It’s a sad day in Paradise, folks, because our favorite baby prostitute, Bekah Martinez, just dropped out of the season. That’s right, people, Baby Bekah, the beloved down-on-her-luck stoner who was just barely old enough to be Arie’s adoptive daughter but somehow almost made it to Hometowns, has just confirmed that she won’t be ruining her life on a Mexican beach this summer for our enjoyment. Boooooo.
If you’ll recall, Bekah was one of the first people to confirm her spot on BiP during Arie’s season on The Women Tell All, which is extra interesting because now she’s pretending like that never even happened. K. It’s like she doesn’t realize that I literally get paid to keep her receipts or something? Nice try, honeyyyy. Bekah’s saying the reason she won’t be getting carded by Wells in Paradise this season is because she has a new man in her life and realized that “it wasn’t worth it” to “possibly jeopardize what had with .” Okay, first of all, I call bullsh*t. I don’t for one second believe that Little Miss Age-Is-Nothing-But-A-Number would ever willingly give up a chance to stand on her boho soap box for national television. This is the same girl who graduated college and six months later decided that getting a funky hair cut and denying her real age would be the perfect way to launch her career as an Instagram model on The Bachelor. So, no, I’m not buying this “I found love IRL” excuse. NOPE.
^Does this look like the face of someone who isn’t trying to be the next sponsor for FabFitFun? Does it?!
There’s way more to the story here, which is why I’ve taken it upon myself to
start rumors get to the bottom of this with some v well-developed theories of my own. So put on your tin foil hats, people, because it’s time to talk conspiracy theories.
Theory #1: She’s Pregnant
I’m going to start off with the most insane but weirdly plausible theory first: Bekah M is pregnant. Stick with me here. There’s a rumor that’s been circulating for awhile now that Bekah is, in fact, pregnant, which would explain why she’s suddenly not going to be on Paradise. Reality Steve addressed the rumor on his site and said this: “This hasn’t been reported by a major outlet yet that I’ve seen, so I guess Bekah can pretend she doesn’t know the story is out there, even though I’m pretty sure she does.” EVEN THOUGH HE’S PRETTY SURE SHE DOES. Okay, so it’s not super solid evidence, but Bekah is always ready to start drama on Twitter so it’s curious AF that she hasn’t confirmed or denied said rumor yet. And if you think it about it, it kind of makes sense. I mean, how can one destroy their reputation in Mexico one piña colada at time if she’s pregnant? SHE CAN’T. Tbh I wouldn’t put it past her to pull an Ashley I and Jared and keep the pregnancy under wraps until ABC can blackmail People into reporting on it before the finale of Bachelor in Paradise. Mark my words, people, because I’m seeing into the goddamn future here!
Theory #2: Her Mother Threatened To Report Her Missing Again
No one can forget the infamous missing persons report Bekah’s mother filed while her daughter was off seducing a man in his midlife crisis—mostly because Bekah won’t let us effing forget. If Mrs. Martinez thought that watching a grown man fit his entire fist through her daughter’s hoop earring while making out with her was painful to see, then I can only imagine what she would make of the abominations that take place on ABC’s slice of Mexican beach. Considering my mother tried to rescind my college fund after I got my belly button pierced on spring break without her permission, I can only imagine the lengths Mrs. Martinez would go to stop her daughter from drunkenly defending her age to every available camera man on that island. Never underestimate the power of the person who pays your cell phone bills, amiright Bekah?
Theory #3: Tia & Raven Conspired Against Her
I know this sounds far-fetched, but again,
that’s my job hear me out. A few weeks ago Bekah put Tia on blast on Twitter for being a selfish bitch her relationship with Colton. She recently apologized for the rage blackout that inspired those beautifully savage tweets, which feels very off-brand for the girl whose motto throughout her entire Bachelor career has been #sorrynotsorry. Like, sorry not sorry Arie likes me, sorry not sorry I was born in 1995, sorry not sorry I’m ready for love. WE GET IT. So, yeah, this feels like Bekah is trying to get back into Tia’s good graces before they’re stranded on a literal island together. AND THEN right after she apologizes, all of a sudden she announces she’s actually not going to be on Paradise after all? It’s almost like that half-assed apology went over about as well as Becca’s formal wear this season? Look, I’m not saying Tia and Raven had anything to do with this but I’m also not not saying that Raven didn’t threaten to beat her with a shoe some shady business didn’t go down behind the scenes. I mean, production owes Tia big time for pity-giving Becca the Bachelorette spot this season, and if they had to cut Millennial Tinkerbell to do it, they probably would.
We may never know the true reason why Bekah decided to settle down with a rando who looks suspiciously like Arie (seriously look him up) instead of going to Paradise like God and Mike Fleiss intended, but I sure as sh*t do not buy that it was for love. I guess only time and refreshing People’s homepage one million times will tell!
Images: Giphy (4)
Go back through history and you’ll see countless examples of men taking credit for work that women did. Famously, homegirl Rosalind Franklin identified the structure of DNA and then notorious fuckbois Watson and Crick stole her research, presented it like it was their own, and won a Nobel Prize for it like four years after Franklin died. Well the bitch-assery continues and there’s been another outing of a group of dudes who’ve been taking credit for women’s work for years, centuries even. Their names are Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen. And Rudolph, too. Your heroes have betrayed you.
brilliant girl with access to Google scientist tweeted this damning exposé out earlier in the week and stopped the whole “reindeers are hunky dudes” charade.
— Cat Reynolds (@catreynoldsnyc) December 11, 2017
That’s right. Women reindeers are the ones hauling their asses around the world to give all the little kids presents. And women reindeers are the ones stopping at the White House and hopefully shitting on the roof. To think for years we’ve misgendered these hardworking women while their weak ass reindeer husbands are sitting at home in the North Pole moping over their fallen off antlers.
In fact, I think it’s only right we make a shrine to these long underappreciated women and I think the perfect thing to make it out of are the fallen off antlers of their lazy male counterparts. This Christmas when you leave cookies out for Santa, also leave our some jewelry or like Glossier bow brow he can bring back up to his reindeer. Sleigh, girls!
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Parks and Rec is one of the greatest shows of all time, and if you don’t agree, you can fight me—in the comments section or literally, whichever you prefer. Case in point: We are literally living in one giant episode of Parks and Rec with a president who makes Jeremy Jamm look like fucking Elizabeth Warren. But I’m not here to talk about how our political arena has basically descended into one giant parody that’s actually real. Not today, anyway. One of the biggest mysteries throughout Parks and Rec is how Jerry Gergich, the lovable klutz who’s not exactly a looker, ended up with Gayle, who is hotter at age 60 than I am right now at age 26. Seriously, it baffles everybody.
Here is Ben trying, in vain, to explain how Gayle and Jerry got together:
No one in the entire series can wrap their head around it, but I know why and how Gayle chose Jerry Gergich aka Garry Gergich, and it’s actually very simple. Before I divulge my theory, I’d just like to say that I’ve been sitting on this for years but have only just typed it all out now, so I hope nobody’s beaten me to the punch. Anyway.
Let’s look at the facts. First of all, despite being a bumbling idiot at work, Jerry is a very confident and self-assured guy when he’s comfortable. Just think about the scene where he’s in his element, and home having breakfast with his family. (I tried in vain to find a Youtube clip, so I’ll just have to do this the old-fashioned way and describe it with my words.) Jerry and his family cheerily sing the “Eggs, Bacon and Toast” breakfast song. At one point, Jerry even tosses a mug up into the air, watches it flip around a bunch of times, and then catches it seamlessly. Leslie is shocked. But she shouldn’t be. When Jerry is comfortable, he’s a fun-loving and, dare I say, smooth guy. That’s number one.
Number two is that Jerry is probably the nicest guy on the planet. Think about if you’re Gayle, you’ve been hot your whole life and probably dealt with a bunch of assholes. Then confident Jerry comes along and, wait, he’s actually the sweetest guy ever who’d never harm a fly? Jerry is constantly made fun of, and not only does he never care, he’s a really good sport in the face of constant mockery. Just look to the scene where Jerry gets demoted when he’s only a few years from retirement. Does he get upset? No, he’s Jerry—he finds the silver lining even in getting a pay cut. Again, I WOULD have embedded a video, but NBC really has a lock on Parks and Rec videos. Damn it. Anyway, so here’s the gist: Jerry interviews for the Animal Control job. Over the course of the interview, it comes out that the college Jerry went to is now a four-year college, but was only a two-year college during his attendance. Hence, he never graduated from a four-year college, which technically makes him unqualified for his current job. Follow me? Cool. April says, “You’re fired!” Then Chris says, “You’re not fired, but we’re definitely going to have to lower your salary.” Jerry says, “Oh, well fair is fair,” and chuckles. See? Jerry could be a more positive person than even Chris. He’s low-key a gem.
Third, there’s one point in some episode my friend just reminded me where Jerry says that he used to look like Chris before he had kids. So maybe when Gayle met Jerry, he was hot and he just let himself go as he got older. People do that, you know.
But the real kicker comes in a one-off in the episode where all the men in Pawnee are sending Ann photos of their junk because she correctly diagnosed one guy as having mumps by looking at his dick pic. Are you ready for it? Because this explains everything.
Game, set, match. Suddenly it all makes sense. You are all very welcome.
Okay so sure, we all probably know that Taylor Swift’s new
very bad song “Look What You Made Me Do” is (in my opinion) obviously about Kim, Kanye, Katy Perry, Calvin Harris, The Barista Who Got Her Drink Order Wrong, and everyone else who pissed her off in 2017, but there are several clues throughout the track that actually pointed to someone else: Arya Stark. Game Of Thrones fans are used to tying together vague clues and foreshadowing, so it took less than -.5 seconds for Twitter to see the connection between Swift’s new lyrics and the life and times of the Stark family’s most fucked up ninja. Don’t believe me? Here’s a breakdown:
Remember the time those actors in Braavos put on a play about the War Of Five Kings where they portrayed Ned Stark as a huge dumbass?
Well then look at this:
I don’t like your tilted stage
The role you made me play
Of the fool
Okay, so that isn’t like, exactly her life, but then you look at this line:
I don’t like your kingdom keys
They once belonged to me
Umm…Cersei much? Or, after the last episode, maybe a veiled threat at Sansa? Unclear. Then there is this line which is CLEARLY about The Red Wedding:
You asked me for a place to sleep
Locked me out and threw a feast
Wow. Didn’t realize Taylor also had beef with Walden Frey. Interesting.
Of course, there’s one line in particular that got GOT fans screaming “A GIRL HAS NO NEW SINGLE!!” as soon as they heard it:
I’ve got a list of names and yours is in red, underlined
I check it once, then I check it twice
Okay. So that is definitely about Arya Stark’s famous list of people who she’s going to kill. Right!?! And obviously has us all speculating—does T Swizzle have a kill list? If so, who is on it? Kimye, obviously. Then, depending on whether or not they actually make up at the VMAS, Katy Perry. Then…Calvin? Harry Styles? Jake Gyllenhaal? THE HOUND?!?
Oh, and let’s not forget the whole “The old Taylor is dead” motif throughout the lyric video. Is this a nod to Taylor’s recent training as a Faceless Man? Was she being carried out of her apartment because she was on some kind of a Faceless Man mission? Is that why she was MIA all year? It’s all coming together.
I mean, probs not, but I think we can all agree on one thing: this theory is a fuckload more interesting than this song.