I’ll be the first to admit that the thought of giving a blow job used to feel like a fucking chore. It’s that item at the bottom of your to-do list that you can get away with not doing, but probably should be done soon. Like, it never actually leaves, but somehow always gets checked off first—sort of like my last Tinder hookup. But since I’m supposed to be giving you better ways to enjoy sucking dick, while somehow convincing my mom that I’m still at least half a virgin, I’m here to tell you to sack up (pun intended), because dedicating your precious time to giving one blowie isn’t all that fucking bad. Maybe it’s just the type of savage friends I choose to surround myself with, but when I asked how often they give head, this was literally their response:
On one hand, *insert slow golf clap here*. But if you’re reading this and are one of those girls who thinks this doesn’t apply to you because you have a vagine of gold and you treat your guy to half-assed hand jobs on the reg, you’re the reason he cheats, but I guess also the reason I’m employed. That was harsh, but whatever. Giving a hand job is like giving someone a yellow Starburst. It’s always the last choice, but they’re not gonna not take it. So I’m here to save you the shitty comparison with easy positions that’ll make giving head suck a little less (srsly, killing these puns), because nobody wants to be compared to a yellow Starburst. Not even a fucking yellow Starburst.
1. The Lazy Sunday
It’s Sunday morning so, just guessing, you’re prob hungover and the last thing you care to think about is plowing your face into his junk before you can even press start on the Keurig. I get it. But while you’re lying there checking the likes on last night’s Instagram, his morning wood is begging to be sanded down, so because I’m the nice slut woman that I am, I’ll let you in on a secret: Surprising a guy with an earlybird BJ is a proven fact that you’ll get your way the entire rest of the week, but mostly a surefire way he won’t be personally victimized by your morning breath. All you need to do is prop a pillow on his stomach and lay sideways while resting your head on it. His dick will literally be staring you in the face, so you barely even have to move. This position is great for when you’re not entirely awake to give full-service head, but awake enough to not pass back out with a mouth full of peen.
2. Sideways 69
No need to lie anymore—this is a safe place, so let it out, honey. Put it in the book: 69 fucking blows (now I’m just being annoying with the puns). It’s impossible to even concentrate when you’re trying to dodge any and all contact with raw asshole, and holding yourself up constitutes like, a 4-hour barre workout. The sideways 69 is a little less work and a lot less regret. Really all you need to do is lay on your sides in the opposite direction and go to town. He can even get crafty on your end and use a vibrator while you’re generously sampling the sausage. You know, like a “you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours” kinda thing.
3. Cinema Blow Job (Extra Butter)
If you’re that “can’t keep it in your fucking pants” couple, this one’s for you. Your guy literally just needs to be sitting down while you’re sitting next to him. The next and final step is unzipping his pants and bending over—yeah, groundbreaking. Do it in a theater (for the love of the children, I hope you’re not doing this in a theater, you sick fuck), do it while he’s driving, the world is your bedroom. This position isn’t exactly the most innovative, but trust me—doing it in a taboo location will amp up the excitement and take the edge off whatever is so goddamn torturous about giving head. Just please don’t get arrested.
4. Head Rush
Life is just too damn short to agree to favors that don’t also benefit you in the process. That’s just my take on selfless acts of kindness, but to each their own. This position is probably the most advanced, but I included it because of its benefits. Like, think about it: Would you ever even consider taking a job in the real world without 401k benefits? Case closed. Start out by laying on your bed with your head slightly dangling off. Even though your mouth is fully occupied, it’s important to remember that you’re still in control of this ship (fucking duh). Use your hands to grab onto his thighs and guide him as you damn well please. From there, he has easy access to reach around and keep your vacant vagine some hard-earned company. It’s all really just the law of physics at this point, but if you failed that class, just keep going until he finishes or all the blood rushes to your head—basically whichever comes first.
5. Face Plow
So I realize now that this position is probably the reason for so many peoples’ utter disgust in giving out blowies, but it’s called a blow “job”, not a blow “piece of cake”. So here’s the thing: one of the only times a betch lets a guy exert his dominance is in the bedroom. All you have to do is abide by the rules of gravity. Lay flat on the bed, let him straddle your face, and well… Honestly, I know you’re not an idiot, so judging by the name of this position alone, need I go on?