Welcome back, friends, to another night of Fantasy Suites! You know, perfect if your fantasy includes being held hostage for two nights and four hours by Mike Fleiss and his band of cretins. Night one of the hostage situation featured overnights with Aven, Tino, Johnny, and Erich. There were highs (shirtless Aven), there were lows (clothed Aven), and there was Johnny showing that his vocabulary for intimacy is as expansive as a TikTok comments section.
Tonight we pick up where things left off, with Erich crying in a corner. God, do I love to see a grown man cry. It’s better than retinol for my beauty routine. Erich made the huge mistake of being too needy during Fantasy Suites. Don’t worry, Erich, we’ve all been there. If I had a dime for every time someone showed me a sliver of intimacy, only to reveal themselves later as a person whose emotional capacity doesn’t extend beyond their three most used emojis, then I wouldn’t be posting pictures of my feet to the internet.
Watching this, it’s clear that Erich was producer-manipulated into rehashing their private conversation in front of cameras. Apparently, they’d already discussed Erich’s feelings of jealousy and insecurity off-camera. Gabby can’t tell if his bringing this up now is the calculated move of a man who wants to generate a fanbase back home, or if it’s because he’s genuinely that stupid. Come on, Gabs. His beauty decisions make it seem like he lost a bet with a fraternity. What do you think?
To be honest, Gabby’s reaction is a little wild. Should he have brought it up like that in front of cameras? Probably not. But he does immediately apologize once he sees how hurt Gabby is by the conversation. He admits that his behavior is unfair to her, that it wasn’t his intention to upset her, he just loves her. He’s not screaming or yelling or calling her a slut. He’s pretty calmly voicing his feelings. And also… the man’s dad is dying! That’s a pretty solid excuse for acting like a lunatic in Mexico.
Gabby still isn’t happy. She heard that Rachel is leaving bodily fluids all over the Riviera Maya and god dammit, she deserves to desecrate Mexican tourist attractions, too! She doesn’t end things with Erich on the spot, but their parting words are strained. This doesn’t bode well for their future.
Fantasy Suite #5: Jason & Gabby
Speaking of foreboding energy, last night we got flashes of Jason, our resident Quiet Guy, speaking more words than he has all season. For most of this season, Jason has been as elusive and mysterious as Rachel’s style choices. Gabby, to her credit, has been patient with him. “He’s just private!”, she says after a date where she had to waterboard him into speaking to her. But is it that he’s private, or he’s just not that into you? I’ve always suspected the latter.
But boy is Jason talking now. Not to Gabby. No, why would he do that? He’s talking to Jesse Palmer, and he’s telling him he’s not ready for an engagement. Not only is he not ready for an engagement, the thing this show requires them to do, but he isn’t even really sure he likes Gabby all that much. Yes, you read that right. We’re at Fantasy Suites, one week away from proposals, and the man is acting like he might leave the Bachelorette on read.
As their date unfolds, I’m finding it painful to watch. In front of Gabby, Jason appears to be all in for this relationship, but in the confessionals, he tells us the opposite. Meanwhile, Gabby is gushing about how this is 100% her guy and she always knew it was him. This feels needlessly cruel. Serial killers have been more upfront with their victims than Jason is being with Gabby!!
Case in point: moments before a clammy-handed producer slips them the Fantasy Suite date card, he finally reveals his true feelings. Never mind that he spent the last 12 hours trying to hide a boner at every hotel recreation facility. Not only does he wait to tell her, but it’s the way he tells her that feels particularly callous.
First, he says that he’s not fully “there yet” and can’t see himself getting engaged in a week.
Then he tells her that he doesn’t even really know her all that well.
THEN he tells her that he isn’t even sure he wants to date her after this. He would be open to exchanging numbers and drunk dialing each other after happy hours, but only if his private parts are tingling.
WHO. DOES. HE. THINK. HE. IS!!!
Despite this, Gabby still tries to win him back. She practically broke up with Erich for him. He’s all she has left.
GABBY: I guess it’s up to you to decide if you’re willing to buy into the hopeless romanticism.
JASON: Yeah, I’m more of a realist.
A realist, Jason, really? You’re from NEW ORLEANS!! You grew up in fucking Neverland. Your childhood friends are Tinker Bell and the lost boys! Please.
I will say, Jason is a smooth talker. I paraphrased the above conversation as if Jason was being super clear with his meaning—he wasn’t. He’s practically speaking in tongues—fuckboy tongues. He keeps saying things like, “I’m in this for you! I’m here for you!” Yes, but what about once you aren’t “here” anymore? What happens when ABC cuts your bonds loose and allows you to flee from their captivity? Will you still want to be with Gabby then?
JASON: I still want to go to the Fantasy Suite. I think we need that intimate private time with each other.
ALSO JASON:
Subtle, Jason. Real subtle.
It’s at this point in the episode that ABC starts editing Gabby’s love story as if they’re making the next Saw production. They change the music from uplifting and romantic to the Jaws soundtrack. The camera pans to a dead bug floating in a champagne glass. I wait with bated breath for the locusts to start descending.
Instead, we see Gabby alone and clearly not in the Fantasy Suite. She says that once the cameras stopped rolling, they couldn’t come to an agreement about their future. Apparently Gabby said something to the effect of “this just isn’t meant to be,” and Jason responded with “yeah, definitely.” YEAH, DEFINITELY. Does he want to be drawn and quartered in the town square?! Should we have Aven’s mom place a curse on his lineage for generations to come?? Because he’s certainly asking for it at this point.
Gabby sends Jason home, which means she’s now been dumped by two of her guys in the final stretch. Brutal. The last time I saw this much carnage on my television screen, Shark Week was on the air.
Fantasy Suite #6: Zach & Rachel
Rachel’s final Fantasy Suite date is up next. I want to know how things are suddenly working out so well for this coastal grandma? Those hemlines should never inspire that much amorous desire, but I’m happy for her.
She meets up with Zach, who has finally been released from the Mattel factory ABC’s been storing him in. They were worried he might melt in this climate, but don’t worry! He’s here now, and he’s outfitted with all the Barbie vacation accessories! Just look at all of that breathable khaki.
Their date is essentially a tourist’s wet dream. They’re practically two giant fanny packs gallivanting around Mexico. They taste authentic Mexican tequila (818), visit the Señor Frog’s of psychics to learn their futures, introduce the local mariachi band to this thing called the cha-cha slide, and then show up to dinner dressed like they’re about to take a family beach photo. Jesus Christ. These two deserve each other.
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But the next morning, things are amiss. The mood is tense. Rachel is wearing her sensible pajamas, the kind you wear around your nana at Christmas, and Zach won’t stop word vomiting about his “cup of Joe.” It definitely feels like we missed something off-camera.
They vaguely mention “a talk,” and Rachel tells him to stop worrying so much. She leaves, and Zach tells the cameras that he never expected what happened last night to happen. BUT WHAT HAPPENED. Did she scream “arriba!” when she came? Did you scream “arriba!” when you came? Seriously, what is it!!
Turns out, it’s none of those things. Zach says that she kept asking him about his religion and his political beliefs, and that they were unsettled by each other’s responses. Hmmm. Then, Rachel declares he’s too young for marriage. He is *checks notes* one year younger than her.
RACHEL DURING THEIR FANTASY SUITE:
I think Rachel is soft-launching their breakup and he isn’t catching on. She clearly has stronger feelings for Tino and Aven and doesn’t know how to quietly quit this relationship. Buddy, your days are numbered.
So Who Goes Home?
Rachel’s got a big decision to make. She’s got three great guys here and has to narrow it down to two. Who will she choose? Will she go with Tino, the man whose family hopes an asteroid takes her out before she can enter into any sort of binding relationship with their son? Will it be Aven, whose abs speak for themselves? Or Zach, the man who comes with some assembly required?
While Rachel ponders her decision, Gabby is back in her hotel room journaling. Oh boy. Nothing good happens when a millennial woman journals. The seismic energy of our daily reflections is what creates the tide changes.
It seems Gabby is willing to give Erich another chance. After taking some time to reflect, she knows he’s the only guy for her. (Emphasis on the only).
GABBY: Erich is the only man here. That’s it. That’s the end of the sentence.
Well, when you put it that way…
Look, I know it seems like Gabby’s getting backed into a corner here, but I actually think the two of them are good together. They have visceral chemistry and have trusted each other with intimate family issues. Hot sex, emotional trauma… what else could she possibly be looking for in a man??
Gabby goes to Erich’s room to apologize for the weirdness between the two of them. She’s been looking for the right moment to tell him something and here it is: she loves him! She’s done looking, he’s it for her! Literally, there is no one else! Seriously. Please don’t leave her.
And this, friends, is where things get really weird. Instead of the cameras panning back to Rachel and her rose ceremony, they shift to Jesse Palmer, alone in what looks to be a nuclear waste facility. It could be a deconstructed studio deep in the bowels of ABC headquarters, or it could be the birthplace of the Power Puff Girls. We just don’t know.
He says that they won’t be airing footage from the rose ceremony tonight. At this point, why should any of man on this franchise start finishing? Instead he tells us to “take some time.” “Get yourselves ready,” he says, face somber, and “prepare yourselves for the most shocking finale of all time.”
Is he… threatening us? What’s going to happen next week, Jesse? Unless the producers are going to human sacrifice Jason to a crowd of half-feral rose lovers, then QUIT WASTING OUR TIME. We already saw the schedule! We know the finale is a two-parter. I do not need to get myself ready to watch half a Bachelorette finale while I scroll through my phone. Don’t lie to me!
But, alas, ABC doesn’t care about my time or emotional well-being. Like Gabby and Rachel this week, we’ll have to wait a little longer to experience climax. Until then!
Images: Giphy (6); @thebacheloretteabc /Instagram (1)
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Welcome back to this crazy roller coaster ride we call The Bachelor! You know, if roller coasters ended with someone being legally shackled to the toothless man who runs pilots it. (See what I did there?) All I have to say is, strap in kids, because sh*t is about to get wild this week with the Fantasy Suite dates. If you’ll recall, last Monday, Peter went to Kelsey, Hannah Ann, Madison, and Victoria’s hometowns. My favorite part was when he got to swear up and down to their families that he would cherish their daughters and never ever hurt them in any way, only to break that promise at the very next rose ceremony when he dumped one of them because they didn’t seem as bangable. You love to see it.
Which brings us to this week: Peter is living the high life. He now has three beautiful women ready and willing to get engaged for the Instagram likes: Victoria, Hannah Ann, and Madison. After cheers-ing to future windmill fun, Madi asks if she can steal him for a sec. Uh-oh, is she finally going to come clean and tell Peter that the furthest she’s ever gone is with the tampon her friend Gina peer pressured her into wearing in the 11th grade? In hindsight, that Mother Teresa neckline of a jumpsuit should have been a clear indicator to Peter has to how this conversation was about to go.
PETER: You’re scaring me, what’s going on?
MADI: Oh my gosh no!! Don’t be scared!! I just don’t want you to sleep with anyone else or we’re through, okay!!
PETER:
Woooooow. So she’s not even going to tell Peter that she’s saving herself for marriage?? She says that sex is a big deal to her and huge part of her faith and that she’d be upset if he was intimate with others. What she doesn’t say is that she’s a virgin and if he sleeps with other women then she’s out. These are all things she says to the cameras in her interview afterward, but she really should have told Peter face-to-face. If she’s expecting him to be able to read between the lines, then she’s about to be SORELY mistaken.
Peter’s like “so how far am I allowed to go exactly? Just the tip or…?” It’s good to know your boundaries, Pete!
You can tell Peter left that conversation with absolutely no clarity. He walks Madi back to the other women, takes one large sigh, and looks longingly at Victoria F, like he knows he might never be able to find out what brand of crazy that girl is in the bedroom. He’s like “It’s tough because …. I was planning to bang all of them!” We know Peter. We know.
We learn that for the Fantasy Suite portion of the season Peter and his co-pilots are headed to beautiful, sunny Gold Coast, Australia! I’m half convinced production only chose this locale so they could pan the camera back and forth between a koala the most sexual creature on the planet and Peter. Subtle. On the plus side, if they’re in Australia at least ABC won’t be tempted to create a date scenario that forces Peter to wear another culture’s identity like an uncomfortable second skin.
PETER: G’day sheilas!!!
Christ. I should have known.
Peter, a man wearing head-to-toe khaki, tells us that he’s very worried about juggling three women in the bedroom, and I love that he’s just totally going to ignore Madison’s ultimatum and see what happens. This is a strategy best used when your boss tells you that no, National Frozen Foods Day is not a holiday with paid time off, and, no, you absolutely cannot have it off to eat a Costco-sized frozen pizza after giving only one day’s notice, but you do it anyway to “see what happens.” Doesn’t feel like a great strategy to play with someone who believes in things like the rapture but, sure, by all means, let’s see how this one plays out, Peter.
Okay, production is a messy bitch for making them all room together during Fantasy Suite week, a first in Bachelor history. So what? They just get to walk of shame home to the communal hotel suite? And then make small talk about how great Australia is as if they all haven’t seen Peter’s penis?
THE GIRLS TO EACH OTHER AFTER ANY OF THEIR OVERNIGHT DATES:
Hannah Ann’s Date
Peter looks f*cking miserable as he greets all the ladies in their communal suite. Seventh years at Hogwarts get more privacy in their living situations for god’s sake! How is he supposed to test each relationship’s flexibility in bed intimacy if they’re all going to gossip to each other about it afterward?
Hannah Ann is up first for the fantasy suite dates, and this feels like the right placement. Victoria F would have been too much of a wild card, and Madison would’ve had to FaceTime Chad and her youth pastor during dinner to see if drinking pink moscato counts as experimenting with hard liquor. No, it’s best to start off on a high note.
I love how Peter’s like “let’s only talk in an Australian accent today” and Hannah Ann uses that as an invitation to treat the date like an audition for future commercial work. I hope her agent is filming this monologue from the bushes!
Hannah Ann asks Peter if he’s ready, but ready for what exactly? I’m sure she meant that suggestively, but I have a feeling the kinkiest this girl gets is a BJ during daylight hours. Offering to blow someone doesn’t make you a master at seduction, Hannah Ann!
Hannah Ann tells Peter that whatever happens this week, she’s here for him, and you can tell he’s just relieved to not have to deal with another sex ultimatum. Speaking of the virgin, back at the hotel, Madison tells Victoria about how she’s uncomfortable with Peter sleeping with the other women. If she’s looking for support, she’s barking up the wrong tree. The only thing Victoria has ever abstained from was using condoms.
VICTORIA: You need to test drive the car before you purchase you know?
ALSO VICTORIA:
Meanwhile, Hannah Ann says that tonight is a big night for her and Peter’s relationship and that’s why she showed up dressed in my grandmother’s curtains. Revolve’s brand partnership person must be SHAKING. They sent her an entire free wardrobe and on the sex date she chooses the one garment they designed for the fun aunts of the world??
HANNAH ANN: When I let someone in, I let them ALL in.
Okay, I know I was joking before, but she really is talking about a blowjob there.
Alright, Hannah Ann is pushing a liiiiittle too hard for Peter to f*ck other girls. She’s like “I don’t care if you explore other options here, by all means PLEASE explore your options. Seriously. Please. Please don’t pick me.” Chill, girl. You’re showing your hand.
Oh Jesus Christ, please tell me that’s not another note from one of their diaries. I can’t take one more love letter where they compliment each other’s giggles. Okay, PHEW, it’s just the fantasy suite date card. Hannah Ann accepts Peter’s invitation to spend the night, but very reluctantly. Seriously, she seems way more into that hot tub than wanting to see the bedroom.
Okay, ENOUGH Hannah Ann! The producers told you to act like you’re into Peter, not re-create the goddamn Titanic. Please.
I’m just not sure Hannah Ann and Peter did the deed. Like, if I were to rate their night on a movie scale, I’d give it a PG-13 rating: lots of heavy panting and maybe Peter got to see some side boob. BUT THAT’S IT.
The next morning, Hannah Ann heads back to her shared room with the other ladies and it is awkwardddddd. I love that to combat the weirdness of all of them sleeping with the same man they just profusely compliment each other. “You look so tan and skinny lovey! Omg you’re glowing, cutie! I’m obsessed with that dress, girlie!” Stop it. Just ask her how hairless the rest of Peter’s body is and be done with it!
Victoria’s Date
I can’t wait to see how Victoria’s date compares to the one Peter just had with Hannah Ann. Hannah Ann looks like the type to cry softly during penetration, while Victoria looks like the type to incorporate knives into foreplay. Good luck, Pachi!
Peter keeps saying that Victoria “fights” for their love, and he must mean that literally, because that’s all they actually do. Peter, I know you think this is going to translate into hot sex, but I worry that Victoria’s idea of adding “kink” to the bedroom involves choking you until you pass out and then stealing your identity and all of your credit cards. I’m just saying!
They spend the day taking scenic helicopter rides and hiking near waterfalls, and this is how I know she’s truly a psycho—because she dressed for a hike in booty shorts. It’s clear this woman has never had a thigh rub together in her entire life. Talk to me when you have real problems, Victoria.
VICTORIA: Once I’m invested in someone it’s game over. Literally. I ruin their marriages and set fire to their happiness. Lol I’m so random!
ME:
Back at the harem, Madi tells Hannah Ann about her ultimatum and once again, I don’t think she’s explaining this right. She’s like “I could never forgive him if he slept with someone else” as Hannah Ann tries to disintegrate into the couch cushions.
HANNAH ANN: So, if I tell her I slept with Peter she might leave and I’ll have a better chance of ending up with him?
ALSO HANNAH ANN: *stays completely silent*
I see right through you, girlfriend!
Hannah Ann during that whole conversation with Madison #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/kDxP2c8xL8
— Another Bachelor Account (@BachelorTweets4) February 25, 2020
I can’t believe Peter and Victoria are not going to acknowledge the ruined marriages elephant in the room. They keep dancing around the topic but he hasn’t out-right confronted her about the homewrecking rumors, and I hate that. I get that for legal reasons they probably can’t get into the whole scandal, and I’m sure those wronged women don’t want to be further humiliated on national television, but all of this vagueness is pissing me off.
Peter keeps saying he believes Victoria’s side of things and it’s like, what else do you believe Peter? That there’s a pot of gold at the end of every rainbow?? Honestly, the only thing more toxic than this relationship is the water in my Keurig tank. Open your eyes, man!
Victoria says that in her past relationships she didn’t feel “good enough” and I would imagine it’s hard not to feel that way when your boyfriend goes back to his wife. Apparently, this is all Peter needs to hear to forgive Victoria for acting like a sociopath in Virginia Beach. They head to their fantasy suite and I’m half expecting him to take her to the exact room he slept with Hannah Ann in. I mean, they’re all sharing a girls’ suite, so why not a boom-boom room too?
Cut to the next morning, and Peter is looking at Victoria like she is the first girl to ever teach him about him about the male g-spot. Honestly, she looks like the type who’d be into male anal play. It’s that twinkle in her eye.
Madison’s Date
Moving on! Last up, we have Madison, and I love the strategic placement of this date. Peter went from being lightly choked the night before to whatever wholesome adventure Madi has in store from him today.
Um, MADISON. Does The Lord approve of this crop top? Peter’s hands are dangerously close to that millimeter of skin you’re showing. What would Chad say?!
I love how every other fantasy date has involved activities that require bikinis and short shorts, and meanwhile Madison is wearing a suit that covers every inch of visible skin. Subtle, ABC.
Okay, WHAT. She’ll hike up this creaky ladder thousands of feet in the air but she won’t put out?? Clearly, her priorities are mixed up. Production must be hoping an adrenaline rush will jumpstart her libido or something. Nice try, ABC!
Fast-forward to the dinner portion of the evening, and Madison finally tells Peter that she’s saving herself for marriage. Peter visibly gulps when he hears the news. You can tell he was wishing she was just super jealous or something and insecure about him sleeping with other women.
She says that she wouldn’t feel comfortable getting engaged to a man who has slept around with other women. Her speech comes off very well-spoken and logical. While I’m sure it’s gotten her a lot of fans on social media, this whole thing feels very manipulative to me. Look, I’m not saying you can’t be a virgin until marriage or that there’s anything wrong with having these morals and standards for your significant other, but then don’t go on this show. It’s not fair to Peter or the process. And certainly don’t wait to spill all of this information until Peter has no one left but a Sonic waitress and the most hated woman in Virginia Beach. No one wants their boyfriend sleeping with other women a week before they get engaged, BUT THAT IS THIS SHOW. Welcome to Mike Fleiss’ hellscape! This is what you signed up for!
Moreover, she didn’t clearly explain ANY of this to Peter during that last rose ceremony. You can’t say something isn’t an ultimatum and then take it back when you don’t get your way. I think if he knew the virgin thing he wouldn’t have been “intimate” with the others, but he didn’t have the context for her demands.
Holy sh*t. Madison walks out of dinner and Peter starts openly weeping. You can tell he’s wishing he never let Victoria F stick that finger up his butt last night. He goes out to go comfort a crying Madi and there is far too much forehead touching for my comfort levels.
Was it worth it, Peter? Was it?!
Madi’s like “I can’t change who I am! I can’t change that I have a hymen!” And she’s right. She can’t change that she’s a virgin or that she has these standards in place for herself. But there’s no place for that on this den of sin otherwise known as The Bachelor, OKAY.
Things end on a rocky note, with Madison leaving a tearful Peter to contemplate his life decisions. You can tell he’s wondering if missionary in the dark with Hannah Ann or climaxing at gunpoint with Victoria F was really worth sacrificing the one relationship he actually cared about. We’ll have to wait until next week to see how that cookie crumbles. Until then, kids!
Images: Giphy (4); ABC (2); @bachelorabc /Instagram (1); @bachelortweets4 /Twitter (1);
Welcome back to your regularly scheduled Bachelor recap, people! ABC has been teasing all goddamn season that our favorite virgin who can’t drive would be jumping a fence at some point AND TONIGHT IS THAT NIGHT. Hold on to your rose, betches, because it’s finally happening! It’s been a dramatic few weeks for The Bachelor, what with Hometowns being last week and Colton’s virginity up for debate over a questionable Snapchat. For the record, I do think Colton’s a virgin (or at least v inexperienced), because only a virgin and 14-year-old boys trying to sound cool in a group chat would use the term “big tittied hoe.” Moving on. I’ve decided to make things interesting this week and drink every time I would jump a fence during one of these dates. Considering the three remaining women have the combined maturity of a baby’s rattle, I think we should start my funeral preparations now. Let’s get started!
This week starts off back at the last rose ceremony, with Colton asking Chris Harrison where he’s supposed to put it in. Jesus.
^^A deleted scene from this week’s episode!
Meanwhile, Colton just completely abandons the women in the other room. They’re like “I wonder what he wants to talk to Chris about?” and it’s like, don’t worry ladies! He’s only asking where a woman’s clit is—I’m sure he’ll figure it out by next week!
Colton heads back to the ladies to let them know that they’ll be going to Portugal this week for Fantasy Suites. Okay, the women look far too excited about the Fantasy Suites. They do realize that if Colton’s virginity story is actually to be believed, they’ll be lucky if he lasts through foreplay (assuming Chris Harrison even explained to him what that was).
Cut to a montage of all the women reminiscing on their good times with Colton. Cassie’s like, “It’s been an amazing journey” and then the camera pans to Colton grabbing her ass. I do love these producers sometimes. A+ cutting this episode!
TAYSHIA’S DATE:
First up this week is Tayshia, and I’ll be interested to see if Colton actually sleeps with her. I feel like he’s the most unsure about her, and I highly doubt he’s going to lose his virginity to a girl he’s unsure about. Plus, if there’s any girl he wants to put his dick in first it will be Cassie.
For their date, they go on a romantic helicopter ride and honestly I’m bored. Tayshia’s not saying anything that makes me think Colton will sleep with her, but damn is she trying to.
TAYSHIA: So what else haven’t you done before?
COLTON: R u f*cking serious?
Okay, their banter makes me wish I was born without ears. Tayshia tells Colton that there are “ways to loosen that up” when he mentions his pants being too tight and she’s certainly referring to the obligatory hand job production told her she had to give him later tonight. You guys, the romance in the air tn, it’s unreal!
Moving on to the cocktail portion of the evening. Colton starts out the night by telling Tayshia he can see her boob tape, which is exactly what my senior year formal date told me about the deep-v Tobi dress I wore AND GUESS WHAT COLTON he didn’t get laid either! Jesus GOD. That is not how you woo a lady. Also, do we think she’s flashing him on purpose? Like as a subliminal message? “SLEEP WITH ME, PLEASE.”
I guess the boob tape didn’t work, because Colton tells her that he’s not ready to sleep with her just yet. He’s like “intimacy is a big step” and it’s like, he does realize he has to get engaged at the end of this right?
Damn. Tayshia is pulling out allllll the stops. After Colton tells her he’s not ready to sleep with her she tells him another sob story, because she knows there’s nothing that gets that guy harder than other people’s emotional duress.
TAYSHIA: I just have a lot of trust issues because my ex-husband cheated on me so…
COLTON: So I would never do that to you. I don’t even want to sleep with you right now!
Tayshia isn’t the only one pulling out all the stops, because this entire champagne scene must have been scripted in a writer’s room. They’ve got Colton over here talking about pressure to perform and then prematurely spraying champagne all over Tayshia. It’s a little heavy-handed, even for ABC.
Cut to the next morning and Tayshia’s like “that was interesting.” LOL. That’s not the way you wanna be described, Colton, I hate to say it! I love how Tayshia is trying to hard to make it seem like they did stuff last night and Colton keeps shutting it down by saying “it was a nice conversation.”
Yeahhh, she’s def going home this week. Better luck in Paradise, sweetie!
CASSIE’S DATE:
Cassie’s up next and I’m already alarmed by her outfit choice. Seriously, wtf are you wearing girlfriend? A turtleneck? On Fantasy Suite night?? The vibe she’s sending out rn is about as sexy as my period panties, but okay.
For their date, they amble around the town square and desecrate historical buildings by aggressively dry humping each other against them. I will say it’s pretty clear that Colton is only into Cassie at this point. A sweet old man tries to dance with her for a second, and Colton The Caveman is like “Hey that’s my girlfriend! My hands are on her ass and everything!”
They find a quiet spot overlooking the city to have a picnic, and watching them try to describe this breathtaking view with their limited vocabulary of “pretty” and “so cute” is making me want to throw this empty wine bottle at my TV screen.
COLTON: Did you think Portugal would be this pretty?
CASSIE: No, I had literally no idea. NONE. Nope. No.
THAT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE BOTH UNCULTURED SWINE. DEAR GOD MAKE IT STOP.
Colton admits to Cassie that her dad didn’t give him his blessing for marriage and she’s acting like she just realized this will all end in a marriage proposal. I’m sorry, but is this your first time watching The Bachelor or something? Is it just me, or does it feel like Cassie is looking for any excuse she can to be eliminated this week? First with the turtleneck, and now with the sudden passion for family values. I can’t.
CASSIE: I’ve never been this confused about something this big
Sweetie, it’s a fake TV engagement. It’s not that big of a deal.
OMG WHAT. Cassie’s dad, who looks less like a father figure and more like someone Scientology hired to to speak to the youths so they could fulfill their 2019 quota, just showed up in Portugal. I repeat: a father just showed up in Portugal. This is not a drill!! I can only assume he’s there to finish blowing up Cassie’s relationship with Colton, right? *turns up volume*
Lol. I love how her dad is acting like they’re super religious and believe in the sanctity of marriage, and it’s like, then you’re gonna have a real hard time watching the footage from this season because it’s mostly Colton slapping your daughter’s ass.
Cassie decides to break up with Colton because SURPRISE, SURPRISE she’s not mature enough for marriage. Kirpa, if you’re reading this, I hope you feel vindicated.
Meanwhile, Colton is out here lighting candles and strategically placing condoms throughout the suite. I’ve literally never been so giddy in my entire life to watch someone be emotionally ruined. Please carry on.
CASSIE: I thought it would bother you more that my dad hates you?
COLTON: It did but, like, I still want to bang you know?
Okay, she is not doing a good job of breaking this to him. She tells him that their love isn’t the same as her parents, and while I do think this show is stupid and her dad is right, I don’t think it’s fair to tell a person that their love isn’t right because it’s not like how love happened to you. This is such a bullsh*t excuse. 
She is soooo bad at articulating her thoughts. She can’t even string a full sentence together! All she keeps saying is “I don’t know” and flipping her hair. She’s like a doll that only knows a few phrases and keeps repeating them until someone smashes her head off.
Cassie tries to walk away but Colton finds her hyperventilating by a bush. Omg did he just try and get another ass grab in?? Colton, stop making this decision easier for her!
Colton tells her he loves her and he would literally leave this show for her and she’s just like “Idk.” I can’t believe he just laid all his cards out like that!! He must really be panicking here.
COLTON: There’s no pressure to get married at the end of this.
THE PRODUCERS OVER HIS SHOULDER:
Lol. Colton is like “I love you, I want to be with you” and Cassie just looks f*cking miserable. I don’t know why (it’s definitely the wine) but I can’t stop giggling watching this. The horror in her eyes as they hug combined with the sound of his goddamn body shaking in the background is sending me over the edge here. ABC, bravo.
Colton walks Cassie out and she tells him that she wants him to be with someone who is insanely in love with her, and that feels like a very low blow. The man just said he’s only here for you and this is his own goddamn show!
WHAT. DID SHE JUST SAY I LOVE YOU? Cassie is sending Colton more mixed signals than Colton has about his sexuality all season.
At this point in the evening, I’m 3.5 glasses of wine deep, and every time Cassie breathes I start mentally chanting “fence jump.” I came here to watch a grown man cry and SO HELP ME I better get to see that happen.
We’re eight minutes until the end of the episode and Colton finally breaks. I’m sweating and I may or may not have just let out a high-pitched squeal that sent my dog running into the other room. IT. IS. HAPPENING. Y’ALL.
I love that Chris Harrison is just lurking in the bushes. Someone is like “Chris can you get out here please” and he just pops out from behind some shrubbery. Is this what they pay you the big bucks for, buddy?
CHRIS HARRISON: I’m too old for this sh*t.
They start searching the streets of Portugal and Colton is nowhere to be found. Chris is like “there’s dogs barking down here.” and it’s like, okay Chris Harrison. Chill. You’re not on Chicago PD. No need to show off your detective skills here.
The episode ends with Chris Harrison and a camera crew looking for Colton on the streets of Portugal and whistling for him like he’s a damn dog. We’ll have to wait until next week to see if production was able to lure him out from behind some trash cans with a piece of cheese. Until then, Betches!
Images: ABC (2); Giphy (4); @tvgoldtweets / Twitter; @tayshiaaa /Instagram
Hello! And welcome back to another very exciting episode of The Bachelorette. I’m calling this episode “very exciting” because this is the episode where Becca will either bring shame upon her family take someone to the fantasy suite or be so repulsed by someone that she sends him home early. Riveting stuff!
The episode begins, and we’re immediately treated to footage of a slow moving car crash the journey so far. Becca starts talking about all the men she has left and I’m realizing that she traveled halfway around the world to bang three guys she could have easily swiped right on drunk at a happy hour in Minnesota. Like, none of these guys warrant a romantic trip to Thailand. There’s more personality in a stock photo shoot then what’s happening on my screen rn.
Seriously, which is which I CANNOT TELL!!
Blake’s One-On-One
Blake gets the first one-on-one date and I already know this will end with him crying after sex. He’s got the face for it. I can feel it with every fiber of my being.
Becca kicks things off by forcing Blake to hike with her through a sacred temple grounds. She’s like, “this will be really fun because we won’t be allowed to touch each other at all!” Tbh that’s sounds like my perfect date so I approve of this.
Oh OF COURSE they run into two wise monks who proceed to lecture them on the secret to a happy life. Somehow I’m thinking that secret doesn’t involve dating 30 men on national television and hoping for the best?
BLAKE: They’re so wise, you know?
ALSO BLAKE:
Okay, so I know I’ve been going easy on Becca’s outfits these last few weeks and that’s because I’m genuinely worried Cary Fetman added an entry about me in his personal burn book, but I can’t hold back any longer. BECCA, WHAT IN GOD’S NAME ARE YOU WEARING?! It looks like she bought that dress at the airport gift shop, and I’m horrified. This is fantasy suite night and you came dressed for the occasion in a Wet Seal beach cover-up? What is wrong with you???
They start talking about their past relationships, and Blake is trying wayyy too hard to downplay his mental breakdown after his last girlfriend.
BLAKE: It was very hard time for me and my mother definitely did not have to hold me through the night for the next 3-6 months.
ME:
Godddd Blake is so needy. He’s like “I can’t ignore the fact that you’re dating other people” and it’s like, you have seen this show before, yes?
Blake and Becca head to the fantasy suite which looks weirdly like the best Marriott in Thailand. Seriously, ABC what’s happening with your budget these days? Thailand is crazy cheap and instead of living like kings for the night they’re living like two people on a mediocre business trip whose points landed them a free room.
Becca keeps looking at Blake like he is going to rock her world considers gently cradling her face as foreplay. Good luck with that, girl!
Cut to the morning after and the camera pans to Becca’s 99 cent dress on the floor. As if I needed a graphic reminder about what went down in that room last night: some very heavy breathing and Blake prematurely ejaculating after accidentally brushing Becca’s thigh. Please.
Lololol Blake is acting like every girl who got drunk off of too much rosé and is trying to define the relationship as the guy she’s seeing starts putting on his pants and calling an Uber.
BECCA: That was a amazing.
BLAKE: So, like, what are we tho?
Wait. Blake is me. I am Blake.
Jason’s One-On-One Date
Moving on to Jason’s one-on-one. Jason looks far too comfortable in Thailand. Like, he’s definitely made a pact before that what happens in Thailand stays in Thailand on a business trip. Ya feel me?
That smirk says it all.
Also, did Becca get her period on this date? Why is she wearing that towel around her waist? Because I know for goddamn sure it’s not for fashion purposes.
Okay, WHY is everything about food with Jason? First with the wing eating contest and now these crickets? It’s like he wants Becca to have violent diarrhea after every date.
Becca makes a p vague comment about her and Jason’s future together and then immediately freaks out over said comment. I’ve never related to Becca more than in this moment. She’s like “I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I don’t see a future with this person I met four weeks ago!!” Yes, Becca, this is good. That’s the ABC brainwashing slowly starting to leave your system. That, or blind panic at the start of a bowel movement. Either/or.
Wait so we don’t even get to see the day date at all? Damnnn Jason must have really f*cked up if all we get to see is her walking off with her producer.
Cut to the evening portion of the date. WAIT. Is Becca going to dump him right this second? Figures that she’s going to cut the night short on the night where I’m not immediately horrified by her dress.
Becca dips out on Jason AGAIN and he’s gotta know he’s going home tonight, right? Also, is it wrong that now that I know he’s a loser I’m kinda into him?
So when someone gets up two times to go cry by themselves on a date, they’re probs not into you…. noted #theBachelorette
— Betches (@betchesluvthis) July 24, 2018
Okay, this conversation is so effing awkward. Like, what does she want him to do? List reasons for why she should keep him? Like, they are talking in circles around each other.
BECCA: I’m not confident about you.
JASON: That feels like a yes, though?
Okay, Jason is pushing HARD to stay the night. He must think his penis can convince her to keep him around for another week. Is that considered big dick energy?
Jason finally gets in the van and is just like “eh, better luck next time.” Seriously? After all of that begging and pleading that’s all you have to say for yourself? Meanwhile, Becca has a small mental breakdown in her suite at the Marriott. If only she could see his monotoned goodbye speech rn.
Garrett’s One-On-One Date
Last and certainly most racist, we have Garrett’s one-on-one! Cut to Becca who’s pregaming the date by crying alone in her hotel suite. Again, I can deeply relate to this sentiment. At least the cameras didn’t zoom in on her lonely dress on the floor. What a missed opportunity, ABC!
Becca meets up with Garrett and is like “we’re getting out of the city and doing something the locals do!” And by “doing something the locals do” she means rafting through these people’s backyards.
BECCA THREE MINUTES INTO THIS DATE: I didn’t think, like, the locals would actually be here though?
I love how much they’re struggling with this crowd rn. These people could give one single sh*t that Bachelor contestants are in their presence. Can I just move to this beautiful, pure community?
Moving on. Becca shows up to the dinner and drinks portion of the evening wearing her grandmother’s Elvis costume. I’m not exaggerating when I say that I’m feeling personally attacked by Cary Fetman. This lace abomination has to be some declaration of war. Has to be. IT HAS A SATIN GODDAMN COLLAR. WHY. Becca does realize the end goal here is to make Garrett want to bang her, right? ‘Cause I’m worried that won’t happen now.
I love that Garrett is like “I’m nervous about commitment” and Becca practically orgasms on that pillow. Meanwhile, Jason, a guy who has exclaimed he loves her for weeks now, gets sent packing. Makes sense.
Wait, is that a freaking tent they’re spending the night in? Everyone else got the best sub-par hotel suite ABC’s points could buy them and these two are relegated to sleeping in the hotel’s backyard? If I were Garrett rn I’d be like “I signed up for Fantasy Suites, not glamping.”
HAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh my god Becca just blew a kiss to Garrett and his responding kiss was a mix between giving her the finger and rolling his eyes. This is the most personality I’ve seen from him all season, and I’m here for it.
The Rose Ceremony
GUYS. JASON. IS. BACK. Omgomgomgomgomg. Just when I was getting genuinely concerned that ABC was going to waste my time for the next 35 minutes the producers somehow coerce Jason into embarrassing himself further on national television. *turns up volume*
JASON: I just want to get some closure so I’m going to knock on her door and talk to her.
BECCA:
Yeah, this isn’t a great start, dude.
Wait what is this story he just gave her? Please tell me it’s not a scrapbook of their time together. Like, did he whip this up in his hotel room last night when the producers told him he needed to have a more emotional exit if he wants to be the next Bachelor? ‘Cause that’s the only explanation behind this sad, handwritten book he just deposited at her doorstep.
Jason: I brought you something#TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/hVIgHR1e2f
— Betches (@betchesluvthis) July 24, 2018
Okay, but why is there even a rose ceremony at this point? The anxiety rolling off Blake rn is making me sweat out all the wine I just drank and it’s senseless.
Becca shows up to the rose ceremony in yet another lace dress that makes me question. Chris Harrison asks Becca if she feels good about cutting Jason before the rose ceremony and she’s like “oh yeah, I have two great guys left and plus his hair repulsed me!” I paraphrase.
Becca calls Garrett’s name first and Blake looks like he might murder them both in their sleep. I hope his mother is on call to help him through these dark times.
LOL this toast is so effing awkward. Garrett’s like “thanks for giving me that quality one-on-one time this week.”
ALSO GARRETT:
Subtle, G!
Next week ABC continues to waste our time we have “The Men Tell All” where I’m sure no one will take accountability for their actions or give us any insight into their dumbass decisions this season. Can’t wait!
Images: Giphy (7); @jason_tartick /Instagram (1); ABC (3)
We’re down to the final three women on The Bachelor and I still haven’t seen this supposed “ex” that ABC has been teasing all season who’s going to come in and fuck up Arie’s whole world. It’s like they think I don’t have anything better to do with my life than to sit around and wait for them to deliver me drama in two-hour increments once a week and they’d be right. Whatever. All I know is that if the ex belongs to Kendall then that confrontation better have the sentence “I should have stuffed you when you had the chance” somewhere in there, or else it’s just a total missed opportunity on ABC’s part. A. MISSED. OPPORTUNITY. Anyway. Moving on. Shall we commence to the brothel fantasy suites now?
Kendall’s One-On-One Date
This week everyone is in Peru and Kendall is dressed like she should be a backup dancer in a music video filmed in Brooklyn. Does flannel on the third Bachelor sex date really say seduction, Kenny?
Lol Kendall just goes “this feels like Mad Max” about their dune buggying date. 10 bucks says Arie has no idea wtf she’s talking about. I have a feeling his movie expertise stretches about as far as Pretty Woman or anything in the Nicholas Sparks franchise.
KENDALL: I don’t want Arie to like me just because I’m into taxidermy.
Ah…yeah. I think you’re safe there, girlfriend.
I have a feeling Kendall is a goner. She’s cute and weird but she ain’t ready for marriage and if there’s anything Peter SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE BACHELOR Kraus taught us, it’s that your ass will get dumped if you don’t want to marry a complete stranger someone after three weeks of nationally televised dating, no matter how gap-toothed and adorable you might be
Jesus. I forgot how awkward the fantasy suite cards are. This feels less romantic and more like the beginnings of a Law & Order SVU episode.
ARIE: I’m excited to learn all the things like if you’re actually as batshit in the bedroom.
OMFG did Arie just ask how she was feeling “emotionally, not physically” and then wink?
Lauren’s One-On-One Date
Ah, yes. My favorite walking, talking human fembot. I hope this date doesn’t involve water attractions—I fear her circuit board might malfunction and then Arie will never get to bang her!
ARIE: Sometimes there feels like there’s a wall up with her for some reason?
ME: YES BECAUSE SHE HASN’T BEEN PROGRAMMED YET TO FEEL HUMAN EMOTIONS.
I rest my case.
Okay, Arie seems super into Lauren for reasons that are beyond me. Like, even when she’s asking for the bare minimum of commitment from him being needy AF she has the facial expression of a brick wall. Tbh I aspire to look that dead inside.
LAUREN: They’ve programmed me to feel doubts and fears and I don’t know what to do about that.
ARIE: Just know you’re here because I want to bang you am crazy about you.
That’s comforting. Thanks, Arie.
All jokes aside, Lauren is asking all the right questions here. I’d be fucking livid if I’d already been engaged and dumped before the age of 25. She needs to lock that shit down.
WAIT, WHAT. Did Arie just casually throw out an “I love you”?? This isn’t 2015! You can’t just pull a Ben Higgins and throw out all the rules! *slips into rage blackout* CHRIS HARRISON WHERE ARE YOU?? Drop your Mai Tai and get control of your boy. Thx.
**Somewhere by a pool in Peru**
PRODUCER: Sorry to bother you, Chris, but he said I love you to a girl even though we specifically told him not to.
CHRIS HARRISON:
Okay, Arie 1,000 percent used the L word to get into Lauren’s animatronic pants. You sneaky emotional bastard!
Becca’s One-On-One Date
All of these girls keep talking about how the hometowns changed everything with Arie, and it’s like didn’t all of your parent’s hate/have doubts about him? I guess The Bachelor is like the adult equivalent of me getting my belly button pierced on spring break even though my mother specifically told me not to.
BECCA: Do you have any doubts or insecurities about our relationship?
ME: Well I do because Arie is currently wearing a mock-neck sweater on your date.
Hmm Becca def just brought up her ex… is this foreshadowing?? Or just ABC blatantly beating me over the head with information? Only time will tell.
Sidenote: This bloated walrus groaning into the abyss is the most relatable person on this date yacht date. Just saying.
Okay, what is this tent?? The rest of the girls get hotel rooms and poor Becca has to fuck Arie by a sand dune? Well, I guess we know how Arie really feels about her. It’s that, or production spent their last dime on that yacht date they just went on.
BECCA: I love you.
ARIE: Do we bang now?
WAIT. HE ALSO SAID I LOVE YOU TO BECCA. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. Becca’s like “I honestly didn’t expect him to say it back because of the contract he signed with ABC specifically saying he wouldn’t.” Uh yeah, girl, me fucking either.
HAHA Becca just looked around this small-ass tent with the twin-sized bed where her and Arie probably just did missionary with the lights turned off and she’s like “Yeah I’m so… lucky.”
Take a good look, honey, because that is your future right there!
The Last Hour Of This Godforsaken Show
Y’ALL. IT. IS. HAPPENING. The ex-boyfriend is here and he “didn’t know The Bachelor ended in a proposal.” K.
So the ex-boyfriend is definitely Becca’s. Interesting. He’s much cuter than I thought someone from Minnesota would be. I’m not entirely unconvinced the production didn’t hire a paid actor to date Becca for 7 years, dump her, get her friends to convince her to come on this show, and then have him show up on the second to last episode of the season to proclaim his love for her just so we could have this dramatic moment captured on camera. Fellow conspiracy theorists, should we fight this one out in the comments section?
Wow that’s a bold strategy to just show up and knock on Arie’s door. You can tell Arie is just like “fuck, why are you so good looking.
ARIE: My initial reaction was ‘why is hotel management here?’
HAHA. Okay, Arie is one petty fucking bastard. I’d love to have him around for next time I show up to one of my sorority reunion weekends. His underhanded comments would go FAR with that crowd.
ARIE: Do you think you only want her back because of the competition aspect?
EX-BOYFRIEND: *looks at Arie* *laughs a little* Nah
I’m such a messy bitch and I am living for this shit rn. Arie keeps talking about how they’ve been broken up for a year and how this is so out of nowhere, but I still regularly drunk dial my ex of five years just to tell him what I had for breakfast, so I don’t really see his point here.
Oh shit he’s actually proposing. He’s really doing it. You know Becca’s just like, “really dude? You couldn’t have said anything before I signed up for this godforsaken show thinking it was going to be Peter?”
This proposal is so awkward. He’s not even looking her in the eye. You know it’s a bad relationship when you dump a guy you were with for seven years for a guy you’ve known for two months who has fantastical hand gestures.
Moving on to the rose ceremony. Fucking finally. It feels like I’ve aged 12 years in this one episode alone. My back hurts and I’m this close to collecting my retirement so I don’t have to show up to work tomorrow.
Also, why is Lauren dressed like she’s going to a board meeting? She must be really secure in that mumbled “I love you” Arie gave her the night before, huh?
Arie is just like “this has been such an incredible week” and it’s like we get it, you got laid three times. We’re just as shocked as you are.
Arie pulls Kendall aside AGAIN. Only this time it’s to dump her for not giving in and saying “I love you.” I bet Miss Cleo her sister is watching this at home rn and getting ready to rub that energy reading in Kendall’s face.
^^Actual footage of Kendall’s sister rn
Seriously though, I’m really going to miss this psycho. Here’s hoping we’ll be seeing Kenny in Paradise! Can’t wait for next week’s episode to see which girl is going to spend forever with one of The Bachelor franchise’s biggest rejects!
Images: Giphy (5); ABC (3); @bachelorabc /Instagram (1)
Fantasy Suite week is obviously the best week of any season of The Bachelor/Bachelorette. Chris Harrison sneaks you a handwritten note like a middle schooler that basically reads, “U gonna bang this person tonight? Y/N? Here’s a key to your fuck palace. Go forth and defile it three nights in a row with three different people.”
It’s pretty much assumed that the Bachelor/Bachelorette will use the Fantasy Suite for its intended purpose with each of the three remaining contestants because this may very well be the last time they get to explore sex with different partners before they settle down with one person until Neil Lane’s contract for keeping the ring expires for the rest of their life.
On Nick Viall’s season, we all know he and Vanessa bumped uglies because, well, she won. Raven practically shouted from the rooftops that he gave her the blessing of her first orgasm ever. The third woman in Nick’s Fantasy Suite fuck parade was Rachel Lindsay, who dodged an effing bullet by getting kicked off after their night together so she could go on to be objectively the best – and the first African American – Bachelorette.
However, in a recent interview on the Bachelor Party podcast, Rachel revealed that she never ended up doing the nasty with Nick at all! Praise Jesus, I knew this girl had common sense. But her reasons for not letting Nick flop his naked body on top of her had nothing to do with the fact that the man is the human embodiment of soggy lunchmeat. It was actually all thanks to…Donald Trump.
Rachel said that they arrived in Finland the night of the 2016 election, and she spent the night watching the election results roll in in shock. She reflects, “I had my date the next day, and I couldn’t get in the right head space. I drank a lot. I passed out in the Fantasy Suite. This is my first time actually saying that. I just went to sleep. We had no talking that night.” She clarified that she most definitely did not do it with Nick, adding “I did nothing! I did nothing but sleep. I got my best sleep in the Fantasy Suite!”
Girl was so upset that Trump was President that she literally couldn’t muster up the desire to have sex. I’ve honestly never related to a Bachelor contestant more in my life. When my boyfriend tried to so much as kiss me the day after the election, I pushed him away and made him buy me a whole pizza instead and then cried for two hours in his bed. Needless to say, we are no longer together.
There you have it. The President of the United States is singlehandedly killing the sex drives of the American people. To reverse this crime against humanity, I suggest lighting some candles, popping some fresh batteries in your vibrator, and playing the audio of Obama’s past speeches so you can lull yourself into an alternate reality where the election never happened, with liberty and orgasms for all.
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