At the risk of sounding like a jaded, overly-nostalgic millennial, I’d like to share this hot take with you: fall was better when the only pumpkin-themed things we lost our shit over were Pillsbury’s Ready to Bake sugar cookies with a jack-o-lantern design. In the last few years, we’ve gone from being a society that spent a little too much money on the occasional Pumpkin Spice Latte to a full-fledged cult that will go primal over anything that is even vaguely marketed as fall-adjacent. If you’ve recently started to feel suffocated by the volume of pumpkin things available for purchase at every retail store in the country, I’m going to do you a favor and narrow it down for you. Here’s which completely unnecessarily pumpkin flavored (or scented) thing you should purchase, based on your zodiac sign.
Aries: Pumpkin Spice Scented Build-A-Bear
As the first sign of the zodiac, Aries is both aggressive and childish, which means you’re always the first friend to suggest pickleback shots for the table at a nice sit-down dinner. This insane pumpkin spice scented (yes, scented) Build-A-Bear is right up your alley, because there’s truly nothing quite as on-brand for you as buying a scented plush toy and insisting that it’s innovative.
Taurus: An Absurdly Sized Vat of Pumpkin Body Wash
Picture this: you’re walking down the extremely cursed beauty aisle of TJ Maxx (I say this because I saw Rae Dunn nail wraps there last week), when you set your sights on a 32 ounce bottle of pumpkin scented body wash. Your roommate politely suggests that you’ll never use it all up before the end of November, and you literally sprout bull horns from the corners of your forehead. By the time you get to the cash register, your conscience is whispering, “maybe this is a stupid purchase,” but ultimately, your stubborn Taurus sun wins again.
Gemini: Pumpkin Spice Vodka
There is no delicate way to say this, so I do apologize, but Gemini… you are balls to the wall unhinged. Only you could let a trip to the liquor store for a semi-nice bottle of wine to pair with dinner go so far left that you end up walking out with a bottle of pumpkin Pinnacle under your arm instead.
Cancer: Pumpkin Face Mask
Oh, you sensitive, crabby little homebody. As the CEO of bailing on plans, there’s no better way for you to enjoy an autumnal scent than to slather a gooey pumpkin face mask all over your head while you watch Hocus Pocus for the 90th time this month.
Leo: Pumpkin Spice Deodorant
They sell pumpkin spice deodorant? Who the hell would buy that? Oh, right. A Leo, otherwise known as the only sign with enough self-confidence to invite a stranger to sniff their pits when asked, “Wow! What smells like pumpkin?!”
Virgo: Pumpkin Spice Dish Soap
Check in on your Virgo friends. In pursuit of a fall-themed impulse purchase that would make them feel joy, they ended up going the sensible route once again and getting pumpkin dish soap at Williams Sonoma, the second most adult store left standing in the mall, besides the place that sells geriatric sneakers.
Libra: Pumpkin Spice Latte Nail Polish Set
Nothing screams “I’m a Libra!” quite like a manicure that not only matches a seasonal aesthetic, but also requires approximately zero firm decisions to be made. No one can tell me that this trend of painting every nail a different color was not created by an indecisive Libra who just slapped the four most fall colors on their nails and successfully angled it as an intentional look.
Scorpio: Pumpkin Flavored Condoms That Don’t Even Exist
Remember when the internet thought that
— Emergent (@EmergentDotInfo) February 20, 2015
pumpkin flavored condoms were a thing? ‘Twas a cursed, yet unsurprising, day in history. An intense Scorpio would totally tell people they have pumpkin flavored condoms like, six whole years after that whole debacle, because they love to have weird inside jokes with themselves while the rest of us try to figure out even a shred of information about who they really are.
Sagittarius: Pumpkin Toaster Pop
Sagittarians are always on the go, which means it’s next to impossible to see a snack labeled as individually packaged and go on with their lives. Pumpkin pie toaster pastries are exactly the kind of thing you’ll buy on a whim during a Target blackout, only to shove in your purse and never eat because you’ll realize that actually sounds disgusting as soon as you come to. Have fun picking those sticky crumbs out of the corner of your bag in three months when the packaging inevitably rips.
Capricorn: Pumpkin Spice Hummus
Capricorns love to act like they’re so organized and disciplined, as if they’re absolved from all of the questionable things they do because they wrote them down in a planner first. Just because you’ve decided that you’re not like the other girls blowing paychecks on pumpkin stuff at Trader Joe’s that they’ll throw away as soon as they taste it doesn’t mean that the pumpkin spice hummus you impulsively tossed into your cart is actually a “healthy” purchase.
Aquarius: An Apple Cinnamon Candle in a Pumpkin Jar
Aquarians will turn anything into a conspiracy theory, even something as cut and dry as America’s obsession with pumpkin flavored things. If anyone catches one of these weirdos burning an apple-scented candle that comes in a jar shaped like a pumpkin, do yourself a favor and don’t ask them about it. Unless, of course, you want to spend 15 minutes hearing some ridiculous tale about why the government’s trying to control us via pumpkin spice fumes, and the only way to stay woke is to enjoy fall through less-popular, but obviously superior, apple scented things, instead.
Pisces: Pumpkin Spice Eyeshadow Palette
Is your Pisces friend 30 minutes late to the cider tasting your friend group has planned at a nearby apple orchard? I’ll bet you $10 it’s because they’re at home watching YouTube tutorials, trying to create the perfect autumnal makeup look with a Too Faced Pumpkin Spice Palette in the name of their own “art.”
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We’re currently at the height of spooky season, for more reasons than one. Sure, there are lots of autumnal vibes happening right now, but we’re also only a few weeks away from an election that’s been deemed a battle for the soul of America. Hard to get excited about Halloween when the real scary sh*t is going down on November 3rd.
Anyway, suffice it to say that it isn’t all leaf piles and pumpkin spice lattes and cozy sweaters this weekend. The planets are majorly f*cking with some of us, making tempers shorter than Trump’s ability to take COVID seriously. But thankfully, the stars may be able to offer some much-needed guidance about how to deal with whatever situation you find yourself in. Let’s dive right in.
It’s gearing up to be a tense f*cking weekend, Libra. Starting Friday evening you’ll be liable to snap at anyone, and anything, so it may be best to quarantine alone with some cozy pants, a bottle of wine, and a serial killer miniseries playing in the background. Take a breath and take your time; it’s just the planets, fam.
Try and leave the house and couch this weekend, Scorpio. You don’t need to plan a fall-fest-acular with pumpkin picking and apple orchards and leaf piles, though. Just make an effort to enjoy nature in whatever way you can. The moon is all like “explore things that aren’t the fridge, lol!” so maybe listen to that logic on Saturday. Sunday you can totally relax, but again, maybe do it outside the house.
Aww, the planets are about to catch you in a good mood this weekend, Sagittarius. If you’re looking to find love in quarantine, Saturday and Sunday look promising, so keep swiping. When your fingers are tired, use your energy to tackle some household chores and projects, like making your friends help you hang pictures and set up that extra TV.
Weeee, it’s an emotional rollercoaster, Capricorn! The planets are f*cking with your feelings from Friday night through Sunday morning, so don’t be surprised if you’re extra snippy and on the verge of tears simultaneously. If you can, head out for a glass of wine somewhere socially responsible just to get out of the house. A meetup with a close friend that you can complain to may help, too.
The moon wants you to take a long, hard look at your self-care routines, Aquarius. Are you spending half of your paycheck on skin and makeup stuff? Maybe it’s time to look into spending that cash on better food, instead? After all that soul searching, give yourself an opportunity to relax and rest by kicking your feet up, turning off your phone, and doing one of those cool but gross face masks that pull all the sh*t out of your pores.
Romance, ahoy, Pisces. Tis the perfect weekend to plan a date night with your sweetie. Chances are good that you’ll wake up together and not be mad about it. If you’re single, get to swiping or ask your besties if they have any not-weird, single friends. You’re also being influenced by the stars to get your creativity on this weekend, so maybe take up a new project like knitting an interesting scarf or making a sculpture out of rocks, idfk.
Holy ambition, batman. This weekend presents a great opportunity for you to get ahead on a work project, tackle a (small) home reno, or just do something you haven’t had the energy for (looking at you, upstairs guest room project). You’ll also be focused on your fam, so try and make time for a dinner together with people you love or just an hour block of FaceTime with your mom.
Time to explore yourself, Taurus. If you’ve felt insecure or unsure about who you are these days, this is a great weekend to embrace whatever-the-f*ck Venus is doing and do a deep dive into your feelings. Who are you? Who do you want to be? Are you truly happy with your job/life/partner? If not, change that sh*t. On Sunday, you’ll want to embrace home life with your S.O., so plan for a Netflix sesh and possible weirdness after, yay!
Listen to your gut this weekend, Gemini. The planets will be sending strong signals regarding your current life status, so pay attention. On top of all that, you’ll kiiiind of be in the mood to just be by yourself, so make time for quiet reading, solitude, and self-soothing. It’ll also be a good weekend to review your finances, so make time to read over your recent spending while amazing yourself at the number of times you can eat out in a week.
Uh oh, time to examine your relationships, Cancer. It may not be all bad though; take time to talk through some feelings with your partner over a nice dinner or during a nature walk when you aren’t gasping for breath. Sh*t, even going for a nice drive to stare at the changing leaves could be a fun and cliche way to chat about your wants and needs. It may be a tad exhausting emotionally, but your relationship will be better for it.
Express yourself, Leo. Although you can’t really go to the club and dance out your feelings, sketching or running or dancing alone in your apartment are great ways to relieve stress and get your creative juices flowing. Sunday you need to be careful of coming off brash and mean to other people, even if you feel like they deserve it.
Be f*cking nice, Virgo. The planets are putting you in a pissy mood, so be careful about what you say and how you say it. Even if you think you’re being funny, your comments could be cutting and put someone else in a sad place. That’s not nice. Solitude may be a good option if you can’t behave yourself, so throw on your sweats, relax, and yell at the TV instead.
Images: Giphy (12)
Well ladies, it is officially here: cuffing season. The one time of year when it is acceptable, nay necessary, for you to aggressively pursue a stable, loving, relationship to help you survive your seasonal depression the winter. But what should you look for in a winter bae? Well that depends, obviously, on the date and time of your birth as it corresponds to the position of the stars and planets in the sky. I’m talking about your zodiac sign, duh. Luckily, we have a cuffing season horoscope that will help guide you toward the fall relationship of your dreams. Follow this guide, and you might even meet someone you like enough to date into the spring. No guarantees on summer, though.
Virgo – The Actually Smart Fuckboy
You’re knocking it out of the park in anything school/learning related this fall, so just know you have no time for stupid bullshit. Instead of going for your usual dumb finance bro type, focus on someone who can actually keep up with you intellectually. You know, the type of guy who can participate in all your shit talking without having to constantly be reminded which Ashley you’re talking about. Basically, you have a meet-cute at a library in your future. Embrace it.
Libra – The Reliable Fuckboy
I know this is the last thing you want to hear, but it’s time for you to get serious. Don’t focus on partying. It’s get shit done season. That being said, you’re going to need a fuckboy who is reliable. Preferably he’ll have a car and an AirBnB account because you’re going to need some weekend getaways to balance out your work week. A reliable fuckboy with his own car and money for trips? Yeah, you’re basically looking for a unicorn. Better start searching ASAP.
Scorpio – The NSA Fuckboy
You are feeling confident af this fall, Scorpio. I mean, you’re always confident, but particularly so this cuffing season. This excess of confidence is going to attract a lot of eligible suitors, so the best move for you this cuffing season is simply not to participate. No cuffing for you. You don’t need it! Cuffing is for lonely people who are pissed because sweatpants are the only thing that fits them right now. That’s not you right now, Scorpio. Remember: “I go through guys like / Money flying out the hands / They try to change me. But they realize they can’t / And every tomorrow is a day I never plan / If you’re gonna be my man understand….I can’t be tamed.” – Miley Cyrus
Sagittarius – The Successful Fuckboy
You definitely want to be lazy and stay inside this fall, and honestly, you’re not wrong. TBH, you’re probably dying to get a head start on your summer body, and while I don’t blame you, maybe hold off on that until after Christmas. You know, long enough to rope someone into finding you physically attractive. With that in mind, you’re going to want to hook up with someone who will keep you motivated. Find someone who is killing it right now and latch on and use them as a life vest. Just be ready to do the same for them when fortunes shift.
Capricorn – The Hipster Fuckboy
You are feeling creative and artistic this fall, Capricorn, so it’s time to let go of the past and go with the flow. You’re going to need to cuff up with someone who will fan the flames of your creativity, so maybe a trip to Brooklyn (or your nearest hipster mecca) is in order. Scope out a local coffee shop or go to a reading (whatever that means) and find the scrawny hipster of your dreams. Once you find them, it’s Netflix and Chill all winter for you. Just know you will have to dedicate at least some of your alone time to listening to your new boo playing guitar.
Aquarius – The Kind Of Random Fuckboy
It’s try new things season, Aquarius, so it is time to diversify your dick portfolio. Now is not the time to be picky. Now is the time to leave caution to the wind and trust your vag heart. Basically, you’re ready to give your attention to anyone who you find even remotely interesting. Don’t limit yourself to your usual dating pool or hangouts. Branch out. Date someone under 6 feet. I know it sounds crazy, but it just might work out.
Pisces – The Non-Fuckboy Fuckboy
Grab a tissue, Pisces, because you’re about to catch feelings. It is flu season, after all. But don’t freak out—this isn’t a death sentence. It just means that you’re going to need to preemptively steer yourself in the direction of someone who isn’t going to ghost you. Put your red flag alert on high now to avoid the heartache later. Nobody wants to spend Christmas sadly posting fuckboy memes and thirst traps in hopes of getting some loser’s attention. Make sure that at the slightest hint of shadiness, you bolt before the feelings are able to take hold.
Aries – The Fuckboy Fuckboy
You don’t have the attention span for anything serious this fall. That’s why this cuffing season you need to seek out most fuckboyish fuckboy you can possibly find and bang him until one of you ghosts the other. No feelings, no drama, just a semi-regular dick appointment. When you guys get bored and decide to never talk again, just move onto the next one. I promise the type of man you’re looking for is in surplus these days.
Taurus – The Sex-Crazed Fuckboy
Damn Taurus, you’re loyal. But you’re also…how do I say this…looking to get fucked. No shame, girl. This is 2017. Ladies is freaks too. Time to grab the nearest person you’re attracted to and lock them down with some crazy marathon sex. Not only will it maintain your healthy glow as the Sun goes away, but the vigorous exercise will have stave off your winter weight. Lucky you.
Gemini – The Fuckboy Husband
You will be leaning into cuffing season hard this year, so don’t be surprised if you find out mid-January that your friends have started a separate group chat to talk about how lame you are now. Honestly, they’re just jealous of your joint Blue Apron account and newfound love of staying in on a Saturday night to re-watch the new Ken Burns Vietnam documentary. Sure, it sounds lame now, but soon you will become impervious to FOMO, so just double down and be thankful you found someone as into doing nothing as you are to spend the winter with.
Cancer – The Expendable Fuckboy
Danger! Alert! Attention, Cancer! Your OCD tendencies are going crazy this cuffing season, which puts you at risk of morphing into your craziest self dating-wise. Double texting, subtweeting, and general overreactions are all in your future. Honestly, there’s really nothing you can do but accept the crazy. You’ll get over it eventually, and find yourself laughing your ass off mid-June when you run into your former fuckboy at a bar and have to say, “Haha sorry for the time I broke into your house. So random.”
Leo – The Fuckboy & All His Friends
September and October are going to be especially busy party months for you. Maybe some people you know are getting married, maybe you’re just looking good af and want to be seen. Either way, you will be out and about, so don’t let yourself settle into a regular thing too soon. You’re on fire, and a significant other will just slow you down. Whatever you’re doing romantically, keep it on the DL. You don’t need all the guys you’re juggling to know you’re juggling them.