There’s a little motto I go by when I need to remind myself that less is almost always better. You know, it goes something like “one tequila, two tequila, three tequila, more…” Yeah, it’s all fun and games until Jose fucks up your life after like, just a few
minutes hours. However, there are exceptions to this concept when it comes to the finer things in life: late night pizza MAKEUP. You can never have too much of the stuff that turns you from 2009 Kylie to 2017 Kylie. Never underestimate the power of plastic surgery good lipstick and don’t ever let anyone tell you differently. Speaking of poppin’ lipstick, we’ve been through not one, but three weeks of Sephora Weekly Wow sales. If you thought they were good before, you have another thing coming to you this fourth week. Bless your daddy’s heart credit card because everything in this week’s Weekly Wow is…..wait for it, drum roll please….. $15 and under. Just fuck me up, Sephora. From Tarte’s lip collection to Benefit Cosmetics mascara and even more Urban Decay goodies, start racking up those beauty insider points with these products before they sell out in like, an hour.
I am literally so picky with my mascara, it’s really not okay. I’m talking worse than my disgustingly complicated Starbucks order. Side note: Shout out to the baristas who put up with petty bullshit. Irregardless, I was not content with any overpriced mascara until I tried this beauty. This mascara really gives your eyes the dramatic length of questionably fake lashes after just a few coats. Its customized brush is designed to make even the smallest of lashes look perfectly curled, defined, thick, and long af. The mascara comes in three colors: black, brown, and “beyond blue,” but maybe you should stick with the first two if you don’t want anyone questioning your sanity (more than they already do).
These conditioning lip glosses soften your lips for smooth application and deliver super pigmented color so it doesn’t feel like an ordinary chapstick you could have bought at Duane Reade. They hydrate fugly chapped lips and leave a shiny finish without feeling like your lips are stuck together every time you rub them. There’s a variety of must-have nudes to the sultry dark purple everyone is wearing nowadays.
Finally, a lightweight matte drying lipstick that doesn’t make your lips feel like fucking leather after two seconds. *cough* *cough* Kylie. This quick drying lip paint is a liquid-to-matte lipstick so 1) it doesn’t smear all over and/or get on your front teeth, and 2) you can have the liberty (and relief) of moving your mouth without your skin cracking.
Choose from pinks to browns to bright fuchsia, apply with the little wand, and have a drunk makeout sesh without making a fool of yourself. Miracle.
And next, we have the glow-up of the matte lipstick: the velvet lip. This formula feels like your average lipstick but instead dries as a softer, smoother, enhanced matte. The ultra creamy lip paint comes in neutral or v bold choices including psychopath black and something called “Yaasssss”—no, I’m not encouraging this decision, that’s just literally the name of their lavender shade.
All six of these heaven-sent eyeshadow primers qualify for this week’s Weekly Wow. So I don’t
waste my time typing the same paragraph six times sound like a broken record, I’m only going to describe this once, as if the name alone doesn’t give it away. These eyeshadow primers glide on smoothly to keep your eyelids oily- and crease-free and enhance your eyeshadow shade for a full 24 hours. Because Urban Decay understands we all have like, different eyes and weird eye problems, there are six primer potions to choose from, each catering to a different need. To start, this OG of the bunch dries clear and allows you to blend with ease so no one knows you may have done your makeup while slightly intoxicated.
This primer delivers the same smooth application, but in a simple nude shade. The matte drying primer helps reduce redness around the eyes, hiding the fact that you clearly stayed out until 5am (again). The neutral color blends in so well, you can even wear it as an eyeshadow if you’re really that fucking lazy (like, same here).
The primer potion comes in a warm brown that works perfectly for deeper skin tones and is a long-lasting primer that stays smudge-proof. It preps your eyelids by smoothing out uneven texture and really intensifies brown eyeshadow shades for a bolder look.
No one wants to say they had 10 plastic surgeries in a single day before they turned 25 (@HeidiPratt). I get it, Urban Decay obviously fucking gets it, which is why they created one of their famed primers specifically to hide the fact that we age. Formulated with special anti-aging ingredients, this primer eliminates horrifying wrinkles and tightens the skin around your eyes so you basically never look like you’re slowly dying—even if you feel like it. Its unique pigments brighten your eyes for an alert appearance and reduce swelling to ensure you never look a day over 21.
This primer is actually the best one yet. Not only is it a limited-edition warm beige, but 100 percent of the proceeds go to selected women’s empowerment nonprofits. So like, now you really have to buy this and no one can say shit about it because you’re honestly helping a really good cause, damn it. Say it with me (and Bey), WHO RUN THE WORLD?!
Oh, here’s the primer:
10. Urban Decay Eyeshadow Primer Potion – Sin
Yes, a primer infused with glittery shit is also an option. This pale nude comes with a shimmer finish that stays put all day long and elevates lame matte shades with a pop of sparkle. Glitter is always better, don’t even deny it. You can even wear it alone for a sophisticated champagne look when you’re really too hungover to function and already running late for brunch.