5 Reasons Men Should Not Be Allowed To Wear Flip-Flops

Acceptance around a man wearing flip-flops in the summer is a more divisive issue than whether Melania Trump is actually part of an elaborate hostage situation. Some people are for (exclusively men); some people are against (everyone else along with a handful of highly considerate men). Let’s end all arguments now—men in flip-flops are nasty af. Unless you’re one of the few hygienic men out there who gets weekly pedicures at their local nail salon, you do not have the right to disturb the world as you’re proudly fanning your crusty feet. Our rapidly crumbling civilization gets exponentially closer to apocalypse every day, and  you’re not exactly bringing the Zen with your vile feet. As summer kicks in, we’re in no uncertain terms here to ask you not to wear flip-flops. We’ve compiled a number of convincing reasons, lest you think we didn’t have a strong argument.

1. Your Feet Are Disgusting

Unlike women, most men don’t get their feet scrutinized and scoured by a small woman talking shit to her coworker while she’s buffing away dead skin and sadness every week. There’s no polish to be found even though, quite frankly, it would help hide that bout of yellow fungus on your left big toe.

Since women are used to meticulous self-judgment and head-to-toe analysis by our bitchy friends (love ya!), we’re naturally programmed to keep that shit lookin’ fly. Or at least, not looking diseased. Men roll out of bed in the morning and we’re lucky if they remember to brush their teeth. So we understand your lack of awareness around foot hygiene. But understanding does not equal acceptance. Ya feel me?

2. Your Feet Are Hairy

Nothing’s hotter than a dude rocking a fur coat from the ankle down—said nobody ever. While you try to re-swallow that vomit that just rose in your mouth, let’s all accept that men, by nature, have hairier feet than women. Sandals and their cousin, the flip-flop, just show all that shit off even more. Hard pass. However, might I take this opportunity to introduce you to the body groomer, which is the most essential all-purpose tool that a man should invest in pretty much as soon as puberty hits? No, it is not too much to ask…we women endure literal torture to look the way we do. Again, you’re welcome.

3. You’ll Get Foot Problems

Fun fact: flip-flops are incredibly bad for your feet. According to The Telegraph, “the flip-flop’s lack of support, coupled with the gripping motion needed to keep it attached to your person … puts extra strain on your metatarsal joints.” So combined with the fact that comfortable flip-flops don’t exist, there’s no arch support, AND you’re damaging your joints, why would any idiot wear these casually?

4. The Sound

You know what isn’t attractive? A guy walking toward me while his feet make a frrrrphmf frrrrphmf frrrrphmf sound akin to a small duckling being kicked down a city block. STOP. Plus I KNOW your feet are sweaty based on said sound, and the idea of your putrid, sweaty duckling feet walking towards me attached to a mouth that will say something stupid is causing me to have a rage blackout.

5. What Happens When You Go The Bathroom

Unlike civilized women, men pee standing up. At a urinal. Next to other dudes. You know what happens when one dude misses or splashes said urinal? Pee happens. It could happen on the floor. It could splatter onto Mr. Flip-Flops feet. Think about that next time you see a man in flip-flops.

If you absolutely insist on wearing flip-flops, then serious regular foot maintenance is mandatory. Yes, we know it hurts like hell when the cuticle cutter digs into the side of your toenail, but that does not excuse you from doing your part to keep civilization alive. Also plan accordingly for the extra five minutes that will be added to your morning ritual for hair removal.  If you choose to spend that extra $20 per week on something other than a standard pedicure, you can take your closed-toed shoes and go. Just go.

Images: Peter Hershey, Unsplash; Giphy (6)