You’ve probably been there: a couple of vodka sodas deep, contemplating leaving the bar, when you get that familiar “wyd?” text. Or maybe you’re alone on your couch watching your favorite Netflix show and scrolling through memes, when you come across a meme you know your ex would find hilarious… so then you’re the one who’s tempted to send that “wyd?” text. When it comes to the question of hooking up with your ex, the answer that immediately comes to mind is “no”. Or to be more precise, “hell no!” Whether you’re asking your friends for advice, talking to your therapist, or doing your nightly internet search for the very specific problems that only affect you, the general consensus seems to be that it’s best to steer clear of hooking up with an ex. Which is totally valid, considering they’re your ex for a reason. While I never advocate for backsliding, dating is not black and white—one could even say that when it comes to relationships there are, well, 50 shades of grey (sorry, couldn’t resist).
Like pretty much every girl ever, I hooked up with an ex. Let’s call him Jake, because that’s his name. (Sorry dude, but you have a really common name, I’m not changing it). Jake and I reconnected, aka Jake slid into my DMs. We broke up forever ago and stayed friends, meaning that I don’t currently have a Voodoo doll of him and didn’t burn all his pictures. Curious enough, I went, and four drinks and some serious eye contact later, we were “reconnecting’” in the backseat of his car. I’ll stop the story there, because, like, TMI. In the wake of judgmental stares and a barrage of “No, tell me you didn’t!” from friends, I figured that I could A) turn this hookup into an article and fulfill my lifelong dream of being Carrie Bradshaw, B) make my friends calm the F down, and C) do my part to eliminate the shame that is associated with hooking up with an ex. I researched, and then researched again (bravo, Jake), and discovered that hooking up with an ex doesn’t always have to be a negative thing. While a majority of the time the case for sleeping with an ex can be made to be a horrible-no-good-very-bad idea, I dared to wonder, could there be an upside? And if you’re going to do it, is there a healthy way to go about it, rather than shadily sneaking off from the bar and not telling your friends where you’re going? In order to answer that question, I spoke with dating expert Judge Lauren Lake of Lauren Lake’s Paternity Court, about the right way to hook up with your ex.
First things first, a big disclaimer: If your ex was a toxic, abusive, and/or a negative influence in your life, then do not go back to them in any way. You should keep that door locked, fly to a foreign country, and throw that key into the bottom of an ocean. Lake echoes this: “If you feel like the person will be able to manipulate you or play on your emotions, stay away. You should only interact with exes when there is mutual respect,” she says. This so-called “mutual respect” between exes may seem like a myth, but if you have experienced it and are considering diving back into those familiar waters, read on for some advice.
Be Realistic With Expectations
please present the signed permission slip from your therapist before approaching me romantically
— cranky beth (@marybethbarone) October 3, 2019
First and foremost, you should be honest with yourself. Figure out why you have the sudden urge to slide back into your ex’s DMs or to answer that “I miss you” text. Go ahead and check all that apply: Are you bored? Lonely? Horny? Do you actually miss them? Actually miss their genitalia? There are no wrong answers, but it’s important to know yourself. According to Lauren Lake, “Hookups with exes are common. Sometimes it’s about unresolved feelings and sometimes it’s just about missing the physical connection.”
With that foundation set, you then need to be realistic about what you’re expecting from these (probably) two minutes of passion. Do you want to rekindle the relationship and get back together? If that’s the case, then I highly suggest that you communicate this to your ex beforehand, because sex will not fix a broken relationship. Lake advises, “If things are heating up, it’s best to pause and make sure you are on the same page. If not, one person may think it is the first step to getting back together, or that it may be an ongoing hookup, while the other may have no intentions to ever hookup again.” To put it bluntly, just because your ex has sex with you doesn’t necessarily mean that they will want to get back together—they probably just wanted to have sex. Sorry, but it’s true. Best to save yourself the back-and-forth and figure that sh*t out beforehand.
On the flip side, if you’re just a human with urges and want someone that feels familiar, comfortable, and who knows what you like, then sex with your ex can be a positive thing. If both of you are on the same page of your soap opera romance, then you can relieve any pressures about pursuing an emotional connection and just enjoy your carnal lovemaking (no details pls). Lake puts it best: “Just because the relationship went bad, doesn’t mean the sex did.” She’s got a point.
But, before you book an Uber to their place, remember that communication is always key. It’s pretty much impossible to have a one-night stand with someone that you have a history with, typically because a one-night stand does not come with an entire matching bedroom set (i.e. your past and baggage). “Since you’ve already had a relationship with the person, it wouldn’t be a one-night stand, but it could be a one-more night stand,” says Judge Lauren Lake. So like, just be clear as to why you want this and what you want out of it.
Caution: Mixing Business With Pleasure
Me and my ex communicating like…. https://t.co/8ysg6N9ZT7
— Ruby ✨ (@Rubyyyyy23) August 19, 2019
Once you’ve established your intentions, at least within your own mind, you should then consider the implications of jumping back into old roles. This mainly applies to those of us who would like to explore a strictly physical reunion. If you want to avoid any mixed signals or catching feelings, then it would be wise to avoid slipping back into the original dynamics of your relationship, like going on dates. Groundbreaking, I know. Sure, you can go to their place for a glass of boxed wine or a casual night of “Netflix and chill” (do the kids still do this?), but be wary of going out to dinner, a movie, the bowling alley (I don’t know what you do in your free time). Basically, don’t do things that can, by any measure, be considered a formal date. I know that going out to brunch the morning after and letting your ex pay sounds tempting (and like a good way to save money), but if you do that, you risk blurring the lines of what is just a hookup and what is the beginning of a relationship. Do you know what they call two people who go out for a night on the town and then have sex later? A couple. Sorry, but you’re dating.
It can be easy for both of you to revert to how you were when you were in a relationship, holding hands and packing on the acceptable amount of PDA. But if you’re just looking for a casual hookup, then this isn’t the foreplay you should be doing. Lake explains, “‘Playing house’ for a few days may allow you to feel the euphoria of the honeymoon phase in your relationship without remembering all the problems and issues that drove you apart. You may begin to feel attached again, only to realize later that the relationship still doesn’t serve you.” Even if you aren’t planning on continuing this pattern, having a one, two, three day, whatever-it-may-be relationship with your ex isn’t any better than getting back together and breaking up again. You’re still doing it, just not officially, leaving more room for confusion and (ugh gross) feelings.
Well, Is there An Upside?
Ultimately only you can decide if hooking up with your ex is a good idea or not. Every relationship is different, and what may be right for you may be totally wrong for your friend’s roommate’s cousin or whoever. That said, if you and your ex parted ways mutually, respectfully, and otherwise amicably, then getting with an ex can be fun and something to chat about at brunch with your friends appropriately named Samantha, Charlotte, and Miranda. Judge Lauren Lake says, “The upside would be that you already know one another, care for one another, and have mutual respect. All of these things can lead to an enhanced sexual experience, and the opportunity to experience the connection again, even if it’s just for one night.” In other words, it doesn’t have to be an automatic no… just be smart about it.
So there we have it. Go ahead and take the shame out of going back for seconds and feel free to engage in a super-hot moment in the backseat with someone that knows you (emotionally and physically-wink, wink), respects you, and has the same intentions. Provided they do respect you and have the same intentions. When all that is accounted for, hooking up with an ex can be great, and possibly worth a standing ‘O’vation.
When contemplating your next move, just ask yourself, is the box of condoms half empty or half full?
Images: Sky Cinema / Shutterstock.com; @marybethbarone, @Rubyyyyy23, / Twitter, Giphy (2)
If you would have pulled bits and pieces of different boys out of different coming-of-age novels, that’s who Adam* was. A true Judy f*cking Bloom character. He was beautiful, with his dark, curly hair and unsettling hazel eyes with a green speck right next to his left pupil.
When I look back now, it almost feels like I wrote my first love story for some young adult audience, ready to be turned into a Netflix film starring Noah Centineo. The sepia-hued memories of us napping in fields, making out in the back row of the movie theater, writing long, embarrassing Myspace (yes, Myspace) posts for each and every one of our monthiversaries—we were the definition of a teenage cliche.
He was all wrong for me because, of course he was. Maybe that’s what made him right? He would pull his hoodie over his head and sleep in the back row of class, waiting for the hangover from the senior party he went to the night before to wear off. He made out with girls two years older than him because they all thought he was hot enough to slum it with, his easy confidence and built arms from years of rowing crew luring them in.
There was no reason for him to pay attention to me, and I had no reason to accept his advances. So, naturally, we fell grotesquely, painfully, horribly in love.
From the note he passed in science class asking me on a date to our dramatic breakup (not the first one. Orrrr the second one. But the third one. That one) to the years-later, post-breakup, “let’s pretend this didn’t happen unless we’re getting back together” hookup on the beach, my first love was the stuff of adolescent fantasies everywhere. And the best part? During it all, I felt like I was the only person in the world to feel that intensely, that strongly, that much.
Turns out, almost every other failed first love story has the same premise. That falling. That unsteadiness. That “maybe I’ll never get over it even though I’m actually totally over it” feeling. While some people say they feel nothing for their first loves, the rest of us who aren’t lying can admit that just because it didn’t work out, and just because you might not still be in love, there always seems to be ~something~ about your first love that you just can’t shake.
As I typed that, I had a total Carrie Bradshaw moment and couldn’t help but wonder: Why do we even care? For most of us, our first loves are LONG gone and out of our lives, so why do the ghosts of those relationships linger on and haunt us well beyond our final goodbyes?
In order to get to the bottom of my musings, I reached out to Judge Lauren Lake of Lauren Lake’s Paternity Court, because if anyone is an expert on love and heartbreak, it’s the woman who has made a career of educating those with broken hearts and helping them heal… not to mention punishing the assholes who hurt them.
According to Judge Lauren Lake, “First loves are usually so intense and often between two immature people, so, ultimately, they serve as the foundation for future relationships.” (For better or for worse.)
Which means that no matter how your first meaningful relationship went down, your brain literally uses it as the baseboard for all future relationships because it’s, to pull out a word from the 5th-grade science fair, the control. Which is why you might randomly have dreams about said ex or think of them from time to time, even years after things went to sh*t—which, thankfully, doesn’t mean you’re a psycho.
“It happens because you’re human,” Lake says. “Love doesn’t just end when someone breaks your heart. It’s very possible to have love for someone who isn’t your Mr./Mrs. Right, especially if it was the first person you thought was going to be your lifelong partner.”
Art Aron, a psychology professor at State University of New York at Stony Brook who specializes in close relationships, told The Washington Post, “Your first experience of something is going to be well remembered, more than later experiences, presumably there’d be more arousal and excitement, especially if it’s somewhat scary.”
And honestly? There are very few things scarier than falling in love. It’s a nonstop anxiety trip of will they or won’t they, do they or don’t they. It’s exhausting and panic-inducing, but that rush is so powerful that humans have been chasing it for centuries. “Even in a fully developed adult brain, the neurological response to being in love with someone is very strong,” says Art. “It’s the same as being on cocaine.”
So, for the not fully-formed adolescent brain pumping weird thoughts into a body full of hormones and Mountain Dew, the feelings, responses, and the lasting effects of falling is love are completely magnified.
“Love doesn’t happen overnight,” says Lake. “It doesn’t end overnight, either. When you truly love someone, there will always be a part of you that still loves them, even if they did you wrong. It is still possible to have love for someone but know you have to move on from them.”
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
— Saddington 2 ✈️🥺 (@2Saddington) November 12, 2019
Easier said than done, right? Still, if you have those lingering feelings, it might be important to take a closer look before they cause real damage to your current or future relationships. While things you learned from those firsts are important (like knowing that you don’t have to stick your tongue in someone’s mouth every time you kiss), there’s a limit. While that first person might be part of your future foundation, there’s a fine line between learning from those experiences and leaning on them.
According to Lake, “You have to be careful not to make your first love a figure in your future relationships. No one wants to hear about someone’s ex all the time, even if it is a first love from years ago.”
While most of us will still, subconsciously, refer back to lessons learned from our first loves in future relationships (or even do the occasional Instagram sweep out of curiosity), there’s a big difference between your first love being a foundation and your first love being a figure in your life. How do you tell the difference?
“Having love in your heart for someone and still pining for them are two very different things,” says Lake. “It’s important to evaluate whether or not you have an unhealthy attachment to your ex. Are you consistently and consciously comparing new people you’re dating to them? Do you still fantasize about being in a relationship with them? Do you regularly look at their social media accounts? Do you still have all of their pictures in your phone? Did you save their texts? Do you drive by their house?”
While most of us (I hope) would realize that the ol’ drive-by move is total You style stalking, some of the other unhealthy habits might be a little harder to not only detect, but also break. As stated before, love, and especially first love, is as addictive as cocaine. Which means that while it’s fun and exciting and keeps you up all night and makes you feel insanely sexy, it can also be pretty effing unhealthy. While those little first love-related pastimes might feel harmless, they could be detrimental in the long run.
According to Lake, “If you answered yes to any of those questions, you may need to admit that you’re still hung up on or have attachment issues to your ex. If so, you NEED to spend time doing the work to heal yourself before you get into a relationship with someone new or to better move forward with the person you’re with.”
Naturally, the big question is “how the f*ck do you do that if you’re so obsessed that you considered driving by their house when you were visiting your family for the holidays?”
“Stop romanticizing it! At the end of the day you left, or they left you. Let go of those unrealistic and unhealthy fantasies,” says Lake. “You might have to just accept the fact that you may never truly get over this person completely. But you can definitely learn to live life without them.”
While taking the steps to fully, finally, and healthily get over them means making pro/con lists, burning all of their sh*t that you still have in a box and then saging your apartment, or seeking professional help, know that “losing your first, or any, love isn’t easy for anyone,” says Lake, “but you can overcome it and access the limitless possibilities for love and happiness that are in your future. One of the most important relationship lessons to learn is that it takes more than love to sustain a great relationship.”
You know, like communication, patience, and pretending that hearing him talk about his fantasy football team doesn’t make your vagina totally dry up. See?! Healthy relationships!!!!!!
So, whether you’re totally over him or still in the process, post your sloriest thirst-trap and say goodbye to past relationship hangups in 2020. The best gift of all? Knowing that no matter how good his life is now, there’s a 100% chance he’ll see your post and hate himself for f*cking things up with you. And THAT, my loves, is the ultimate cure for heartbreak. Well, that and seeing that he ends up on Lauren Lake’s Paternity Court someday. Here’s to hoping!
*name has been changed because, despite popular belief, I’m not a TOTAL psycho.
In the wake of the Vegas shooting, we talk about our expert opinions on gun control, American society as a whole, Playboy and Hugh Hefner. Then we answered a question from a listener who wasn’t clear on proper wedding invitation etiquette.
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We’ve all been there, the moment we fuck up a really good kind of decent thing with a guy by saying something truly offensive like “what are we” or “I really like you” after only, like, 3 months of spending 5 days a week together sharing your bed and your HBO passwords casually dating. And once those words leave your mouth the boy disappears from your life faster than money does from your bank account. It’s called ghosting and it’s absolutely the reason I suffer from rage blackouts. If you’ve never been ghosted before then first of all, you bitch, and second of all, teach me your ways. But if you’re anything like me, smart, really pretty, with the personality of a very drunk, very bitter divorcée just trying to navigate the world of online dating, then odds are you’ve been ghosted by a fuckboy at least once in the last six months your life. Most times you never see the guy again no matter how hard you stalk his Snap story. Tbh sometimes I think maybe he never even existed in the first place and I was just really fucked up that Tuesday night at happy hour. Whatever the case, you always wish for some sort of closure and also a way to sabotage any future happiness of his.
Well thank God for the internet and the amazing people at Buzzfeed who are always on it with the v important, hard-hitting news issues because now we have that story. And honestly I really needed a win today. Not only did I commute from Long Island this morning *shudders* but my apartment has decided to fall apart one wifi hotspot at a time. So, yeah, I really need to watch a fuckboy burn at the hands of vicious internet trolls this win rn.
Anyway, the story begins as all stories do with a girl, Sylvia, falling for a boy, which I shall refer to as Anonymous Fuck Face. Sylvia dates Fuck Face, Fuck Face plays Yahtzee with her emotions falls for her, earns her trust, moves in with her, and then flees the country because he’d rather not get “tangled up” in a breakup. In typical fuckboy fashion, he posts the story of how he bravely and heroically screwed over the woman he cared for on Buzzfeed because of fucking course he did. In his statement Fuck Face says:
“We clearly had different expectations from the relationship. I did not know what to do and, well, I ghosted her. Over the Christmas break, while she was visiting her family, I simply moved out and left the country. I took advantage of the fact that I accepted a job in another country and did not tell her about it. I simply wanted to avoid being untangled in a break-up drama.”
Okay…so…just to get this straight, you thought the mature way to treat a human being you shared your life with for three years—THREE YEARS—was to completely abandon her like she’s your leftover Pad Thai in the fridge? OVER CHRISTMAS. On Jesus’s fucking day? Really? Is nothing sacred to you fuckboys anymore?? I think my immediate reaction to this information is:
And also:
And people wonder why I’m always one hundred percent serious joking about setting this whole damn city on fire. Lol I’m so random.
Anyway, years go by, this guy continues to live his life like the human pond scum that he is, his ex is still “forgotten history” as he so fondly refers to her, and then one day the director of the school where he works quits. Because, yes, the man whose job it is to shape young minds is also the man that abandons women over Christmas. *internally screams* Whatever. The best part of the story is the person the school hires to fill the position and be his immediate supervisor: HIS EX-GIRLFRIEND SYLVIA.
I. Am. Shook. I don’t think I’ve felt this self righteous since jean skirts came back into style.
Being the troll that he is, Fuck Face has taken his problems back to the people of Buzzfeed, asking how he can avoid being set on fire after the summer break should handle this situation:
“I have no idea what to do and how to deal with this mess. It is clear this will be not only embarrassing but I will also be reporting to my ex. I am not in a position to find another job at present. There are no other international schools so finding another job in this country is not an option. Even finding a job elsewhere is not possible on such a short notice…
…Do you have any suggestions for me how to handle it and what should I do? I understand that this would not have happened if I did not ghost her back then, but I cannot do anything about it now. I gathered from the comments that readers usually have a go on people like me for “bad behavior” but I am really looking for constructive comments how to deal with the situation.”
Lol do I EVER have some constructive comments for this guy.
This is literally the dream scenario for any woman scorned and honestly, I hope she takes this shit to the next fucking level when she finally starts working there. Like, Syl, put him on blast. Start a rumor he’s a pedo, key his car, sic the PTA on his ass, the world is your revenge fantasy oyster.
Anyway, thanks for this, Buzzfeed. There’s nothing like starting your week with a good social crucifixion. If you need me I’ll just be trying to figure out if there are any immediate job openings at my ex’s place of work. You know, just in case. I’m feeling v inspired.
Listen up betches, just because you’re a precious, unique snowflake doesn’t mean parts of you aren’t a little predictable. Obviously we’re talking about your horoscope. So you already know the basic traits of your sign, but who cares if you’re “stubborn” or “indecisive”? Isn’t everyone? Let’s get into the real stuff. How does your horoscope sign affect your relationships? Or more specifically, your breakup style? Let’s find out, so that you can finally know the best tactics for you to rip out someone’s heart and stomp on it.
Aquarius
Though you like to think of yourself as a coldhearted ice queen, the truth is you just want someone strong enough to break down your walls. You’re like Aurora in that castle full of thorns. If he can’t handle a dragon or witch, how is he going to handle you? Therefore when you break up with someone, you tend to get icy and retreat back into hiding. You’re not one for sentimental texts with your ex. You also value independence in your relationship, which means you don’t tend to be co-dependent and you believe in a clean break.
Pisces
You thrive when you’re alone and you have no problem being single. That being said, you don’t take romance lightly, which means if you’re going through a breakup you’re going to be a hot mess. You’re like Reese Witherspoon in Cruel Intentions—you’re careful about getting involved but once you’ve chosen someone they can’t get out from under your grasp affections. You also don’t do short-term relationships, maybe because it’s so hard to break up with you, so if you’re going through a breakup then you’re probably getting over a long-term relationship, which means you’ll recruit all your friends to help you get through it.
Aries
You’re loud and not afraid to let someone know you like them. This also means when you’re going through a breakup, you can’t promise not to drunk text your ex… at least a few dozen times. You’ll probably have at least three false alarms of “I’m over it” moments before you actually pull through. You’ll have the urge to “win him back” with some big show of affection, but trust us, just put that energy into your friends and family instead. You’re too good for him, it’s time to move along.
Taurus
You’re the girl Ludacris sang about, the lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets. Taurus are well-balanced in every way, which means you are both physical and emotionally in tune. You’ll think of your relationship sweetly, but you’re not one to pine away in agony over a lost love. You’ll rebound hard and probably meet your next bae accidentally while you’re at it. You can’t help it you’re so popular.
Gemini
You are so indecisive that one day you’ll feel like you just lost your true love and the next day you’ll feel like freedom is the best thing you ever had. You are a volatile lover, which means you probably fought a lot with your ex, but the makeup sex was that much better. Because of your indecisiveness, there’s probably a line of backburner bros who think you’re “mysterious” and can’t wait to be your rebound. You’ll have no trouble flirting your way out of heartbreak, but brace yourself because when emotions hit, they hit hard. Just keep your besties on speed dial and make sure you’ve still got a Netflix or HBO login and you’ll be good.
Cancer
You’re so stable that even the adults in your life come to you for advice. Like, you probably have coached your drunk boss through his or her heartbreak on occasion. Going through a breakup is rough for you because you made compromises in your relationship and believed that it would be worth it if you made it work. So you’re probably really hating on your ex right now while also trying to “understand” where they’re coming from (answer: hell). You are going to stalk your ex hard on social media under the guise of “making sure they’re ok”. You secretly hope they realize how much they actually needed you, but this also means you probably thought you were better than them the whole time (fair) so maybe you are better off without them tbh.
Leo
You’re ready to get back out the night of your breakup. You’ll probably get trashed and avoid your emotions for as long as physically possible. You’re a passionate but also attention-loving betch which means you’ll definitely rebound like Kobe until you forget why you were even in a relationship to begin with. You’re going to miss your ex a lot, though, mainly because being with someone made you realize how awesome you are and you like to be reminded of that more often. Your breakup style is to get out there and let your charm do all the work.
Virgo
You take your time when you’re falling in love, which means you take your time falling out of love. You might not end up dating again for another year, and you know this because a lot of time goes by between relationships for you. So this means you take your breakup slowly, knowing that even though most people would have moved on by now, you still find chances to bring up your ex nonchalantly. Like, your co-workers might be talking about getting a cat and you’ll casually mention “when my ex and I got our first cat, we knew right away we wanted to keep him…” blah blah, point is, your head is going to be stuck in relationship mode well past its expiration date. But once you meet the next “love of your life” you’ll transfer everything over like a well run Swiss bank: no leaks.
Libra
You’re more about the romance than the sex, so chances are by the time you broke up with your ex, the sex wasn’t even that good. You’re not a volatile person, so if it ended it was probably for the best. You’re very sweet which means you’ll be the one comforting him while he tries to get over you. Most likely you just got bored and needed to get out of the relationship. If he broke up with you, you probably didn’t want to admit it, but you could do better. You’ll find someone more interesting and forget he even existed.
Scorpio
Once you let someone in your heart, they’re never getting out. You might pretend you’ve let them out, but they don’t know you still have the real key. What this means is you’ll probably know he has a new girlfriend before they’ve even officially called each other boyfriend/girlfriend. You can sense everything about all your exes—when they’re doing well and when they’re not, the precise number of cocktails he will drink before he drums up the courage to text you, that sort of thing—and even though you claim to not be jealous, everyone knows better than to bring up your relationship. You’ll get over it by using your sex appeal to rebound and meet someone who adores you, meanwhile you’ll be pining for all the people who didn’t reciprocate your feelings. A Scorpio is never done breaking up, but a Scorpio’s also always in love, so it kind of balances out.
Sagittarius
You’re a free spirit who doesn’t like feeling tied down. You love your partners with sweetness and kindness, but that doesn’t mean your kindness can’t be cruel to someone who wants you to care more than you do. You just have so much love to give you don’t want to commit to one person. So when you break up with someone you’re ready to see what the next thing is. You’re probably a little relieved when it’s over, and you can’t wait to cut your hair and go shopping so you can figure out what the “new you” is. You might go to Vegas or Australia, or just like, a different bar than the one you always go to, just somewhere fun where you can show off your haircut and appreciate being single.
Capricorn
You’re stubborn about what you want, which means once you’ve decided you want something, that’s just what’s going to happen. So if you’re the one who broke up with him, there’s no going back no matter what. But if you’re determined to get him back then he’ll be back and you both know it. That doesn’t mean anything’s going to change, but it does mean you will go into the breakup with a very clear idea of how to get out of it. You’ve literally looked at bouncers who’ve told you no and just laughed and walked right in, so a breakup is no different. Like okay, you want to end this relationship? That’s cute. Cut to two years from now he’s going to be picking out a ring. Sorry, but you just get what you want.
In this week’s podcast, our guest is actress and model Brooklyn Decker. We talk about Beyoncé’s twins, answer dating questions about if guy friends are real and whether or not you should get back with an ex. We also answer some hypotheticals about hoarding and the taboo phenomenon of peeing in a pool, then play “Party, Be BFF or Kill” with Kim K, Kendall and Kylie. Check us out hanging with Brooklyn Decker here:
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If there’s anything that The Betches know for sure, it’s that Murphy’s law—anything bad that can happen will happen—is nowhere more applicable than the times you run into your ex. NYC may feel like a big city, but eventually, you’re gonna see him with his new girlfriend in line at the cafe that was once “your place” when you guys were still together. You know, the one that you’ve been avoiding like the plague for this very reason until this fateful day where you wrongly convince yourself you’re being paranoid.
Even if the breakup has inspired you to finally start attending the SoulCycle classes you signed up for when you were feeling bloated and you’ve revamped your wardrobe and makeup game in a futile attempt to “make yourself over” after becoming newly ~single and ready to mingle~, the day you run into your ex inevitably coincides with the day you’re on your period, cheating on your diet, and everything except your college hoodie is in the laundry. Also, the bitch girl he’s with has great hair and is holding a purse that’s definitely three times as expensive as yours. Oh well—you’re still a bad bitch, and this just gives you another thing to complain about at happy hour (we know how you love that). Check out our “When You Try To Run Into Your Ex Vs. When You Actually Run Into Your Ex” video below and subscribe if you can tooootallllyyyyyy relate.
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Aside from Katie’s wedding to Schwartz and Lala’s married boyfriend, one of the main plot lines of this past season of Vanderpump Rules was Stassi tragically not having a boyfriend. What a brave soul. Oh yeah, and there was Scheana’s divorce. I almost forgot about that. But back to Stassi. This girl spent an entire season bitching and moaning about being single, and yet doing next to nothing about it (going on one blind date doesn’t count and neither does rejecting Kyle in a hot tub). Well it looks like we may never have to hear Stassi complain about her plight as a single woman again. That’s because Stassi got back together with Patrick, her on-again-off-again boyfriend who never appeared on camera and we all kind of thought was made up. Don’t lie, you wondered it. Well, Patrick is real and he’s dating Stassi again. Below, the receipts.
Exhibit A: This photo of Stassi and some untagged man who I learned after .5 seconds of Googling is in fact Patrick, captioned “Back again” with no less than three hearts. THREE.
And if you’re looking for further receipts, check out what Stassi’s own friends said in response to this Instagram:
That’s FOUR hearts from Katie and a heart, a 100 emoji, some sparks (I think?) and a rocker sign emoji from Kristen. Side note, get it together, Kristen. No one makes the rocker hand symbol anymore. This isn’t 2004.
This is not just me wildly speculating for once, either. Patrick confirmed on some podcast called Stock Room Floor that he and Stassi are back together AND that he’s going to be appearing on next season of Vanderpump Rules. He says he doesn’t have drama with anybody and is “probably going to be very boring,” which could be accurate or it could be a cover-up since we all know about those girls who “hate drama”….
Anyway, congrats to Stassi. I’m happy for you, mostly because now you can stop bitching about being single and start bitching about Patrick not waiting on you hand and foot. Mazel!
