Sure, Ivanka is the hottest Trump, but she also looks like a barbie-robot brought to life by an IV of white wine spritzer. I would feel bad for reducing her to her looks but I just straight up don’t I don’t because she is literally the worst. Ivanka is faker than that knock-off Coach purse your cousin got you for secret santa, or that spray tan your aunt insists is “natural” in the dead of winter. Literally every time Ivanka opens her mouth, or in most cases, takes to Twitter, she has some fake shit to say about an issue she clearly doesn’t GAF about. We rounded up the top 5 fakest moments of Ivanka’s hopefully soon to be over career. We suggest you put on some sunglasses for this to avoid the glare of the cold, shiny, hard plastic you are about to witness.
The Oprah Tweet
We’ll start with the latest and greatest. Ivanka tweeted out some praise for Oprah after her Golden Globes speech, and even added a #TimesUp hashtag. Let’s unpack here. First of all, the second coming of Christ Oprah’s speech blatantly threw shade at Trump. Pretty sure it’s not part of your fake job to join in on shit-talking your boss, leave that to the actual decent humans, please and thank you. Second, this tweet came after a day of news reporting that Oprah may be running for prez in 2020. This is literally the best news we’ve ever heard, but Trump Daddy’s little girl should not be publicly supporting it. Lastly, it is LOL that Ivanka thinks she can use the #TimesUp hashtag while working for a literal alleged sexual assaulter. GTFO of here.
Literally Anytime She Talks About Women’s Issue
Wow, great segway by me. Pretending to care about the #TimesUp movement isn’t the first time Ivanka has spewed her fake feminism to get some RTs. Just to recap, Ivanka is one of Trump’s “advisors,” aka she has no real job and is just using the fact that her dad wants to fuck her in order to move up in the political world because apparently nepotism is low-key legal now. We would appreciate that kind of shadily strategic move if she wasn’t supporting a pussy-grabbing, less hot oompa loompa while pretending to be a feminist. She’s constantly going on about equal pay, maternity leave, and other feminist issues, and then – in classic Trump form – not doing shit about it. She literally works for an administration that wants to take away women’s reproductive rights. Until that changes, we got nothing but side eye for you, Ivanka.
The Tweet To Meghan Markle and Prince Harry
Okay, this one is just sloppy. Ivanka tweeted to the newly engaged royal couple in what can only be described as the most transparent beg for an invite since that time I kept liking my high school enemy’s Instagram posts in hopes that she would invite me to her open bar holiday party. Rumor has it the royal couple doesn’t want the Trumps at their wedding and clearly Ivanka is thirsty for a Save the Date. Maybe next time try something more subtle, like not being a garbage human who doesn’t deserve an invite in the first place.
The LGBTQ Tweet
Ivanka tweeted out some support to her supposed LGBTQ friends in June, and it came back to haunt her in July when her dad literally banned Transgender people from the military. Clearly Ivanka doesn’t really care about LGBTQ issues, she just wants support from the LGTBQ community. Sorry, honey, this isn’t a 90’s rom-com where the white girl gets to use her gay BFF as an accessory in a shopping montage.
Wearing Her Company’s Clothing During Political Events
Again with the transparent dumbassery. Ivanka has been using her public platform to promote her fugly clothing line, and it’s a clear violation of the ethics program which states that you are not allowed to use your government position for private gain. And yet, here Ivanka is, publicly modeling some shit that even Nordstrom refuses to sell. It’s almost like she spends so much time surrounded by dumbasses that she has forgotten that not everyone is a legit idiot. We see you, girl. And honestly, you should try Sears.
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Brace yourself, betches, because Valentine’s Day is coming up and with it the most annoying social media posts since the #100HappyDays challenge. There’s nothing worse than couples posting about their love, especially because we all know the more relationship photos you see someone post, the shittier their relationship actually is. To prep you for the flurry of #bae posts, here’s our list of the corniest shit you’ll see on social media this Feb 14th. Sorry, but your love is not original.
1. Candlelit Dinner For Two On Instagram
Oh wow, so your Valentine’s Day plans consisted of reenacting every 90’s pop song about love? I mean, if you’re going to do this we won’t judge (that’s a lie), but posting it on Insta like we’re supposed to swoon over your relationship is corny as hell. #Boring #YouBarelyTried #HalfOfYourDinnerWasSpentThinkingOfaGoodHashtag
2. A Super Long Post On Facebook About Your #Bae Detailing All The Times He’s “Been There” For You
It usually starts something like “Okay, normally I don’t post things like this, but I want to talk about someone truly special to me.” And then it goes on, and on, and on… If you read the subtext in here there’s usually a fuck you to an ex masqueraded as a “I thought I could never love again, but he showed me that there ARE good guys out there”. Too bad I don’t have someone special to hold my hair back while I vomit.
3. Going To See Some Hard-To-Get-Into Show Or Concert
Posting a photo from the front row at Hamilton with your boo. Wow, how lucky of you to find someone who enjoys the same things as you, and by same things we mean one of the most popular shows ever. Now, if you were both enjoying a Guy Fieri restaurant together, we’d be surprised, because we don’t know anybody who likes that.
4. Posting A “Dear _____” On His Wall Like You’re Talking Only to Him.
Unless the person you’re dating is only accessible via Facebook wall, which um, we hate to break it to you but you’re probably not even really dating, then any “Dear ___” post is so obviously there for your friends to read it that it’s thirsty AF. If you really wanted to let him know how you feel, you’d probably tell him in person, or text, or I mean, even email is more private than a Facebook post. Much like public Facebook eulogies to your late Grandpa, this type of post is best expressed in private.
5. Posting A Galentine’s Girls Pic
We get it, you’re an independent woman and you don’t need a bro. Here’s a tip, the louder you say “I’m fine” the less people will believe you. Plenty of betches are single and killin’ it, but dragging your girls night out through the social media sphere for your exes to see is sadder than that Sarah McLaughlin commercial with the puppies.
6. A Photo Of Something “Artistic”, Like You Two Holding Hands
A post of hands touching, or just your knees, or something equally nauseating belongs in a sixth grader’s Tumblr and nowhere else.
7. Baby Photos Of Each Other
When a couple posts baby photos of each other, what they’re really saying is, “I’m having sex with this person who used to be this baby.” It’s deeply uncomfortable for everyone else on social media. We get that you think they’re adorable and maybe you’re even trying to not-so-subtly hint at getting married and having babies together one day, but ugh. Please don’t make us think of you two babies making out.
8. A Clearly Staged Photo Of Two People Making Out Or Looking Into Each Other’s Eyes
Unless you’re Beyoncé with a camera crew following you around to document your life for your fans, there’s no way that photo of you two looking deep into each other’s eyes was candid. When has anyone ever stopped in the middle of a truly intimate moment and thought, “WAIT, we need to get this on camera!” Never, that’s the answer.
9. Song Lyrics Coupled With Anything.
Are you “drunk in love” or is this “hands down the best night I can ever remember”? Your love is so original you needed to appropriate a pop song to describe it to others on your social media feed. This is the definition of corny.
10. Telling Social Media You Love Each Other Before Telling Each Other
If the first time you’re saying “I love you” to each other is for likes, that’s corny. What’s that wedding going to look like? Live streamed on Facebook?
