This year was the 69th Primetime Emmy Awards and if you think I’m not going to take this opportunity to LOL like a 13-year-old boy at the number 69 and talk shit about the red carpet looks, you probably stumbled upon this website by mistake. Everyone knows that actually watching the Emmys is kind of pointless, because we’re all just going to root for the one show we’ve actually watched (why isn’t there a Housewives category? So rude) and then be disappointed when some more serious, adult-y show wins instead. Anyway, let’s rip some outfits apart—and, I guess, give credit to the ones that weren’s heinous.
The only possible explanation for this dress is that Mandy wants people to make memes of her. Which like, I get, because normally she’s perfect and there’d be no reason to turn her into a meme. I’m sure there are going to be some diehard fashion betches who will try to defend this Carolina Herrera gown, but there’s nothing you could tell me that will see this dress as anything but a lampshade.
Samantha Bee actually looks pretty fantastic, but my brain accidentally made the connection that this dress looks like it’s straight out of Princess Fiona’s closet and now that’s all I can think about so… sorry, I guess.
You know that picture you’ve had saved on your Halloween Pinterest board since 2014 of that girl dressed like a piñata that you thought was totally doable and creative? But like, you never actually tried to make the costume because you’re too lazy to do anything besides throw on some cat ears and a bodycon dress? Well, this Christian Dior gown is that costume. Generally speaking, if I can hear a dress just by looking at a photo of it, it’s a no from me.
Sarah Hyland is totally that betch who runs to Starbucks the second Pumpkin Spice Lattes are released just for the Instagram. Like, we get it. Fall is awesome. No need to rock a dress that looks like it was made from the same material that every kindergarten teacher uses for their back to school bulletin boards. Her abs look dope though. PM me your workout.
I’m confused. I think this is the same dress my mom wore to my bat mitzvah? I think I see a gown that I could potentially be super into, but it’s underneath a fugly cape so I’m not totally sure.
Evan Rachel Wood
Don’t get me wrong, I love a good pantsuit as much as the next girl. But I feel like Evan Rachel Wood’s Jeremy Scott ensemble was going for “Hillary Clinton at the third presidential debate” but ended up at “cater waiter”. Like yes, I would love a bacon-wrapped scallop, thank you, but that’s not the point.
Millie Bobby Brown
If there’s one person who hit the Emmys red carpet that can do no wrong, it’s Millie Bobby Brown. I know that she’s only 13, but she’s already basically a fashion icon. Like, when nobody else has their shit together, MBB rolls up in the cutest Calvin Klein dress of all time and puts the world to shame. She might not have won to break the record for youngest Emmy winner ever, but she’s prob the youngest HBIC I’ve ever seen.
If there are two things I feel the most “eh” about in this world, it’s green dresses and Shailene Woodley. Except, for some reason, I’m loving Shailene Woodley in this green dress. I’m not sure if I’m so into this look because I actually like it, or if it has something to do with homegirl literally showing up to the Primetime Emmys in a messy ponytail and being like “yeah I don’t even own a TV.” Giving zero fucks looks good on you, Woodley.
It’s nearly impossible to wear Balmain without looking like a Kardashian/Jenner wannabe, but Priyanka looks so amazing in this gown that I momentarily forgot that the Kardashians even exist. It’s almost like I feel as though I shouldn’t compliment anyone else’s look because obviously it’s not as perfect as Priyanka’s.
I’m still really salty that Jessica Lange isn’t on this season of American Horror Story, so I’m going to throw her on this list to give her a little face time. Jessica Lange is one of those people who makes you feel stupid for complaining about how bad your hangovers are at age 25, because she’s literally the same age as your grandmother and still slays in Gucci whenever she feels like it. But like, not sure what’s going on with that stray arm, though—she’s just like, dangling it out there in almost all of her pictures. Google it if you don’t believe me. Jessica, pls advise.