Hello, Are You the One? Nation! Huh, that wasn’t quite as catchy as Bachelor Nation. Plus, way less people watch this show. Hello, Are You the One? Borough! Yes, yes, that’s right. We’ve made it to another week of our beloved show, and as you’ll recall, last week we were left on a cliffhanger. Will Tevin, Jasmine, and a vat of neon paint seal the deal? Let’s dive right in!
We open on a rainy morning, and honestly the weather for this retreat is not doing a whole hell of a lot to help out the Hawaii tourism bureau. I thought the weather there was always supposed to be sunny with a chance of piña coladas? Is that not right?
A bunch of the cast is sitting around in one tent talking about their exes. Cam is talking about how Kayla’s ex was a piece of woman-hating trash on steroids (I paraphrase) and that reminds me that last week in the comments someone mentioned I forgot to say how sweet Cam was to Kayla during that whole situation. And he was! I’m sorry I didn’t say it, sometimes I get so focused on writing mean things about idiots that I don’t write about the people that display general human decency. Snaps for Cam! And Cam, if you don’t find your perfect match, my girl It’s Britney, Betch is very into your fratty vibe so you might want to hit her up. There! My good deed for today. Moving on.
This is a nice supportive moment in the tent, and everyone is very sweet to one another and they are committed to working together and figuring this thing out. Obviously, Bria is not there.
Cut to Tevin and Asia doing yoga and talking about Kenya’s behavior with her ex. And by behavior, I mean supergluing her ass to his lap. Tevin says he’s afraid that Kenya will find out what happened between him and Jasmine, and I think that statement, along with the graphic footage from last week, pretty much confirms that the neon paint was used as lube last night. Tevin is set on separating from Kenya and I’m feeling very doubtful that will happen.
Back inside the tent, Bria, possessed by the devil and the souls of all the scorned women that came before her, is plotting her revenge on Morgan. She says she doesn’t know what she’s going to do yet, but it’s coming. I’m just going to take a wild guess and say it’s going to involve a meat cleaver, rope, duct tape, and bleach.
Terry shows up and praises the cast for surviving this relationship rehab. I think he’s using the word “survive” very liberally but k, whatever. The good news is that he’s springing them from this monsoon and allowing them to return to the house. I bet they’ve never been so happy to return to their bare mattresses on the floor!
The crew gets home, and everybody immediately needs a shower, and then they have a taco party. I think this is what OJ did the first night he was released from prison, too. Nutsa keeps yelling “guys it’s taco Tuesday!” and now her voice has ruined tacos for me forever. I’m beginning to understand why she has not found love.
Kwasi eats his taco and then decides to stir up some sh*t. And not like Cali’s spicy poops kind of sh*t. He pulls Kenya aside to talk to her.
Kwasi: I don’t want to be a snitch…
Kenya: Tell me
Kwasi: Well since you twisted my arm, Jasmine sucked Tevin’s d*ck last night
Me:
Kenya is “disgusted” but seems to forget that the reason she didn’t know this happened was because she was temporarily indisposed cuddling up to Tevin’s doppelgänger! She straight-up asks Jasmine if she hooked up with Tevin last night and to her credit, Jasmine admits it right away. Then Kenya takes off to castrate Tevin. She finds him, and Lewis is lingering. She yells, “everyone get the f*ck away” and Lewis says, “I’m bored!” National. Treasure. If anyone deserves to get their d*ck sucked it’s this guy. Oh wait, Kenya already did that…
Tevin admits that he was hurt by the way Kenya was acting with her ex, and that’s why he hooked up with Jasmine. Kenya forgives him and now I just feel bad for Jasmine, who quickly became a pawn in the sick game of two people who will ultimately have multiple pregnancy scares and then break up, perhaps with police intervention.
We switch over to Zak and Morgan, who are sitting outside and listing the things they know about each other. Apparently both of them work for marketing agencies. I’m sure these marketing agencies are very proud of the talent they’ve churned out. Please say the company’s names so I never apply they can get credit. Zak and Morgan are so turned on by all this marketing talk they hightail it to the boom boom room.
The next morning, Terry shows up and reminds us of the fate button. Fate is feeling very left out after a week just sitting in the living room, not being able to ruin lives and pretend to make matches. So fate has taken revenge on the group and chosen Morgan, Kenya, Brett, and Kwasi. At least it spared us all from an extra five minutes of Nutsa’s voice. This week the group date is surfing. In Hawaii.
Kwasi does not know how to swim, and now I’m worried fate was intervening to cause his death do something else. That sneaky b*tch.
Kwasi is really into Morgan and tells her she’s beautiful. She doesn’t like him because he’s superficial. Well, he did spend significant amount of time on this date describing her “yummy physique,” so that’s a fair assessment.
Kenya and Brett think that they could be a match, but they don’t think they have a romantic spark. They also think they’re both hilarious, and to that I say, TELL ME A JOKE. Prove it! No one here has shown me any hilarity other than Lewis. I’m waiting.
Terry gathers the crew in the living room, and decides there isn’t enough blood on the carpet tonight, so he immediately asks Zak if he’s made any new connections. Zak starts gushing over Morgan, as Bria’s smile over in the corner chills me to the bone.
Terry then moves on to see who was voted into the truth booth, and the group has voted in Brett and Kenya. They head to the truth booth and we cut to commercial as our cast screams bloody murder, like they do every week. It means nothing. Well, it means nothing until the week Bria eventually decapitates Morgan.
And they are not a match! Kenya is crying tears of joy because this means she gets to go back to her man. You know, the one who got his d*ck sucked by another girl last night. She’s so lucky!
Me, interviewing Jasmine: How are you feeling right now Jaz?
Jasmine:
After taking a few shots, Bria decides to confront Morgan. Personally, if I was going to commit murder, I’d want to be sober as to make sure I got away with it, but to each their stupid own. Instead of killing her, though, Bria decides to sit Morgan down and just tell her in her very best Liam Neeson revenge-thriller voice that she’s better than Morgan. Morgan says “k, cool, can I go now?” She is allowed to leave. This time…
The next day, Asia decides that she is the Rain Man of the house and is doing some serious strategizing ahead of the match up ceremony. I love the part of the season when people start trying to do math. It very rarely works, and more often than not, their heads explode.
Terry welcomes the crew to the match up ceremony and checks in with our only perfect match thus far, Maria and Shamoy. Shamoy says things are going well but other people need to find their matches so they can have “other people to kick it with.” AKA they f*cking hate each other already. No word on whether anyone has spilled on that white couch yet, unfortunately.
Terry calls up the ladies to choose.
- Kayla picks Brett, and I see they decided to go with strategy this round. Brett and his bandana are happy, but Cam, his comforting arms, and his hat are sad.
- Asia picks Cam. His hat perks up.
- Samantha picks Moe.
Terry calls Morgan up. He asks her about Zak and then decides there’s not enough blood on his podium, so he asks Bria her thoughts. She calls Morgan a liar. Screaming commences. I drink wine and tune it out. I’ve had enough of this girl.
- Morgan picks Zak.
- Nutsa picks Andrew.
- Lauren picks Daniel.
- Cali picks Tomas.
- Jasmine picks Tevin. Certain people are pissed *cough* Kenya *cough* and Asia claims Tevin doesn’t even like Jasmine. Well, Asia, I’m sure he liked her at least a little when he let her put his d*ck in her mouth, k?
- Kenya picks Lewis.
- Bria picks Kwasi.
Everyone is “locked in.” Words I’m sure they’ve all heard before while drying up in their local drunk tank. We wait an interminable amount of time for the beams. They don’t black out on beams, but I’m sure they’ll be able to accomplish that later with alcohol. The group only gets one additional beam, and Papa Terry is very upset. He tells them that tonight was trash. Hey! That’s my line!
Everyone walks away hanging their heads in shame. TBH they should be hanging their heads in shame more often on this show. That should be their default position. As the episode ends they all are headed to their timeout chairs that Papa Terry set up for them in the house as punishment for being stupid idiots that are dumb. See you next week!
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Hi friends! Welcome back to another week of Are You The One: We’re Tricking Morons Into Believing Fate is Real. Shall we dive right in?
We’re back at the house right after the matchup ceremony, and immediately this show is testing my very shaky sanity because we have Zak and Bria both claiming they are officially done with one another.
Me:
In an attempt to prove they are over each other, Bria declares she has respect for herself and then immediately licks chocolate sauce off another girl’s crotch, while Zak unsuccessfully tries to make out with Sam in the pool. Sadly for Zak, Sam was born with the entirety of her brain intact and she figures out he’s just trying to make out with her to piss Bria off. Who, him?! Poor, innocent, misunderstood Zak?! Never!
But seriously, let’s keep our eyes on Sam here. She’s literally the Stephen Hawking to these court jesters.
Maria and Shamoy are talking about how they’re into each other in the kitchen, and Andrew, the grown man who forgot to put sunscreen on in Hawaii, thinks they are a match. So it’s definitely going to be true.
We move on to a really weird shower scene between Maria and Shamoy. Guys, just take your own shower or shower together. It’s not a hard decision! It’s like when me and my friends are trying to decide where to go to dinner and no one will actually give their opinion and we end up at Chili’s again. Except for in that scenario no one is naked.
We’ve made it to the next morning and no one had to have their stomach pumped. Blessings.
Asia decides to wake up Lewis at 8am after a night of heavy drinking and tell him she made him breakfast. That’s sweet and all, but like, you couldn’t wait until the sun came up? Nobody wants an early riser for the rest of their life. *shudders*. Lewis earnestly tells Asia she’s the real MVP as she spills his coffee everywhere. A little coffee for Lewis, a little coffee for the counter, a little for Lewis, a lot for the counter. A real housewife in the making, ladies and gentleman.
Brett and Cali finally get some screen time and they choose to use it to discuss what kind of animal they would be. Brett says a monkey and I’m just going to assume he means Marcel from Friends because that monkey lived, you know?
Brett also admits he is into Cali and they tell each other something no one in the house would know about them. Brett has had three surgeries, but apparently no haircuts ever. Cali admits to loving spicy food and how it makes her sh*t her brains out; she calls them “spicy poops.” Ah, young love. Is anything sweeter than talking about your bowel troubles? I have to admit I appreciate this conversation between them because at least I don’t have to figure out a new way to write “and then Bria went crazy.”
Over by the pool, Tevin and Asia are chatting. Tevin spills the beans that Kenya gave head to Asia’s beloved Lewis. He says she “topped him off.” Is that what the kids are calling it these days? Needless to say, Asia is pissed. She didn’t top off Lewis’s coffee to have someone else top off his d*ck.
Samantha, Cali, and Morgan are sitting around talking about how they’re into Daniel. Sam says he’s her first choice and she’s really into him because he’s sweaty. SWEATY! SAM. Do you want me to take back all the nice things I said about you?
Terry shows up and reminds them of the fate button. It’s cute how he shows off the fate button like it’s a brand new Kia on The Price is Right. It’s almost like he knows he’ll need a fallback plan when this show is inevitably cancelled after someone dies of alcohol poisoning.
The Devil Fate chooses Lewis, Shamoy, Maria, and Lauren. The whole room is pumped up because they want Shamoy and Maria in the truth booth. How FUNNY and COINCIDENTAL that the fate button chose a couple that the producers want to get in there. Isn’t fate just so CRAZY?!
The date is a horseback ride but it’s super foggy. Is it just me or is this giving off serious Sleepy Hollow vibes? Maybe someone will lose their head!
Lewis is nervous about riding and Lauren tells him he better calm down because horses can smell your fear. And I would remind you so can the homeless man on the subway mumbling about what color you see when you die. And that’s today’s public service announcement. Anyway, as everyone who has even briefly encountered me knows, I had a bad experience with a horse named Huckleberry many years ago, so to Lewis I say, RUN! Get out now!
Maria makes Shamoy take his shirt off for the ride and now I’m concerned that this is turning into a very low-budget porno. Or wait, is this already a very low-budget porno? MTV, I’ll be waiting for your official statement.
OMG Lauren’s horse freaks out and she falls off, and I am getting serious flashbacks here. Is this f*cker’s name Huckleberry?! I thought he’d be dead by now.
Meanwhile, everyone back at the house and safely on the ground is picking Maria and Shamoy to go into the truth booth.
Maria and Shamoy are enjoying their date and are into each other. She tells him she wants him to be more aggressive. I’m sure this will come back to haunt us all.
Meanwhile, Asia is walking around telling everyone in the house that Kenya gave Lewis a good ol’ BJ. She’s definitely the friend you tell a secret to and say “but don’t tell anyone,” and then she goes and tells everyone she knows.
Sweaty Daniel fashions up some makeshift fishing poles and takes Samantha on a little date to catch crabs with meat. He literally just said “I hear this is the best time to catch crabs.” Ironically, that’s exactly what Sam says to him later when she convinces him to use a condom.
Terry comes in and announces it’s time for the truth booth. To no one’s surprise, Shamoy and Maria are heading to the little shack that will tell them if they are meant to be.
And they’re a perfect match! I’m shocked TBH. Which producer did Maria have to seduce to get that result?
The house celebrates, and I told you that Maria’s directive to Shamoy to be more aggressive would come back to haunt us, as he begins to dry hump her on the couch to everyone’s delight. And this is the part where I clawed my eyes out so I’m gonna have to end this recap right here. Bye!
Cali screams out “You know what this means? This means that fate is f*cking real!” And that’s how I know they’ve all drank themselves into brain damage.
Brett and Cali make out in the hot tub and then Cali briefly goes inside, I assume to have a spicy poop, and when Brett comes in he sees her talking to Zak even though she was supposed to come back out to the hot tub. What he doesn’t hear is that Zak literally just told Cali that she reminds him of his sister. Which I think means he’s not hitting on her? Unless he thinks his sister is hot. Can someone pls confirm?
Brett immediately loses his sh*t and starts screaming at Zak and Cali. Lol I appreciate that Cali is straight-up like “I’m pretty drunk so I forgot I was supposed to meet him in the hot tub.” Same girl, same.
Brett and Cali start yelling at each other, but no one is making much sense because they are both very inebriated. Brett tells us in the confessional that he doesn’t usually lose his cool, and I believe that as much as I believe myself when I look in the mirror in the morning and say “today is going to be a good day.” Especially since I’m staring at the words “The Jealous Type” right under his name. The jealous ones are never the chill ones. The jealous ones are the ones that are incarcerated.
Cali continues to call Brett “Zak” during this argument and I’m distressed because we do not need Zak’s ego getting any bigger at this point.
We’ve made it to the morning and Brett is feeling a little stupid over what happened the night before. I’ll tell ya what Brett, get yourself a pork roll, egg, and cheese, and verbally abuse yourself for about 7-9 days and that guilt will clear right up. Trust me, I know.
Outside, Tevin is trying to clean up the mess he created. He’s admitting to Kenya that he told Asia that she hooked up with Lewis.
Tevin: I think I might have started some sh*t
Me:
Lewis pulls Asia aside, because he doesn’t really understand why she’s so pissed. Kenya comes over and starts yelling at Asia, so naturally Lewis invites her to sit down. Asia is basically mad that no one ever told her the two of them hooked up. Kenya tries to defend herself by saying “well it wasn’t romantic it was just a blow job.” Did she get that line from my ex?
Kenya claims that Asia never told her or Lewis that she liked Lewis in that way. And Lewis is just sitting there with these two hot girls fighting over him like this:
Lewis is just now realizing that perhaps Asia has feelings for him and he’s not sure she’s his match, which basically just means he wants to swap bodily fluids with more girls in the house before settling down. When we leave the convo all is well between Asia and Kenya. And now we have finally have world peace!
We’ve made it to the matchup ceremony, and Terry is thrilled because these dummies have figured out a perfect match. Ryan Devlin would never show so much emotion about something so stupid, Terry. Pull it together, man!
This week the guy’s pick their perfect matches, and I’m sure they won’t f*ck this up at all.
Lewis picks Asia. Now that she’s wearing an outfit that shows off her labia I guess he’s finally into her? Asia then tells Terry about the Kenya and Lewis hookup because he’s the only person on Earth besides her mom’s sister’s cousin who she has left to tell.
Cam picks Kayla.
Tevin picks Kenya.
Daniel picks Samantha.
Brett is next, and I swear that thick hair is cutting off the oxygen to his brain. He picks Cali, but she’s clearly not over the other night. The whole exchange goes like this:
Cali:
Brett: My perfect match is Cali.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Andrew picks Lauren.
Tomas picks Bria.
Kwasi picks Jasmine.
Moe picks Nutsa and she complains that all he does around the house is clean and cook and I’m wondering how that’s a bad thing? Like, could Moe come to my house pls? I’ve got pizza boxes that aren’t going throw themselves out.
Zak picks Morgan.
The crew gets three beams again (including the perfect match beam of Shamoy and Maria) and Papa Terry is not pleased. But he does have a surprise for them. Terry announces that instead of four people going on a date next week, they will all be going on an overnight relationship rehab, which I’m pretty sure is just code for a bang fest. Everyone heads back to the house to pack their lingerie, whipped cream, and condoms.
And we out!
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