Well, it’s officially August which means we’re headed into the dog days of summer—a time when we cram as much day drinking and rooftop bar hopping as possible into the next 4 weeks. Once September hits, we become recluses that live our best lives on the couch and Instagram eat everything that comes in pumpkin. We’ll immediately put away the sandals and bring out our over-the-knee boots, and fold away our shorts in hopes that last year’s skinny jeans still fit even though we drank our weight in alcohol and didn’t go to a gym once this summer. The good part is that a season’s beginning = new trends aka more shopping, so you’ll handle change the only way you know how: retail therapy, obviously. Whether you’re prepping for weekly blackouts at frat parties or planning to be productive (for once) at work, shop these transitional accessories to take your mind from summertime sadness to Uggs, pumpkin spice, and everything BWG (basic white girl, DUH).
Expensive white gold hoops were summer’s thing this year (it was so sad) but now that summer is almost over, that shit is (thankfully) being put to a halt. Fall will be about big bold earrings that take up the entire side of your face so opt for a dainty long pair that takes away the attention from your double chin facial imperfections and can be worn down or dressed up to impress.
Burberry and scarves are two things a betch will never leave her house without next season. Since it’ll be too warm for cashmere, find a lightweight silk scarf to dress up your blazer with. This one features color block triangles with neutral tones and the bright pop of red we’ll be seeing 24/7 soon. If choking yourself wearing scarves isn’t your thing, use it as a headband because boho chic isn’t over yet, or tie it on your bag, I guess. A for effort!!!
Since colder temps hit the east coast like a fucking brick wall, you probs won’t be that try-hard who’s still wearing plunging bodysuits come September. Unless you’re trying to call into work sick already, that is. Chokers were fun and all but similar to how much basic bitches love “Closer”, it’s overplayed and I’m sick of seeing them. Swap out shorter styles for long pendant-like necklaces that will go perf with any fall dress or plain button up shirt.
You can still collect stackable rings and look super trendy by wearing multiples, but go for a style that’s both semi-elegant and edgy. I like this one because when I’m dealing with one of my bouts of homicidal urges, I can just look at the pointy edges and contemplate the many ways I could inflict bodily harm on my enemies using just the ring on my finger. Just me?
Fall is the best excuse for a new bag to hold all your shit and hide the flask you may need to get you through the day. This large neutral tote has enough room for your laptop, meaningless papers, and everything else you carry with you at all times, but without sideswiping everyone you walk by. It’ll go with any outfit and put you in the all-work-no-play mood you wish you could maintain for more than like, two consecutive minutes.
You won’t have to hide your v cute pedicure immediately with booties that easily transition your look from summer to autumn vibes. I’m honestly obsessed with these because they’re both block heel and open toe like my fave summer heels I ruined stumbling around every weekend. You can never have too many booties, IDC what anyone says. I need them in every color, so this pair is perfect for pairing with the T-shirt dress you’re not ready to give up or dark jeans come darker nights.
Moms over guys, or GTFO. Boyfriends (both the men and the jeans style) are cool and all, but since fashion sizing seems to go down the family tree, the current rage is all over the mom jean. It’s basically a combo of high-waisted skinny and loose boyfriend jeans, sounds gross, I know. No one wants to wear literal mom jeans because they’re like, fugly, non-fetch vintage material, and they don’t make your ass look good so honestly, what’s the point? Before we jump to conclusions, I will say that they are extremely comfortable, unlike all of my literal skin-tight jeans that I can barely breathe in (but, beauty is pain so, whatevs), and plus, you’ll now totally fit in at any bar in Williamsburg. If you’re on the fence about trying the new jean trend, here’s how to wear them and what styles to buy so you look chic AF like Rachel Green instead of looking like a lame mom.
ASOS PETITE Farleigh Slim Mom Jeans In Prince Light Wash
If you prefer your jeans tight, you’ll want to find a mom jean in a slim fit so it hugs your waist closely and tucks in any beer bloat. The light wash is perf for both every day and night wear for an effortless, street casual look. Your mom probs makes the joke that you pay too much for jeans you can rip yourself so a distressed style is a solid indicator that you’re
being judged by your parents doing something right. Pair with a crop top or tucked in blouse, and neutral pumps to really amp up your look.
Topshop Petite Bleach Denim Mom Jeans
If your mom says, “O-M-G I used to have a pair just like those!!,” it’s actually a compliment this time. Reason being that only the cool MILFs rocked DIY bleached Mom Jeans and still got some numbers while they were at it. This pair is all around loose, and tapers at the bottom for a skinny ankle fit. Roll them up and pair with non-basic sneakers (so no Adidas, k?), or a low chunky heel.
Calvin Klein Pink Mom Jeans
A colored and distressed mom jean takes a youthful twist on the 90s classic that was once deemed as unflattering. Well, welcome to 2017, where even the ugliest trend somehow looks socially acceptable on (almost) everyone if you have an ounce of style at all. Wear with a white off the shoulder top and nude wedges for the comfiest, yet trendiest, day drinking outfit.
BDG Mom Jean In Black
Obviously, you need (everything) a pair in black to go with the rest of the blackness in your closet. A dark shade looks best with an ankle strap heel, plunging bodysuit, and leather jacket for an Insta-worthy edgy look to the club. On your lazy days, wear rolled up cuffs with stylish mules and a loose T-shirt.
River Island Mom Jeans With Extreme Rips
Cool mom jeans look best ripped. IDC. If you disagree and you’re all like, “but, I don’t want ripped jeans,” because you think it’s classier for whatever reason helps you sleep at night, then you can happily go look like a mom elsewhere. A super distressed style with a relaxed fit is not only fashion-forward but says, “I’m def blacking out tonight,” without being v obvious about it. They’ll become your next overly worn jeans if you style with strappy stilettos and a
slutty flirty bralette.
READ: Cute Denim Shorts That Won’t Show Your Butt Cheeks
Makeup comes as second nature to a betch. We eat, sleep, and breathe it with our fave beauty vloggers and celebs. We put a new face on everyday using only the best of the best and yet, they say we’re not artistic. My face isn’t in the MoMA so, let’s be real. Who’s the one that really doesn’t know what great art is? Puh-lease. We spend forever and a day in Sephora (or on their website, same shit) looking for the next Urban Decay palette and figuring out which brush will make our contour look 10x better. A million brushes
and dollars spent later seems a little ridiculous—there’s no need to keep buying new brushes. Here’s food for thought, when was the last time you actually washed a single brush? I get it, like, we already have to wash our comforter, barely worn jeans, and now, our fucking makeup brushes, too. Life is so hard. Then, we wonder WTF we’re not doing right that we keep breaking out. I’m assuming weekly alcohol binges and cheat days don’t necessarily help but, neither does bacteria build up. Vom. Do yourself a favor and grab your brushes right now, because you def needed to clean them like, yesterday. You gon’ learn today, betch.
How Often You Have To Do This Shit?
The answer may surprise you (or not): pretty fucking often. Foundation, concealer, contour, blah, blah, blah, all those facial brushes need to be washed at least once a week. So, yeaaah, you’ve been fucking up big time for awhile now. It’s okay, though. It’s never too late to start treating your face with the respect it deserves. Doing this will get rid of oil, bacteria, and nasty shit you don’t want to blend on your face.
For brushes you use around your eyes, that’s a bit more flexible, so you can wash those about twice a month. All others should be fine if you wash them at least once a month. IDK, if this sounds like too much already, just do this shit while drinking alone, Netflix-binging, or something.
How To Wash
There are a few different methods you can use to wash your brushes. The cheapest and most convenient is using lukewarm water and unscented soap. Whoa, like, who would’ve guessed. You’ll want to gently massage the bristles and put a very small amount of soap in-between. Wash thoroughly, or until you stop seeing all that shit seeping out of them, because trust me, you’ll see it. After, gently press the bristles with a towel. Reshape and let them air dry while they hang over a sink or counter. This is probs best done on a Sunday night, just before heading into bed so you have fresh brushes to work with for the following week.
1. Sephora Collection, The Cleanse: Daily Brush Cleaner. If for whatever reason soap and water require too much effort (hi), luckily our heaven on earth, aka Sephora, has several cleaners to make you feel less like a peasant. This oil-free cleaning spray in particular can be sprayed on whatever brush you want to clean so you can reuse it as much as possible. Made with fruits and other healthy shit I don’t feel like listing, the spray will condition and protect the bristles from wear and tear. Since it dries super quick, you can do this before you start your makeup for a clean slate.
2. Sephoa Collection, Dry Clean Instant Dry Brush Cleaner Spray. I quote, “like a dry shampoo for your brushes,” this thing is basically a life-saver because we all know what dry shampoo does for our own hair. This spray doesn’t require water so, you honestly don’t have to get up off the couch to use this. Just apply directly and watch it dry instantly. Since it literally takes seconds, feel free to use it daily instead of weekly. Seriously, you don’t really have an excuse anymore for not washing your damn brushes.
3. Sephora Collection, Polish Up Silicone Brush Cleansing Pad. For synthetic brushes, you’ll want something that really scrubs in areas your hands can’t manage. Here’s where this cute AF pink glove-thing comes in the picture. It’s a cleansing pad that fits in the palm of your hand—probs as close to baseball as you’ll ever get—so while your brushes are wet with soap, scrub gently to get all the gross shit off. Just rinse off when you’re finished (fucking duh), reshape the bristles to its original stance, and let them air dry off of a flat surface.
If You’re Brush Stops Looking Like A Brush:
If at some point in the near future your makeup bristles no longer like a brush but instead like drunk Barbie’s hair here:
All the washing in the world won’t help. It’s probs a sign that you should throw that shit out ASAP and get a new brush. Except this time, try washing and taking care of it, you know? You hardly need to
exert energy get off the couch in order to save money, have your contour stay on #fleek, and look hotter than ever. I mean, what other incentive do you really need?
I never included lipstick into my makeup routine until I decided to become a basic bitch v trendy by giving in and slowly selling my soul to Kylie Cosmetics. I bought my first lip kit to give the youngest Kardashian with the most lip injections a chance in this lipstick biz and to feel a sense of belonging in my sorority. Once it received my approval, I started losing originality in every sense of the word and became one of those psychos who minimized tabs at work to constantly refresh Kylie’s website in secrecy so I could get one of her limited edition shades. I’m not proud to admit that I’ve spent more money on a product solely just for the name when I can literally buy the same shit at Sephora but, because I can’t stop, won’t stop, I’m still finding the perfect shades to add to my lipstick collection that don’t make me look a corpse or attention-seeking freak. I’ve done enough trial and error to find which colors look glam with my tan this summer, aka I’ve done the swatch work for you. Here are the best lipstick colors for your skin tone so you don’t look absolutely ridiculous in public this summer.
If You Have Fair Skin:
One of summer’s most overly worn colors in a bright shade looks super flattering for those with pale AF complexions. Whether it’s because you don’t have time to roast your skin or you simply turn straight into a lobster, a bright pink like NARS Lipstick in Schiap gives you a bold lip without looking v extra. The loud color enhances your facial features by creating a rosy, bright, natural glow so you look like the perfect combination of both slutty sexy and cute.
Orange is taking a bit of a risk when you use it on your lips, just like choosing yellow for your next mani. Will you be roasted in your group chat, or will your snobby friends ask for the name of the color? It could go either way. However, if you opt for a light, warm, orange cream like MAC Lipstick in Tangerine Dream (I’m the next Iggy Azalea, I know), the peachy hues will appear to soften out your skin. It’s the perfect replacement for your current nude with a pop of color, just in time for summer and with fall (dreadfully) nearing the corner.
Red is the most iconic versatile lipstick color for just about anyone but, if your skin is that of a vampire’s, you look fiercer than ever with a red lip. If you’re towards the ghostly white side, you’ll want to find a true red that warms up any “cool” skin tones. For those that have a hint of color, you’ll want to find a red with blue hues so it warms up your skin tone. When in doubt, Smashbox Be Legendary Lipstick in Made It is your go-to color for the awk in-between neutral tones.
If You Have A Medium Skin Tone:
If you can pull off a brown shade on your lips that doesn’t like you literally just ate shit, then you go, Glen Coco. Like, please, let me be you. A light tan such as this chic Bite Beauty Edgy Neutrals Amuse Bouche Lipstick in Enoki really accentuates facial features on golden skin tones, becoming an essential for a nude lip or “natural look” days. Apply just before heading out the door on the days you feel like doing the bare minimum – which is like, literally always – for creamy lips with an edgy flair.
I personally have super tan skin (I know, I would want to be me, too) so finding the perfect pink without looking like a doll is like, kind of hard for me. I don’t want a neon pink that’s all, “everybody look at me,” nor do I want a pink that washes my skin out. So of all the Kylie lip kits that have stolen my money heart, this one is def my fave. The Kylie Cosmetics Matte Liquid Lipstick in Khlo$ is my go-to for everyday wear because it’s honestly so light and since it has cool undertones, it makes them look fuller and well, like a pouty Kylie. Go figure. I wear this before blacking out with my BFF Jill, but I can also wear this to work without being dramatic.
Hypothermia lips, or purple lips, are one of the biggest lipstick trends currently. Probably because it’s a color that’s about as moody as you were in 2008, but, leans towards the pinker side just for a touch of femininity. A soft purple is the bright pink for medium skin tones. The Bobbi Brown Art Stick Liquid Lip in Plum Noir provides a long-lasting bold lip while reducing the appearance of wrinkles. Bless.
For Darker Skin Tones:
A deep, dark red such as Urban Decay Vice Lipstick in Spiderweb looks seriously so gorg on dark skin tones. The warm color delivers a natural-looking rosy glow that will make you stand out anywhere you go on a Saturday night. It’s a must-have color for anything, really, but especially ideal for long summer nights and drunk brunch.
As I’ve already mentioned like, a million times, finding a flattering brown for your skin tone can be v tricky. For those with darker skin tones, you’ll want one that’s rich in color with warm undertones. If it tends to go on the cooler side of the spectrum, it can give the appearance of gray, zombie lips which will just discolor your skin tone. A rich chocolate brown like Lorac Alter Ego Lipstick in Snow Bunny compliments darker skin tones and reduces skin discoloration so you can have the most fab nude lip. Wear with a darker lip liner for extra goth, teenage angst vibes since you’re sooo 90s.
Bright purple tones stand out amazing against darker skin tones. The pop of a color is guaranteed to make a statement and make heads turn everywhere you go. You’ll want to find a fuchsia with purple hues like the Yves Saint Laurent Rouge Pur Couture Kiss and Love Collection in Le Fuschia for a shade that’s perfect in the summer and brings all the boys to your yard. Get it, girrrl.
I’m a girl with no name if I’m not at least two shades darker than my original skin tone. Stepping off a Caribbean island is not only what I need pronto, but what I need to look like at all times. If my friends don’t greet me with, “ohmygod, you got sooo tan,” then honestly, what’s my purpose in life? Everyone knows being tan makes you an all around happier person. I’d say nicer, too, but then I’d be lying. I prefer to lay out on the beach instead of frying under cancer-causing rays in a machine that was used as a prop in a Final Destination movie. Um, yeah, no thanks. The sun works just fine.
However, laying out can be hella annoying when you want to get some color without tan lines. This isn’t Europe, there aren’t any nude beaches (not that I’d go, tbh), and I’m not about to flash the creepy guy next door. Thanks to retro bathing suit trends, I now have random geometric shapes printed all over my body and it’s not okay. Like, how awk is it if you have a D appointment and your hard-earned tan body just looks diseased?! Since we won’t boycott our fave swimsuit brands and nothing good ever comes easy, here’s how to cover up your tan lines because they are not sexy.
This is not, and I repeat, not the same as the self-tanner you probs use at home. If you ignore this or try to argue, you’ll look like an idiot so just know I’m usually always right. Using the Sephora Perfection Mist Airbrush Foundation is absolutely a lifesaver for evening out awk tan lines. For less than $30, which is saying a lot for something that saves your sex life, you’ll have to find a shade closest to your new tan skin. While holding the can a decent distance away, spray directly onto the targeted areas. With a brush, beauty blender, or even your finger IDGAF, blend the shade into your tan lines for an oil-free seamless tan.
You’ll need to get your card ready and buy a new liquid, waterproof concealer like Clinique Beyond Perfecting Super Concealer that works best based on your fresh tan shade. You didn’t really need an excuse to buy from Sephora anyway, though. This concealer keeps your look down pat for a full 24 hours and stays sweat- and humidity-proof. Fucking gamechanger, I know. By using your fingers, fill in any uneven areas and blend onto your tanned skin to make sure the stripes on your waist are long gone. Trust me, it can’t even pass as a temporary henna tat. Use your everyday foundation to blend with for a flawless finish.
Customized Matte Bronzer
I mean, since it’s already July, chances are you were going to probably buy a new bronzer based on your new glow already. For covering up missed areas, whether that be on your chest or stomach, the Stila Stay All Day Bronzer For Face and Body does wonders. The fade-proof bronzing powder should be applied on areas your strappy bathing suit kept hidden from sunlight. By using a matte instead of shimmer bronzer, you’re going for a natural, smooth look so it doesn’t look like you showered half of your body in glitter. With the appropriate brush, blend all over the area for complete coverage. If your skin tone has pink or lighter tones, be sure to sample and find the right bronzer with rose gold or pearlescent hues. Just do what Kylie did and make swatches on someone else’s arm for you.
It’s a given that there’s a huge difference in your alcohol tolerance and the severity of your hangover since you first started stealing from your parent’s liquor stash. As a teen, your liver was a champ, making you feel invincible the next morning. Fast forward to being 20-something, and you’re probs black out after like, one shot. The idea of opening your eyes the next day seems unthinkable unless you have an IV of water injected into your bloodstream. I wish this was an exaggeration but, I know this is def the story of your life because like, same. That fourth shot of Fireball always sounds like a phenom’ idea until you’re hating yourself after waking up next to cold pizza in last night’s outfit and forgetting every Snapchat you sent to your Tinder guy. What’s worse is rebelliously drinking on a weekday because karma is a bitch the next day, you still have to go to fucking work. Although you don’t have the capability and energy to do a full face of makeup when you’re hungover AF, there’s no way you’re leaving the house with it. Here’s how to look like a rockstar just by doing the bare minimum so you can
be appear like a functioning member of society.
Water, Advil, And Primer (In That Order)
In order to even get out of bed, you’re going to need to chug a shit ton of water because your brain needs it more than you rn. Pop a couple of Advils and let’s just focus on getting through the day without voming on everyone who crosses your path. Now that you’re standing in front of the mirror and trying not to make eye contact with your own reflection, you’re going to need to start with the Too Faced Hangover Replenishing Face Primer. Since Too Faced just gets us, this primer is literally made to repair our face from alcohol’s damage. Infused with coconut water, the primer will restore your skin’s shine and hydration so you don’t feel and look like paper mâché.
Use Under-Eye Concealer
You’re ready to begin looking like the upstanding citizen you are. It’s like we just know you or something because luckily, we’ve already compiled the best under-eye concealers that cost less than the organic salad you eat for lunch everyday. Pick your choice and use generously so you don’t look like you’ve aged 20 years overnight. Seriously, use it or you’ll probs look like this:
Rub A BB Cream All Over
We want to skip any powder-based makeup because you don’t want your skin to dry out more than it already has. The Diorskin Nude BB Creme is just what you need for minimal coverage that hydrates and covers any blemishes you got overnight since you def passed out with your makeup on (again). Find the shade that’s right for your skin tone, because discoloration is not cute, and apply to areas that need the most TLC. Blend with a liquid foundation brush instead of your finger to ensure your bullshit of a makeup job doesn’t look worse than what we started with.
Get A Contour Stick
To keep it quick and easy, lightly contour using the v convenient Wander Beauty On-The-Glow Bronzer and Illuminator. The nausea isn’t going to disappear right away but you can at least fix how pale you look. Assuming you know how to contour only because I don’t feel like explaining tbh, use the matte bronzer that’s best for your skin tone in the hollow of your cheekbones, on your forehead, and sides of your nose. This will restore some of your natural glow. Finish with the attached highlighter on the areas that always seem to get oily first—the center of your forehead, bridge of your nose, chin, and upper cheeks. Blend seamlessly using a beautyblender. Common sense, right? By this point, you should start looking like a person again.
Swipe Some Eyeshadow And Layer Up On Mascara
Hide last night’s smokey eye with just a tad of eyeshadow. Find a color that’s neutral or nude so that it comes off as natural-looking instead of clownlike. You’ll want to line your inner eye with the same color so you look ten times more awake than you really feel. Then layer on the best mascara ever, bareMinerals Flawless Definition Mascara, for long volumized lashes. Without mascara, none of this is really worth it, so apply as many coats as you need to feel functional.
Lastly, all you need is some chapstick and your fave nude lip gloss before heading out the door. Don’t forget to wear sunglasses all day, even inside is somewhat acceptable for obvious reasons, and everyone will know not to speak to you. This was fun, though so, while you telling yourself that you’re never drinking again, until next time this weekend, betch.
READ: The Best Workouts To Do If You’re Hungover
It’s not an average day for me unless I wake up to some sort of self-inflicted sabotage that’s ruining my life and my room décor. Usually it’s from makeup stains on my pillows, bedding, or the only shirt I’ve ever paid more than $30 for after a happy hour gone
wrong very right or a night spent avoiding human interaction re-watching Riverdale and getting so distracted by the onslaught of red heads on my screen that I forget to take my face makeup off. Either way the next morning I always have to take a good, hard look at my life choices destructive personality, ignore that moment of self-reflection, and figure out how the fuck to get rid of all these makeup stains. I’m assuming that you too are a garbage human so here’s how to get rid of every makeup stain that ruins your shit. You’re welcome.
My aesthetic for my room is all white everything because apparently I enjoy torturing myself. As someone who is dead inside, I also only wear vampy lip colors, which is a problem because I’m constantly fucking up my white sheets when I’m blackout. Lol it’s so fun to watch myself unravel in the mornings. ANYWAY, if you’ve got a lipstick stain I’m here to save you from wanting to jump out the second story window of your shitty apartment every time you wake up to purple lip stains and cuddling a half eaten bag of chips. First, spritz the stain with hairspray and let it sit for 10ish minutes. I know, it sounds a little batshit, but it works. Next, dab the spot with a sponge and throw it into the wash. If your sheets/shirt/pillow case need to be dry-cleaned then first of all, slow clap because you’ve made it in life, but also you should use tape of some sort to remove the stain. Try that or prayer.
Tbh I don’t wear a ton of foundation but when I do it 100 percent ends up on every surface in my apartment. Even places that don’t make sense like my bedroom wall or the faux-fur rug I thought would make my apartment look less like I live on a peasant’s salary and more like I live a Carrie Bradshaw lifestyle (Writer’s Note: It did not). The first thing you should do when dealing with foundation stains is to not freak out and call your mother because she will most likely not focus on the issue at hand and instead ask you some v personal questions like why you were too drunk to remove your face makeup on a Wednesday in the first place. As if that’s the real issue here. Next, treat foundation
fuck ups spills with a clarifying product like shaving cream or shampoo because both of these toiletries have cleaning agents that need to break through the stain before you throw it in the wash. Unless it’s your bedroom wall, then I would just recommend playing dumb with your landlord.
If you wear glitter so much in your life that you need this tutorial then first of all I’d just like to say, BLESS. Here’s to hoping all that molly hasn’t rotted your brain yet. But if you’re going to dress like an adult toddler, I guess I can give you some advice for how not to sabotage your living space with the glitter bomb that is your personal style and taste. If the glitter is a part of your outfit (i.e. a dress, skirt, or any other drug-induced music festival type attire) you should spray down the whole outfit with hair spray immediately. It will dull the shine of your outfit but it will also save your apartment floors from looking like a rental space for Forever21. If the glitter is incorporated in your makeup somehow—again, BLESS—use masking tape or a lint roller to remove the sparkles from your sheets, clothing, pillow cases, etc.
‘Tis the season to pretend like you enjoy leaving your couch by dousing yourself in enough self-tanner to not be shunned by your friend group. And because of this, everything I own is slowly turning orange through my best efforts to please my
Instagram followers friends. Ugh. So buckle up because removing this shit ain’t gonna be fun. First rinse the affected area under cold water. Then wet a sponge with any type of dish detergent to work the spot from the outside in. This will (hopefully) cut the oil in the tanning oil enough for the stain to come out. Other things that might work on the stain are hydrogen peroxide (but make sure to spot-check first in case the fabric’s color won’t lift and you screw yourself even more) or glycerin but only use that like the Bumble Bro you drunk Snapchat—when you’re desperate.
Waterproof Makeup Stains
Waterproof makeup stains are literal sabotage and also the reason I drink. Well, not so much the reason as the aftermath, but that’s neither here nor there. For long-lasting makeup formulations, you should blot the stain with makeup remover and pray to Jesus and the lady who writes your monthly horoscope that this shit comes out. Make sure that the formula you’re using is oil-free, though, or else you’re in for an even bigger shit show.
Deodorant stains have been ruining my life since 2002 and are also the reason my boss doesn’t like to make eye contact with me at the 9am staff meeting. This how-to is going to be especially relevant to those whose wardrobe consists of all black at all times (Hi). If you find yourself with white lines all over your body and you can’t pass it off as “Dylan’s Candy mess” or table décor (you’re fooling no one, Kimberly) then your saving grace is going to be a pair of tights or a dryer sheet. Rub the fabric against the deodorant mark and it’ll almost immediately come out off of the clothing. Blessings.
Despite the sweltering heat, summer is def the best season because it’s the one time a year a girl can dress up like a total slut and no other girls can say anything else about it. Is it really summer if you don’t see a group of basic betches like myself at like, some music festival on Randall’s Island in short-ass shorts with their ass cheeks hanging out? Um, fucking no. Not only does summer coincide with every girl looking like clones of Vanessa Hudgens at Coachella, but add in a progressive feminist movement à la #FreeTheNipple and the concept of not wearing a bra is basically as forced upon us as an irrational unicorn obsession.
If freeing the nip is all the rage, then you may as well join ‘em because I know the first thing you do when you get home (after drinking wine out of the bottle), is toss your bra onto the nearest surface. With summer fashion requiring so much boobage, the last thing you need is horrible boob sweat. Like, no fucking thank you. But even if you skip the bra, you don’t have to flash the whole city and feel as though you’re lactating with the replacement that is a versatile bralette. Here are 5 comfortable, sexy styles to wear this summer because slutty is in fashion rn no one likes wearing bras and boob sweat is fucking gross.
1. Hanky Panky Signature Lace Padded Bralette
Black lace bralettes are literally a must-have, regardless of the time of year. It’s black (fucking duh) so it not only fits in with the rest of your entire wardrobe, but if you’re into the mesh/see-through everything trend, this is perfect to use for (minimal) coverage. Since it’s wireless and v comfortable, you can layer this under an oversized crop top if you know you’ll be showing some major side boob.
2. Only Hearts Eco Lace Bralette
This neutral style fits like your fave bandeau—except without the whole falling down, having-to-pull-it-up-every-five-seconds thing. Wear this under a trendy T-shirt dress for a casual daytime look. To really look like you know WTF you’re doing, pair with dark jeans under a longline jacket in hopes your street style game is half as good as Kendall Jenner’s.
3. Pour Moi Amour Convertible Bralette C-G Cup
If you’re like me and feel as though you could have a nip slip at any moment with a tiny piece of fabric, this one is designed to keep your boobs in check regardless of their size. With size options that go all the way up to G, you can layer this bralette with or without straps and still slay the dance floor—or so tequila makes you believe.
4. Les Coquines Bette Bralette
With a style as lightweight as this, you’ll have a refreshing breeze every time you wear it so you can at least feel assured that you won’t get a sweat stain in the middle of your chest. Wear this bralette under a plunging bodysuit or jumper for an equal balance of pretty and hoe (which incidentally is my Tinder bio).
5. Ann Summers Wynne Bralette
This probably looks like that high-neck bralette you got at Victoria’s Secret and that’s because it basically is but like, this one is so much better. Unlike some rough shit that scratches you every time you fucking move, this sheer lace feels comfortable and secure enough to lounge all day in. Wear alone as a shirt with denim cut-offs or wear under a denim jacket to your next music fest.