For most betches, pulling together an acceptable fall outfit is almost as easy as finding a friend with an Adderall prescription. Thanks to the Olsen twins, it’s just a matter of throwing on an oversized black sweater, some sort of black bottoms and a pair of black boots. However, if you’re the kind of person who has that whiney “But I want it to be summer all year long!” mentality, and you’ve developed some sort of sick resistance to the fool-proof fall uniform, this might prove more difficult. If you believe that a “cute fall outfit” consists of a sundress, a duster sweater, and some vaguely fall-ish footwear, listen up. These are a few things you definitely should not still be wearing at this point in the year. And before you ask, no. I do not give a shit about the fact that it keeps getting hot AF in the middle of the day. If that’s something that bothers you then, idk, call your senators or some shit. The fact remains, if you wear any of these things past September, you can’t sit with us.
1. Eyelet Materials
Fold these up and stick them in that storage container under your bed, because you should not even be looking at anything made out of an eyelet material for at least the next six to seven months. Nothing says, “I’m a barely functioning member of society who has no clue what fucking season it is,” like a flowy white eyelet off the shoulder top in the end of October. Unless you’re being your summer self for Halloween, in which case, you’re fucking weird and have other problems to deal with.
I’m going to assume that you understand the world well enough to know that you should put away your summer wedges as soon as you get your first craving for a hot coffee instead of iced. The real offender here is any shoe style that’s like, an espadrille hybrid. Specifically, think of all those platform espadrille sneakers that aesthetic bloggers were rocking this summer. You should never have to pick a crunched-up leaf out of your carefully woven espadrille sole, so just don’t let it happen.
You know that part at the end of Mean Girls when Regina George becomes a jock, and it should be really sad because she used to be the HBIC, and now she’s wearing a fucking mouthguard? The only reason this scene isn’t totally heartbreaking is that she had a really good run as a popular betch before her downfall. The same goes for gingham. Gingham had a strong summer as one of the most popular prints, but it’s time for it to leave the spotlight and take its talents somewhere more subtle… like to the tea towel industry or something. If you’re still really feeling that vibe but want to update it for fall, just look for pieces that are a more autumn-y plaid or the checkerboard print Forever 21 keeps vomiting all over the place.
4. Palazzo Pants
In most cases, you should stop wearing palazzo pants in the fall and winter months. There are obviously some actually cool palazzo options that would pass as acceptable, but these are the exception and not the rule. Since the beginning of time (okay, maybe just since the beginning of Pinterest) most of you have been under the impression that if you throw on a sweater and boots, you can transition most summer wardrobe staples into fall outfits. However, a cable knit sweater and Frye boots does not a fall outfit make! Generally speaking, bohemian printed palazzo pants are for girls who want to brag about the fact that they have a great butt and/or smoke a lot of weed, and they (the pants) really have no place in your fall wardrobe.
At first, I assumed that including rompers in this list would be as obvious as including bikinis. Like, clearly you’re not going to wear a romper in the fall. Then I came across a bunch of photos of fashion bloggers wearing rompers with tights on Pinterest. Yep, TIGHTS. Unless you’re the manager of a Free People, you have no excuse to be wearing a romper in the fall, no matter how many floor length cardigans and pairs of thigh high boots you’re willing to disguise it with. Rompers are really already on their way out, so this shouldn’t be that difficult. Also, peeing in rompers is hard enough as it is. Don’t make it more difficult by adding fucking tights into the mix. Just don’t.
Images: Shutterstock; Pinterest (5)
The beginning of fall means it’s time to
mourn your summer body start investing in the season’s biggest staple: over the knee boots. OTK’s are nothing new and will always be a timeless wardrobe addition. The sleek thigh-highs make you look tall af, basically skinny, and ultra sexy regardless of if you wear them with an oversize sweater or a slutty skirt. As usual, you’ll need new pairs in bold colors to spice up your OOTD, so here’s me being like, such a good friend and giving you the low-down on this season’s hottest shoe.
1. Unisa Saranaa Over The Knee Boot
Although navy is usually reserved for winter, there’s literally nothing wrong with preparing for hibernation by shopping the color a little early. Navy blue is obviously just as cute as black, it’s just as dark as black, so we should
totally just stab black give it a chance. These suede OTK boots are super comfortable, aka v walkable, and def go with any outfit of your choosing. Except black. Duh.
2. Charles By Charles David Perfect Over The Knee Boot
Some may hate thigh-highs because they can be annoying af and slouch down your leg like fucking sleeves. Thankfully, these sturdy stiletto heels stay in place where they belong and still make your legs look as though they go on forever.
3. Jeffrey Campbell Cienega Tan Over-The-Knee Boot
Like our lipsticks, bras, and everything important in life, we obvs need shoes in a nude tan, too. These slinky zip-ups look amazing with every skin tone and accentuate your legs enough to make your friends wonder if you’ve been hitting the treadmill. Well, joke’s on them. The block heels make walking a breeze and essentially decrease the chances of busting your ass when you’ve had one too many tequila shots.
4. Missguided Burgundy Feature Heel Thigh High Boots
I literally don’t know anything that makes you look more fire than burgundy heels. I don’t mean regular heels, I mean like, sexy chunky-heeled OTK boots that you will cherish as much as you would your first born. The hot fall hue is a perfect pop of color; it’s classy and a hell of a head-turner anywhere you go.
5. Stuart Weitzman Hiline Over-The-Knee Boots
Naturally, I saved the best for last because Stuart Weitzman is to blame for our OTK obsession. He’s the man behind the boot every celeb we stalk on Insta swears by. And obviously, for good fucking reason. They actually *stay* over the knee, are softer than newly waxed legs, and look amazing even over your fave skinny jeans. The style comes in must-have neutrals and a royal blue you’ll grow to love.
It’s officially September, y’all!! Blacking out on a Wednesday will now be looked down upon even if it’s with spiked cider, so plan your weekly drinking habits wisely. There’s shitty weather in New York already and it’s too freezing for shorts by 6pm, which means we’re back to wearing big-ass shirts that we hope pass as dresses and wearing the same pair of leggings at least twice a week because we “forgot” to do laundry. In other words, it’s pumpkin season. Who the fuck waits until September 22nd anyway? A real betch knows fall begins when the PSL is officially added to the Starbucks menu, which looks like it happened this weekend because Starbucks lost their damn minds started an uncomfortably weird livestream of the “PSL Hatch.” In honor of basic bitch SZN and getting judgy looks when you ask the bartender for pumpkin beer, here are pumpkin-inspired beauty products because the limit for our obsession really does not exist. We are such a stone-cold pack of weirdos, AND I AM SO PROUD. As for the haters, you *will* bend the knee this fall.
Walking into work after Labor Day Weekend like:
1. Peter Thomas Roth Pumpkin Enzyme Mask Enzymatic Dermal Resurfacer
The obsession with pumpkin isn’t for nothing, because the key to having glowing youthful skin lies within this fruit. Wait, can we just take a sec to acknowledge pumpkin is a motherfucking fruit? Guys, my life is a lie. This is why I have trust issues. Excuse me while I attempt to accept this. Okay. I’ve accepted it. Moving on…This exfoliating mask is infused with pumpkin enzymes that brighten and soothe uneven complexions. It eliminates signs that we’re getting old af (bless) and it’s a deep cleanser for clogged pores, giving you hydrated, non-oily, glowing skin. How ‘bout that, pumpkin spice haters?
2. Atlantic Fizz Bath Bomb
Lush sucks because they don’t have their Halloween shit out yet (I know, how dare they not be a month ahead of the times), but never fear because where there’s me a will, there’s a way. Jersey-based company Atlantic Fizz offers handmade bath bombs made straight from the Atlantic Ocean (the same one that houses the infamous Jersey Shore in Ocean City). Assuming they stray far from waters where drunk Snooki’s and Ronnie’s may piss or vom in, relax and soak your bod with a pumpkin-scented fizzing ball.
3. Bath & Body Works Spiced Pumpkin Cider Shower Gel
Do you really prep for fall if you don’t buy one of everything from Bath & Body Works’ iconic fall collection? Didn’t think so. Treat yo’self with a basic bitch blend of pumpkin, cider, and cinnamon goodness to moisturize and cleanse with autumn’s most sacred elements. This gel also features pure honey, shea butter, and aloe so you don’t shrivel up and dry out like a dead leaf come October.
4. Ulta Pumpkin Spice Body Lotion
And then after you lather yourself with pumpkin spice and everything nice, next comes a must-have pumpkin spice lotion. It hydrates the driest of skin types with a shit ton of nourishing vitamins. Plus, this has a non-greasy formula so you def won’t feel like you’re rubbing oil all over yourself.
5. Etat Libre d’Orange Tilda Swinton Like This Eau de Parfum
I won’t really condone spritzing pumpkin seeds in your face because that’s just borderline psycho and we’re not that crazy, right? *Cue nervous laughter* For an elegant perfume that won’t make everyone choke on their own breath, you want a v simple scent that turns heads and makes everyone wonder WTF you’re wearing, but in a good way. Bring in the upcoming season with an autumn blend of subtle pumpkin, notes of spices sitting in your kitchen, and flirty floral fragrances. Tip: Since some of you def need a daily reminder, spray on your wrists, bottom of your throat, and ends of your hair. Any more than that and you’re sending someone to the hospital with an asthma attack.
6. SMASHBOX Always On Matte Liquid Lipstick – Out Loud
Kylie Cosmetics’ pumpkin lip kit is already sold out, so that’s when you know basic bitches around the fucking world are ready to jump into their Uggs. A burnt orange lip is honestly perf for fall since it’s a subtle color that you’re not risking looking ghostly or emo with. SMASHBOX obvs never disappoints so you can expect this 8-hour liquid matte to be nothing less. It’s super lightweight, smudge-proof, and keeps your lips looking full AF so you don’t have to apply lipstick like this (Seriously, stop):
7. Make Up For Ever Artist Shadow Eyeshadow And Powder Blush – Pumpkin
Real pumpkins have a fuck ton of orange pigments because it’s fucking orange, like duh, and honestly, if you eat enough of it, you eventually will radiate an orange-y glow. Don’t depend on them for a tanning alternative, though—keep that account open at your local salon. Speed up the process by wearing a long-lasting dark orange blush. It’s easy to apply and easily blends with your bronzer. It leaves a shimmer finish so honestly, you could probs do without the highlighter, too.
Raise your hand if you’re seriously sick of this suffocating heat that keeps ruining your too-expensive blowout. You and every other basic betch are just about ready for that time of year where we all pretend to know what a touchdown is. I’m as down for day drinking and looking like a golden goddess as every other normal person, but TBH, I do that shit all year round and like, it’s the 21st century. Vegan tanning products exist so you can
feel better about yourself get a fucking spray tan whenever you want without killing animals and getting skin cancer. NGL, I’m sick of peeing while naked wearing rompers and I’m just roséd out. Like with coffee orders, nail polish colors, Bumble guys most things in life, I get v bored after like, three months. That being said, I need summer to GTFO so I can get rid of this lame blonde hair and go back to having ~tame~ dark hair. The season of change basically brings on an entirely new persona, so ask your hair stylist for one of these hair trends so you can leave the summer you behind.
1. Modern Shag
I know what you’re thinking: “Unless you’re starring on Stranger Things, there’s no excuse for a shag hair cut.” Well, that’s where you’re wrong because 1) I’m literally always right and 2) it’s not just limited to people with curly hair. The modern shag is an upgrade for all hair types, regardless of texture, because it’s a v different personalized look for everyone. You may swear off bangs every time you see your middle school yearbook photo, but guess what. They’re coming back, whether we like it or not, and since ‘tis the season for all that is basic, you’ll probs find yourself anxious to look like every other Insta model in your feed. Ask for the shag with choppy textured layers for an extra volumized edgy look this moody fall.
2. Dark And/Or LowLights
When I say new hair = new you, I don’t mean
go MIA for 3 years, erase all of your social media accounts, let out your teenage angst in a shitty pop song, and say the “old you is dead” pull a Taylor Swift and dye your hair black.
^^^How I picture Taylor rn. No but really, can someone see if she’s OK?
You don’t have to be so dramatic with a whole 360. If you have blonde hair and platinum highlights, cool the Barbie thing down with natural-looking lowlights. Opt for a warm chocolate to make your sun-kissed blonde pop. The color contrast kind of serves like a contour for your hair and provides tons of movement so it doesn’t look flat. For natural brunettes, cool down sandy browns or warm up black-ish tones with a spicy nutmeg shade. The rich color adds radiance to both your hair and face for a perf glow.
3. Not Your Grandma’s Gray, A Cool Gray
The hipster-y silver hair can honestly be really fucking fab, or just downright fugly. The cool toned look is really ideal if you’re super blonde and have no intentions of turning back to black. If you’re getting bored (and going broke) from all of your root and platinum retouches, consider asking for an icy blonde or white silver as a transition away from summer vacay vibes. It preps you for cardigans and boots without actually going dark. Who knew hiding real life gray preemies was considered trendy? Thank God. *nervously laughs* and then cries:
It sounds like a weird BJ trick Cosmo would advise involving an orange but, luckily it’s not. This hair trend can be done in multiple ways, especially one that best suits your natural hair color. Since fall is full of all things orange and pumpkin, it’s only natural that we consider dying our whole head the color of a fucking pumpkin spiced latte. If you’re on the blonder side, ask for super low-key orange-y pink lowlights. It’ll def add some color to your pasty white skin. If you’re on the reddish side already, swap out some blonde highlights for warm brown lowlights. The cinnamon look will make you crave Fireball way more than you already do when you’re blackout. That’s not true at all but, maybe if you just believe, it’ll work.
5. Heavy Bangs
I told you bangs were coming back, so don’t say I didn’t warn you. If done right, maybe you’ll finally look as skinny trendy as a Hadid. Maybe. This fall’s hair trend will def be focusing on bangs, and lots of them. If you’re feeling brave, ask for thick heavy bangs that fall right below your eyebrow for a clean polished style. If they’re too long in your face, you’ll end up looking like a serial killer. If they’re too short, you’ll look like a hipster. So really make sure you know what you want before you go in with this. This look is particularly flattering on rounder face shapes because they frame and slim down your face. Cheers to looking skinny without any form of exercise!!! Bonus points if you can ditch the layers for a blunt cut. A single layer makes your hair look fuller, healthier, and like, so badass.