinking about it at all, or any differently than we do any other time of the year. Honestly, just relax, and take the stranger you’ve yet to meet at face value for now. Keep on sexting, if you want to. He’ll still be there after NYE.

I don’t know how you went from “choke me daddy” to ice skating in the same message, so I won’t acknowledge it.

Head Pro wishes you much good tidings, cheer and toe-curling orgasms as the holidays approach. Email him at [email protected], and follow him on Twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.

This week the Betches discuss the death of AIM, the Harvey Weinstein scandal, and the new season of Curb Your Enthusiasm. They answer questions from a listener who is embarrassed about squirting and another listener who wonders if she should keep speaking to a guy that doesn’t want a relationship with her. They play shoot fuck marry, would you rather, and discuss their thoughts on weddings over holiday weekends.

Subscribe to Betch Slapped on iTunes and listen on Spotify!

Probably the most interesting thing, aside from Corinne’s elimination, to come out of this week’s episode of The Bachelor was Raven’s claim that she’s never had an orgasm. I mean you’re like what, 25, Raven? You own a fashion boutique, so you presumably have a job that generates income, and yet you can’t buy a vibrator? Or IDK, use your hands? Those are free, ya know. But yeah anyway, we theorized that this claim was fake (unlike Raven’s orgasms) and it was just her way of getting back at her ex post-breakup. Whether our theory is correct or not, Raven’s plan worked: salty af and probably reeling from this confession, Raven’s ex-boyfriend told Us Weekly that he’s actually given her a ton of orgasms, thank you very much, and no his dick isn’t a shrimp and he doesn’t have chlamydia and everything Raven told you about him is a lie. You know, what mature people who are definitely over their exes do.

Raven’s ex and soon-to-be object of internet ridicule, Hunter Henry, said the following about Raven’s orgasm- and I-Love-You-less existence: “Definitely not true about the whole orgasm thing. And she has told me she loved me multiple times, just for the record.”

That’s right, Raven’s ex-boyfriend has apparently never heard of the phenomenon called “faking an orgasm.” I think somebody needs to tell this dude that sometimes, women fake orgasms so their sexual partners will stop jackhammering against their cervixes at full force. While we’re at it, has anybody told Hunter that the Tooth Fairy isn’t real?

I don’t really give a shit whether or not Raven’s had an orgasm. That’s not the issue here. Whether she was faking it for two years (and therefore deserves an Oscar) or is just being petty on national television, the only person who knows the truth is Raven. The audacity of this man claiming he knows Raven’s body better than she does is almost impressive, tbh. Hunter has not yet announced when he’s running for Congress, but I imagine with that attitude he’ll be working for the Trump administration in no time.