Everyone’s back in town for the holidays, and you know what that means: ex sex texts. Exsexts, if you will. But even if you don’t receive the preemptive “You gonna be in town?” messages, that’s no guarantee you won’t end up in the wrong place at the wrong time and then doing the wrong thing, naked (or not), in your childhood bedroom. And it’s hard to think of something more wrong than that.
How will you navigate the treacherous Turkey Day time, toeing the line between drinks and dick, bars and bros, nostalgia and NOPE? Don’t worry, we’ve got you covered.
Avoid Your Local Haunts
This may seem like a given, but when you’re three rum and cokes deep and your best friend says you should “Drop by the Golden Tee, for old time’s sake!”, you’ll probably forget your old haunt is the graveyard (dive bar) where your ghosts (of partners past) get ghoulish (shitfaced). And it’s not Halloween anymore, hun, so stop starring in your own hangout horror show. Unless you think these ghosts are buying—apology appletinis are definitely “of the season.”
Change Your Instagram Photo to nEXt with the EX Crossed Out
This will send a clear message and not make it seem like you’re considering sleeping with your ex at all, no matter how many apology appletinis he purchases on your behalf. It also doubles as a cute homage to the MTV show your hometown friends will remember fondly and your Chronically Online™ younger friends will pretend they didn’t binge watch when they were home sick from school. It will also provide you and your girlies’ attitude for the evening: next drink, next bar, next awkward encounter with your best friend’s ex, reminding you that everyone is someone’s ex.
Only Wear Sky Crocs
Not only will you appear blasé, unconcerned, and unfuckable, you’ll be walking on air—literally (metaphorically). If you haven’t committed to being 100% undesirable, you can opt for the high-heeled version, but remember: you will be drinking and you will fall down. Just try to make sure you don’t fall into your pick-canopied childhood bed with your ex who probably won’t have a condom because he “hasn’t been excited about anyone since you” and “can pull out without ruining your pink bedspread.” Right.
Oh, Boy, What Else… Maybe… Start Your Period?
Doesn’t the body have a natural response to shutting down your ex or something? Won’t you just start bleeding so you have no choice but to deny your ex the back-in-town booty? Oh, wow, you were on your period last time you were in town and that’s where the giant stain on your childhood sheets came from? Because you… oh — you fucked your ex while on your period in your childhood bed. Well, disregard this, then.
Y’know What? Fuck It—Fuck Him
Look, you’re an adult. You know the repercussions and if you’ve been thinking about doing it this much, well, then, why deny yourself? You’re rarely in town and it doesn’t have to turn into “a thing” if you don’t want it to. You’ve been going to therapy and establishing healthy boundaries in the other sects of your life, why can’t you do it here, too, Janelle? Are you afraid it will turn into “a thing”? Or are you more afraid it won’t? What do you really want here? Do you want him to take responsibility for his wasted life puttering around your hometown and the way he discarded you for greener pastures, a.k.a., younger pussy, because he hasn’t dealt with his traumas and is afraid to delve into the core of his problems and instead regressed into a 24-year-old (literally)? Well, uh… just know he’ll probably never change. And he’ll probably recognize the stained sheets in your childhood bedroom. So.
This holiday season, enjoy your old stomping grounds, even if you do end up fucking your ex in your childhood bedroom. Hopefully it wasn’t as dry as your dad’s turkey dinner or as sour as your sister’s cranberry sauce.
Images: Boris Jovanovic /Stocksy.com
Some days you wake up, and you dream of doing good for the world. Volunteering at an animal shelter, donating canned goods to a local food bank, or giving a pity like to that girl who posts inspirational quotes. You just feel like doing the right thing. And other days? Well, other days you just kinda wanna f*ck sh*t up. What can I say? Life can get dull. Drama is fun. Sue me (actually, don’t. I’m in no way capable of entering a courtroom without quoting Legally Blonde and shouting “YOU BITCH,” and I feel like it just won’t go well for any of us).
Anyway, while adding more drama to your wedding (which is sure to be an already drama-filled day) might seem like a Nightmare Dressed Like A Daydream, it’s your day, dammit! And by God, if you want drama, There. Will. Be. Drama. So, sit back, relax, and add the following guests to your invite list. We’re sure you have the extra space in your venue, seating chart, and budget.
The Person He Used To Sleep With
Whether she was a one-night stand, a FWB situation, or a fling, everyone knew the two of them weren’t “studying” for finals together in the library. While they were never officially official, they were official enough to know what each other’s genitals look like, and that’s good enough for you. Whether you’re anxious for her to see the body you’ve been working on since saying “yes” in your custom gown, or you’re eager to watch her face fall during the first dance, drama is sure to surround her from her seat at the sh*ttiest reception table near the bathrooms and beyond.
The Person You *Think* He Used To Sleep With
It’s never been confirmed, but something about the chemistry they have has always made you wonder, and that kinda makes it even more infuriating. The hat stealing. The beer pong pairing. The big bear hugs that used to linger just a second too long. Whether you’ve asked and he’s denied (red flag), or you’ve accepted that you might never know the answer, you still have this feeling. So, if you’re looking for a dose of drama along with what could potentially be the most stressful day of your life, invite the wild card! Odds are she’ll show up in a bright red, low-cut, mermaid gown which was 100% made for the sole intention of stealing the spotlight. Should be fun!
The Person Who Will Always Be In Love With You For No Reason
The one you always kept on the backburner. The one who would pick you up from the airport at 1am and bring you soup when you were sick even though you never came close to even kissing him. Chances are you never even talked about his borderline obsessive feelings toward you, and you just reaped the rewards of being idolized. What? No one said you were perfect. While his/her heart will literally break into a zillion shards as you say “I do,” they’ll give you a bomb-ass gift, so there’s that. Plus, if your marriage goes to sh*t anytime in the next 50 or so years, you-know-who will be there to pick up the pieces, support you financially, and never ask for anything in return, God bless ‘em.
The Random Person Who Wanted To End Up With Him
Whether or not they dated doesn’t matter. In fact, whether or not they ever made physical contact doesn’t even matter. All that matters is that as soon as that bitch sees your man, her face lights up like the rest of us do when Kylie’s Lip Kits go on sale. For her, it was love at first sight. For him? He still can’t remember if her name is LaurA or LaurEN. While she’ll hover around the dance floor and insist on getting as many selfies with him as possible, she’s a silly, mostly harmless choice for a drama invite. If anything, seeing someone drool over your man while he’s completely oblivious might just make the coveted and mythical Wedding Night Sex that much better.
A Bonafide Ex From Either Side
These two didn’t just mess around every once in a while after one too many tequila shots when they were 19. They were the real deal. The hand-holding, Instagram posting, “considered getting matching tattoos before one of them realized that they obviously weren’t going to end up together and made some bullsh*t excuse like ‘my mom’s gonna kill me if she finds out’ because they didn’t want that permanent reminder on their skin for the rest of their lives” real deal. While they might not have been forever, they were “for a while,” and that’s enough to cause some good old-fashioned friction. There’s no way she, at some point, didn’t kinda-sorta-maybe picture walking down the aisle to your future hubby. Give her a good seat for the show and graciously thank her for coming. In the end, she’ll give you the best gift of all: Her cold, hard jealousy.
The One Who Got Away (On Either Side)
She’s not like, a regular ex. She’s THE ex. The one who, even after that sparkly brilliant cut landed on your freshly manicured fingers, you can’t help but occasionally compare yourself to after you’ve had 2.5 glasses of rosé. Or stalk her Facebook back to 2008. Or passive-aggressively like all of her sh*t from your burner IG account. I’m not saying you’re the consolation prize. Or second best. Or not quite as good as the girl he dated all through high school and the first half of college before she moved away and broke his heart. Of course not. Chill. But uh, now that you mention it, I’m also not not saying that either.
Whether it was your first love or his, walking down the aisle and seeing the face that could have easily been one of your ~forevers~ sitting in the audience (if guests at your wedding don’t feel like an audience, you’re doing it wrong) is a sure-fire way to cause an emotional sh*t-show. My money’s on the fact that before the cake is cut, you’ll be dreaming of going back on those “forsaking all others” vows and making out with Mr. Right Guy, Wrong Time. SO GLAD HE COULD MAKE IT THOUGH, RIGHT?!
From the HELPFUL comments about your cooking, the SWEET way she reminds your future-husband that she came first, and the WISE AND FASHIONABLE suggestions she has about your clothing choices, there are few people you’d rather run into car trouble on the day of. While you can’t imagine your day without her, sometimes you like to, just for fun. All of the other bitches above are just women you sometimes hate-stalk when you’re bored and occasionally dream about the joy you’d feel if their lives fell about. Your FMIL, however, is the one you truly hate to love. And the best part? She’s in it (and by “it” I mean alllll of your biz-niz) for the long haul. While the fact that she asked to wear cream to the wedding and attempted to go into the changing room with you during your bridal appointments makes your skin crawl, this is the one who, no matter how much you detest it, will end up with an invite. Whether or not that invite gets lost in the mail, of course, is entirely up to you.
Well, another nice guy bites the dust. Jed Wyatt has seemed like a clear front-runner for Hannah’s affections on this season of The Bachelorette—but now, a new report claims that Jed had a girlfriend back home when he left for the show. The news comes from none other than the girlfriend herself (well, ex-girlfriend now): Haley Stevens, who exclusively told People all the details of her relationship with Jed and why he went on The Bachelorette. We learned on Night 1 how Hannah feels about guys with secret girlfriends back home, so I’m very eager to hear how Hannah will respond to all this—and what her comments might reveal about Jed’s fate this season.
According to Stevens, she and Jed were dating for four months before he left for The Bachelorette. The two Nashville-based musicians met last October; Jed was confirmed for The Bachelorette in February, and filming began in mid-March. “We spent the night together the night before he headed to L.A.,” Stevens tells People. “He told me was just an obstacle and we’d be stronger on the other side because of it.”
First, I think I speak for all of us when I say: LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOO.
So clearly, Stevens had known he’d applied for the show; Jed had told her it was “probably not going to happen,” but he couldn’t pass up the “huge opportunity” to advance his music career. As we all know from Jed’s one-on-one, he did initially think of his Bachelorette run as a “platform”. So did he have a genuine change of heart after getting to know Hannah? Or is he just another manipulative f*ck who knows that elements of the truth make a lie sound better? Given what I know about The Bachelorette and men in general, I know where I’m leaning…
Can someone please get Demi on this?
Stevens says Jed’s motives in joining the show were purely financial: apparently, Jed’s musical talents weren’t quite covering the bills. “I don’t want my dad to have to help me pay rent anymore,” Jed allegedly told Stevens. Jed’s plan was to make it to the top five, just long enough to be a “major player.” In the weeks before he left, Jed told Stevens he loved her for the first time, and reassured her constantly about the show: “It’s not real. It’s acting.”
If that’s the quote that convinces me of her story, though, here’s the one that makes me skeptical: “I was terrified that he would fall in love with Hannah,” Stevens tells People. “In the beginning I felt bad because I thought he loved me and was faking dating her. But then I thought, my boyfriend could be engaged to someone else. Seeing him kissing her for the first time was the worst day.” Hmm. The show first aired on May 13; Jed’s one-on-one aired June 3. Filming likely ended in late April—and no matter how long Jed stuck around, he should certainly have been back home and in possession of a cell phone before May.
So: why is Stevens watching The Bachelorette in late May and feeling “bad” thinking that Jed is “faking dating” Hannah? At that point, she knows she’s been ghosted by Jed: even if he did go on there only for his career, he also made no attempt to contact her after returning. That’s a pretty clear sign that he wasn’t thinking about Haley on these dates.
Maybe I’m being harsh or missing something, but it does seem like selective processing on Stevens’ part. She says she was “baffled” to discover that Jed had returned to Nashville without contacting her, and says they ran into each other at a concert this June. “He said, ‘Hey how have you been?’ and I said, ‘How do you think I’ve been?'” she says. “I asked him, ‘You didn’t think I deserved a phone call?’ And he said, ‘I didn’t know what to say.'” To be fair to Stevens, this sounds like a very realistic conversation with a guy who has ghosted you—they never do know what to say. According to her, that was the hardest part: “he ghosted me. He loved me, but he didn’t have enough respect for me to have that tough conversation.”
Jed, thinking about dodging that tough conversation:
Surprisingly, Stevens is still out here semi-defending Jed (while also majorly blowing up his spot). “I don’t believe he’s a terrible person,” (k) “but it’s a terrible situation,” she says. “And part of me thinks I was the backup plan and he wanted me to be here in case it didn’t work out. I feel 100% betrayed.” Yeahhh, sadly, she’s probably 100% correct—and I stand by saying that her biggest mistake here was not realizing she’d been dumped by the time The Bachelorette started airing. Either way, if even 75% of her story is correct, Jed is a serious douche, a compulsive liar, and not a particularly great musician. Well, that last part is true either way.
Images: Giphy (3)
He doesn’t have to be an actual ex-boyfriend to have fucked with your head.
Whether you’ve just gotten out of a real relationship or a pseudo one, you still committed your thoughts to one person. And now that it’s over, your thoughts naturally must go elsewhere.
Sure, you have an uncanny ability to talk at length about this season’s Essie colors, or whether Kourtney and Scott’s love for one another is eternal, but your mind will eventually find its way back to the guy you couldn’t stop thinking about a week—or even a month—ago.
But you have to stop thinking about him before you can let yourself start thinking about someone else (besides yourself, obviously).
“Power is being told you’re not loved and not being destroyed by it.” —Madonna
If you had it easy and had actual closure to your relationship, all you really have to do is wait. Time, Netflix and SoulCycle heal all wounds. Embrace them.
Keep reminding yourself that your breakup was for the best, and that even though life sucks right now, it will be so much better later on when your mind is clear of your ex, and onto better things like the hot guy you’re hooking up with or the new Chanel bag your mom got you for Christmas.
The real way to get over someone you have been under for so long is to find ways to stop thinking about him. But when you do find your mind wandering into ex territory, which typically happens when your phone dies or when the Brazilian-wax technician isn’t particularly talkative that day, just let yourself go there.
Allow yourself to feel sad about the situation, that you miss him, you miss having a boyfriend, blah fucking blah. A little sadness is normal, lean into it for a few minutes.
The Boyfriend Mourning Formula
Dated under a year: (The amount you liked him from a scale 0-5) x = weeks to get over him.
Example: You fell out of love. So you’re basically over it. Zero multiplied by anything is zero. Congrats, Betch, you’re ready to move on.
Second Example: You were together for nine months, you loved him and he broke your heart. 5x=22.5 weeks, or 5–6 months. Remember this is a maximum. If you take longer than this, spare your friends the agony and seek professional help. Please.
One to three years: You have six months to one year. You’re allowed one month to wallow in your own self-pity, but that’s it. Use the rest of this time of mourning to get back to your old self.
Over three years: You have one year and that’s it. Okay MAYBE one and a half depending on the dramatic nature of the breakup. Just remember, Botox can’t stop your eggs from aging.
But don’t ever pity yourself. You are not hopeless; you will bounce back to your normal self. Allow yourself those few minutes of sadness, but then snap out of it. Remember that you don’t need to be in a relationship to be happy. Don’t forget, you’re a betch. Don’t make us look bad.
Eventually the sadness will subside and you’ll be able to think clearly. Make it a point to go out when you would have typically stayed in with him. If you had a favorite restaurant at which you two always ate, go find an even better restaurant and make a fucking new memory with your besties.
Fuck, we feel like sad pathetic losers even writing this. But it’s fine, because being depressed over a guy is a super pathetic sad and loser-y state to be in. Once you are able to look back and laugh at just how sad and pathetic you were during those long weeks or months (hopefully not years, time is the only thing you can’t ever get back), then congrats because you are so over it.
Other signs you are over it: Hearing his name and not getting a weird nauseating feeling in the pit of your stomach. Good sign. Seeing him in public without peeing your pants. Another good sign.
You may also be over it if you go on a date with someone and not once even think of your ex. But by date, we don’t mean a one-night stand.
Sure, go out and have sex with a stranger, we don’t discourage it. But don’t assume that just because you fucked someone else, you’re through the mourning process. Fuck for yourself, don’t do it out of revenge or sadness. Because eventually the sex will end (probably too quickly), and you will go back to the rut from which you came (or more likely, didn’t come).
However, if you didn’t have closure to your relationship, that’s an entirely different fucked-up playing field. This guy either ghosted you or never really gave you a concise, believable answer as to why he ended things.
When this happens, you have to make your own closure, which is about as easy and exciting as a juice cleanse or having a conversation with a cabdriver. Lucky for you, we have a handy guide for you to get over this loser.
The name of the game is replay, reconsider and repeat. (Yes, it’s a play on lather, rinse, repeat.) Unless you’re dirty AF, the goal of a hair-shower (not to be confused with a body-shower, which you should do daily) is to get rid of the dirt and oils that have accumulated on your scalp and hair throughout the day(s).
Now think of that dirt you’re removing like the guy you’re seeing. If you can get rid of him with just one rinse, congrats. But if you can’t, keep repeating, Betch. He’s bound to get out of your hair eventually.
Step One: Replay
Replay the relationship in your head. But instead of looking at it from your biased and slightly fantasized perspective, look at it from his. Don’t be too hard on yourself, but imagine what he was thinking during each conversation or situation that you think may have taken part in your relationship’s demise.
When you were saying, “I’m having a birthday party Saturday, you should stop by if you want,” is it possible he heard, “I want you to meet all my friends and celebrate a life milestone with me, and I’m just tricking you into a relationship?”
Step Two: Reconsider
Now that you’ve seen his perspective, it’s time to be realistic and reconsider the situation. Delve deeper into what the actual truth of each situation is. Only then will you uncover what was actually wrong with the relationship and your communication.
Here, even though it hurts, try to be as real as you can. Maybe after some consideration you realized that you didn’t really know him, and he didn’t know you at all. You even asked your friends what they thought of him and they’re like, What’s he look like again? Perhaps you were obsessed with the idea of him and not actually him. You know that saying that goes “there’s your side, his side, and the truth?”
Well the goal of this process is to see the truth. You’re not a 45-year-old alcoholic homemaker from the 1950s; you don’t need to lie to yourself.
Step Three: Repeat
Repeat this until you come to the inevitable conclusion that you two just weren’t right for each other and, more important, he wasn’t right for you.
So whatever happened during whatever period of time you were dating eventually ends up irrelevant, and you accept the fact that you don’t even need to hear his side of the story because your version is about one billion times more profound than any bullshit he will have to say.
You’re a betch, so you’re pretty fucking smart, or at least smart enough to figure out that guys are pretty fucking stupid. As long as your reasoning isn’t entirely delusional (again, lying to yourself isn’t cute and is instead marginally psychotic), then you’ll be able to get over him 100 percent of the time.
Unless he like, died—then take comfort in the fact that at least you weren’t dumped and like, see a real therapist.
What Would Karen Do?
The complete opposite. She will use this time to dwell on how perfect his jawline is while rereading every text conversation the two of them ever had. She will then Google “how to hack into Snapchat’s database to recover selfies of ex-boyfriend.”
After she sees Results Not Found, she will continue to talk about him until her friends kindly tell her to stop bitching about that bro, he was an asshole and never liked you.
She will storm away, feeling offended and over it for about five minutes. When she gets home, she’ll troll Tinder until she finds him, will take a screenshot, send it to him and say, I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’VE MOVED ON SO FAST. DIDN’T I MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU!?!?
He will not respond. She’ll think, he prob just didn’t get the text.
This is an excerpt from the Betches second book, ‘I Had a Nice Time and Other Lies,’ available now. Order the book here.
In the wake of the Vegas shooting, we talk about our expert opinions on gun control, American society as a whole, Playboy and Hugh Hefner. Then we answered a question from a listener who wasn’t clear on proper wedding invitation etiquette.
Sponsored by: Sustain (Code: BETCHESPOD)
Send your ‘Dear Betch’ questions to [email protected]
Subscribe to Betch Slapped on iTunes and listen to us on Spotify!
Listen up betches, just because you’re a precious, unique snowflake doesn’t mean parts of you aren’t a little predictable. Obviously we’re talking about your horoscope. So you already know the basic traits of your sign, but who cares if you’re “stubborn” or “indecisive”? Isn’t everyone? Let’s get into the real stuff. How does your horoscope sign affect your relationships? Or more specifically, your breakup style? Let’s find out, so that you can finally know the best tactics for you to rip out someone’s heart and stomp on it.
Though you like to think of yourself as a coldhearted ice queen, the truth is you just want someone strong enough to break down your walls. You’re like Aurora in that castle full of thorns. If he can’t handle a dragon or witch, how is he going to handle you? Therefore when you break up with someone, you tend to get icy and retreat back into hiding. You’re not one for sentimental texts with your ex. You also value independence in your relationship, which means you don’t tend to be co-dependent and you believe in a clean break.
You thrive when you’re alone and you have no problem being single. That being said, you don’t take romance lightly, which means if you’re going through a breakup you’re going to be a hot mess. You’re like Reese Witherspoon in Cruel Intentions—you’re careful about getting involved but once you’ve chosen someone they can’t get out from under your grasp affections. You also don’t do short-term relationships, maybe because it’s so hard to break up with you, so if you’re going through a breakup then you’re probably getting over a long-term relationship, which means you’ll recruit all your friends to help you get through it.
You’re loud and not afraid to let someone know you like them. This also means when you’re going through a breakup, you can’t promise not to drunk text your ex… at least a few dozen times. You’ll probably have at least three false alarms of “I’m over it” moments before you actually pull through. You’ll have the urge to “win him back” with some big show of affection, but trust us, just put that energy into your friends and family instead. You’re too good for him, it’s time to move along.
You’re the girl Ludacris sang about, the lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets. Taurus are well-balanced in every way, which means you are both physical and emotionally in tune. You’ll think of your relationship sweetly, but you’re not one to pine away in agony over a lost love. You’ll rebound hard and probably meet your next bae accidentally while you’re at it. You can’t help it you’re so popular.
You are so indecisive that one day you’ll feel like you just lost your true love and the next day you’ll feel like freedom is the best thing you ever had. You are a volatile lover, which means you probably fought a lot with your ex, but the makeup sex was that much better. Because of your indecisiveness, there’s probably a line of backburner bros who think you’re “mysterious” and can’t wait to be your rebound. You’ll have no trouble flirting your way out of heartbreak, but brace yourself because when emotions hit, they hit hard. Just keep your besties on speed dial and make sure you’ve still got a Netflix or HBO login and you’ll be good.
You’re so stable that even the adults in your life come to you for advice. Like, you probably have coached your drunk boss through his or her heartbreak on occasion. Going through a breakup is rough for you because you made compromises in your relationship and believed that it would be worth it if you made it work. So you’re probably really hating on your ex right now while also trying to “understand” where they’re coming from (answer: hell). You are going to stalk your ex hard on social media under the guise of “making sure they’re ok”. You secretly hope they realize how much they actually needed you, but this also means you probably thought you were better than them the whole time (fair) so maybe you are better off without them tbh.
You’re ready to get back out the night of your breakup. You’ll probably get trashed and avoid your emotions for as long as physically possible. You’re a passionate but also attention-loving betch which means you’ll definitely rebound like Kobe until you forget why you were even in a relationship to begin with. You’re going to miss your ex a lot, though, mainly because being with someone made you realize how awesome you are and you like to be reminded of that more often. Your breakup style is to get out there and let your charm do all the work.
You take your time when you’re falling in love, which means you take your time falling out of love. You might not end up dating again for another year, and you know this because a lot of time goes by between relationships for you. So this means you take your breakup slowly, knowing that even though most people would have moved on by now, you still find chances to bring up your ex nonchalantly. Like, your co-workers might be talking about getting a cat and you’ll casually mention “when my ex and I got our first cat, we knew right away we wanted to keep him…” blah blah, point is, your head is going to be stuck in relationship mode well past its expiration date. But once you meet the next “love of your life” you’ll transfer everything over like a well run Swiss bank: no leaks.
You’re more about the romance than the sex, so chances are by the time you broke up with your ex, the sex wasn’t even that good. You’re not a volatile person, so if it ended it was probably for the best. You’re very sweet which means you’ll be the one comforting him while he tries to get over you. Most likely you just got bored and needed to get out of the relationship. If he broke up with you, you probably didn’t want to admit it, but you could do better. You’ll find someone more interesting and forget he even existed.
Once you let someone in your heart, they’re never getting out. You might pretend you’ve let them out, but they don’t know you still have the real key. What this means is you’ll probably know he has a new girlfriend before they’ve even officially called each other boyfriend/girlfriend. You can sense everything about all your exes—when they’re doing well and when they’re not, the precise number of cocktails he will drink before he drums up the courage to text you, that sort of thing—and even though you claim to not be jealous, everyone knows better than to bring up your relationship. You’ll get over it by using your sex appeal to rebound and meet someone who adores you, meanwhile you’ll be pining for all the people who didn’t reciprocate your feelings. A Scorpio is never done breaking up, but a Scorpio’s also always in love, so it kind of balances out.
You’re a free spirit who doesn’t like feeling tied down. You love your partners with sweetness and kindness, but that doesn’t mean your kindness can’t be cruel to someone who wants you to care more than you do. You just have so much love to give you don’t want to commit to one person. So when you break up with someone you’re ready to see what the next thing is. You’re probably a little relieved when it’s over, and you can’t wait to cut your hair and go shopping so you can figure out what the “new you” is. You might go to Vegas or Australia, or just like, a different bar than the one you always go to, just somewhere fun where you can show off your haircut and appreciate being single.
You’re stubborn about what you want, which means once you’ve decided you want something, that’s just what’s going to happen. So if you’re the one who broke up with him, there’s no going back no matter what. But if you’re determined to get him back then he’ll be back and you both know it. That doesn’t mean anything’s going to change, but it does mean you will go into the breakup with a very clear idea of how to get out of it. You’ve literally looked at bouncers who’ve told you no and just laughed and walked right in, so a breakup is no different. Like okay, you want to end this relationship? That’s cute. Cut to two years from now he’s going to be picking out a ring. Sorry, but you just get what you want.
Don’t you just love it when scientific studies work out in your favor and reaffirm your destructive lifestyle choices? Like that time some docs said that drinking Champagne helps fight off Alzheimer’s (turned out not to be true but whatever) and the other time when Italy somehow found that eating pasta makes you skinny (Go home Italy. You’re drunk). And while this newest study on people who stay friends with their exes doesn’t necessarily benefit me in any way personally, it does prove that something I’ve always thought to be true is actually a scientific fact (meaning I’m right, per usual). So what is this study? One that finds that people who stay friends with their exes either a) just want to get laid. Obvi. Or b) display fucked-up behaviors like narcissism, insensitivity, and just overall being a dick. Also, obvi. Brb. Mass texting this to every one of my friends who told me they “don’t want to lose the friendship.” I see you. I see all of you.
So this company Science Direct, who I guess just had nothing better do to that conduct a study we all already knew the answer to, took 861 men and women and asked them questions about why you stay friends with ex partners and then had them rate the different reasons in terms of importance. Men rated being able to booty call their exes higher than women did. Wow, Science Direct. Thank you for your groundbreaking discoveries. You know, this is legit why we need women in STEM fields. All Science Direct needed was literally one female scientist and she would have told them the answer to this pressing question and saved probably millions of dollars in funding. #WomenInStem. Anyway, people who chose to stay friends for practical purposes showed higher “dark personality traits” like disagreeableness, manipulativeness and exploitative tendencies. Also see: “being an asshole.” Or like, Jax Taylor and James Kennedy. In fact, now that I think about it, this entire study could have been proven by watching one singular episode of Vanderpump Rules.
In conclusion, when your ex late night texts you one day and says they miss your friendship, you ignore that shit because they’re either just trying to sleep with you or murder you. There is no in between.
In this week’s podcast, our guest is actress and model Brooklyn Decker. We talk about Beyoncé’s twins, answer dating questions about if guy friends are real and whether or not you should get back with an ex. We also answer some hypotheticals about hoarding and the taboo phenomenon of peeing in a pool, then play “Party, Be BFF or Kill” with Kim K, Kendall and Kylie. Check us out hanging with Brooklyn Decker here:
Listen to the podcast below. Send your advice questions to [email protected] and we just might answer it on the next podcast.