Don’t you just hate when you wake up on a Friday morning after
ten three vodka sodas the night before, looking like the crypt keeper and having 20 minutes to get your shit together and get to work? This is my daily struggle. Tbh there are very few things in this world that I appreciate more than products that are designed to help me drink/make me look good while I’m drinking/cover up the fact that I have been drinking. But Too Faced is about to have a seat at The Plastics’ table because they’re set to release a beauty product that helps hide your hangovers. Not all heroes wear capes, people. The Hangover 3-in-1 Primer and Setting Spray (Jesus, that’s a mouth full) will be included in Too Faced’s fall beauty collection launching this June.
The fall collection will also feature, what else, more new additions to the Unicorn Tears franchise because apparently that trend will never die.
The goal of the Hangover spray is to revive your skin, leaving you fresh-faced and glowing. The ultra-fine mist is infused with hydrating coconut water and probiotics to keep your skin moisturized throughout all the shit you put it through. At its core the product is a priming mist that you can use before applying makeup, to set your finished look, or to just spritz it on if you want your face to spell like a piña colada. Because bonus: it smells like my spring break trip to Cabo minus the body shots and tequila.
I’m torn because on the one hand, Too Faced is supporting the unicorn trend enough so that they’re trying to make this still a thing come fall, which on principle I cannot stand by. But on the other hand, they’re actually saving lives with this hangover primer and setting spray. Who am I kidding, come June I’ll be in line with the rest of the basics because I’d rather buy a beauty product than, say, fix my
drinking social habits.
We’ve already established that Easter is pretty lit as far as holidays go. I mean how can you not love a holiday that’s based around brunch, chocolate appetizers, and talking about the dudes in your life who sacrifice things for you? TBH it’s what I was planning to do on Sunday anyway.
Easter is also the one holiday in which a lonely boy from Brooklyn gets to dress like an Upper East Sider and no one can talk shit about it. Seriously it’s like Easter is low-key sponsored by Lily Pulitzer and the guy who went to formal with me one year who tried to bring back visors.
And because people think they can live above their station and embrace their inner Gossip Girl, they try and get bold with their beauty looks. Whether it’s to personally offend their grandmothers at church or to show their ex-boyfriend from high school that they’re still hot AF (I’m going with the latter) the extras of the world will be doing the most this Sunday so brace yourselves. If you’re reading this right now and questioning if you too are a little extra then you probably are and I will be judging you. But it doesn’t have to be that way! Here are some dos and don’ts for looking extra on Easter:
DO: Go For The Subtle, Natural Face Makeup
The goal of Easter is to look virginal and innocent and not like the orange juice in your hand rn is 90% Champagne. This is so Jesus and your mother can rest easy knowing that they didn’t sacrifice everything for the type of person who likes to black out on Thursdays and only uses the term “Jesus Christ” when they wake up in a hideous stranger’s bed. And nothing says “I didn’t give it up my first week of college” than a fresh-faced look. Stick to concealer and a light foundation for your face makeup and use cream blushes in warm peaches or pinks to give your skin that subtly flushed look. Top off the look with neutral eye shadows to give off some I-woke-up-like-this vibes.
DON’T: Show Up With A Full-On Contoured Face
The last thing I want to fucking see at 9am mass is your contoured face while I’m trying not to look hungover AF in front of my grandmother. It’s not what I want and it’s not what Jesus would have wanted either. Keep that shit for your Instagram story where it belongs.
DO: Make A Statement With Your Sunglasses
If there was ever a time to have an Olsen twins moment it’s Easter fucking Sunday. Not only do statement sunglasses hide your disdain for your ex’s new girlfriend and her tacky-ass floral dress, but they’ll also make you look chic and put together.
DON’T: Show Up In A Floppy Fucking Hat
Outside of the beach or your travel Instagram account, floppy hats are not fucking okay to wear. First of all, it’s impractical. Unlike your sunnies, which will block out the sun and all the haters, floppy hats don’t block shit and only accentuate your RBF. Which is great for intimidating new members at the sisterhood beach retreat, but on Easter will probs have your mom threatening to take away your extra data plan.
Secondly, wearing a floppy hat is just fucking rude. As someone who barely gets above five feet wearing four-inch heels I already can’t see shit in a group sitting setting. Throw in a floppy hat and you’re just telling me to go fuck myself because I’m now going to spend the next 60 minutes staring at the back of your fucking hat instead of making eyes with the cute guy in the pew a few rows over. It’s sabotage and it’s going in my personal burn book.
DO: Wear A Bold Lip
If you’re feeling the urge to piss off your mother be bold with your look then my advice is to channel your inner Blair Waldorf and get bold with your lip game. While the dark, vampy lip color we know and love is usually our go-to, stick to the pinks and reds for Easter. It’s classic and because it’s on the pink/red color wheel your mom can’t say shit about it. Blessings.
DON’T: Get Bold With Your Eye Makeup
Now is not the time to try out a makeup trend that will have your priest questioning if you have conjunctivitis. This just screams “I’m an attention whore” and not in a cute way. Seriously, mass is only 60 minutes long. I need that time to thank Jesus for his sacrifices and also get his thoughts on this guy I’ve been seeing who “doesn’t like labels.” I don’t need to spend those precious moments trying not to go into a rage blackout.
Are you bummed about everything happening in the world right now? Is it cold? Are Trump’s alternative facts weighing you down? No worries. Since the great US of A is built on the foundations of consumerism, maybe it’s time you buy yourself some shit. But not just any shit. Shit to make yourself look pretty. And therefore feel better. Kind of? I guess?
Here are some spring beauty launches to get you through the cold of winter and the nightmare that lays ahead. Some of them are already available for purchase, some are coming out soon. Godpseed!
1. Stila Heaven Hue Highlighter in Kitten
The cult eyeshadow color, Kitten, is finally available as a highlighter. It only took them like 10 fucking years, but w/e.
2. Urban Decay’s Urban Defense Complexion Primer
As part of their Spring 2017 launch, Urban Decay put out a bunch of new products that help your skin. Not only will this primer make your pores look almost nonexistent (I mean, almost. No one’s perfect except maybe me.) It also has SPF which you need so you don’t get wrinkly and disgusting.
3. Julep Love Your Bare Face Detoxifying Cleansing Stick
If you don’t want to put face wash on your hands, here’s a stick. Congrats. (Read: this is great to use when drunk and/or hungover because during both of those times, washing your face in the sink is the hardest task you’ll ever fail to do.)
4. Murad MattEffect Blotting Perfector
A “liquid” blotting compact might sound backwards (like, why would I want to put more moisture on my already oily face LOL?) but WRONG. One swipe of this and your face is instantly matte again.
5. OUAI Dry Shampoo Foam
Again, putting more liquid into your already greasy hair sounds like a bad idea right? Well, not according to the experts at OUAI. Apparently this stuff, which was released earlier this month, is like regular dry shampoo on crack. Say crack again.
6. Glamglow Firming Treatment Sonic Blue Mask
A limited edition mask inspired by Sonic the Hedgehog (TBT, but nerdy). It does definitely make you look like you’re part of the Blue Man Group, though, so I suggest doing it in a locked room. Alone.
7. Benefit GALifornia Blush
Benefit’s anticipated new Box o’ Blush won’t be here until March, but with its warm golden hues and vanilla/grapefruit scent, p sure it’ll be worth the wait. P sure.