Well, well, well. It turns out that paying someone off to scam your kids’ way into college IS illegal, because Felicity Huffman is headed to prison for her involvement in the college admissions scandal. After taking a guilty plea earlier this year, she was sentenced Friday to 14 days behind bars and a $30,000 fine. In a plot line that truly could’ve been ripped directly from Desperate Housewives, Felicity Huffman, Lynette is going to the big house. Actually, this plot line definitely would’ve happened to Eva Longoria’s character, but you get the picture.

Let’s talk about the actual sentence. Two weeks might not seem like a lot, but for someone like her, it’s significant that she’s getting prison time at all. Famous people tend to get out of the consequences for stuff like this, but this time was different. Felicity’s team had argued for probation in the case, but the judge clearly wanted to make an example out of her for the other defendants in the college scandal. In addition to the fine and prison time, she’ll also be on supervised release (probation) for a year, and have to perform 250 hours of community service. Maybe she’ll be in the same trash pickup group as The Situation!!

Felicity receiving a sentence like this despite taking a plea deal probably doesn’t bode well for Lori Loughlin, whose issues are far from over. In case you forgot, Lori declined to take the plea deal, because she was determined to not spend any time in prison. While she’ll still have a chance to plead her case and potentially get acquitted, but it ain’t looking good. Basically, we all know she did it, so unless she finds some fancy loophole, she’s going to be spending some time in prison. Olivia Jade will have to get back to doing sponsored content ASAP, because mama’s not gonna be bringing in the big bucks from doing Hallmark Channel Christmas Movies for a while.

If you still haven’t gotten enough of this story (hi, it’s me), luckily, Lifetime has been hard at work on an original movie about the college scandal. It’s creatively titled The College Admissions Scandal, and it premieres on October 12th. Mark your calendars, because this should basically be a national holiday. Luckily for Felicity, she should be home from prison in time to catch the premiere! It’s the little things.

Well, it seems not everyone involved in the college admission scandal spent their court hearing signing autographs and treating it as a chemistry read for a new ABC sitcom (tentatively titled Crash Course in my mind). Felicity Huffman, along with a dozen of the other parents that are involved in this scandal, have pleaded guilty on counts of conspiracy to commit mail fraud and honest services mail fraud. Is it just me, or is this the first time we’ve heard about Felicity Huffman since the scandal came out? Kudos to her publicist, you hid her well.

Just a reminder that this was not a one way street and that some people on the college side actually were involved. For example, Michael Center who is the former (shocking) men’s tennis coach at University of Texas at Austin, pleaded guilty for the same chargers. He accepted over $60,000 grand in cash and a $40,000 donation to ensure a student was accepted and recruited. Why have I been lying to my friends all my life for free? Also a reminder: Felicity Huffman didn’t come up with this plan, Rick Singer did. He’s the owner of a for-profit Newport Beach college admissions company and was the one helping these parents cheap and dupe their kids way into elite schools so I guess they could be more like Blair Waldorf?

Back to Huffman, who does have top billing on this scandal (until Aunt Becky makes her plea): her charges are due to the fact that she paid $15,000 for a Harvard graduate to correct her daughter’s SAT answers, increasing her score by 400. (I’m praying my parents didn’t do this for me, cause if so, they really should get a refund). The conspiracy charge came from the notion that she was planning on doing the same thing for her younger daughter. Fans of William H. Macy will be happy to know he was not charged, but it was suggested that he was in the know about what was going on. Shameless, am I right? (Sorry).

Because of her clear criminal record, and also probably because of her amazing IMDB record, her sentence is low and should be around four to 10 months — but I don’t know… a blonde actress with an Emmy, she may just have to clean up the streets of Calabasas for a few weeks. God bless our system!

Here is her full statement:

I am in full acceptance of my guilt, and with deep regret and shame over what I have done, I accept full responsibility for my actions and will accept the consequences that stem from those actions.

I am ashamed of the pain I have caused my daughter, my family, my friends, my colleagues and the educational community. I want to apologize to them and, especially, I want to apologize to the students who work hard every day to get into college, and to their parents who make tremendous sacrifices to support their children and do so honestly.

My daughter knew absolutely nothing about my actions, and in my misguided and profoundly wrong way, I have betrayed her. This transgression toward her and the public I will carry for the rest of my life. My desire to help my daughter is no excuse to break the law or engage in dishonesty.

Now, onto some of the lesser-known participants in this scandal. One parent, Jane Buckingham, actually wrote a book called “The Modern Girl’s Guide to Sticky Situations,” giving us Countess LuAnn level lols for writing a book they’d never know they actually needed. She not only cheated the system by having someone take her son’s ACT exam, but she also… cheated her son by giving him a copy of the ACT at home for him to take while sick so he would think he took it honestly? Honey, hate to break, but if your son believes that that’s how exams, work, he shouldn’t go to USC.

While there’s less information on these other parents, here’s a list of all the other names who have also pled guilty, because why not drag them just a little bit? Augustin Huneeus, Gordon Caplan, Peter Jan Sartorio, Stephen Semprevivo, Devin Sloane, Gregory and Marcia Abbott, Robert Flaxman, and Marjorie Klapper – consider yourselves dragged.

This is just the start of the chargers that should be coming through this week, and all charges should be wrapped up by Friday (unless Olivia Jade and Lori have a meet and greet scheduled).  

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

I’m a person who’s followed celebrity news since I was a kid (like, I had subscriptions to Us Weekly and PEOPLE in fourth grade), and even I did not anticipate the celebrity college admissions scandal blowing up like it has. When the news first broke, I was like, “Perfect. Now that Aunt Becky is relevant again, I can segue more easily into the story about how two women at Friendly’s said I was a dead ringer for her when I was 16.” Also, if we’re being honest, I would drop $500,000 just to not have to endure the embarrassment of having a child who unabashedly calls themselves a “YouTuber” and “influencer.” But beyond that, I was pretty unfazed about the news, because where I grew up, people have been fleecing the college system for years.

Full disclosure: I come from a WASP-y family. I was raised to not take that identity seriously, but to actually find humor in it. That led me to writing satire for a society website called Guest of a Guest, where I make fun of the culture and the people who try so hard to swindle their way into it all the time. I even make fun of myself for falling prey to it: I actually made the GofG list of “Most Pretentiously Named Socialites,” my dog is literally related to the Kennedy’s dog (plus I had relatives that worked for that administration), and I attended a boarding school at which my family boasted a really long legacy (although I only lasted a year). But thank god my family encouraged me to form my own identity, because otherwise, that would’ve made me the biggest douchebag. (I’m still a douchebag because I make snarky remarks about celebs for a living and literally highjacked an article about this scandal to talk about how someone once said I look like Aunt Becky, but at least I’m not wearing a cashmere sweater draped around my shoulders while doing it.) My parents and grandparents would be disappointed if I was too lenient on the WASP identity because it’s tacky and lame to go into superfluous details about that lifestyle, but for the sake of illustrating how common it really is to game the college admissions system, I’m willing to risk sounding gauche, because it does need to be aired out.

First off, I’m proud of the family I come from, because while we were all given a great education, my grandfather taught us humility and the importance of a good work ethic. For the record, my family never once tried to buy their way into schools they didn’t deserve a spot at, and I am grateful they didn’t. Having access to great education and other perks is wonderful, but my parents really wanted to instill in me that there’s so much more to life than going to a name-brand undergrad program straight out of high school.

But I grew up surrounded by and summering with a lot of ritzy prep school kids who didn’t share the same beliefs (even the fact that I use the word “summer” as a verb is a huge tell). So I guess that makes me a ritzy prep school kid as well. I took a gap year after high school and did a program abroad, and the very first day of my program, I talked to a girl who went to an elite New Hampshire boarding school (I’ll let you figure out which one), and she made it very known that she was attending Harvard in the fall. We took classes at a tutorial college and she would skip class and refuse to do homework because, “I’m going to f*cking Harvard.” Ok, Elle Woods.

But some things she said would make me seriously side-eye. This chick was all too open about how lavish her family’s lifestyle was and how liberal her dad was with his AmEx (only later on, he got tried for embezzlement). Ok, whatever. But one big piece of info she kept quiet about? Her grandfather was the president of a foreign country. Yeah. So I had to wonder if she got into Harvard solely on her own merit.

did any one else just assume that celebrities paid to get their kids into college and are shocked that it’s actually illegal

— jaboukie (@jaboukie) March 12, 2019

This is not just me being salty—Harvard literally admitted that they let in wealthier people in hopes of getting more money from them, as if they need it. I even recall asking my parents how the hell our neighbors got all three of their kids into Harvard. Sure, they went to a really great New York prep school, but they also let the Harvard squash coach stay in their guest house for the summer.

I have tons of anecdotes like these, but I’ll save the rest for my book. When I was having dinner with my parents after this whole story broke, I went into the conversation thinking it was funny as f*ck that these people were finally getting called out so publicly, while my parents were disgusted. Huh?

I brought up the story about my neighbors, and my mom said, “That’s different. Those kids are smart.” Is it different, though? It’s just using your privilege, wealth, and access to get what you want. Maybe overt wire fraud isn’t involved, but your hands are not entirely clean.

Now that the Hollywood Bribery Ring has been busted, the only thing helping rich kids get into college are legacy admissions, private tutors, board member connections, unpaid summer internships, interview coaches, and a lifetime of Ivy-bound grooming!!!

— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) March 12, 2019

What’s even funnier to me is that my parents were outraged by Lori Loughlin and Felicity Huffman paying someone to falsify their kids’ SAT scores. I don’t see the big difference between that and donating a building, or giving free lodging to somebody who works at the school. And whether you’re committing blatant fraud, or just throwing money to get your kid into a school you’re not confident they could be accepted to on merit alone, you’re doing a disservice to your child. Like, I know a girl whose dad is a higher-up in finance, and he secured her a job where he works, along with an elite education. When it came time to take the CFAs, she couldn’t pass the test, even after her third time. So she wasted her time and energy (and Daddy wasted his money) on a career she wasn’t cut out for, and she had to endure the humiliation of being fired from a company at which her father is a huge mover and shaker. I’m confident she’s not the only story like that. I mean, Olivia Jade barely went to class at USC after her mom spent hundreds of thousands (and risked prison time) to scam her way in! Do you think she was really going to graduate with honors and a set career path in anything but makeup videos? No. An elite education, a trust fund, and two brain cells to rub together can’t ultimately guarantee you success.

Job interviewer: Tell me about your time at USC
Olivia Jade: pic.twitter.com/qzDMWsyVxK

— Betches (@betchesluvthis) March 15, 2019

But ultimately, what I think should be on trial here is the antiquated education system that American society shoves down our throats. This stifling structure should be questioned because only a small percentage of kids actually thrive in that environment, and it’s sad that parents are wasting money to force their way in. It’s a detriment to their kids’ personal growth, and pretty much everyone’s personal growth, that we all think graduating college by 22 and adhering to a suffocating system like that is the only way to be successful in life. The VP of Google (F*CKING GOOGLE) even said that having a high GPA or going to an elite school has never been an accurate litmus test of whether or not you’d be a promising employee there (yet they funnel in Ivy League grads with 4.0’s so…what the hell?). But until we realize that it really does not f*cking matter where you go to undergrad, wealthy, connected people will continue to finesse their wealth and connections to get what they want—just like they do in every other facet of society.

Images: jaboukie, bessbell, betchesluvthis / Twitter

By now we are all far too familiar with the college admissions scandal involving Desperate Housewive’s Felicity Huffman and Full House’s Lori Loughlin (aka Aunt Becky). The two celebs were brutally and rightfully roasted, shots were fired, memes were made, and the trash fire that is the internet blazed on (though perhaps with one less YouTuber.)

Just as a quick recap: the FBI (yes, that one) recently indicted 40 people in a huge college admissions scam, where parents were doing things like paying to bolster their children’s SAT scores. You know, just some casual fraud. And while the whole story blew up due to celebrity involvement and some absolutely clickworthy details (like how photos were edited to make it look like these kids were on sports teams that they were not lololol), the entire mess is actually less scandalous than it is inevitable. How? Great Q. Because what happened here is one of the many outcomes of a broken education system in the US, where those with privilege and money are able to create opportunities for themselves that others aren’t. It’s a system that rewards people with money and leaves behind people who dare to be born without it. And yes, what happened in this “scandal” is hella illegal, but the most disturbing part about it is that it’s not that far off from how the legal system works. Moreover, the fact that these people thought in their right minds that they could use their money to get their kids into colleges over other hardworking students makes sense when you look at how we have built the college admission process.

did any one else just assume that celebrities paid to get their kids into college and are shocked that it’s actually illegal

— jaboukie (@jaboukie) March 12, 2019

So let’s take a deeper look at just how fucked up this system (take a shot every time I say system) is, shall we? From the moment parents enter their children into school, privilege already plays a major role. Areas where people with higher incomes live have more money to fund their schools, and therefore better education systems. Race comes into play here as well, as many non-white neighborhoods lack the resources to build up their schools.In just one recent example of how this works, the New York Times ran an exposé on NYC’s “elite” high schools (think Gossip Girl) and found that of nearly 900 students admitted to Stuyvesant High School this year, only seven of those students were black. Seven. So, from day one, being white and being wealthy will put you ahead. That is lé fucked.

By the time kids get to a college application, the system has already made the playing field uneven. Those who could afford to live in a district with good schools are more ready to move on to college. And then there’s college tuition. As you may have heard from Bernie Sanders and/or me at the bar the day my loan payment is due, college tuition is BULLSH*T. The tuition is too damn high! And aside from college costing an insurmountable amount of money for most families, it also creates a situation where people who come from lower income families cannot attend college. And if you’re thinking, “Well they can just get a scholarship! or financial aid!” think again. Scholarships and financial aid are not things you can just *get.* You have to work really damn hard for them and neither are guaranteed, so this again creates a system where those who are less fortunate literally have to work harder to get the things that rich or well off people get while making YouTube videos in their dorm. Again, that is…loco.

And now we arrive at the topic of filthy rich parents using their money to get their kids into schools they wouldn’t be able to otherwise attend. It’s no secret that certain families that hold legacies at Ivy League schools often make large donations, and because of that the schools let their kids in, even when they are not smart enough. *cough George W. Bush cough*  Yet again, wealth and privilege are two of the requirements when it comes to easily getting into good colleges. And where there’s wealth and privilege, there’s racial injustice as well. And that’s not to say that people of color are never wealthy (of course that is not true), it’s just the reality that white people created a system where we are on top, and because of that it’s much easier for us to obtain/maintain privilege.

When you take all of this into account, it actually isn’t that wild that these celebrities assumed they could pay their kids’ ways into college. That’s how the whole system works; if you have money, you have power, and you have the right to get what you want. I mean, what they did was completely heinous and illegal, and the photoshopping part is objectively hilarious, but it’s really not that far off from what is legally allowed. In the end, what’s the difference between paying $500k to a fake SAT proctor and paying $500k to put your name on a building if the result is the same? You get your C-student into an Ivy, while hardworking, exceptional students struggle to afford their safety school. America’s education system is broken, just like the criminal justice system, and just like many others in this country. They need reworking and revolutionizing, and the time is now. Wow, am I…running for president?

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Images: Giphy (3), Twitter (2)

It’s no big secret that the entire college admissions system in the US is f*cked up. College in general is way too expensive, there’s a huge amount of inequality based on race and income (among other things), and high schoolers are under a crazy amount of stress to figure out what they’re doing with the rest of their lives. And now, we have concrete evidence that the whole thing sucks even worse than we thought, because 40 people, including some celebrities, have been indicted for their involvement in a major college admissions scam.

The whole story truly isn’t that surprising, mostly because I watched Gossip Girl, but it’s still pretty disappointing to know that this stuff actually happens in real life. The whole scam was orchestrated by a guy named William Rick Singer, who arranged for people to pay someone else to take the ACT or SAT for their kids. Allegedly, the test fraud went down for between $15,000 and $75,000 a pop, which is truly some Chuck Bass type sh*t. I am curious about the prices though. Like, does paying more get you a 2390 instead of a 2280 on the SAT? Perfect scores definitely come at a cost.

The two biggest stars who have been charged thus far are Felicity Huffman (from Desperate Housewives) and Lori Loughlin (from Full House). Huffman allegedly paid $15,000 for her oldest daughter’s test scores to be boosted, but what Lori Loughlin did is next level. In addition to all the stuff that went down with fraudulent test scores, she reportedly paid $500,000 for her two daughters to be designated as recruits for the USC rowing team, even though the girls didn’t even row. That made it way easier for them to get accepted, which is seriously f*cked. Because apparently it’s not enough to have a famous parent to get into a good school these days. I’m so glad I graduated already, this is f*cking bleak. Also, the people who did crew at my school had to wake up at like 5am every day, so I really hope these spoiled girls at least had to go to some of the practices. Probs not, though.

The FBI agent in charge of the investigation made the following public statement:“We believe everyone charged here today had a role in fostering a culture of corruption and greed that created an uneven playing field for students trying to get into these schools the right way through hard work, good grades and community service.” Wow, rich people being greedy and corrupt, can’t think of anyone who fits that persona! *cough Trump cough*

Overall, it’s believed that over $25 million was exchanged over the course of this whole operation, and the schools involved include UCLA, Yale, Stanford, and Georgetown, among others. So far, 49 people have been indicted, including 33 parents and nine coaches at various universities. I’m sure that Felicity Huffman is far from the only famous person to pull some questionable strings to get their kid into college, so I’m guessing we’ll be hearing more about this in the weeks to come.

For now, my most pressing question is about William H. Macy. As you may or may not know, Felicity Huffman is married to none other than Frank from Shameless. Is he gonna be arrested too? Did he not know about the SAT money? I need to know!!

Images: Shutterstock; Giphy