In case the fact that your hangovers now last like, an eternity wasn’t indication enough, you’re kind of on your way to getting old AF. Yet another company has made moves to prove that your childhood is totally over. CoverGirl is no longer easy, breezy, AIM is currently RIP, and now Coach isn’t even called Coach anymore.
The company responsible for your favorite Hanukkah present from 2006 announced that it’s now going to call itself Tapestry. Realistically, this doesn’t actually affect anyone because nobody rocks Coach besides Selena Gomez these days since she’s
probably contractually obligated to. And maybe some good will come out of this change, like retiring those horrendous opposite-facing C’s forever. However, it’s still sad in the same way that it’s sad to see that your prom date now posts filtered selfies on Facebook. It doesn’t really matter, but change is still hard to swallow.
Apparently Coach’s name change is meant to reflect the fact that the company also includes the Kate Spade and Stuart Weitzman brands, but we all know it’s probably because they’re trying to distance themselves from their reputation as the company that makes the flip flop wedges and trendy librarian loafers taking up prime shelf space at Nordstrom Rack. Ugh, wait. I just read that Coach will still continue to make Coach bags, just they will be doing so under the larger brand, whose name will now be Tapestry. Well that’s underwhelming, but my point about the C’s still stands. End it.
Regardless, just like deleting drunk texts in the morning doesn’t change the fact that you’ve sent them, renaming a company isn’t really enough for a rebrand.
Coach Tapestry better have big plans, or at least a Kylie Jenner endorsement in the works, if they expect any of us to start buying their shit again.
If you say Paris Hilton isn’t secretly your idol, you’re lying. Her face is on foreign sparkling wine and plastered on giant portraits throughout her house so she can just look at herself. Her five dogs have their own fucking mansion, for god’s sake. She is the one who made it cute to carry a small dog in your purse. She is the probably one who made you buy (and bedazzle) your RAZR flip phone. She is the reason why you find good lighting to take a selfie. And, she easily makes millions a day just by saying trademarked one liners. I’m not telling you to consider making a viral sex tape, but I’m saying you should consider making a viral sex tape.
In a recent interview with W Magazine, Paris basically says she is the shit and she knows it. She blatantly said she’s the one who apparently “invented the selfie.” She made mini denim skirts happen and she is the reason why Juicy Couture is a thing. It’s obvious what Paris says goes, so I wouldn’t be surprised if the Blackberry or Sidekick made a comeback.
Because Paris loves us so much and wants us all to look cute, here are the best trends the queen of the 2000s says you should still be wearing from “the hottest years in fashion”:
1. Track Suits
The more embellishments, the better. Make sure they’re colorful so that you look more fashionable than workout ready. Looking like you’re actually going to the gym is not acceptable. Kylie Jenner rocked a tracksuit from
<a data-cke-saved-href=”https://www.mytheresa.com/en-us/x-juicy-couture-velour-track-pants-735419.html?catref=category&utm_source=affiliate&utm_medium=affiliate.linkshare.uk&siteID=TnL5HPStwNw-EyLTUzdo8xUzDiZy8i5tgQ&utm_source=affiliate&utm_medium=affiliate.linkshare.uk&siteID=TnL5HPStwNw-UlBTUwMx9NXpib4Mt0v8ew” href=”https://www.mytheresa.com/en-us/x-juicy-couture-velour-track-pants-735419.html?catref=category&utm_source=affiliate&utm_medium=affiliate.linkshare.uk&siteID=TnL5HPStwNw-EyLTUzdo8xUzDiZy8i5tgQ&utm_source=affiliate&utm_medium=affiliate.linkshare.uk&siteID=TnL5HPStwNw-UlBTUwMx9NXpib4Mt0v8ew” font-weight:=”” normal;”=””>Juicy Couture Velour Filagree Crown Original Jacket
2. Graphic Tees
Graphic tees such as this one are great for showing everyone what’s on your mind. Find one that really speaks to you and will show off just how philosophical you can be.
Or this one:
Shop Betches Still Drunk Flowy Tank
3. Mini Skirt
Guys, it’s really happening. Thanks to the current denim craze that reminds me of the Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears days, denim mini skirts are making a comeback. Embrace the cringe-worthy high school fashion and the days we binge watched Laguna Beach. Sex it up with over the knee boots or low chunky heel sandals. Own that mini skirt, work that mini skirt.
PAIGE alethea Skirt
4. Millennial Pink
It’s the color of your favorite blush palette and the Insta-worthy Pink Drink from Starbucks. It’s been around for the past few years and it’s definitely not going away anytime soon. The controversial term (because in this day and age, this is apparently worth arguing over) is not a single color, but a range of light pink shades that include salmon and a pale blush. After
clicking on two Google links extensive research, the shade of pink includes some sort of subliminal political message regarding like, the rules of feminism. True betches wear this color at least once a week so, every Wednesday, don’t forget. Or else.
Ted Baker Tinsley Curved Bow Zip Large Leather Tote in Baby Pink/Rose GoldRhinestones.
5. Rhinestones. So. Many. Rhinestones.
According to Princess Paris, there is no such thing as too much bling. Anything with rhinestones is worth wearing. A thick rhinestone choker is the perfect essential to add glam and turn heads because you just really like (and need) attention.
Iridescent Rinestone Choker
6. Trendy Baseball Cap
Paris says trucker hats are still cool but honestly, a trucker hat reminds me of those assholes who go to raves wearing neon from head to toe, and a lame fucking shirt that says something like, “party with sluts.” I’m going to go ahead and say it’s a no from me on that one. Opt for a cute, light baseball cap instead that has some inspirational quote on it. Wear it on the days you’re too lazy to wash your hair or to buy more dry shampoo.
BODY RAGS CLOTHING CO. Gym Now Wine Later Baseball Cap
7. Crop Tops With Low-Rise Jeans
Low-rise jeans bring me back to a time I never want to go back to. I don’t advise anyone wearing this tacky combo tbh, because that’s just really pushing it. If you must, settle for distressed mid-rise skinny jeans so that way, they’re basically not where your thong is. If you’ve always wanted to channel “Dirrty” Christina Aguilera, this would be the perfect time to get away with it.
GRLFRND Candice Skinny Jean