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I know. I know. But before you lose your f*cking sh*t like I did, hear me out. I was sitting in a meeting when the NY Times clickbait banner shot across my phone like lightening, reading, “New York City is legalizing the discredited practice of gay conversion therapy. Here’s why.” I had a moment of panic and shoved my screen in the face of my coworker who’s smarter than me, and in a matter of seconds she read the article and explained why it’s a necessary thing and not quite as bad as it sounds.
It’s been almost two years since the NYC council rejoiced after passing a ban on conversion therapy, a widely disparaged practice that, according to GLAAD, is any attempt to change a person’s sexual orientation, gender identity, or gender expression. It’s been ruled illegal in 18 states and the District of Columbia and has been denounced by medical professionals for many years. A 2009 report by the American Psychological Association confirmed that it does not work, harms patients, and infers that sexual orientation, gender expression, and gender identity is a mental disorder, which it is not.
So why the f*ck is New York City, one of the most liberal places in the country, making it legal to subject people to such a backwards-thinking practice? Basically, to ensure the case doesn’t go to the Supreme Court, where the outcome could royally screw us until the end of time. The New York Times explains, “The move is a gambit to neutralize a federal lawsuit filed against the city by a conservative Christian legal organization. If the case were to be heard by the Supreme Court, advocates for the LGBT community fear that the panel could issue a ruling that could severely damage attempts to ban or curtail conversion therapy.” The article continues with an interview with the speaker of the council, who is openly gay and HIV positive, Corey Johnson. He says, “Obviously I didn’t want to repeal this. I don’t want to be someone who is giving in to these right wing groups, but the Supreme Court has become conservative; the Second Circuit, which oversees New York, have become more conservative.”
And before you totally panic, it’s not repealed yet. The Associated Press reports that the proposed repeal is going to a committee hearing next week, then will have a vote in the council, then has to be signed by the mayor. And, the NYC law that bans conversion therapy for minors will still remain in effect.
The lawsuit was started by a conservative Arizona-based group, the Alliance Defending Freedom, saying conversion therapy is a First amendment issue, and by making it illegal, they’re censoring speech. So yeah, it’s total bullsh*t, but this is the world we live in now! Don’t forget to go to the voting booth on November 8th, well-informed of what you’re voting for to keep our state Supreme Court from being potentially even more conservative-leaning!
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Images: Giphy
In the LGBTQ community, there are always lots of important issues to be addressed. Equality and sexual health rightfully get a lot of the attention, but there’s something slightly less serious we need to talk about: should straight women be going to gay bars? Look, I get it–gay bars are fun. It can be tough to find spots with great music, a fun atmosphere for dancing, and a lack of dumb bros. I appreciate all of these factors, but there are some things straight women need to keep in mind when they’re planning a night out at a gay bar. Everyone deserves to get drunk and have a good time, but there are some ground rules you need to know.
If you learn nothing else from reading this, please just memorize this sentence. Do not go to a gay bar for your bachelorette party. Got it? Great! As much fun as it sounds to go dance to Britney Spears remixes with seven of your best girl friends, it’s obnoxious AF. If you’re in a group of straight women with zero gays, you should probably hang out somewhere else for the night. Not to get preachy, but gay bars exist because, historically, queer people couldn’t go to straight bars and be themselves. Luckily, we’ve come a long way since then, but gay bars are still safe havens for the queer community, so you shouldn’t be taking up half the dance floor.
Every straight girl walking into a gay bar:
That being said, I think women should be welcome at gay bars, and it’s ridiculous when bars try to institute men-only policies. Gender is dumb anyway, so get over it. If you’re a straight woman who is hanging out at a gay bar, though, remember that it’s not really your space. Drink, dance, have a good time–but don’t try to make yourself the center of attention. There’s no one here you’re trying to impress, so you don’t need to be twerking in the middle of the floor.
One of the best things you can do as a straight person at a gay bar is just give everyone their space. Realistically, you’re not going to find someone to hook up with, but that’s probably what a lot of people are looking for. If two guys are dancing with each other, it is not the time for you to jump in the middle. Just like if it was your girl friend and a dude at a straight bar, don’t be a cock-blocker. It’s just like, the rules of feminism (and gay rights). While you shouldn’t get in the way of your friend’s potential hookup, you also don’t need to try to find him someone all night. Gay bars are, like, the easiest place in the world to find a dance floor make out, so just chill out. I’m glad you think that guy over there is checking me out, but I can figure it out for myself.
Me when I see the guy my friend wants me to get with:
This might sound like a rant, but honestly, I love it when my straight friends come out with me to the gay bars. The LGBTQ community should be a place of openness and respect, and as long as you’re feeding into that respectful vibe, you should be welcome. It just falls into a grey area when “respect” turns into “let me grind on all these gay dudes because there won’t be any consequences.” Use your best judgment, and if you’re second-guessing whether something is okay, it probably isn’t.
That’s all, now someone please get me a vodka soda, extra lime.
For more LGBTQ news, pop culture, and advice, subscribe to the Everyone’s Gay podcast.
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (2)
When it comes to being gay, we’re living in a pretty confusing time. We constantly hear about how far we’ve come, and how people are more accepting than ever, but we’re stuck with a government that’s unwilling to stand up for our rights, and depending where we live, many of us still experience homophobia on a regular basis. As straight people flood your timeline with engagements and baby announcements, it can feel like your space to express yourself is as small as ever.
So it might not always be easy, but I’ve got a challenge for you in 2019: make this your gayest year yet. Whether this means coming out for the first time, or buying yet another piece of RuPaul’s Drag Race merchandise, it’s time to work on living your queer identity to the fullest, in every part of your life. Think of these as your gay resolutions for the new year, except I’m not going to tell you to go to the gym.
Family
I’m not saying you should show up to your Grandma’s Easter brunch in a leather harness, but there are lots of steps you can take to be your authentic self with your family this year. Of course, the biggest challenge in this process is coming out. Many of us are fortunate enough to have positive coming out experiences, but no matter the circumstances, coming out is still a stressful personal journey. Of course, you should never do anything that makes you feel unsafe, but if you’re still weighing when and how to come out to your family, I encourage you to do it sooner rather than later. Even if you face criticism from some, there are millions of us waiting to welcome you into the LGBTQ family.
If you’ve already navigated the waters of coming out, good for you! But that doesn’t mean your work with your family is done. Lots of us have family members that are supposedly supportive, but would obviously rather not discuss the fact that you’re never going to bring home a partner of the opposite sex. This year, it’s time that you push those boundaries of comfort, and have real discussions with your loved ones. It’s 20-f*cking-19, and Aunt Trish should really be able to understand that being gay isn’t a “lifestyle choice.”
Friends
Friendships in the gay community are tough. There’s no other way to say it: it can be really difficult to meet new people without immediately being judged as a potential sexual partner. Girlfriends are great, but sometimes you just want to spend quality time with some good old-fashioned queens. If you’re struggling to find your gay group, try getting a little creative this year. Step out of your comfort zone, and you might just find your people. If there’s someone you were sort of friends with in college, but haven’t talked to in a while, reach out and suggest platonic plans. Most people are more open to new friends than you think, so getting drinks once could turn into a great friendship, and they probably have other friends that you’d like too.
One thing that I did for the first time in 2018 was going out solo. Showing up to a gay bar with no squad or date in tow can be very daunting, but what’s the worst that could happen? If there’s nothing interesting going on, just have a couple drinks at the bar and call it a night. But if you find a place with a great drag show or fun dancing, it’s a great chance to meet new people! You might not find a best friend this way, but it’s still a great way to get out of the house and have a little fun.
Relationships
So full disclosure, I’m very single right now. Therefore, I won’t pretend to preach like I’m some sort of relationship guru. But I do have three different dates already lined up in 2019, so I’m doing just fine for myself. I feel like we talk all the time about how gay guys just want to have random sex, or how it’s so hard to find a boyfriend, or other major generalizations like that, but it’s not so simple. Everyone is looking for something different, and it’s just a matter of finding the right match. In 2019, try focusing on putting your personal wants and needs above any preconceived notions about what you should want. Listen to your instincts, and don’t be afraid to switch up what you’re looking for. If you’re in the middle of a slutty phase, enjoy it! (Also, here are some gay sex terms that you might find useful.)
But if you’re at a point where you’re really craving a deep connection, you shouldn’t feel bad about it. If you tell a guy that you’re looking for a relationship and he doesn’t respond well, then just cut your losses and move on! There are plenty of people out there, and you shouldn’t be wasting your time with someone who has different needs than you. If you can’t wait for someone who will go on gay trips to Disney World with you, then go out there and find them!
So whether you have some major life decisions ahead, or you just want to try something different and meet some new people, there’s never been a better time to get out there and be gay. If you need any guidance, feel free to DM me @dylanhafer on Instagram, and I’ll happily provide advice and pretend my own life isn’t a mess. Above all, let’s all love each other, and have a great, gay 2019.
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (2)
I’ll be the first one to say it: being gay can be pretty hard. Of course, there’s the societal prejudice and the ongoing battle for equal rights, but that’s not all we have to deal with. The world of gay sex and dating is basically a total nightmare, and your high school sex ed. class probably did less than nothing to prepare you for it. I’ve been out for the better part of a decade, and I still regularly find myself using Urban Dictionary to translate Grindr profiles that are essentially not written in English.
There’s no shame in wanting to learn, so I’ve picked out nine gay sex terms and concepts that can be confusing, even if you’re not a novice on the apps. Whether you’re a gay guy looking to brush up on your culture, or a girl who doesn’t want to ask her gay friend any problematic questions (we appreciate you!), this is all you need to know.
1. Looking
This one probably isn’t too difficult to figure out, but there’s no harm in explaining. If someone says they’re looking, don’t waste your time striking up polite conversation about their hobbies and interests. They’re here for sex, plain and simple.
2. Otter
In the real world, otters are adorable little animals who smash open sea urchins with rocks. In the gay community, you might be the one getting smashed. You probably know about bears and twinks at this point, but otters are a little more confusing. An otter is kind of like a bear, in that he’s pretty hairy, but skinnier.
3. DDF
When you’re talking to someone on the apps, it’s common for them to ask if you’re “DDF.” This stands for “drug and disease free,” and it’s a little bit problematic. First of all, it perpetuates the stigma of HIV (more on that in a minute), which is already a huge problem in the LGTBQ community. There’s also no way to know if the other person is being honest. Just because they say they don’t have any STIs or drug habits isn’t a free pass to not use protection. “DDF” is an easy question to ask, but it’s not really giving you all the information you need.
4. Poz/Undetectable
As I said, there’s a real stigma in our society about HIV and AIDS. As a member of the gay community, you owe it to yourself to be at least a little informed, and not be ignorant or offensive. “Poz” is the most common way of self-identifying as HIV positive, and you really shouldn’t block someone just because you see it in their profile. Many people living with HIV today have “undetectable” status, which means that the virus is at such low levels that blood tests don’t even detect it. The chance of an undetectable person transmitting the virus to you is extremely low, so just use protection like you normally would. This isn’t the ’80s, and you’re not a character in RENT.
5. PrEP
Speaking of protection, we’ve come a long way. Of course, condoms are still very effective, and it’s always advisable to use them, but why limit yourself? In the last few years, a new HIV-prevention method called PrEP (Pre-exposure prophylaxis) has become widely available. While straight people have been slow to learn about it (what else is new?), it’s become common practice in the gay community. I’m not the one to explain how the science works, but PrEP reduces your chances of contracting HIV by 92%, which is pretty incredible.
6. BB
Just like straight guys, gay men just love not using condoms. Talk all you want about how much better it feels, blah blah blah, whatever. “BB” is short for bareback sex, also known as having anal without a condom. I’m not here to judge, but it’s really important to make sure you and your partner are on the same page, because there are real potential consequences if you’re not careful. *gets off high horse and goes back to messaging daddies on Scruff*
7. ParTy
If you think the only people doing meth are the psychos on Breaking Bad, I’m so sorry to burst your bubble. Meth has become a huge recreational drug in the gay community, so if that’s not your scene, it’s important to know what to avoid. A lot of gays call the drug “T,” short for “Tina,” because all drugs have like 40 weird nicknames. If you see a random capital “T” in someone’s bio, there’s a 99% chance they’re talking about meth. The word “party” is also usually about hard drugs, especially if the T is capitalized. Straight girls, be glad you don’t have to deal with this sh*t on Hinge.
8. Poppers
If you’re not feeling the meth trend, good for you, your teeth won’t fall out! Poppers, which are actually legal, are sold in tiny little bottles and are usually marketed as nail polish remover or other household cleaning products. People like using them during sex, especially because they help certain parts of your body, um, loosen up. If you’re going to use them, make sure to do it in moderation, unless you want a wicked headache afterward.
9. WS
You guys, it stands for water sports. Water sports, as in people who like pee. If this is something you’re into, go for it! If you’re appalled at the thought, then just kindly decline the offer and maybe find someone else to hook up with. There’s no shame in knowing what you like and what you don’t.
Are there any other important gay sex terms you want us to talk about? Let me know in the comments! Have fun on the apps, and if you’re unsure about something, don’t be afraid to ask questions. It’s your personal life, so your comfort should come first.
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (3)
