Because I consider myself a very ~edgy~ and ~trendy~ grown-up, I decided to try out this new and cutting-edge eyebrow trend called Halo Brows. I’m not a regular adult. I’m a cool adult. Halo Brows were invented by gorgeous 16-year-old makeup artist Hannah Lyne (@hannahdoesmakeupp). Why do literal children do their makeup better than me? That is the real question here.
The important thing to note with the Halo Brows is that you’re not just taking powder and drawing half an oval connecting them. It’s supposed to somehow look like hair, requiring taking a pencil and drawing in short feathery strokes to mimic hair all the way around. I tried to direct the ends of my eyebrows upward as to put the focus on the halo. I don’t like putting tons of makeup on my face, and I feel like this FOR SURE will make me break out. I don’t even like wearing foundation unless it’s an emergency that concealer won’t fix. I kept the rest of my makeup clean because the focus is obviously on what’s going on above my eyes.
I just noticed I also kinda fucked it up, and it looks more like a rectangle. Unfortunately, user error is not the worst part here.
While it may look like a fucking unibrow on my forehead, you’re wrong.
It’s so much worse than that.
At least a unibrow seems like it may be an accident, like maybe you don’t know this is gross and you should groom yourself, or you don’t know how. This is very intentional and hideous, but who am I to judge?
I wore the look out in public just to gauge some reactions. I know, they should award me a medal for my bravery.
Now, first of all, I live in Hollywood, and even with this fucking eyebrow (literal, ONE giant eyebrow), I barely turned heads because there are so many weirder looking people than me walking around. Also, I currently have green hair, so I feel like people expect very little from me visually. Also, it was raining, and it’s always fun to ask yourself, “What if my huge eyebrow melts down my face?”
People on the street definitely stared, and my homeless friend Peter pretended not to know me (fucking rude), but no one said anything at first. I went to my favorite coffee shop, and some bro in line said to me, “Hey, you have something on your forehead.”
Like. Thank you sir. What would we do without men?
I pretended not to know what he was talking about. Of course, he continued to try to elaborately mansplain to me what was on my face. I really, really hope he thinks my eyebrows just grew in this way.
Another girl stopped me to tell me how much she loved it, but it was obviously in a way like she feels sorry for me and wanted to make me think it was fine. Whatever, Regina George.
Since I don’t have a real office job, I decided to take this shit further to social media to really gauge what people think. Here are some highlights:
“No.”
“Hell no.”
“Awful.”
“Sorry, love you and all, but no it does absolutely nothing for you!”
“Why not do unibrows? They are way more attractive.”
“Not far enough! Keep going so they connect under the nose for the full-on Mr. Terrific look!”
“Hate but for some reason u pull off well.” (My friends are so supportive.)
“Seriously???? The hipsters have gone too far.”
“I think the millennials are just trying to fuck with the old folks now lol.”
All in all, I think if you try to be really high fashion and edgy and you really want negative attention, go ahead and try the Halo Brows. I also suggest trying to dress slutty to distract from your face. For the rest of us, just do your eyebrows properly, and let’s not add excess hair to our faces. Hannah, sweetie, you are so good at makeup, please don’t bring shit like this into the world. Kthanks.
Images: Author; Giphy
This is why we can’t have nice things. Somebody on Instagram got bored and decided to start a new brow trend that makes your eyebrows look like Will Ferrell’s character from Zoolander. They’re calling it barbed wire brows, which isn’t exactly a sexy sounding name either. Sure, because we want to think of coarse and sharp metal when we think of our faces. What’s going to be next, freckles that look like stalagmites? Oh wait. We already have freckle tattoos, so pretend I never said that.
Unfortunately the barbed wire brow isn’t the first brow of its kind. The feathered brow—literally separating your eyebrows down the middle so they look like two feathers above your eyes—has been making the Instagram rounds as well, and our first instinct was to look for Sarah McLaughlin so we could donate to the charity behind this “trend”. Because surely nobody would willingly make their eyebrows look like that unless they were born with some rare eyebrow deformity, right? But nope, there was no GoFundMe to speak of, just an overly confident makeup artist on the other end who is trying to ruin our lives with fugly brow trends.
It’s like somebody watched The Hunger Games and saw how people in the Capitol dressed and thought that’s the epitome of beauty. We love Elizabeth Banks and all, but we’re not about to live in a future where the beauty standard is clown casual.
We can get down with thick brows, but brows that look like they belong in a Coachella headband are not a good look. Sorry, but those barbed brows make your face look like a 8-year-old’s science fair project. What’s next, wearing fake eyelashes on your eyebrows? Brow extensions? Beaded brows? Never mind, forget we even said that.
Nothing tells the story of your face more than your eyebrows do. Eyebrows are the window to your (black) soul. If you’re hearing this concept for the first time then wow congratulations, what is it like to be totally inattentive to current events? Anyway, if you were born with shitty eyebrows, or if you are still suffering from the aftermath of a waxing incident in 2004, then you probably find eyebrows to be a point of stress for you. You must wake up every morning and draw them on with an eyebrow pencil, or fill them in with a pomade or powder. And if you do neither of those things and just wake up, say “fuck it” and walk out the door, then you are a brave, brave idiot. I say “brave” because it takes guts to enter the world looking like Alison Pill (if you don’t know who that is Google it), and I say “idiot” because your dumbass must be unaware that there’s help out there for you. It’s called microblading. No need to Google that since I’m about to tell you everything you need to know about what microblading is and if you should do it or nah.
When you’ve tried every goddamn pencil, powder, pigment, gel, stencil, ancient tribal chant, prayer, etc. and your brows still suck, it’s time to look at a more permanent solution to thin or shitty brows. Microblading is a semi-permanent brow tattoo procedure that will change your life. Don’t let the concept of a tattoo on your face freak you out. Unlike a regular tattoo, microblading is a form of tattooing where a trained artist uses a handheld tool instead of a machine. They draw hairlike strokes to mimic what your brows would look like if they were fuller. The result, if done right, looks natural and will be the only tattoo you don’t regret getting. Unlike those freckle tattoos.
Freckle Tattoos Are The Latest Beauty Trend For Those Looking To F*ck Up Their Face
As always, when it comes to any sort of elective procedure on your face, vet the fuck out of your microblading expert. An experienced and legit technician should have previous photos of his/her work available for you to look at. Like these:
If you still have questions, hopefully the following fake Q&A session I put together with myself will soothe you.
Does Microblading Hurt?
It feels like a more mild tattoo. If you’ve never gotten a tattoo, then the pain can be equated to getting flicked with a rubber band over and over again. So yeah, it hurts. But there’s always Vicodin.
Will I Look Like This?
I certainly hope not.
How Does The Tech Determine The Shape Of Your Brows?
The technician will take six measurements on your brow bone using a specialized protractor (shouts out to Geometry) made just for microblading procedures.
You should be as communicative as possible with your technician about the results you want. It’s never a bad idea to bring in some photos of brows you admire.
How Long Does It Take To Get Your Brows Done?
About one and a half hours to two hours, depending on how fucked up your brows are. No offense.
How Long Does Microblading Last?
One to one and a half years depending on how you take care of your skin. Use SPF and moisturize to extend the life of the results.
How Much Does Microblading Cost?
The first session costs anywhere from $700 to $900 dollars, but people usually end up getting at least one small touch-up after the first six months. (In other words, if your technician is telling you she can do you brows for $150, run.)
Is There Any Down Time?
Unfortunately, you will not be able to call in “sick” to work like you did when you got your “deviated septum fixed.” There’s no down time with microblading. You might be a little red, but you can resume your daily life right after the procedure is done.
