Trump will go down in history as many things. A racial tension-stoker. A climate change-denier. A collusion-maker, and
definitely maybe even a crime-doer. But I think we can all agree that most importantly, Trump will be remembered as the fattest modern president, one that has the ghost of William Taft quietly moaning “beware the bathtubs” through the halls of the White House’s private residence.
And how does America’s thiccest POTUS maintain a body that aligns him so well with his supporters? How does a man of his stature consume the energy necessary to power lengthy, rage-induced early AM tweetstorms from atop his golden toilet? According to former campaign manager Corey Lewandowski and aid David Bossie, it’s by consuming a shitload of the finest reconstituted cow rectum America has to offer: McDonald’s.
The press is salivating over their new book, Let Trump Be Trump for a lot of reasons you’d expect: it portrays the president as a massive, stupid asshole, one who got into cursing matches with his political advisors and had his suits steamed while he was wearing them. But it also contains some choice tidbits about the Big Wet Boy’s eating habits, which as previously mentioned are way more important to the national political discourse:
“And Trump’s appetite seems to know no bounds when it comes to McDonald’s, with a dinner order consisting of ‘two Big Macs, two Fillet-O-Fish, and a chocolate malted.’”
Trump’s fast-food diet is a theme. “On Trump Force One there were four major food groups: McDonald’s, Kentucky Fried Chicken, pizza and Diet Coke,” the authors write.
There’s also an anecdote about Trump leaving a staffer at a McDonald’s because his order was taking too long, which is cold as hell. But while impressive, this is not necessarily surprising. Trump has been photographed eating McDonald’s, KFC and his own building’s taco bowls. His dietary habits, along with his barely-concealed racism and lack of macroeconomic understanding, may literally be the only thing that connects him to the average American.
Business Insider crunched some numbers and found that the aforementioned order packs about 2,500 calories and about 70 grams of fat, which they note is about twice what a man his age should eat in an entire day. But again, Trump’s obsession with eating like a gross fatass is well-documented. His obsession with fast food is a combination of germaphobia, careful image crafting, convenience and genuine preference. Of course, he famously avoids exercise because he believes humans are born with a finite amount of energy (sure it’s not those bone spurs, Don?).
This is, of course, just one more thing that makes him infuriating. Despite a diet that would kill anyone else half his age, one look at his children prove that the president has genes far better than they have any right to be. Dream all you want of a McDouble-induced coronary, but he’ll still be here, hands slicked with chicken grease, or the secretions of an unconsenting woman. Either or, really.
Head Pro also talks politics on twitter, and you can follow him at @betchesheadpro. Email him your own bad political takes at [email protected]
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There are so many bullshit products on the market that promise to clear up your skin overnight, but let’s be real: what you put in your body has so much more power. If you’ve struggled with skin breakouts in the past aka are human and have tried everything out there, you might want to consider your diet as the culprit. Sorry for sounding like your mom, but it’s true. You could drink three liters of water a day and wash your face incessantly, but still be eating shit that is making you break out. These 7 foods make you break out, so avoid them like
the plague fuckboys.
In case you needed another reason to stop stuffing your face with candy like a 7-year-old, here it is. Sugar isn’t only bad for your heart health and insulin levels, but it could also be causing you to break out. When you eat refined sugar, your insulin levels spike, which causes your body to undergo a burst of inflammation, which doesn’t exactly sound like a cleanse. This inflammation produces enzymes that break down collagen and elastin in your skin and are likely to cause pimples and wrinkles as time goes on. We could bore you with more science, but you get the point. You thought your mom was just fat-shaming you as a preteen when she told you chocolate was giving you pimples, but she actually wasn’t. (Damn it, mom. Can I live?) Put down the Snickers.
2. Dairy Products
Sorry to break it to you, but like, fucking duh. Most people in the world already know that dairy can cause breakouts, but in case you don’t, here’s your reminder. Dairy is a pro-inflammatory ingredient, which means it will negatively affect your joints, digestion, and yes, your skin. It’s also usually packed with hormones and sugar, which doesn’t help. A little bit of milk or cheese here and there won’t kill you, but if you’re prone to breakouts, I’d stay away from the froyo for now. The 16 Handles workers are starting to know your name, and it’s getting a little sad.
You probably thought you were being super healthy by getting tofu in your Sweetgreen salad and saying no to croutons, but it turns out soy isn’t actually that good for you, and it could be making your face look like a literal minefield. There have been a ton of studies done about soy and skin quality, and it’s hard to say if it really makes you break out, but we know for sure that too much of it fucks with your hormones, which can definitely lead to some sketchy shit. Try limiting your soy intake and see if you can notice a difference in your skin. That means no soy lattes, but also no milk lattes, so I guess that leaves almond milk? K. If you don’t notice any difference after you rule out soy, knock yourself out with that miso sesame tofu shit. Just stop telling everyone about how you’re “trying out being a vegetarian.”
4. White Wine
Someone once made up that a glass of wine has a substantial amount of antioxidants in it, so we were all pumped to keep filling our glasses until someone told us otherwise. As it turns out, our alcoholic bubble has officially been burst, because a new scientific study is showing that white wine is actually sabotaging your skin. There’s this skin disease called rosacea where your skin turns red and causes acne-like breakouts and just overall not-cuteness, and apparently white wine could be the culprit. I mean, we don’t want to believe it, but the study was published in the Journal of American Dermatology, so we kind of have to. *cries into my oversized wine glass*
Even if you’re buying cereals that are low in sugar, cereal is still a very processed food, which is known to make your skin seek revenge by fucking up your life. If you’re looking for the clearest skin possible, avoid processed snacks as much as you can, even if they’re branded as “healthy” (which, tbh, they probs aren’t). Most “healthy” cereals are paying millions for good marketing, so don’t give in to that bullshit. As your middle school health teacher told you countless times, read the label. If you can’t understand the ingredients, it can’t be doing anything good for you. Instead, go for eggs, fruit, vegetables, and whole grains like a normal fucking adult. Whole Wheat Quaker Squares don’t count. Honestly if you’re not a first grader or a poor college student or perpetually high, why are you eating cereal in the first place?
6. Bottled Water
SAY IT ISN’T SO. First they came for our white wine and now this? Scientists might be purposefully trying to annihilate the betch demographic. It’s a conspiracy, I say! Anywho, betches never have a shortage of beverages on hand, but we might need to be reconsidering the three liter Smart Water we down everyday thinking it’s helping our skin. Staying hydrated is obviously good for you, but most plastic water bottles contain BPA, which is a steroid analogue that could fuck with your hormones. Not only is plastic terrible for the environment, but it could actually be causing those zits that cropped up on your face right before your best friend’s wedding. Just another reason to invest in an overpriced S’well water bottle, I guess.
7. Fast Food
This one should be obvious, but then again, the obesity rate in this country is higher than ever and health organizations are in a fucking panic over American food choices, so maybe if the fact that it’s literally going to kill you isn’t enough of a reason to stop eating this crap, telling you it’s making your face look bad will do the trick. Fast food is literally the worst thing you can put in your body, and fucking obviously all that grease from the ten pounds of oil in your order of french fries will make you break out. If you’re blackout at 3am and decide to order the deluxe happy meal, be my guest, but don’t cry when the next day your face looks as ratchet as your life choices and you start trying out every face mask in Sephora to save yourself. Just skip the fried food. Your sober self will thank you.
The world is a fucking weird place. Someone at Taco Bell corporate has decided it would be a great idea for tourists to get married in its flagship Las Vegas restaurant, because nothing screams romance like a bouquet of hot sauce and a gordita crunch after a night of Molly.
Seriously, though. The Taco Bell in Las Vegas will start charging drunk assholes $600 to get married in its classy establishment. Worried about getting married with cashiers and coked-out bros around? Don’t be. The “cantina” variation of this Taco Bell naturally comes with a chapel enclosed in its hallowed walls, and even an officiant standing by to make all of your drunk decisions are permanent in the eyes of the law. Just what we’ve always wanted.
The $600 ceremony includes a Taco Bell garter, bow tie, sauce packet bouquet, “Just Married” T-shirts and Taco Bell-branded Champagne flutes. It gets better! The lucky couple will also be treated to a 12-pack of tacos as their first married meal, with a decadent dessert of the classic Cinnabon Delights Wedding Cake.
If you’re ready to sign the dotted line ASAP, slow your fucking roll. Not only is this disgusting wedding package not available until summer 2017, you’re also an idiot. Reevaluate your life decisions, and maybe consider getting married anywhere in the fucking world except Taco Bell. And then thank us later.
Trying to lose weight in the new year? Head to Taco Bell.
The home of deep-fried churros, Crunchwrap Supremes and Dorito-wrapped tacos has actually made some pretty big changes to its menu, like decreasing sodium and getting rid of artificial flavors, and nutritionists are starting to believe that Taco Bell might actually be a healthy fast food option. Yeah. Holy shit.
Taco Bell’s low-calorie Fresco menu provides some healthier, albeit less tasty, alternatives to the usual Taco Bell staples. With each item on the Fresco menu clocking in at under 350 calories, it often means the line chefs are leaving tasty condiments off of your burrito, like cheese, sour cream and guacamole. But resolutions are calling.
The chain plans to remove XL sodas from its menu, cut an additional 10 percent of sodium from menu items, and remove some of the antibiotics from its chicken in 2017. TBD if the new menu will actually be worth a shit.
Thanks, Taco Bell, for convincing future drunk me that it’s okay to binge eat 10 Crunchy Taco Supremes.