Over the past couple weeks, President Cheeto and his loyal band of cronies have really thrown this whole country, fuck—the whole world, for a loop. There’s the whole immigration ban thing, and the fact that all of his cabinet nominees are as qualified for their jobs as that time your sorority lush ran for risk management chair. But one of my personal faves (and by faves I mean how tf is this even real rn) is Kellyanne Conway and her alternative facts.
If you’ve been living under a rock, this whole alternative facts business came to be when Kellyanne told a reporter that one of the press secretary’s blatant lies—in this case, that the size of Emperor Velveeta’s inauguration crowd was yuge, the biggest crowd ever—wasn’t a lie, but rather an alternative fact. Lol, what? Now, the fact that a counselor to the leader of the free world is saying this is v alarming. But for a betch, the term alternative fact is low-key the greatest thing to ever happen. I can imagine the Real Housewives screaming it on the reunion couches as we speak. So without further ado, here are our top 10 lies that we’re now deeming alternative facts. You’re Fucking. Welcome.
1. Pizza Is Really Good For You
Congress long ago declared pizza to be a vegetable—thanks, Congress! Scientists are still gathering evidence on the link between pizza consumption and IQ level, but since we’re living in Trump’s alternate reality let’s just go ahead and assume that pizza is also empirically considered to be knowledge.
2. Watching Netflix While Your Boss Isn’t Looking Will Earn You That Promotion
People like to work with people they can relate to. While you’re at it, you should probably accidentally drunk text your boss to “come overrrrr.”
3. Going To The Gym Will Make You Fatter
It’s like this: only fat people expend effort at the gym to stay skinny, ergo, going to the gym makes you fat. You should just go home and watch a Vanderpump Rules marathon.
4. You Can Totally Afford To Order Seamless Every Night
You make a whopping $40K before taxes so like, live it up. Speaking of taxes, the president doesn’t even pay his, so why should you?
5. Hangovers Aren’t Real
Much like the melting polar ice caps and racism, hangovers are just a figment of the liberal media’s imagination. Drinking your weight in wine and/or vodka isn’t going to make you do regrettable things or feel like shit tomorrow, so drink up.
6. Vodka Is A Vegetable
Vodka is distilled from potatoes. Potatoes are a vegetable. Therefore, vodka is officially salad. And if you’ve combined it with pizza? You’re practically burning calories. Furthermore, as we’ve previously discussed, it will not give you a hangover. So if you need me, I’ll be hooking myself up to a vodka IV drip.
7. If You Leave Your Laundry Alone Long Enough, It Will Wash And Fold Itself
It’s just like your mom always said: You need to wait for the magical laundry fairies to take care of it for you, you lazy piece of shit.
8. He Isn’t Texting You Back Because He Lost His Phone
Actually, it broke. He dropped it down the toilet. After he downloaded a virus that made his replies to you—and only to you—mysteriously not send. Really, he just got scared by how hard he fell for you. And who wouldn’t, when you’re so intimidatingly beautiful?
9. Your Ex Will Wake Up Tomorrow And Realize How Much He Fucked Up
Expect a long, detailed, almost poetic apology detailing all the ways in which he didnt appreciate you, as well as a promise that no one will ever measure up to you. He’ll close with an admission that he will be living a lifetime of regret.
10. This Really Is Just A Horribly Vivid Nightmare, And We’ll All Wake Up Any Minute Now
And Hillary will be president. Or Bernie. Or Elizabeth Warren. Or even Romney, shit. McCain?