Great news, fellow Americans! After a year of being hounded by the corrupt FBI and the libelous FAKE NEWS liberal media, our esteemed president scored a big win. I’m proud to report that after months of speculation and obstruction from the Deep State congress and their secret president Hillary Clinton, President Trump used his famed dealmaking prowess the powers granted to the office to declassify Devin Nunes’ BOMBSHELL memo on Friday. And folks, it has the libtard Democrats running scar—

Nevermind folks, the memo is a bunch of dumb ass bullshit, like pretty much everything else to come out of this administration.

You can cut to the chase and read the whole memo, but a quick recap: For weeks (that, yes, have felt like decades), Congress has been percolating over the existence of a memo penned by House Intel Committee chairman Devin Nunes. It supposedly showed all kinds of bias and malfeasance on the part of the FBI concerning their investigation into Trump’s campaign, except that the more congress got to see of it, the less they wanted to do with it. Democrats complained that it was partisan and devoid of context, and even Republicans feared it didn’t paint the whole picture and that they’d have little to gain from its release (spoiler: they were right!). But despite warnings from the DOJ and even Paul fucking Ryan to not release it, President Deals declassified it and released it in all its today. If your Twitter feed has been even worse than usual, now you know why.

So like, what exactly does this memo say? To the extent that this dumbfuck memo important document asserts anything, these are the main points:

1. In seeking FISA warrants to surveil Trump campaign aid Carter Page, the FBI and DOJ did not disclose to the FISC (the court responsible for issuing FISA warrants) that Chris Steele’s famous dossier (the one that talks about the pee tape) was partially funded by the DNC.
2. Steele was biased and not credible, both because he had expressed his desire to discredit Trump and had been dismissed as a source by the FBI for speaking to the media, a serious violation for Bureau sources.
3. And ANYWAY, even if that didn’t matter, the Steele dossier hadn’t yet been fully corroborated, so it shouldn’t have counted (or something).
4. Oh, and those FBI agents were saying mean things about Trump to each other, probably between bouts of sex under a beaming portrait of George W. Bush (no really, the FBI text “scandal” is tacked onto the end, for some reason).

This is all supposed to mean that the FBI was biased against Donald Trump, aka the Republican candidate? Give me a fucking break. If you’ve so much as imagined the concept of marijuana, your computer explodes and agents swarm your house when you try to apply for a job at the FBI. They’re the nation’s top fucking law enforcement agency, the cop-iest of cops, for chrissakes. They’re the most conservative apolitical agency on the planet.

Even if a couple of FBI agents exhibited some kind of “bias” against Trump (wait till they hear that FBI agents are allowed to vote!), could it be because they had good reason to suspect that the Trump camp was up to no good? Consider the following, which Nunes’ memo (nor Nunes himself, I suspect) never bothers to do at any point:

1. The FBI has been up Carter Page’s weasley ass since 2013, when they interviewed him after Russian attempts to recruit him as an intelligence agent (God, why does nothing this cool ever happen to me?). Let’s put it this way: if the FBI sees you talking to recruiters from Sarah Lawrence College, and you tell them you want nothing to do with Sarah Lawrence College, and then the FBI catches you taking trips to visit Sarah Lawrence College a few years later, they’re going to… question your intentions, to say the least. The point is, the FBI did not necessarily need the Steele dossier as their only (or even primary) proof that Carter Page needed some good old fashioned survelin’.
2. Speaking of the dossier, it was originally paid for by The Washington Free Beacon, a conservative website funded by billionaire and Republican donor Paul Singer. Fusion GPS was hired to in turn hire Steele to dig up dirt on several Republican candidates, and Singer only gave up on the project in May 2016, once it was clear Trump would clinch the nomination. For those keeping count, that means the “DNC funded Steele dossier” was “DNC funded” for a total of like four months.
3. While perhaps more pertinent to Page specifically, the dossier itself wasn’t the impetus for the FBI’s probe into Russian ratfucking in our election. That would be a drunken conversation Trump campaign aide George Papadopoulos had with an Australian diplomat, where he let slip that the Trump campaign had major dirt on Hillary and the Democrats. When the leaked DNC emails appeared online, the diplomat helpfully made a phone call to his American counterparts.

So, yeah. If it’s anything at all (and that’s being generous), it’s a reason to reexamine the laws governing FISC/FISA procedures. Otherwise, the memo is nothing. In fact, it’s worse than nothing for Trump: while it will surely fire up his idiot base, those people would gladly follow him off a cliff. To the rest of the country, it’s an extremely petty act of the president bypassing norms and conventions to release a document that contains no information of consequence. Not to mention, by complaining about the methods by which it was obtained and the timing of the corroboration, it doesn’t actually say anything to refute the contents of the Steele dossier. In other words, THE PEE TAPE IS OUT THERE, FOLKS.

May we never speak of this dumb fucking thing ever again.

While everyone was still hungover from the weekend on Monday night, House Republicans voted to make a classified document called the Nunes Memo public. The memo supposedly confirms Donald Trump’s beliefs that the FBI is out to get him and that the Russia investigation is one big anti-Trump political attack. Final say on the memo going public comes down to him, so naturally he’s leading the #ReleaseTheMemo campaign and is potentially rumored to be exposing it today. Here’s a rundown of what might happen if it does drop and what might be inside so you can, like, get with the memo (LOL I crack myself up).

Who TF Is Devin Nunes?

TBH when I heard “Nunes Memo,” my first thought was, “Woah, the actor who played Oscar on The Office is getting into politics? Good for you, Oscar!”

Turns out there’s more than one person named Nunes in the world (plus they don’t even spell it the same way – it was a hard stretch). The man behind the memo is Devin Nunes, chair of the House Intelligence Committee and loyal bestie of Trump. He served on Trump’s post-election transition team and has spoken up in defense of the President on numerous occasions. It’s pretty clear where his loyalties lie, so right away, you can bet that this memo is going to be more than just a passive aggressive post-it note on the White House office fridge telling the Democrats to stop drinking his LaCroix.

What’s In The Memo?

The memo is reportedly packed with some majorly juicy goss that, if true, could mean serious trouble for the integrity of the FBI. Nunes claims to have uncovered proof that the FBI and Justice Department are biased against Trump and are only conducting the Russia investigation as a means to attack him and make him look bad.

Trump to the FBI:

Back in the Fall of 2016, the FBI applied for a warrant with the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court (FISA) to wiretap a Trump adviser named Carter Page, on suspicions that he might have secretly been a Russian agent. However, Nunes alleges that the FBI got their evidence of Page’s ties to Russia from a document called the Steele dossier – which was written by a British spy and conveniently funded by the Hillary campaign and the Democratic National Committee. So if that’s what the FBI is basing their investigation warrant on, it might suggest that the FBI plays political favorites, and that their favorite is literally anyone who doesn’t have orange skin, tiny hands, and a love for eating cheeseburgers in bed. Following so far? Because this theory is twisted AF and there’s still tons more yarn to pin up on the conspiracy cork board.

Who’s Getting Dragged?

If this memo does get out, it has the potential to really fuck up a lot of people’s jobs – especially when it comes to the Russia investigation. The person who signed off on the FBI’s renewal application to keep the warrant open was Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein. Rosenstein also just so happens to be the guy supervising Mueller’s entire investigation and protecting him from getting fired without actual cause. Call me Olivia Benson, because I’m pretty sure I just cracked the case on where this is going next.

Say the memo actually does uncover some shady partisan shit, Rosenstein is definitely at risk of being implicated for letting it slide, potentially proving that he’s biased against Trump too. If that happens, Trump could have reason to dust off his favorite phrase again and fire Rosenstein’s ass. With Rosenstein out of the way, the White House would have direct access to Mueller, and no one to tell them Mueller shouldn’t get the boot, effectively ending the Russia investigation if he gets fired as well. Trump is honestly using this memo to crack Rosenstein the way Janice Ian cracked Gretchen Wieners to eventually crack the lock on Regina. It’s risky. It’s diabolical. It’s so fetch.

How Do The Dems/Repubs Feel?

Naturally the Democrats and Republicans have VERY different feelings about this memo, because they’d sooner watch the National Mall go up in flames than come to a common stance on anything. Republicans are thrilled about the possible release of the memo, since they feel that it shows indisputable evidence that the FBI is v scandalous and is using their resources to attack Trump based on personal and political bias. Democrats, on the other hand, are desperately trying to stop this memo from getting out, claiming it’s completely skewed and cherry-picks the facts to make it look like the FBI did something wrong, when really it’s four pages of straight bullshit.

Weirdly enough, no one seems to care very much about changing policy or reforming the process of applying for warrants, which could mean that the main motive behind releasing the memo is really just to find a way to get closer to firing Mueller and ending the Russia probe for good. But, like, no guilty person would ever want to halt a major investigation before it has a chance to find key evidence, right? That would be obstruction of justice.

So will this memo actually reveal anything substantial? No one really knows yet because the actual contents have been kept top secret – Sarah Huckabee Sanders said that Trump hasn’t even read it yet, so the hype must be so real if he’s ready to put the FBI on blast with something he hasn’t even officially seen. We’ll have to wait and see how it all goes down today, but my guess is that it will look a little something like this:

…and then turn into a whole lot of this:

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James Comey, the 90 foot tall (look it up) former FBI director and breakout star of the 2016 election, will be providing testimony to the Senate Intelligence Committee regarding his knowledge of the Trump/Russia connection. We’ve dubbed this the Trump Shit Talking Festival, and it may or may not be the hottest festival of the summer. Featuring performances by Vice Chair Sen. Mark Warner (D-VA), Chairman Sen. Richard Burr, headliner/former FBI Director James Comey, and a potential surprise drop-in from the president himself via Twitter.

It’s gonna be lit. But how lit should we truly expect it to be? Well, based off Comey’s written statement, we might be looking at Rihanna-at-the-Grammys-holding-a-flask levels. So what do you need to know? What do you need to look for? Don’t worry girl. We gotchu.

THE BACKGROUND:

In a statement released yesterday, Comey dished on three separate incidents in which President Trump asked Comey to declare his loyalty to Trump, to stop the investigation into former national security adviser Mike Flynn, and generally just acted like a creepy weirdo. We know this because James Comey kept allllll the receipts via detailed memos, which he wrote immediately after each and every meeting with the president. (NOTE TO SELF: Never, ever become James Comey’s ex. He WILL screenshot everything.) Honestly, as crazy as it sounds, you should just read the whole statement yourself because it’s crazy and only like 7 pages long so basically the same length as your average 2017 political Facebook status.

WHAT TO LOOK FOR:

1. Shade, Shade, And Shade

Despite the fact that he tries to maintain an air of chill, there is no way Comey isn’t totally pissed that Trump fired him. Expect some passive-aggressive digs, some general side-eyeing of Trump’s capabilities as president, and maybe even a “well idk why I was fired but it’s fine I’m great now. Better actually and I love my new boss.”

2. GOP Fuckery

Only 34% of Americans approver of Trump’s “performance” as president (Sidebar: can we really call any of this ‘performance?’ Like, can I say that I took a college-level math class even though I never actually showed up for said class? These are questions I have…), and all 34% of them are Republicans in the Senate (don’t check the numbers on that—I failed college math). Despite the overwhelming, insanely damning evidence against the president, expect the GOP to act like a girlfriend in denial about her boyfriend’s constant cheating and make every excuse. It’s honestly sad, and when they do inevitably realize that Trump is a fuckboy and they’re better off without him, we’ll all be ready with shots and impeachment papers.

3. Some Good News For Trump

While we’re all hoping for The Roast Of President Trump, you can’t forget that this is James Comey we’re dealing with, and James Comey is a tricky bitch. (SEE: 2016 ELECTION) It has been widely reported that Comey will do everything BUT accuse Trump of obstructing justice (low-key the charge that Nixon was avoiding) and that he will corroborate President Trump’s claims that he was not personally under investigation. We’ll probably find out that Trump got these details tattooed on his lower back by Friday.

4. Trump Tweet Storm

The president apparently reserves the right to live-tweet any and everything as he sees fit (honestly, same) so it is hard to imagine we won’t be hearing from the president during the three-hour hearing. I mean, it’s not like he could have anything better to do as president than sit in front of his computer from 10am-1pm. Honestly, I want to roast the president here but it is hard because I have been known to leave my desk for a few hours to shoot off some tweets myself. I mean, I’m not the president, but still.

5. “Lordy”

If Comey’s previous testimonies have taught us anything, it’s that homeboy loves to say the word “lordy.” It’s like like how women in their 20s use “AF.” It can basically be added to any sentence for emphasis. For example, “Lordy my previous misconduct has plunged the U.S. into a mess!” I’d say take a drink for every “lordy” we hear today, but that would probably end in an immediate blackout. 

On second thought, that’s exactly what you should do. 

6. Me, Staring Into The Sky, Wondering How I’m Supposed To Feel About James Comey

Is James Comey a friend or foe? I truly don’t know. On the one had, this is low-key his fault for writing his dumb letter about Hillary Clinton so close to the election. On the other hand, he’s our best chance at getting President Tweet out of office. Could it be that James Comey is both the problem and the solution? Am I high? I’m high. 

WTF is happening in the country right now? It’s like we woke up from a really bad hangover and just want to go back to sleep. All of a sudden we have to care way too much about politics. Honestly this is like when all of Greek life comes together when a school tries to shut down frat row, because even though all we want to do is binge watch The Bachelor, we have no choice but to be activists or we’ll all lose. Thankfully we’ve made it easier for you betches, here’s a recap of what’s happening with Trump this week with the Russia hacks.

In case you haven’t heard, there’s been rumors that Russia hacked us and the news outlets have been scrambling to find out how deep it goes. Imagine your boyfriend missed your birthday because he told you he was out of town, but then you find out he wasn’t out of town like he said. You know something’s up, you just haven’t found out if he was cheating on you or not. When you first catch him in a lie, you’re probably trying to get more information before you confront him about it. 

So that’s exactly what happened here with Russia. Why didn’t we get all the information at once? Well according to a CNN report, a dossier was released to the FBI that provides evidence that Russia blackmailed Trump.

Basically CNN is like your friend who says she knows for a fact you should dump your bf but won’t tell you why. Instead of listening to your friend, you just write her off as trying to sabotage your relationship.

Anytime you’ve ever wanted to warn a friend about a shady bro, it usually is warranted. Like maybe he got aggro and tried to touch your leg while his gf wasn’t looking, but you don’t want to be called a slut so you leave that part out when warning your friend. I mean, it happens. Anyways, CNN couldn’t provide the documents because they weren’t verified and that’s just a no-no in journalism, so Buzzfeed did it instead.

If the Buzzfeed document is the same one CNN is referring to, then basically Trump is guilty AF. In the docs, which are allegedly an intelligence briefing given to the FBI, it says that Russia provided Trump with information throughout the election on his opponents. It also mentions that he hired hookers to pee in the presidential suite of the Ritz Carlton in Moscow, because that’s where the Obamas stayed when they were in town. So, petty AF.

Actually, the exact words were “employing a number of prostitutes to perform a golden showers show in front of him”.

So basically Buzzfeed just showed you a receipt from Per Se the night of your birthday and claims it’s from your boyfriend. I mean, do you trust her? She’s in your outer circle and not a confidante, but everything kind of lines up pointing to your boyfriend is cheating on you. At the very least you know he’s been lying to you.

We know that Russia has hacked something, but just how deep it goes and how much influence they have on Trump is still unclear. Like any breakup that’s caused by cheating, you know you’re going to find out more shit he lied about as time goes on. Like was it a one-time cheating thing, or has this been happening forever? Did he really love you when he said it? Is there more than one girl he’s sleeping with and do any of them know about you? So many questions. In response to the documents, Trump tweeted this out the other night: 

FAKE NEWS – A TOTAL POLITICAL WITCH HUNT!

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) January 11, 2017

Then yesterday morning, he held a press conference and criticized the intelligence agents for letting this information get out. He denied having any ties with Russia, but instead of saying the document wasn’t real, he just talked about how it was a mistake for the information to come out. That would be like confronting your boyfriend about lying to you and having him get mad that you found out, rather than apologize for the thing he did.

In summary, Trump is a lying boyfriend but you’re still trying to figure out just how much he lied about. Also you kind of already told him you’d marry him, so you’re not sure what to do now. 

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